Talking them out of bad decisions constantly (parentification)

[easterncappy]

I used to think parentification meant could only be that you were expected to do the physical duties of a parent, such as cooking, cleaning, etc. I did do one physical duty that I now think was more appropriate for a parent to do for a child instead of vice versa (with the exception of healthy parent/child relationships where the parent is simply too old to do it), which was drive my mom every. freaking. where. for 5 years, but that was it.

I was reading in another support group and someone mentioned all of times they had to talk their mother out of immature, hasty, illegal, or plain nasty decisions. There were so many times I had to talk my mom out from cussing someone out via text message, or that time I tried and failed to talk her down from quitting her job via a string of bizarre and obviously false lies instead of a 2 weeks notice like a normal person. I had to talk her down from petty revenge plots and rash decisions that would have had major consequences. I had to talk her down from mortgage fraud and immigration fraud. Sometimes I succeeded and sometimes I failed.

And then I realized I was parentified too, just not in the traditional sense. It was the same sort of thing you have to do with a toddler who is hell bent on sticking a crayola marker in the dog's nose, except with adult topics and vocabulary. I used to call it "being more mature than my parents" and... today it clicked. I may not have had to cook dinner at the age of 7 but I sure was talking her through these things.

No wonder I always found her so exhausting. My dad died recently and she tried to get back in touch, and if I was still in a mental space to succumb to the pressure, I would probably be having to talk her out of so many stupid things now too. Thank God I'm past this. Btw, I'm remembering this all in a more comical way now... it's not an ongoing problem so I'm able to laugh at "that time I had to talk a 52 year old woman out of committing mortgage fraud".

[Boat Babe]

I so feel your pain. This is emotional parentification and it's toxic as all hell. My mother did/does this. As a child she would tell me all about her affairs with married men. I remember one particular incident when she got dumped and was threatening to go round to his house and tell the wife. She's crying and drama queening all over the place. I am about 10 I think. There's just me and her as no dad or sibs. I was begging her to desist because I wanted to spare her the humiliation.  I'll never forget that

Our parents are just so awful. Big hugs Easterncappy.

[Leonor]

Oh, that is so hard, friends! I talked my parents through their divorces and addictions and deaths and I just thought it was because I was "very grown up." But really they were just emotional trainwrecks, and I never had feelings at all. Now that I'm a mom I am constantly trying to measure out how much and what kind of information is age appropriate and I'm sure I get it wrong and a lot. But the idea of having to talk your mother out if committing a crime or stalking a lover is just ... Beyond. Beyond! It's also beyond parentification, it's treating your child like a partner, partnerification. It's emotional abuse of the worst, most insidious type, and I'm so sorry you went through this as well.

[wisingup]

easterncappy - if you are asked to be the more mature one in the relationship between you and your parents, then yes, you were (are) being parentified.  This is the thing that brought me to my knees & gave me lifelong anxiety.

Because if your parents are relying on you for advice, decisions, etc then:
1) You have no one to go to with these things or teach you these things.  You have no safety net or mentor.
2) Putting you in charge of these things relieves them of the responsibility for it & places it squarely on you.  Which means you get to be the one to stress and worry about it.
3) You have no control over when these things are placed in your lap.  Every phone call from your parents could be another crisis to deal with. 
4) In my experience, there is no appreciation for taking on these burdens.  In fact, your reward if you handle them well will be that you will be given more to deal with in the future since you have demonstrated competence.
5)  There is no upside to this dynamic for you.  It works out great for your parents, as long as they don't care that it destroys your quality of life.

I am sorry you had to deal with this as well.  It takes a long time to see it because at first, you feel good and "special" that you are the one that your parents trust to handle things.