Doing things for yourself = you're a bad person?

Griffen · February 22, 2019, 09:34:02 PM

So in therapy today I uncovered a new ... neurosis? flea? hangup? ... anyway, it was there, and it was loud. I am wondering if anyone else has a similar "thing" here.

When I was a kid, the only thing I was allowed to spend money on without getting shamed for it was food. New books? Not allowed. Clothing that didn't come from the thrift store? Not allowed. (And when I did get clothes it was ONE shirt and ONE pair of pants that I was expected to "make work" with whatever I had from the previous year.)

This went on until I was getting ready for high school.

My father (not PD) took me to Miller's Outpost. I may be dating myself here, but anyway, he bought me about $200 worth of clothes on his credit card. uCBm (undx'd Cluster B mom) threw an absolute screaming fit. How dare he buy me clothes from an expensive store? How dare he "spoil" me that way? How dare I want any of those clothes?

She said she was going to take them all back and return them, but Dad shut her down with "It's on my card, not yours, and they were on clearance, so they can't be returned."

This made uCBm even more furious. She had no control over this, and she knew it. So she did her best to make sure that anything else that cost money and involved me came with a guilt trip - even doctor's appointments. She'd pay the copay and tell me how the money was wasted because I wasn't worth anything. And therapy came with an extra treat: the guilt trip about the co-pay, and getting grilled about what I'd said in therapy, to make sure I hadn't said anything about her.

I still have this hangup today. I can buy food, but when I buy clothes or books or anything that's just for me, I feel anxious and guilty. Buying couches for our living room didn't do this because I told myself they were really for my husband. But I couldn't do that with my new shirts, or the new shoes I got when my old ones started to fall apart.

Anyone else have this problem? If so, how do you combat it?

Amadahy · February 23, 2019, 07:58:39 AM

Hi Griffen!

I'm sorry you experienced being made to feel worthless. You are not!

I do this, too, however. Plus, if someone gets me something nice or does something nice for me, I am immediately anxious and scared because I've been taught that bad things always happen and I don't deserve good things. I've never enjoyed a birthday or Christnas or Mother's Day. I'm working on this in therapy, so I don't have great insight yet on how to overcome, but I wanted you to know you're not alone. A goal I have is to joyfully celebrate our 30 year marriage this May and really enjoy it! 🙂 I hope you can come to celebrate good things for yourself, too!

Sarah H · February 23, 2019, 08:26:56 AM

Hi Griffen

Oh yes this is familiar. I used to be so ashamed of spending money that I had earned and could afford on myself that I would hide my shopping bag inside another food store bag or I would walk the long way home so that total strangers didn't see me and judge me; it used to cause me so much stress and I often didn't wear the clothes as I didn't want anyone to know.

I'm not sure how I got past this (I still have it a bit but it is less of a problem and often I enjoy shopping). One thing that probably helped was needing nice clothes for work - they weren't a luxury so that was okay and it got me used to spending money on myself. Also I think that I now classify feeling okay about how I look as a form of self-care and therefore something that is worthy and good to do rather than frivolous and self indulgent. I also set aside money each month for treating myself on whatever I like, sometimes I buy myself flowers!

Thinking about this I think for me choosing what I spend money on is also about chosing who I am; about my identity; I have a poor sense of self so it is good for me to make decisions about how I want to look.

Blackbird11 · February 23, 2019, 06:15:26 PM

My uPDm was like your mom - I was taught that spending money on yourself was selfish and wasteful. To this day I have hangups about it. For instance, if I ever go to have a manicure, I feel guilt. Every time. I haven't lived with uPDm for over a decade. I am a grown adult. But I feel guilt and have to talk myself through it. I tell myself that yes it's a treat and I'm also contributing to the people who own a small business and the person working on me so they have a job. This is my mental conversation every time!!! Then if I see my uPDm and she sees that my nails are done she will make a passive agressive comment about it. I now know to ignore it but without fail every time. I always always always feel guilt even if it's buying (needed) clothing or something else.

