uNPD brother in probably late-stage alcohol use disorder

[goodgirl]

Hey, folks--

I'm returning here after some years' absence because my NBro is in crisis and my SIL is in dire need of guidance and support.

The (extremely abbreviated) situation: Last Wednesday at 10am, NBro secretly quit his new job and, best we can tell, rented a motel room in another town, where he spent his days probably drinking while pretending to go to work. Saturday he called 911 from that motel and went to ER, where he was probably warned he was in alcoholic withdrawal but chose to leave (we were unable to learn any details because he never waived his HIPAA rights). SIL and I finally found him in motel, insisting he was FINE although he clearly was not. Drove to a different ER with him being violently sick, where he admitted to staff he had been drinking (he denied to us) and was in withdrawal. They discharged him with 2-day prescription for Benzos, and the warning that he needed to be in a detox facility before the meds run out.

Miraculously, we manage to convince him to go to detox/rehab place Monday evening, although he continues to insist he has no problem and it's wife who isn't well.  We breath a sigh of relief... until Thursday morning around 8 when wife calls to check on him and the facility tells her NBro revoked his permission to share any information with her, including his discharge... and he secretly discharged himself Wednesday at 4pm.

Now begins the odyssey of trying to find him, calling ERs and places he might go, calling the police, filing a missing person report, begging  NBro via text and email to let us know he's alive.  Around noon he finally contacts his wife... from the Dallas airport en route to Colorado (we live in New England). By evening, he's made it to his destination, sending pics to prove it, and since then is keeping in contact with his wife as though he's sharing the fun details of his little vacation. She's adopted the strategy of going along with his narrative, as she fears he'll cut off contact or even disappear if she's at all oppositional.  Meanwhile, he's definitely drinking, admits to it but of course he doesn't have a problem. Even though the facility discharged him with four meds to combat withdrawal symptoms, including anti-seizure meds. Which he said he isn't taking because he doesn't know why they gave them to him, even though each label states clearly the purpose (he helpfully sent us a pic). And at this point we don't want him to take them because apparently if he does while drinking, it can be very dangerous.

And so long story short (and omitting so many brain-scrambling details), we sit her on the east coast just waiting for the next contact to confirm he's alive, hoping he comes home when he says he's going to (next Tuesday), and trying to figure out what happens when/if he does. I brought my SIL to stay with me and my husband in another state so she won't be alone.

Has anyone had any kind of similar experience? We've been trying Al-Anon meetings, researching and trying to learn everything we can about alcoholism, but everything just feels very opaque and helpless: he has to admit he's got a problem and choose to get help.  Which is tough enough for any addicted person. But he's also a narcissist and under the best of circumstances has to always be right and everyone else wrong.  Over the last 10 years I've distanced myself from him, and if you'd told me a few months ago that I had any tears to shed for him, I would have laughed.

But he is so broken and sick, it's pitiable. I still know I can't have a relationship with him, and my SIL totally understands. But I don't want him to die, and he's in real danger. I don't want to have to tell my 93-yo, currently blissfully unaware mother that her beloved son has died or is in a coma, but I find myself trying to prepare those words just in case.

Happy f*cking Thanksgiving!   

[Olive]

I'm so sorry you're going through this.  My son almost died from liver failure in his early 20's.  My sister died when she was 64 after a life of substance abuse.  There are lots in my family.  I'm surprised when they live past 60, but that's a long life of drama.  I did a lot of hand-holding with my son by supporting him for several years while he floundered which fended off homelessness.  I guess he's a narcissist but that doesn't stop me from trying to encourage him to do better.  He's been pretty good for the last 5 years, works in management, and plans on getting married.  This has been 10 years of him working on himself, land earning to hold down a job.  When he lived 30 miles away and I saw him about once a month when he was down, and once a year when he was better.  We talk every couple of weeks.  In my experience, he is a good luck story.  My other relatives have not been so lucky and their children suffered deeply.

The hardest part is trying to have a life yourself if you become involved.  I think it's good for your brother to have people who care about him, but that doesn't make it good for you or your SIL My gut feeling is he would do better if he's in a place where he can only hurt himself and face the consequences of bad choices.  It sounds like that is what he's trying to do.  Accepting him and loving him for who he is doesn't mean either of you can fix him.  He might need to know your respect the boundaries he's put in place and that you support his decision.  The tough part is taking care of yourself and setting boundaries that allow you to have a life.

Good luck.

[Coyote23]

It's tough if your brother is at the point where he is behaving this erratically, plus discharging himself from rehab is a drastic choice. It's really hard, you're doing everything right, and hopefully he will turn around, but it's his choice.

Is there anyone else besides you and SIL that you can ask to call your brother or help? Sometimes people will listen to someone who isn't family.

I'm really sorry-my mom basically drank herself to death and it was excruciating. I felt so helpless all the time. Please do what you need to in order to care for your self. Remember that you will benefit from setting healthy boundaries.

[goodgirl]

Is there anyone else besides you and SIL that you can ask to call your brother or help? Sometimes people will listen to someone who isn't family.

Not really. He's pretty much rejected and isolated himself from everyone in his and her family, and he doesn't have any friends. Of course he's smarter and more sophisticated than everyone else in the universe, so that's not surprising.   

Poor wife is just finding out that years, maybe decades, of their marriage have  been based on lies, and the cruel behavior I endured for years is now being directed at her. He let her know yesterday he had the "best Thanksgiving ever" at the VFW where he is. She spent it alone at home with her cat. (She declined to join my husband's family Thanksgiving).

I am cycling between sadness, fear, and ANGER. He has an illness, I know that. But he's also a malignant narcissist, and a lot of his current actions are definitely his punishing his wife for daring to suggest he has a problem. Currently he says he's flying back on Tuesday, but the flight will be so late, he'll stay the night at a hotel and take the bus home Wednesday. He has yet to provide an actual flight itinerary and Wife is afraid to ask him lest he become oppositional and uncommunicative again.  But, you know, she's the crazy one.

And so we wait to see what he'll do next, wondering what length of silence indicates a need to call local emergency rooms.