Anyone get jealous of others who have close relationship with their parents?

[sweet1987]

I haven't posted on here in a long time.
So much has happened since I realised my mum has an undiagnosed PD.  Most of my issues have been with the damaged it's caused me and trying to function like a normal person after all the abuse.
I now have a very boundaried relationship with my mother. But I still freeze when she hugs me because that fear in me just hasn't left. I feel guilty, but I know that's what she planted in me. A "good daughter" wouldn't feel to run a mile. But everything inside my body screams to get away, even through she has apologiesd for so much and taken some accountability. Moving out has been the biggest change. It helped me to stay sane and stand my ground. Anyway, I keep getting jealous that my partner or anyone else who's close have different relationships with their mothers. And I know I don't know everything that goes on behind closed doors, and no relationship is perfect. My partners mum is coming to visit and when she said she can't wait to give her mother a bit hug, it sunk my heart and I feel bad because it's not about me and that's a beautiful thing for them. But somehow that little me just couldn't let that go. smiling on the outside while feeling hurt on the inside. I'm grateful for the progression in the relationship with my mother. But I don't think this sadness will ever go away. It just hurts that she can never be what I really needed and still can't even now

[Pepin]

Yeah....I totally get this.  I didn't have a warm and loving relationship with my mother either, her choice.  I understand that she was overwhelmed with having to literally do everything in addition to her realizing that she married a PD who isolated her.  Despite all of this, it was still no excuse for my younger self to have been on the receiving end of her anger.  As a mother myself, I had to reparent myself alongside parenting my own children.  And I love the stuffings out of my children, even if they are hormonal, have hard days or are prickly -- because I remember those days very clearly as a daughter. 

That being said, I tried to see if CN MIL (before I discovered she was CN) could take me under her wing.  Ouch.  That was a mistake.  She was only nice to me to get to DH, her son.  Their relationship was also not warm and fuzzy.....transactional at best....which DH (hero child) didn't really seem to mind unless his mother really struggled with something that a *normal* adult could get - and usually out of embarrassment, he'd just swoop in and fix it for her rather than have her learn for next time.  Naturally she would reward him with something to eat or money as some sort of compensation.  That certainly did not look like love to me...

[NarcKiddo]

In all honesty - no. It's not that I would not like one in theory, it's just that I simply cannot imagine what it must be like. My DIL and her mother are very close and love to spend time together. I am very happy for them but their relationship just does not compute as far as I am concerned. It's the same with close friendships. I don't have them, I don't understand them and while I might occasionally think it might be nice the reality is terrifying and I don't go there.

I am hoping therapy might help me with this, a little at least. I am content enough with more superficial relationships, as they feel safe to me, but my therapist has pointed out that closer relationships can be very rewarding and by keeping my distance I may well be missing out on something wonderful.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Yes I do. I don't want to take it away from them, exactly, but I have fantasized about a "Freaky Friday" sort of scenario where myself and someone who has a good mother could switch places. I want to know what it's like, anyway. To have someone else be my mother and not always have to do it all for myself. And that they could know what it's like for me. Although I am NC with my mother, send them back to just a day in the life. That would be enough to silence the, "But it's your mother!" or even just the blank expression and obvious non-understanding. I wish I didn't feel so alien to the human race.

I've connected with many others with mother/father wounds, and really I think it's a big chunk of the human race in that boat. But while we have related experiences, nobody else has walked in my shoes and doing my own work is generally a lonely job.

When I meet those others who have naturally and take for granted the support and love I have worked my whole life to get even close to that baseline, the grief and loneliness comes up again. It's a bit of a gut punch.

CPTSD is a hidden disability. My neighbor who is 10 years old has severe dyslexia. She cannot yet read. I was an early reader, about age 3, I can't remember not being able to. It's hard for me to wrap my brain around her experience, just like for those who can't imagine not having a loving relationship with parents. As important as reading is though, it doesn't pervade the whole of your relational and emotional life in the same way.

[Cat of the Canals]

In all honesty - no. It's not that I would not like one in theory, it's just that I simply cannot imagine what it must be like. My DIL and her mother are very close and love to spend time together. I am very happy for them but their relationship just does not compute as far as I am concerned.

Same. When we hear people say they have a wonderful relationship with their parents, my husband (also a child of a PD) and I often look at one another and say, "What is that even like???" And to some degree we have learned to live without and even not to "want what we can't have," thus the lack of jealousy.

