"I'm just worried about you!". Delusional.

[easterncappy]

I'm pregnant and four days from my due date. I regret ever telling my mom about the pregnancy but what's done is done. My mom spams my phone a lot. "I need to hear from you every day to make sure you're safe!". Except when she spends four nights at her weird clingy PD friend's house - I guess my "safety" doesn't matter then! It's a relief to be left alone for a couple of days, but it's telling.

Today was busy. She called me twice in a row around noon. I was getting ready for a doctor's appointment, so I didn't answer. Then she called again. I was getting a ton of groceries to last me a couple of weeks. Then she called again. I was giving the dogs a bath to get it out of the way. I'm trying to get a lot of things done so they don't have to be done again until the baby has been here for a couple of weeks. A part of why I didn't answer is that I just didn't want to deal with her. Honestly. Those phone calls make me panicky, and put me in a bad mood for the rest of the day.

Then I get a text message: "Are you okay?".

I reply and tell her that I just got done giving the dogs a bath, I'm trying to get a lot done today.

Her reply: "You need to react to my phone calls and text messages faster. I need to know you're okay. And you need to tell me when you're in labor and on your way to the hospital."

Uh, what? My husband came home shortly after and we were both just floored by this text message. I wanted to text back "...excuse me?", he suggested I text back "I'm 25 years old and I decide who I call and text and when I do that". I didn't say anything because I didn't want to start a fight.

Three hours later, I get a text of her holding something and an inside joke relevant to the object she's holding.

WTAF? What does she think people did before cellphones? Why are we going back to jokes after she was this rude to me?

"My safety"? That's rich. She spent my entire childhood abusing me and putting me in extremely dangerous situations with other abusers. She's tried to coerce me into many illegal acts. She used to lock me in her car so her and my grandma could go clothes shopping without a whiny brat asking to go home. She neglected my medical needs as a child and I had to beg to get broken bones treated. But I'm supposed to believe she's worried about "my safety"? Bleh.

I'm obviously not going to tell her when I'm giving birth. The hospital knows I want no visitors and it's in my birth plan as well now, but it only takes one well-meaning worker jumping the gun and not double checking before I'm on a table with a baby halfway out of me, unable to do anything about anything, and bam... there she is. So no, it's not happening. And I know she'd bring her child molester husband along, against wishes I've been expressing to her for almost 10 years now. I'd have to be really stupid to tell her this information after she couldn't wrap her mind around the fact that I don't want anyone besides my husband at the birth, period.

She's also convinced herself that the reason I'm distancing myself is because my husband is a cruel abuser who won't let me answer my phone when I'm near him. I've read before that when adult children of abusers get married and move away, the parents pin it on the spouse, because it beats having to take responsibility for their actions. She'd always tell me how worried she is that I'll marry someone who "takes me away from her" and "brainwashes me against her", or how she's worried that I'll "grow up and move far away and stop talking to her". She wouldn't be worried about those things if she had a clear conscience. But I'm worried of her cooking up some type of drama or getting police or CPS involved with false claims of my husband being some sort of terrible person.

[easterncappy]

The "safety" thing has been bugging me since she said that. I'm gonna rehash some things as they connect to it. I'm sorry. I'm still upset. It's the little things, honestly. We have one big fight every couple of years or so, arguments a couple of times per year, but nothing gets me as mad as this crap.

In high school we had shuttle stops, everyone in the neighborhood got picked up at the same bus stop to make it quicker. My mom decided that walking to the shuttle stop was "unsafe", because I'd get raped kidnapped murdered whatever*. Clearly, the "safer" thing to do was to make my dad drive me every morning, by which point he had at least six beers (I kept count of how many empty cans were in the trash plus he was visibly intoxicated before the sun was up most morning - not kidding or exaggerating), even though this resulted in him nearly swerving into trees and throwing fits while driving. It was a 5 minute walk. She knew as well as I did that he was too drunk to safely drive by then.

