A new challenge: being a healthy caretaker

[openskyblue]

I'm in that stage of life when the kids are launched, but my parents are becoming the ones who need care. Recently, my very aged (nonPD) mother has started showing signs of age-related senility and I've been pitching in to help her and find her more day-to-day care. In the scheme of things, it hasn't been difficult. She welcomes the help and is in good spirits. But like anyone in their upper 90s, she loses track of time, has a hard time remembering when to take her meds, get herself to bed, etc. I live in another city, so I manage a lot of her care remotely with my sister's help.

Recently, my mom had a big slip in cognition, and I felt myself go into Caretaker Defcon 4 Overdrive. It was so weird. One minute, I would be okay, the next I'd be hyperventilating about how I'd get my mom's medical POA done, was she taking her glaucoma drops, how could we put a system into place to make sure she was getting dinner daily. I started thinking seriously about giving up my apartment and moving in with my mom. I felt my caretaker self grow WAY out of proportion to the challenges at hand and felt isolated and depressed as I watched my life disappear before my eyes.  And it happened so fast.

When I was married to sociopathic exhusband, I was required to see to every single problem or doubt he had or thought he had or take the abusive consequences. There was no room in our marriage for me to be anything but his caretaker. I've been away from him for 3 years (now divorced NC), but boy do those caretaker instincts die hard. I know logically that I'm not alone in taking care of my mom and that she doesn't want me to give up my life and move in with her. But I still have to remind myself of every day that I'm not required to save the day and I have my own life.

Just wanted to share. I know I'm singing to the choir here!

[Pepin]

One motto I have found helpful is this: Don't sink yourself to save someone else.

How much has your sister been participating in your Mother's care?  Is it time to put a plan in place before things happen?  I know others will chime in more that have been through this.  My DH is on the edge of this right not with his mother -- though she is not in the best of spirits nor is she responsive to much.  She is great at saying NO to pretty much everything which means DH has to figure out what to do.  Like you he worries about her eating and taking medication -- just the other day she called to ask about how to take Tylenol... ...because she cannot read English anymore nor did she write down/remember instructions that she had been given before by DH.    

Since DH and I are not empty nesters, she could not live with us nor we live with her.   PDmil's sister lives near by and does a lot of the caretaking...but I can see that she is already tired of it.  It is a huge job and so difficult when the person being "caretaked" is challenging.

DH has literally been a caretaker his entire life, from a very young age....so he is kind of in the fog.  At times he has gotten pretty amped up when PDmil starts to decline or have problems...and it is so hard to watch him deal with all of it.  I am sad that he doesn't put more energy into what he needs for himself but right now he cannot see it. 

[practical]

... and I felt myself go into Caretaker Defcon 4 Overdrive.

Love it! Incorporating it into my language  Sounds so familiar! Reflexes are an amazing thing, and for me it is a reflex, only now like you I can see it happening and step back. I have instituted a rule for myself: 24 hours. Waiting 24 hours, sitting still instead of running around fixing things, it is the minimum I impose on myself before I make any official decisions about helping in any way, shape or form and for anybody (DH excluded). It has really helped me, often I come up with a simpler solution, realize there is somebody else who can do it and will be happy to, it isn't as big a deal as my fixer mind made it out to be etc.

This sticky from the Elderly PDboard might help you as the resources are really not about PD's but elderly people in general. The post by Springbutterfy/Sealioness might be helpful.
https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=68854.0

There is a lot of help out there you only become aware off when you tear your hair out because of all the issues piling up in front of you. There are for example pill bottles and systems that have time reminders for meds and can even inform your care team whether you took your meds. There might be volunteer organizations that have a program to look after meals, or for somebody to come by. There are the safety necklaces that can now even detect if the person is lying for an extended period of time and alerts the necessary services.

Just go slow and steady and you'll make it in one piece.
Good luck as you navigate this new phase, and I think you are in good shape. 

