Thinking of going from NC to VLC

[bunzbunner]

I've been thinking about opening my boundary up to VLC.

Basically there's a few reasons I'm thinking about it:
- I would prefer to get to a point where I only see my Nparent on holidays and keep it VLC so I can rekindle my relationship with a sick relative living with my Nparent who I care about deeply. to add to this, I am getting married soon and this relative would not be able to go if the Nparent wasn't there
- apparently Nparent has been in therapy for the last several years, part of my NC boundary was that I wouldn't speak to them unless it was in therapy and I want to follow through on that boundary. I am also genuinely curious to see if it has made a difference
- because I don't feel much attachment to my Nparent I really have nothing to lose, and so kind of look forward to being able to speak more freely without worrying about the repercussions on our relationship

I do worry about the risk of modifying my boundary, but at the same time have spent the last few years taking care of myself through therapy and self care, I'm in a stable place where I know I could hold my own and not get hoovered.

Another concern is that during our NC time they repeatedly tried to break my boundary by getting their flying monkeys to convince me to talk to them again 'for the sake of the family'. There was a bizarre incident where Nparent tried to send me something of theirs in the mail and get me to coordinate picking it up. So I already am going in with no expectations for the relationship changing. I guess my hope is that I can just get to a place without any of the drama but with all of the benefits of not talking to them. Lol.

What I'm really looking for is support, and any advice from those who modified their boundary to VLC and how they did that. What were some strategies or boundaries you had in place before switching to VLC?

[osee1]

Hello bunzbunner,

I can only share a limited experience, and its not really positive, I cannot really share 'how to do it right', but perhaps I can share what problems I had. I had NC with a uNPD for a few months. Then went to extremely limited contact (but extremely like I literally moved to another country and would not visit and only had a phone call like once every couple of month), for several years. After I moved back to my home country I thought I would like to relate a little more with my sibling for example among other things so I slowly and very carefully allowed more contact, even in person. At the start no problem. Everything was very civil, nice even. Making a long story short, boundarie-creep started to happen very fast. Suddenly there was expectation that I would pick up the phone every other day and come to visit every month, from that to drama was very quick. I was not very clear myself at the time on how to transition and remake new boundaries, it only took a few weeks of that 'uncertainty' for old behaviours to come back. So I cannot say how to do it right, but just perhaps something to keep in mind, and to say that I wished I had planned it out in advance the way you are trying to do. - hope somehow helps and good luck.

[NarcKiddo]

I have no experience. I have never gone NC, I have just gradually strengthened my boundaries and reduced contact.

My instinctive reaction is that once you have relaxed a boundary they know it can happen. What is to stop them pushing at any boundary they dislike? You may of course be strong enough to withstand all of that, but I think you would need to be prepared for heavy pushback. I doubt they are going to say in the long term "Oh, bunzbunner, we have missed you so terribly and we are so very grateful to you for relaxing your boundary. We will respect your new boundary to the letter." In the short term they might say it. They might even think they mean it.

That level of stress may be worth it for you in order to facilitate contact with your relative. I would advise you to be very careful not to let the Nparent know this is your motive because then the relative becomes an easy bargaining chip.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

I went from NC to VLC with parents. I wish I had remained NC.

What I found was any contact with parents at all, even a couple times a year, still meant I was on the receiving end of the same poor behavior that sent me away in the first place. They did not change. Everything was still the same as I had left it.

What I realized is that any contact zapped me of all energy because I had to be on alert for boundary violations and able to utilize tools to enforce them on the fly. I got angry and hateful words yelled at me. It is exhausting. It takes a while to recover after contact. While being wiser, I still feel the impact from what they do. Also, the other people in the family I wanted to resume contact with were distant to me and unwelcoming, so I did not gain any positive relationships from VLC. I would say it was a net loss for me. I wish I had a success story to convey, but I don't.

My parents never went to therapy though, so I think I understand your curiosity. I think whatever you do base it on what feels right to you, not what you think is best for others. You could perhaps try a level of VLC that feels safe, and if you realize it is not working, resume NC again with that much more clarity.

[SeaSalt]

Hi bunzbunner,

Nothing stops you from trying it out and see it if you can handle it. Its not like one time deal. You can change from NC to VLC to LC anything you want and go back to NC anytime. When I understood this, things got easier for me. In last 10 years I was several years NC than a 2h contact, than back to NC, than few days contact, than back to NC, than few months of VLC, than NC again and it works fine. Each time I would break NC, I would learn something.
What I found works the best for me is to be so firm and assertive with my boundaries and so not interested in my mothers manipulation and lies that she has no pleasure of talking to me anymore. She is the one that avoids contact with me now because she sees that she can not control me. But for me its easier since all the contact that happens is by phone. If I had to see her often, I dont know if I would be willing to.
Do what makes you feel better. If you have something to gain by having VLC than you do it. Once its too much you can always resort back to NC.
Last time I spoke with my mother it helped me to see that she is not at all powerful as I used to think that she was. Talking to her now gives me knew perspectives and I understand better why she is doing stuff she does and I feel less anger toward her now. I also know that nothing can change her or help her and that she will never be able to be not-abusive towards me so I know I need to protect myself but that protection can come in many different shapes.
Let us know how it goes. Just always respect yourself and your own limits and it will be fine.

[Liketheducks]

Went from NC to VLC.    I don't regret it.  But, it has shown me that nothing is changed in my situation.  Granted, my parents aren't in therapy.   I have to give credit for that.    My parents are sure they're fine and I'm the problem.   

You can always change your mind and go back to NC if that is what is needed for your mental health.   

[sunshine702]

And it sounds like you know they will be the exact same abusive people that sent you to NC but the relationship with the sick family member as time is running out we will make it worth it.   If there is limited time I say do it.  Looking yourself In the mirror that you got some time is worth it .   I would watch some Dr Ramani videos and take some notes on some phrases  and mindset right before the battle. and then plan an escape and a detox - scented candle, steamy shower, favorite movie as a reward after.