"Safety" was also the excuse for location sharing until a couple of months ago. She sobbed and sobbed when I turned it off. "How am I supposed to come help you if something happens to you?". You live an hour away, you don't drive on the highway, you'd have no way of knowing something happened to me unless I told you, you only ever used this to harass me about what groceries I was buying, and if you cared about my safety you would have divorced your husband and reported him to the police when I was a toddler - and who the hell asked if I'd want you "rescuing" me? I have a husband for that.

"Safety" my ass.

*I've heard a lot of daughters of PD parents share similar stories. The whole world was full of people who wanted to rape them, according to their parents. Sexual abuse in the home was almost always overlooked, and the girls were victim blamed for it. Stories of rape in the media were also met with victim blaming. Yet the world was full of rapists? I don't think they really believed it, maybe just needed to scare me with something. I don't know.

Can anyone offer some insight into the "safety" excuse?

[p123]

Cappy - it's all about control. They have to be important - they have to be in control of you.

I get it now. I'm 54 years old. Just been on holiday to Florida - I had it all "call me every day", "I'm so worried about you". I asked him what he was on about. His answer "well theres the plane journey", and "you know what america is like". (he thinks the entire usa is populated entirely with street gangs and shootings on every corner)
I told him watch the news to see if a plane crashes between London and Florida otherwise don't worry! Same as the crime thing - its Disneyworld - the worst crook there is a mouse!
I still got the "yes but ring me and I'll help you". In the event of an issue not sure what a 88 year old, the other side of the atlantic, whos clueless anyway could help with?

Best thing is I had a job a few years ago where I travelled all over europe working. On my own in non-tourist areas. I managed then....

His all time classic. I was ill with a chest infection. Off work, feeling rough, lost my voice could hardly speak. Of course, hes in full flap mode. Really wasn't in the mood to speak to him with daily updates, and listen to his waffle, and I'd lost my voice. So I said look let me have a rest I'll call you in a few days.

Yeh 10am next day hes ringing. I ignored it. If I remember 70 missed calls. By the evening, I started getting facebook messages from my brother (who dad must have spoken to). Ring Dad. Ignored. Eventually it got to him telling me how selfish I was by not calling Dad and he was SO worried about me.

I was NOT impressed at all. His excuse "well I was worried something had happened to you". I'm a middle aged man with no other health problems, just needed time to recover from a standard illness. Oh and my wifes a nurse! Im hoping she'd not let me die in my bed.

Control though. He wanted an update. He had an irrational fear. (another story - hes got massive anxiety but refuses to speak to anyone about it). None of this was about me - it was what HE wanted.

I fear its the same with your mum.

[p123]

The follow up text "Are you okay?" reminded me of something.

Wife has got a friend whos pretty full on. No kids and she doesnt work. I think shes bored. Wife on the other hand, we've got kids and she works.
She often tells me her friend texts her all the time, constantly, then will text again 10 mins later. Of course, with kids/work etc you've got other things going on.

Anyway, her friend has my number too. Wish she didn't. Twice now shes text me "Is X ok?" meaning my wife. Both times wife is on the sofa catching up on work etc.
Its all a bit stalkerish for me.

Wife won't let me reply something on the lines of "No shes not, I've dumped her body in the river"

Her friend would probably phone the police mind lol.

[NarcKiddo]

They have to have drama and if there isn't any they have to worry about the possibility of drama so they can make drama out of that.

Safety is a great topic because everyone wants to be safe, don't they? They can pretend to be caring when really they are just making it all about them. Again. And if something horrid actually is happening then they can make that all about them, too, if they so choose. If anyone in the family is ill my mother claims it is affecting her far more than it is affecting them. Her nerves, you know.

And while she loves to bang on about safety at times (I am supposed to cancel my holidays to "dangerous" places) she was quite happy to let me walk around unattended as a child if she did not want to walk me to school or had a cold and wanted me to sort out the grocery shopping.

