Too many silver linings aren't a good thing it seems

[Pepin]

Ugh....Do you ever feel that sometimes there are too many silver linings?  I hear over and over that PDs in our lives help us become resilient and build strength -- making us somehow "superior" to regular people that don't have to deal with what we do.  Could be a low moment in my life but I am tired of learning lessons over and over.  Part of it is that as a child I never had a sense of self.  The other part is that after I moved on with my life and then started putting myself first, I again fell into a trap and then fell apart.  Hurts more rebuilding the second time, I guess -- and with children in my life.

I am trying so hard to be positive and shift my thinking away from self destructive thoughts.  But the main PD (PDmil) in my life just keeps upping their game, which means I have to learn another lesson and set another boundary -- DH is useless to me now.  When will it end?  How many boundaries do I have to make for myself in order to understand who I truly am?  And it sucks being an empath that generally tried to see the good in people but I have limits, too...In my heart I know that NC would be the best thing for me but it cannot be...VLC is almost as painful as full on contact at this point as I am so sensitive....vigilant.  I just cannot fully heal from this woman.   

[athene1399]

I am so sorry. I always try to look on the bright side, but some days I'm like "i just want to be pissed" and that's totally okay. The silver lining doesn't excuse their behaviour.And you don't have to forgive (at first anyway) because there's a silver lining. You are allowed to be upset. And chose what you want to do. It sounds like you don't want NC or VLC. Maybe you can find an option you are comfortable with. Every situation is different, try some skills out and see how it goes (like grey rock). There's a lot of other options in the tool box. Ultimately for me looking on the bright side helps, but sometimes I do just have to sit with "This really sucks".... Then I go back to looking on the bright side. It's ok to be upset about it at times, even if there a "silver lining". You're allowed to get upset over someone treating you like crap.

[Pepin]

sounds like you don't want NC or VLC. Maybe you can find an option you are comfortable with. Every situation is different, try some skills out and see how it goes (like grey rock).

I am VLC but would love NC.  Since DH is not Out of the FOG, we have to remain in contact.  It would help so much if he could be in my court....that's the problem.  He doesn't recognize the dysfunction...or if he does, he's embarrassed and keeps it to himself.  I really don't know what else I can do.  I guess I am just tired of the way things are and looking for momentum to keep going forward.  If there are so many silver linings I have to learn from, it somehow makes me feel like I don't know myself...but learning from silver linings is supposed to help us refine and know ourselves better. 

[Sarah H]

Hi Pepin. I can relate to your anger and wrote the following rant in reponse; however I then had a revelation which I've added at the end - thank you for helping me to think this one through.

Personally I do not feel that there are silver linings to relationships with people with PDs. In my experience the people I have known with PD diagnoses are living with suffering; if I was to think of a physical health problem that had a comparable negative effect on their wellbeing it would be something that caused a significant amount of physical pain combined with a loss of mobility or sensory impairment. If I was in a relationship with someone with such a physical illness I'm not sure I would be encouraged to search for a silver lining.

My relationships with people with PDs has resulted in hurt, stress and fear; I have been lied to, manipulated, physically hurt, used and treated as worthless; there is no silver lining.

I agree that as a result of my chosen relationships with people with PDs that I have improved my boundries and developed strengths however as my lack of boundries etc were the result of growing up in an invalidating, controlling and neglectful family environment in the first place then I wouldn't have needed to do this work on myself if PDs hadn't been part of my life from day one; if I had grown up in a healthy home I would already have those healthy boundaries.

I do agree that some adversity in life is character building in the sense that over privilege and guaranteed sucess without effort would be harmful to a developing child but I think that most people's lives have quite enough challenges to protect against this.

Also I am not suggesting that we should just bemoan our situation and get stuck in self pity and victimhood but being encouraged to look at the bright side of being mistreated seems like telling someone who has just been robbed to look for the positives- yes maybe they didn't take the TV but they took everything else and keeping the TV and learning to get better home insurance does not make that better.

Ultimately I don't think anyone benefits from trauma and the effects of that except maybe shareholders in pharmaceutical companies.

That is my rant over; after writing this I remembered a theory I read about and I think that what is being promoted through looking for a silver lining is similar to that idea. The author said that in life we have lessons to learn to live well and that other people can teach us these things unintentionally; that we work through our issues in real life not theory. In this way of looking at things I am drawing people into my life as part of that process and a relationship with someone with BPD is helping me with the work I need to do on my boundries.  I do agree with this I just think the 'silver linings' term sounded a bit dismissive of real harm done as though I'm being negative if I can't see the good in an abusive relationship.

[HeadAboveWater]

Pepin, I'm sorry you're hurting right now.

I just wanted to validate that abuse of all sorts leaves a mark and changes who we are. Once one feels traumatized, it's hard work to come through that pain. Sure, it can be character building and there might be good lessons learned, but it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt in one way or another. Many of us here have situations that we avoid, anxieties that we must process, and/or physical and mental pain that we feel. There are certainly ways of not focusing on those things and ways to be happy anyway. Ignoring or whitewashing in an effort to find those silver linings is not the same thing as reaching acceptance.

I'm wishing you well as you seek space away from your MiL. From your post it sounds like you have a lot of hurt around that relationship right now. I hope you can get enough breathing room and enough stress relief to find good, creative solutions that will help you to be who you want to be.