Everytime I see her message my heart sinks

[googleb]

Have a PD sister and we started talking more often lately due to a severely ill family member. She lives much closer to them so she is able to update me on news from the hospital.

However, every time I hear from her, I get this sinking feeling in my stomach, and feel like crying afterwards, even if what she is saying isn't that bad. I just get this terrible feeling inside afterwards, feeling like what I said in reply isn't good enough, or that I shouldn't have ignored her, or that I shouldn't have replied so quickly, etc. Does anyone have these similar feelings talking to someone who has verbally abused you in the past? Like you feel like you've done something wrong or feel like crying even though they didn't say anything seemingly that bad this time? Part of me never wants to talk to her, yet I find myself ending each conversation with an affirmation because she needs it: "thank you for updating me" or "thank you for talking to our parents," out of worry that If i don't do so, she will verbally abuse me. She often thanks me too for similar things, which I always thought was strange; I often tell her, she doesn't need to thank me for talking to her or talking to our parents...because it's family and I enjoy talking to them. I don't need that kind of affirmation.

In the past, almost every time I talk to her, she has to correct me on something, tell me to do something, or give me advice. Also, in the past, I've been subject to her verbal abuse after arguments, telling me that I would never be able to have a healthy adult relationship until I get healing, or that my self-esteem is so fragile that I take everything personally and would never have friends until I get healing. I came to believe that I had a self-esteem issue for almost all my life, until I went to a therapist for that issue and found out that I never even had that issue!

On one occasion, she came to visit and I asked her to book her flight for a different time as that was the busiest time of year for me due to studies, and wouldn't have much time for her. She said that would be fine, and so she came, and acted fine the entire time, even very courteously and supportive of the fact that I needed to do work. She asked me lots of questions relating to how I was, and whenever I asked her back, she would give me one word answers or tell me very abruptly that she didn't want to talk about that. We said a bittersweet but happy goodbye, and then when I went to check if she had landed in her home country, she sent me multiple long texts about how I was so selfish and didn't spend time with her, how all I talked was about myself, and how I didn't ask her a single question. She also told me she was quite shocked by the lack of maturity I had to realise this, and that she thought that I would have realised but after a whole week, but I still hadn't. I was shocked by the things she said to me, and then at the end she told me that I better not tell our mom or dad because then she would know that I wasn't able to act like an adult and handle my own situations. I was extremely sad and cried for many days about this, and was extremely confused, and told her that I asked her multiple questions and she got annoyed and told me she didn't want to talk about herself. I also asked her why she asked me questions if she thought I was talking too much, and whether she was actually interested, and she said no, I was just being polite; after a certain point, I stopped caring about what you had to say. After multiple conversations, I gave in and just apologised to her because there was no reasoning with her, even though I felt like she had in a way, set me up and misled me. I didn't understand why she couldn't have just told me during the trip if she was unhappy.

I think that upon leaving and going home, she was feeling unhappy and then used me as a scapegoat to push every negative feeling onto me. She didn't understand her own feelings so she had to find someone to blame to feel better. I knew that there was something wrong when she didn't want to talk about her work or her life, but I'm not going to force someone to talk if they raise their voice and tell me to stop asking.

Multiple instances like this have happened in the past. Whenever I talk to her nowadays, it brings up too many painful memories like this. I miss when we used to laugh with each other. I hate walking on eggshells around her, worrying that she will pounce on me; yet, I can't stop talking to her right now because I need to stay updated on news with our family.

[notrightinthehead]

googleb, what you describe is not normal behaviour. It is crazy making. While you experienced an ok time with your sister this has been reflected back to you completely differently. This questions your abilty to interpret a situation realistically. It undermines your trust in yourself. This is very destructive.
It sounds like you have a good grip on reality and a support system that helps you understand the situation in a healthy way.
When you engaged in the dialog after the visit you were treating your sister as if she was a normal person, you were JADE-ing. While this would be good and right if you were dealing with a normal person, it would clarify the situation for both sides and probably lead to more closeness, it can only set you up for failure and more abuse when you attempt it with a person suffering with a PD.
Please read up on medium chill, grey rock and non JADE so that you have some tools for your future dealings with your sister.

[googleb]

Thanks for your feedback and your suggestions, @notrightinthehead.

