Nightmares

[Whiteheron]

About once every week or two I'll have a dream that involves stbx. I was telling a friend about one of them and she said "that's not a dream, it's a nightmare!" Funny how I never thought of them as nightmares, when thinking back, they clearly are.

I had one last night...more precisely, early this morning. I was at a house with the kids (idk whose house it was) and I needed to shower. In the one bathroom I was preparing to use, I got everything ready, got undressed and turned the light on only to find there was a huge window in the shower - so I would be on display. No thanks. So I went to another bathroom and was getting ready to hop into the shower when stbx barged in. I tried to block the door so he couldn't enter - but he kept pushing on it. I kept telling him to go away, I needed to shower. He refused. I kept trying to block him and lock the door...then the kids were coming in to the bathroom with stbx...then my alarm went off.

I think I had this nightmare because I felt he was violating my boundaries through DS yesterday. DS was texting him and stbx was asking him to sent photos of a certain pet. DS did. I was sitting right there and there was a constant text stream going back and forth. I bit my tongue, even though I wanted to scream. DS asked me to sit with him, yet was texting his dad. I know DS uses my presence to comfort him when he's talking on the phone with his dad, or after they're done speaking. He needs me to be around and give him hugs and attention. So I get that talking with his dad is stressful. But it's my weekend, and stbx is texting voluminously in the middle of the day. If I texted the kids with the same frequency on his time, I'd be hearing about it from his L. I don't say anything because I want nothing to dispel the notion that I'm trying to encourage them to have a good relationship with him. Even though it makes me very angry. 

It just feels like any chance he can take to get any type of foothold into my life, he will. Part of me feels like I'm exaggerating all of this, and when I read what I've written, I can see it being brushed off as, so what? by some. But I know him. I know how he operates. With everything else going on, I wouldn't be surprised if he's attempting to use the kids to spy on me.

Most of my other dreams involve stbx physically being in my house. He just walks in like he owns the place and makes himself at home. Or I walk in and he's just there and refuses to leave. I can't get rid of him. When the dream ends I'm usually on the phone with the police telling them my ex won't get out of my house, and that he has no right to be there because. They're usually sympathetic towards him (geez, don't you think you could give him a break and let him see the kids and stay for dinner?  ).

I just want him to leave me alone! I want him out of my head!

[athene1399]

I am so sorry you are experiencing this. It really does sound like you are worried about how much he is influencing/affecting your life. I agree with your theory of the trouble with boundaries, too. There are instances where (in the dream) you want your privacy, but cannot have it. then the cops side with him?  Are you also afraid (in real life) other side with your ex? You mentioned you'd love to bring up that he contacts you too much, but want it to look like you are trying to work with him or afraid his L will send you a nasty-gram if you do. It's just awful that you have to deal with him while awake and asleep. I hope you are able to resolve some of this and your dreams get better.

[coyote]

Can DS just turn his phone off when he is with you. If stbx has a problem just tell him it is one of your house rules.

[openskyblue]

Dreams are such a window into our souls -- and in your case, it sounds like that was literal! 

Dreams are a manifestation of our unconscious mind trying to work out some issue or problem for the conscious mind. This may sound kooky, but I've found when I've examined my own troubling dreams through this lens, it's helped me figure them out.

In a lot of  dream theory frameworks, a house represents you -- the wholeness of you, the basic you, your life now. When someone is invading a house, that is a force that is invading you. In your dream, it sounds like you are trying to find a place to get clean (shower). But the presence of your stbx keeps stopping that from happening. Then your children get pulled along into the invasion by your stbx. You try to find a safe place, but are invaded by responsibilities and demands.  From what you say about your son and his texting with his dad, this does sound like you and your safe space are being invaded regularly. Could your dream be telling you that you may need to make more of a boundary there? 

I like coyote's suggestion: Turning off the phone per house rules. It sounds like your ex was driving that text stream about the pet. I'm wondering if you son really wanted to be texting to that degree -- or was just doing so to placate his dad. If texting/talkiing with his dad makes him so anxious that he needs you to sit next to him while it's going on, that would seem to warrant putting some boundaries on communication with his dad -- for your son's sake. And for yours.

[Associate of Daniel]

I have similar issues with ds12 and his uNPD Smum.  Thankfully it's usually just during the holidays when they don't see each other much.

It's in our court orders that ds and his uNPD dad can communicate during certain hours of the day. 3.30 til 7pm or something like that. I now use the same rule for when ds is with his uNPD dad.

Fortunately (but sad for ds) his uNPD rarely contacts him, and vice versa. But his uNPD smum can't cope with lack of attention so she contacts him nearly every day during holiday periods. And ds either (depends on the day) feels obligated to reply/maintain the conversation, or is in a silly mood and maintains a mindless, unproductive memeful to and fro.

All contact now is by text on my phone (uNPD exH's choice) so I can moniter the conversation and time spent. I don't pass on messages from uNPD smum until the appointed time, and then only if ds is available. Otherwise it waits til later.

So I suggest setting a period of time for each day when communication is allowed. If your ds becomes upset during communication with his father, put a stop to it until he's calmed down.

Also, I have a rule in my house. Ds only has about an hour a day (if that) on his devices. I may start to implement that if the texting between him and uNPD smum gets too much.

Also, if they're facetiming, sit ds against a blank wall. You don't want the ex seeing into your house.

AOD

[Whiteheron]

athene-Yes, I am afraid people with side with him. Always. He is so convincing. I have to remind myself that he has no proof, no evidence to use against me.

coyote-You know, limiting DS's phone time is so obvious, yet didn't occur to me.  I have already spoken with DS about limiting his screen time. We are going to start working on that this week when they come back from stbx's. It will help that DS has a new after school activity starting up. Weekends are trickier because I'm not always at home with him when DD has an activity.

I do worry about limiting time he can talk with is dad, because he has less parenting time and I'm trying to be supportive of his relationship with the kids. But I shouldn't have to do it at the expense of my peace of mind and on stbx's terms.

OPensky-The dream interpretation is spot on! Thanks! Each time I have a dream like that I feel helpless to stand up for myself, which is how I felt for my entire marriage. The message that no one would believe me was constantly drilled into my head, I can only assume that's why the police in my dream believe him over me. He's just a victim and I'm the mean irrational exwife. That's how he's trying to portray himself to everyone.


AOD- It's a little tricky, because DS is older and all of his schoolwork is online. So if stbx wants to 'chat' when DS is doing his schoolwork, I'm not sure what I can do about it. I can definitely limit phone usage, but I don't want him missing out on communications from his friends. When DS becomes upset, he will not admit it's because of his dad. He may not even realize this is happening. I've always been good at recognizing patterns, and this is one that seems to keep popping up.

The kids do not facetime him, so that's not really an issue.

stbx did accuse me of surreptitiously surveiling him and his property, which leads me to believe he's been out at my house, either driving by or peeking in through the front windows. *shudder*