[Spygirl]

O my gosh,

I so needed to read this today abiut auto-caretaker. I discovered on a visit to my sis tjis weekend that her relationship is disintegrating.

I just started to do the same behavior, "helping" her with unsolicited information i gathered. I was thinking i had overstepped bounds, as she did not.respond back.
I have to apologize to her for.that. i did stop myself and will not do anything else unless she asks.


Yikes. Its so difficult to re-train oneself isnt it?

[StayWithMe]

I started thinking seriously about giving up my apartment and moving in with my mom.

Considering the fact that my mother told me that when I become an adult I can live where ever the hell I want to (expletive included) means that I will not move to help anyone else.

If they need my help, they will have to move to me.

[openskyblue]

... and I felt myself go into Caretaker Defcon 4 Overdrive.

Love it! Incorporating it into my language  Sounds so familiar! Reflexes are an amazing thing, and for me it is a reflex, only now like you I can see it happening and step back. I have instituted a rule for myself: 24 hours. Waiting 24 hours, sitting still instead of running around fixing things, it is the minimum I impose on myself before I make any official decisions about helping in any way, shape or form and for anybody (DH excluded). It has really helped me, often I come up with a simpler solution, realize there is somebody else who can do it and will be happy to, it isn't as big a deal as my fixer mind made it out to be etc.

This sticky from the Elderly PDboard might help you as the resources are really not about PD's but elderly people in general. The post by Springbutterfy/Sealioness might be helpful.
https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=68854.0

Thanks so much, practical! I love your 24-hour rule and am officially instituting it. My mom is safe and has lots of folks checking on her. Right now, it's really just the dinner service that is the gap — and we will figure that out. And if she doesn't drink the requisite 6-8 glasses of water a day, puts her hearing aids in the wrong ears,  or sometimes misses a dose of meds, well, that's life.

In answer to your question, Pepin, my sis and I have pretty much equitably divided up the mom care work load. She lives part time in my mom's city, and picks up a lot when she is in town. I'm more of the systems figure outer. I feel lucky I have a sibling who is easy going and responsible. If anything, she's been helping me calm down on the caretaker thing.

At the end of the day I'm realizing we are headed towards the end of life for my mom. I just want her to be safe, comfortable and in her home. If that means she eats Subway for dinner and cookies for breakfast and takes her meds every other day, I really can't flip into overdrive caretaker. It's just life. My dad live on chocolate milkshakes the last 2 months of his life and died peacefully at home. I'd take that exit any day.

[practical]

At the end of the day I'm realizing we are headed towards the end of life for my mom. I just want her to be safe, comfortable and in her home. If that means she eats Subway for dinner and cookies for breakfast and takes her meds every other day, I really can't flip into overdrive caretaker. It's just life. My dad live on chocolate milkshakes the last 2 months of his life and died peacefully at home. I'd take that exit any day.

I think that's the spirit  , at least it is for me and how I see my end of life. If I want to live on cream puffs, why keep me from it at an advanced age? If it makes me happy, increases my quality of life than what else is there to ask for?

(This is all assuming it actually makes you happy and not like F who refused to eat meat, which is fine, but then drove me and his doctors batty over and over again that his blood values weren't those of an 18 year old strapping male and I needed to fix it  .)

[openskyblue]

 

Sometimes I feel like we have to protect our elderly from the doctors and their perfectionist expectations. At least that was the case with my grandparents. Blood pressure not perfect? Grandma MUST have meds, even though they make her feel sluggish. My grandfather was on Parkinson's meds for 5 years because a doc at the VA didn't like his hand tremor. He was 94! He never had Parkinson's, and his new doc took him off the meds for it.

My mom recently had a UTI, which made her delirious and pissed off, as it does with a lot of people. Her doc prescribed an antibiotic and, get this, antipsychotic meds. I gave her one dose of the latter and she was so stoned I was worried she'd fall. No more of that! Now that the UTI has cleared, she's back to her old self.

And she's having her mid morning cookies now...