Yes, what you described is exactly how I have been feeling. As she also attacked my ability to have conversations with others, after multiple dealings with her, I started to evaluate every time I talked to someone, whether I had asked them enough questions, or how much I talked, how quickly I responded, etc.

I had a quick read at JADE and see now that I just need to say my point/side once, and if she doesn't agree, to just leave it. I can't control how others think, or make them agree, only how I react. Lately I find that one of the most useful tactics for myself is to know that I can control my thoughts.

I think I still struggle with 'medium chill' right now, especially with family, but I'm starting to see now that it's actually better for me AND them.

Grey Rock is an interesting suggestion...I'm not sure that would be the right thing to do for me, as I don't feel that I'm in any danger personally, especially living in a different country. But I will take that into consideration if my situation with her gets worse instead of better.

Thank you!

[guitarman]

Welcome. You are not alone.

I have an undiagnosed BPD/NPD sister.

I now call her my abuser and I am her target of abuse. Abusers are all about power and control.

I now realise that my sister projects a lot of her worries and problems onto me. When she is saying abusive things to me she is in fact saying them about herself.

Thankfully I've had no contact from her for a few months but I can identify with what you posted about. That dreaded fear whenever she phoned or visited me.

Now I experience anticipatory dread and hyper vigilance waiting for her next call.

Like you I always ended her calls by being polite and saying "Thank you for calling" even when she was being abusive. Whatever happened I stayed calm and didn't rise to the bait of getting angry with her, which is exactly what she wanted. She can behave like a child and have temper tantrums. I am an adult and am not going to behave like a child also. She tried to push all my buttons and provoke me to rage at her but I am not going to do that. I can't control how she behaves but I can control how I behave and react. I am in control of my own behaviour. That is very empowering to realise.

It seems whatever you say or do won't be right for your sister. I've had similar situations with my sister when she says she doesn't want to talk about certain things. I can remember getting so frustrated with her that I asked her to give me a list of things that I'm allowed to talk about. Of course she didn't reply.

So power, control and projection sum up my sister. Remember it's not about you but what your sister is going through and you can't change her, only she can do that.

You may consider contacting the hospital yourself rather than getting information from your sister. It maybe less stressful for you. I know it's not an easy situation to be in.

[googleb]

Thanks for your reply @guitarman.

Your experience sounds a lot like mine. I particularly agree with the power, control, and projection statement. I've had countless memories where I've told her good news, and although she seemed to be happy for me, she would then tell me what the next steps for me were to make, or that it was nice that I did that, but that I should consider doing something different because of some article she read about some industry dying. Other times, she would be almost angry at me for speaking about myself if she wasn't happy herself; however if you asked her what was wrong, she would get angry at you for asking.

She often sends me online articles relating to my work industry, which I find very rudimental as I am working in the industry and already know of the news. I always found it strange and a bit annoying as I don't send her articles relating to her industry and add notes of what she should do, as I don't know much about her industry. She always claims to know everything, or have all these facts ready for when I say anything, but a lot of what she says is just based on this one article she read on the internet, and not from personal experience. It's like she needs to exert her power over me and control my every step, and then feel sorry for me that I'm "not happy" to her standards. She often sees me as this charity case, simply because I don't make as much money as her and am happier, or because I get upset at things. She believes that I don't realise I'm not happy because I'm actually very hurt inside. She also believes that I get upset because I have a lot of trauma. The truth is though, that it is normal for a person to get upset or ask them not to speak to you like that if they told you you probably would never have any friends. In fact, it's normal for a person to get upset and tell someone, but she doesn't do that, thinking that she is much stronger than me.

I'm starting to see that probably is how she is feeling inside, but it's best to just let her deal with it. I think I will follow in your footsteps in limiting contact with her by all means, including all group chats. Recently, after another article, I kindly told her 'thank you for your advice, but I actually don't need it at the moment, but will let you know when I do,' she told me I could just ignore her articles, and how she often ignores articles. Now, she resorted to getting her husband to send the group "Prayers for Healing". I know that it was directed at me, but also know she would never admit it. I also know that she knows how to push my buttons and uses it to her full advantage and then acts stupid when confronted.