Cappy - your baby is nearly here. I know it is almost impossible not to stress about these intrusions, but I really hope you can find a way to chill out and ignore her.

I hope the birth goes smoothly and hope you will be able to find time to let us know how you and baby are at some point after she has arrived.

[Cat of the Canals]

The whole "safety" thing kills two birds. It makes it out like they're merely acting out of concern (of course they're really acting out their need for control), and it can indirectly make you feel guilty for worrying them. For people who aren't Out of the FOG, they usually want a release from the guilt, so what do they do? Give in and call the PD to reassure them and apologize for putting them through such stress.  Another win-win game for the PD.

[Andeza]

Yeah as far as they're concerned we're supposed to drop everything to reassure them that we're fine and they don't need to worry. So it's our job to fix their emotions, yet again. and some more...

[TimetoHeal]

cappy,

I am so sorry you are dealing with this.  Being 4 days away from giving birth, this is absolutely the last thing you should have to be worrying about.  But all of us here have had to deal with a lot more than we SHOULD have, right?    

As far as the "safety" thing, yeah, my mom used to use that one too.  If she didn't hear from me for a few days, she would literally send me texts that said, "Time, I don't like it when you fall off my radar.  I need to know you're okay.  You and I are all each other have any more".  Gaaahhhhhh!!!!     It's so dripping with manipulation and control.  (Like your mom, she didn't give a rip about my safety when she was galavanting around Europe with her boyfriend of the month.). She dropped that when she found it didn't work, and now she is in old-lady waif mode.  Same dysfunction, different tactics. 

If I may offer you any bit of advice as someone who has 25 years on you in dealing with this mess, address it and nip it in the bud now while you are young and starting your own little precious family.  Don't wait until you're a middle aged lady like me and have several more decades of abuse and resentment.  Your little one will need you to have all your energy and resources about you.  HOW you deal with it , I can't give you specifics, because it's so different for all of us.  But I hope you have a good support system in place, maybe a therapist?  You're hubby sounds awesome (and I have to say, I love his response, and almost wish you had sent it, but I understand not wanting to provoke something right before you go give birth!).  My ex would have sided with my mom and insisted I text her back immediately.     Like I said, take advantage of this time in your life and claim your adulthood.

And congratulations on the upcoming arrival!!  Baby yourself the next few days.  You will really need to be rested up going in to labor. Hugs. 

[easterncappy]

Thank you everyone. I'm sorry for not being able to reply to everyone individually. I have a lot of chores to get done before I go into labor, which can happen at any moment. Today I'm packing the hospital bag and printing the birth plan (I know I should have done this weeks ago - shush ). I did read everything everyone posted and I really appreciate the input.

My mom's logic: I'm just a man-hater (ironic - I'm a man-hater for thinking men are not inherently pedophiles... okay), which is the real reason I'm mad at my dad. Plus, the abuse happened "a long time ago", and it wasn't really abuse, and she wasn't in the room helping him when it happened, so she'd be 100% absolved even if it was real abuse. I'm crazy for not wanting him near my baby, but I'm double crazy for not wanting her near the baby - she's an innocent bystander of everything that happened to me, after all, it's not like mothers have a responsibility to protect their children or anything. I should have known better, it was my fault, and it wasn't that bad. So I need to shut up and let them have access to my baby. It's only right, otherwise I'm being difficultdramaticstubbornblahblah.

She'd never say it that way, but it's how she feels. Every hiss at me has text between the lines. I know what she's trying to say. One of my friends was abused by relatives as a child and he told me "at least we both know how to see through people after all of that, right?". And I can see right through her. Maybe not exactly, which is why I ask people on here sometimes, but I can always tell something is off.

Yeah as far as they're concerned we're supposed to drop everything to reassure them that we're fine and they don't need to worry. So it's our job to fix their emotions, yet again. and some more...