JollyJazz · February 23, 2019, 06:29:44 PM

QuoteI still have this hangup today. I can buy food, but when I buy clothes or books or anything that's just for me, I feel anxious and guilty. Buying couches for our living room didn't do this because I told myself they were really for my husband. But I couldn't do that with my new shirts, or the new shoes I got when my old ones started to fall apart.

Anyone else have this problem? If so, how do you combat it?

Hi Griffen,
I'm sorry you feel that way.

And YES I hear you about this.
And things that help me:
- positive affirmations - things like 'I deserve to be loved'. 'I am fine as I am'. And things like that - usually before I go to sleep is a good time.
- the other big one is to just get the thing you want, like say a new piece of clothing and to just walk through the guilt. So say put on that new piece of clothing, and feel that feeling of guilt, it will rise, but it will also fall away to nothing.

You matter too, and despite being brought up to be made to feel like you aren't worth being taken care of, you can take care of you now

Best wishes and good luck! You aren't alone with this

1footouttadefog · February 23, 2019, 06:43:55 PM

For me setting a budget for self care helped. I had x to spend. It mattered not if I spent it in a thrift store, on entertainment, hobbies, snacks, clothes, or beauty aids.

I at some point made an intentional decision to start a specific type of spending. I decided I had had the same things for my whole life while in the fog and decades later they did not all fit who I am now.

I went through many things and selected items to give away, then kept my eyes open for reolacements.

This was healing for me as many items were loaded by bad memories etc. Others were simply worn out and needed replaced. Some were kept out of obligation because they were gifts from family members decades ago.

I finally realized no one had a right to decorate my house for life just because they bought me a birthday present 30years ago.

Sarah H · February 24, 2019, 12:33:08 AM

I just wanted to thank JollyJazz for their response to Griffen. This reminds me of the bestselling book 'feel the fear and do it anyway' replacing fear with guilt; I think I could also replace fear with shame; I need to remember that feelings pass and that I will not break. I invest way too much energy trying to avoid bad things happening and bad feelings but attempts at control and resistance is just adding stress to my life.

Call Me Cordelia · February 24, 2019, 05:58:59 AM

Yup. My parents weren't as as extreme as your mom, Griffen, in that I did have adequate clothing and even excessive toys as a child. And most of the time I even got what I asked for for Christmas. BUT what was given was only given if it suited the agenda of making my parents feel good. So I relate to wanting something for myself and being guilted into feeling like a brat for wanting the same brands the other girls were wearing, or wanting to get my hair done for prom like the other girls. (Affluent Catholic school. We were labeled "the poor family" even though we really weren't.) My parents weren't necessarily wrong for denying those wants, but the way they went about it was emotionally abusive.

To this day I feel majorly guilty buying clothes that are new, buying makeup, buying things for my house that I like instead of using my mother's cast-offs (80s country clutter style). Getting my nails done, too. So I generally don't do those things. And when I do need to I overthink every purchase so it is mentally exhausting to go out and buy a friggin' pair of shoes.

JollyJazz · February 24, 2019, 01:21:42 PM

QuoteI just wanted to thank JollyJazz for their response to Griffen. This reminds me of the bestselling book 'feel the fear and do it anyway' replacing fear with guilt; I think I could also replace fear with shame; I need to remember that feelings pass and that I will not break. I invest way too much energy trying to avoid bad things happening and bad feelings but attempts at control and resistance is just adding stress to my life.

Thanks Sarah!

Griffen · February 25, 2019, 12:57:10 PM

Thanks, everyone.

What brought this up was that I originally went into therapy because someone else wanted me to, not because I wanted to. The idea of going to therapy *for me* brought up the same issues that buying a new pair of shoes *for me* did - and still does. The person who wanted me to go to therapy was offended when I said "I only went because you wanted me to." And it's still hard to see it as something I'm doing *for me,* and when I try, I feel guilty and anxious.

I just needed to know that I wasn't the only one who had this situation.