Nowadays I'm learning to hold back and not provoke her. I started using "medium chill" and funnily enough, she actually responded to me saying, "thank you for listening!" and "Thank you for your willingness to chat to me." I find it a bit funny as the only times she has appreciated me listening to her were when I wasn't really actively listening or paying attention. It's the equivalent of her talking to a wall. In the times that I said, "I'm sorry that you're feeling that way," she said I had zero empathy or capacity for understanding and needed help from a therapist.

I've had many many spells of crying for days and feeling so down about myself in the past, contemplating what was wrong with me, and why I had no empathy or why I didn't care about anyone. I see now that those are all projections of her onto myself.

The thing that hurts the most is I still remember lots of good memories and good sides of her. It hurts to cut off contact from her because I don't want to hurt her. She's told me before that she's sad that we can't have a proper relationship, but when I told her what I was upset about, she was unable to empathise, and even told me that her verbal abuse wasn't abuse, it was the truth. I am torn about this no-contact idea because I still love her, but maybe it's best to love someone from afar. By being far from her too, I can help her to not use her capabilities to verbally abuse others?

What are your thoughts?

[Blueberry Pancakes]

I too know that 'sinking heart' feeling just seeing a message from your sibling. When you have such an emotional reaction without even having contact with them, I think our bodies are warning us that this individual is not healthy for us. Our minds tend to not always listen though.   
Then we follow up on that by contacting this sibling and appeasing their needs, thanking them, and being polite so as not to escalate tensions. We end the call and feel like we want to cry. Personally, I have felt like I had an emotional hangover for days following any contact with my sibling. I have felt tired, drained, hopeless, irritated and lethargic and never even knew why. I figured it out two years ago though.
You have awareness, which will be a great asset in your future dealings with your sibling. Take care of your own emotional needs. What you mention will take a toll on your own well being. The methods mentioned here such as grey rock and medium chill prevent you from expending too much energy and they do indeed help. There are great explanations in the "toolbox" section of this site.

[PeanutButter]

She often sends me online articles relating to my work industry, which I find very rudimental as I am working in the industry and already know of the news. I always found it strange and a bit annoying as I don't send her articles relating to her industry and add notes of what she should do, as I don't know much about her industry. She always claims to know everything, or have all these facts ready for when I say anything, but a lot of what she says is just based on this one article she read on the internet, and not from personal experience. It's like she needs to exert her power over me and control my every step, and then feel sorry for me that I'm "not happy" to her standards. She often sees me as this charity case, simply because I don't make as much money as her and am happier, or because I get upset at things. She believes that I don't realise I'm not happy because I'm actually very hurt inside. She also believes that I get upset because I have a lot of trauma. The truth is though, that it is normal for a person to get upset or ask them not to speak to you like that if they told you you probably would never have any friends. In fact, it's normal for a person to get upset and tell someone, but she doesn't do that, thinking that she is much stronger than me.
I'm starting to see that probably is how she is feeling inside, but it's best to just let her deal with it. I think I will follow in your footsteps in limiting contact with her by all means, including all group chats. Recently, after another article, I kindly told her 'thank you for your advice, but I actually don't need it at the moment, but will let you know when I do,' she told me I could just ignore her articles, and how she often ignores articles. Now, she resorted to getting her husband to send the group "Prayers for Healing". I know that it was directed at me, but also know she would never admit it. I also know that she knows how to push my buttons and uses it to her full advantage and then acts stupid when confronted.
Nowadays I'm learning to hold back and not provoke her. I started using "medium chill" and funnily enough, she actually responded to me saying, "thank you for listening!" and "Thank you for your willingness to chat to me." I find it a bit funny as the only times she has appreciated me listening to her were when I wasn't really actively listening or paying attention. It's the equivalent of her talking to a wall. In the times that I said, "I'm sorry that you're feeling that way," she said I had zero empathy or capacity for understanding and needed help from a therapist.
I've had many many spells of crying for days and feeling so down about myself in the past, contemplating what was wrong with me, and why I had no empathy or why I didn't care about anyone. I see now that those are all projections of her onto myself.
The thing that hurts the most is I still remember lots of good memories and good sides of her. It hurts to cut off contact from her because I don't want to hurt her. She's told me before that she's sad that we can't have a proper relationship, but when I told her what I was upset about, she was unable to empathise, and even told me that her verbal abuse wasn't abuse, it was the truth. I am torn about this no-contact idea because I still love her, but maybe it's best to love someone from afar. By being far from her too, I can help her to not use her capabilities to verbally abuse others?
What are your thoughts?