Even before I read anything about families like ours, I picked up on the fact that she thinks it's my personal responsibility to always be happy and "shooting a rainbow out of my butt", as I used to tell her. The one time I tried to seriously explain to her that I feel like she's suffocating me, she mockingly repeated the things I told her back at me for days. It was so frustrating. She got nothing from the conversation and thought that shaming me for saying the things I said would make me get back in line.

One thing that occurred to me today is that she always prefaces things by saying her intention is not her true intention. "Don't think I'm spying on you...", "don't think I'm trying to control you...", "don't think I'm trying to boss you around...", followed by the most invasive, controlling, bossy statements possible. She doesn't even really bother to hide it.

[easterncappy]

I might have time to reply to a few others today, but I needed to share one nugget of wisdom my mom dropped yesterday:

"I'm scared that you'll forget how to speak (native language) if we don't call often enough". During a phone call where I mostly tried to talk about tame things that couldn't be used as ammo against me, such as the silly things that my dogs do.

My husband thought this was hilarious and I was just scratching my head at her saying it. The only time I've ever encountered someone "forgetting their native language" involved an American who couldn't fluently speak English after suffering severe brain damage and being in a coma for a very long time. He had spent decades in a non-English speaking community previously, almost exclusively speaking another language all of the time.

I have a sticker on my car with a playful phrase about where I was born. Sometimes people walk up to me in parking lots speaking my native language because they see the sticker and think it's neat. I'm pretty sure that even if it didn't require severe brain damage to forget something that important, I would be able to find people to speak it with that aren't my mom.

She'd also always imply that my children are going to need her so they can speak our native language, too. As if there weren't dozens of other people I know that I can bring my kids around for that purpose, who are actually safe and have the proper judgment to be around children. And as if there wasn't a summer school for parents and kids a couple of hours from our house that's specifically geared towards people in my children's position.

Not that I care. My kids can absorb their dad's culture entirely, as long as they're safe, happy, and healthy.

[Leonor]

Block her number.

Not forever, just for a few days.

Turn her back on when you are ready to deal with whatever $#@ she throws your way.

Or come up with a one sentence response: "Hi mom! Busy right now. Talk soon! Love emoji!"

Copy and paste, copy and paste.

Do not engage. Repeat, do not engage.

It's not time to deal with mom. It's time to meet baby and fall madly, forever-ly, googly-eyed in love with baby.

The hospital has you covered, there's no simple-minded nurse who will give in to your mom's demands, it's not policy and they get in big trouble if they go against patient wishes. Maternity nurses are The Best.

They've seen it all, so you relax and enjoy this exciting, overwhelming, exhausting, miraculous time!

[Iris1022]

First, best of luck to you with your upcoming delivery and a huge congratulations on your little one! I hope everything goes smoothly with the labor and delivery process. I agree with the others - don't worry about ignoring/blocking your mom. You have much more important things to worry about right now than her. She can deal. She might whine and cry and carry on but what else is new?

Oh, and the "safety" issue - what a farce when it comes to narcs. My mom has always been the same way. Super overprotective - the world is a dangerous place and everyone in it is out to harm me. However, it was perfectly fine for her to keep me locked in a home full of secondhand smoke for the duration of my childhood, eating nothing but junk food. It was also fine for her to mock my "ailments" as she called them, whenever I needed medical care. Or lock me out of the house when I was out playing in the neighborhood so that she wouldn't have to be bothered by me or my friends. Absolutely ridiculous.

I hope you can push your mom's antics aside and enjoy this special time with your husband!

[mary_poppins]

I was on another forum long time ago and there was this talk about narcissistic parents claiming they are worried about us by calling/texting us often.
The explanation I've read there was that the 'worry' is a nice, fancy, loving term to cover the real intent which is control. I think they are so deranged mentally that when some big event happens like pregnancy or the adult child moving far awar from them/getting married/changing jobs (any big event that affects the family of origin), etc, they panic and ramp up the control towards their adult child.