I'm curious what it's like and would love to experience it, but the idea is so foreign that in some ways I don't know what I'm missing.

[sunshine702]

Yes Ill have begun to recognize my ENVY -  I use that word not jealously.  I am envious of my husband's brother's kids and their good relationship with everyone.  I did not have that.  It looks nice.  They look mentally healthy.  That would have been nice.  But I use envy and not jealously because I have radical acceptance that wan not my life and I am honestly happy for them to be raised healthy.

[Srcyu]

Yes, I always seem to get along well with families like that. Probably because they are such nice people to begin with.



 

[Jolie40]

husband was close with his parents, especially his dad
his dad taught him a lot re fixing things/repairs & woodworking

I'm thankful he had good parents & was raised in a normal family because husband is a good guy
once I thanked his dad for "being a good dad."

don't think I ever felt jealous
just amazed how different husband's childhood was from mine

[PeaceBeStill]

I do. I was at this event where a friend introduced me to a lady who turned out to be the mum of one of the girls hosting the event. And the whole time we were talking, the lady blended in with us seamlessly, and was telling us how her daughter and her talk about the kind of stuff i can never imagine talking to my own mother about. I didn't believe her (at first). I had always thought mothers are just naturally unapproachable and prickly about everything. My aunt called my cousin "stupid" during a one day (few hours) visit to their place. But this lady though, she and her daughter, when they finally got together were hugging and giggling and whispering and just seemed movie-like. I couldn't wrap my head around it. Kept thinking about how it was even possible, for weeks, being so close to your mother enough to freely tell her things I wouldn't even tell my best friend.

[feenix]

I used to think my relationship with my parents was close, when in fact what we had going on was an enmeshed, dysfunctional, manipulative, unboundaryied  mess, filled with confusing communication, obligation and shame.

My relationship with my own daughter, on the other hand is genuinely close, even though we don't see each other often, maybe every few months. There is openness, vulnerability, respect and honesty. I had to re-parent myself while I was parenting her, so we both eventually ended up growing up and taking responsibility for ourselves and our own feelings. My parents on the other hand, never did. For years I lived with a void eating me alive from the inside as I struggled to find the warmth, validation and closeness I never got as a child.

It must be strange to have a good relationship with your own parents, it's something I can't even imagine, so I don't really get jealous, more curious I suppose, wondering what it must be like. It's just not something I could trust, because of my own experience.

For me, the most important thing now is that I have a close and loving relationship with myself. I no longer try and run away from myself and my uncomfortable feelings, but instead I remain present for myself, like a loving parent would do for their child.

I went through a stage of grief and sadness as I realized I never had the nurturing supportive childhood that every child deserves, but eventually came to the conclusion that there's nothing I can do about the past. That was my reality, and this is my reality now and so there's no sense being jealous of people who have what I don't, when there's no possible way I can get it.

So focus on what you do have, or what you can get. Nurture close, loving healthy relationships with safe, emotionally healthy people now, well that's what I do, and I'm much happier and more content than I was before.

[olivegirl]

I am wistful, I so would do anything to have functioning, decent parents who are not malicious. 

But because my parents are so pathologically jealous of others, I feel intense shame when I feel twinges of that emotion. 

As much as I wish my parents were different, I am grateful that I am wired differently and I have the capacity to feel empathy.

[Liketheducks]

I used to have a little pang of envy watching the relationship my SIL has with my FIL.    They're always laughing and joking with each other.    Then over the years, I saw how my MIL can be incredibly difficult.   SIL is clearly the SG in that family.   FIL has sided with MIL in at least one loud argument while they were all visiting my home.    No relationship is ever fulling what it seems from the outside.   

Now....I'm more envious of how my SIL deals with them both.   Fierce boundaries.   I'm in awe of her.     

[sweet1987]

Thank you all so much for your replies. Sorry I'm so late. Haven't been on here fo a while. Appreciate you taking the time to read

[sandpiper]

Yes. I remember one time, someone learned that my mother died when I was young and she went on and on and on about how sorry she was and how awful that must be for me blah blah blah. It was actually a really bad time for that because of all the fallout that I was dealing with from my mother's behaviour. I just couldn't bear to do the fake 'Oh thank you,' and I just looked at them and said 'Why do you assume she is someone I would miss?'
The person looked deeply shocked and apologised - and I thanked them for understanding. Not all of us have the mothers that they've had. And it is incredibly hurtful when they discount our experiences and dismiss our pain.