I was abused and controlled by my older uhpd/ubpd older sister for many years. I KNOW what this is like. Im sorry for the painful dynamics and decisions you are dealing with.
You dont have to read the articles even if she sends them.
She only has power over you if you relenquish your power to her. 
She can believe whatever she wants about you. You can choose to unemesh with her. Then her beliefs about you will be of no concern to you.
If we "take what the pd's say at face value" and refuse to "read between the lines" like they have trained us then a comment like "prayers for healing" could be a wonderful sentiment of a caring BIL.
Empathy and validation is something she could get if she went to a thearapist herself actually.
If she is so strong and believes you have problems then she should be giving emotional support to you not demanding it from you!
Protecting and helping yourself is the goal of NC not changing her. She will most likely not change.
I learned recently about my own experience that to let someone who is claiming to care about me, harm me, was to self abandon.
The toll emotional abuse took on me was a depletion of my self worth or (situational self esteem).
I didnt move forward in healing untill I realized that if I love and accept myself just as I am, then the insults and manipulations about who I am or what I do or dont do no longer cut deeply or tear me down.
My abusers inability to show empathy or care had nothing to do with my worthiness, and everything to do with their deficit of emotional intelligence and or their personality disorder.
By working out what my 'triggers' (buttons) are and aknowledging which childhood wounds they originated from, then recognising my reactivity to being triggered is something I can control, now I am not dependent on my abuser one day finally owning up and changing in order to move forward in a healthier way. Whether that is NC LC or continue the relationship with MC, boundaries are essential!

[Hopelessly stuck]

There are so many good answers here that also help me with My family's Dynamics.

I would like to add this, however...Your Sis is probably jealous of Your Conversational style. I have been looking back at all the time My mother has tried to keep my quiet during shopping trips. I am NOT saying anything personal just pleasantries. She is so shy and tongue-tied that she doesn't have the skill to "be nice" So of course she has to put me down. She is the kind that goes into a store and expects people to jump when she walks in. If they don't give her the attention she thinks she deserves she starts complaining about minor things. As a teen I remember I wanted to be invisible when she pulled her tirades.

The Other thing she was doing was what I call 64 questions...My Sis is good at this. In My experience, she is just collecting data to use against me. The best smear campaigns have some truth to them. When NPD's start asking 64 questions they are not interested at all about what we are saying. They use this technic, so skillfully, that YOU THINK THEY ARE INTERESTED in You. You then talk freely giving them more bullets to use against You. I have learned to start answering intrusive questions with Answers such as "and why do You want to know that? (mild) to "I don't think that is any of Your business." I practiced ahead on responses to have. The last response was hard for me. What I do above is probably "GREY ROCKING" explained in a practical form.   

[googleb]

Thanks everyone for your answers. It feels a lot better knowing I'm not alone in the emotions and experiences I've had. I've decided to stick to my word of limiting contact, and grey rocking/medium chill.

How do you guys handle it when they contact you first? I don't necessarily want them to know that I am limiting contact with them. The other day she told asked me how I was doing after telling me how she was doing, which is fine. But I have noticed that whenever I reply with anything positive, she would stop responding. It's only if I said anything that could be seen as negative, that she would then tell me I need healing/counseling/help, and disguise it as care for me.

It's strange; i swear she used to actually care about me, and then after she moved out of my parents' home when we were younger, she all of a sudden stopped. She even told me that after moving away, she no longer has to care about our family, which is really nice. Makes me wonder if she was pretending all those years. I do know that she was always absent a lot at home; we didn't always have the easiest upbringing but she would spend hours on the phone with her friends, or just be out constantly.

[PeanutButter]

Depending on what form of contact is used (phone, in person, etc.)
I either dont answer the door or phone. When I did answer I am really busy working, cooking, sleeping etc. If I allow a talk or a visit I let her do most of the talking while keeping emotionally distant from what is being said. I dont share my thoughts, or experiences anymore at all. I give one word answers to nosey questions if possible. I pretend calm NO MATTER WHAT. I save any anger, fear, or sadness upset to work through afterwards.
I will never 'explain' what i am or have been doing to cope with her.