This happened to me when I was living abroad (3000 beautiful km separated us). My mother would call me several times a week and demanded to Skype with her consistently. I did that for a while but therapy helped me lessen those interactions.

The point is that, during the time mom would call me and demanded Skype sessions, she'd often say 'Oh I am so worried about you. When you don't answer the phone we're thinking that something bad must have happened to you there. You need to let me know you're ok.' And she'd say this with such conviction as if she REALLY believed it. Back then I didn't know she was a PD but felt that something was wrong. How can she be worried for me when I'm a 30-year old adult with my own life?

There is also covert manipulation happening here. With me, I believe that she inserted the word 'Worry' to throw the attention on her and her victim persona. I would often worry her, I was a bad daughter for worrying mom because I wouldn't answer the phone when she'd call 20 times in a day.
This made me feel awful as a person while she'd feel good because she was the good mother, the worried, concerned mother. Of course that's a lie but she didnt care as long as I believed it was true. 

This may be your case as well.
Be safe and put boundaries no matter how much your PDs would resent it. It is tough, so I'll send you my virtual hugs.

[treesgrowslowly]

All I will add is that your actions speak volumes to outsiders (i.e. CPS). An adult daughter who does not want her parent at the birth, has a reason. Any reasonable professional (nurse, social worker) gets that. I didn't want the PDs at my birth. No one at the hospital questioned me. They respected my decision. I hope the same for you.

Daughters who feel safe around their parents, do not take steps to keep that parent away during important moments in life. Reasonable people know this.

You have the right to parent your child and protect your child from people you believe are unsafe. My hope is that if you end up with any CPS nonsense sent your way, they will understand this and support you, the parent.

The fact is, she didn't protect you. She has no capacity to define safety (for anyone it sounds like) at this point. And of course, narcissists will never stop themselves from doing things they have no capacity to do.

Your baby is safe around you, and your husband. That is what you have written here, and I believe you. Just reinforcing what is actually true, can be important when you've got someone gaslighting you to this extent.

She can no longer define 'safety' for you, and she's probably mad as heck about it. She's losing control over your life, and she knows it. Hence the drama.

Sincere hugs to you today easterncappy,

Trees

[p123]

I was on another forum long time ago and there was this talk about narcissistic parents claiming they are worried about us by calling/texting us often.
The explanation I've read there was that the 'worry' is a nice, fancy, loving term to cover the real intent which is control. I think they are so deranged mentally that when some big event happens like pregnancy or the adult child moving far awar from them/getting married/changing jobs (any big event that affects the family of origin), etc, they panic and ramp up the control towards their adult child.

This happened to me when I was living abroad (3000 beautiful km separated us). My mother would call me several times a week and demanded to Skype with her consistently. I did that for a while but therapy helped me lessen those interactions.

The point is that, during the time mom would call me and demanded Skype sessions, she'd often say 'Oh I am so worried about you. When you don't answer the phone we're thinking that something bad must have happened to you there. You need to let me know you're ok.' And she'd say this with such conviction as if she REALLY believed it. Back then I didn't know she was a PD but felt that something was wrong. How can she be worried for me when I'm a 30-year old adult with my own life?

There is also covert manipulation happening here. With me, I believe that she inserted the word 'Worry' to throw the attention on her and her victim persona. I would often worry her, I was a bad daughter for worrying mom because I wouldn't answer the phone when she'd call 20 times in a day.
This made me feel awful as a person while she'd feel good because she was the good mother, the worried, concerned mother. Of course that's a lie but she didnt care as long as I believed it was true. 

This may be your case as well.
Be safe and put boundaries no matter how much your PDs would resent it. It is tough, so I'll send you my virtual hugs.

Yeh think you're spot on.....
It works a treat for them - as you said if they "worry" then they're the good parent. It also gets them what they want. And of course you're the bad one if you play up because "they were only worried".

I'm with you - most of the "worry" is just insane. Pointless, unnecessary etc.