Physical distance with narc dad and sister.

[Crash86]

Hi,

Excuse my English.

My father is a covert narcissist and my sister is her golden child. I'm the scapegoat and my mother was the co dependant until she divorced him 17 years ago.

My father is 71 years old, my mother 68 my sister 40 and I'm 32.

Life was hell until my mum divorced him when I was early 16. Then my father left home and my sister too (to live with her at the moment boyfriend) and my mother and I stayed alone. They were very hard times but at least we didn't have to deal with the bs drama.

At 19 I left to another country (inside Europe, I'm from Europe) and at 20 I went no contact with my father. At 21 I returned to my country but to another region, at 25 my mother came to the region I was living in and since then we've been living together (my mother and I had a very difficult economic situation).

She was and still is the only person I trust in my family, before and after the separation, she's my best friend.

At 26 I emailed my father again (I still blame myself for it) and since then we've been in touch again, although nothing has changed. I see both my father and sister once/twice a year on average and a few calls emails as well.

The thing is, live is going well right now, I'm happier than ever and I have the chance to return to the region were I grew up. Problem being that's exactly were my father and sister are.

I want to go back there because of old friends, economic reasons (good taxes) and because frankly I miss my culture. Money is not a problem anymore and I can move freely.

Like I said, I'm scared because one of the reasons life is going so good right now it's because I have very little contact with them, because of the physical distance, I'm very scared that if I go close physically to them, like 20km or so from them I'll have to deal with a lot of bs that I don't have to deal with today. But at the same time I want to go back for the other reasons I mentioned before.

Even seeing them once a year or having 5-6 phone conversations a year I can feel how narcissistic they are and my sister is getting worse every day. Recently in one of her visits she got mad at me because I ignore her...

My mother also gets very anxious and stressed when having to deal with her daughter/my sister and is also scared of moving with me back to or closer to where they are...

I wanted to share this with you, maybe your experience can help me. I went to therapy and the guy told me that I'm fine and that I'll be able to do what I want, he basically told me to stop overthinking lol, he clearly doesn't know my father and sister. The only reason I'm still alive and functional is because I left them when I was 19 years old and thanks to my mother's support.

Anyway, do you think it's possible for me to go back with my mother closer to them and have boundaries? Right now the boundaries are self explanatory, because of the physical distance and I can put very easy excuses like having to work, lack of time etc. But being so close to them... It makes me so mad an sad that I maybe have to stop doing something I want just because they happen to be there... Anyway.

Thank you for your posts, they really help.

Best regards.

[doglady]

Hi Crash.
Your English is great. 
Some of us on this site live near to our FOOs without having contact. I’m one of those. I had VLC and am currently NC.  It can definitely be done.

If you love your culture and miss your friends, then you have the right to live wherever you want and be able to enjoy all that without feeling like you can’t do it because your father and sister also live there. You need to do what is best for you. Sometimes it’s good to ask: what would I be doing for myself if they didn’t exist at all?

Having said that, you may also want to think about some boundaries you can put in place - because when you have close geographical distances there is also the chance that your father and sister may try to visit, or you may bump into them in shops etc. Think about how you want to handle this and have a plan in place. For example, I don’t answer the door if my parents come to my house. I also choose not to go to the one or two shops in a particular nearby town that that I know they frequent. If I see them in the street and they haven’t already seen me, I walk away in the opposite direction. If I bump into them, I keep my sunglasses on, pretend I haven’t seen them (I’m a bit shortsighted anyway ) and I keep walking. Or I say, ‘not stopping’. I’m also a very fast walker.  This might sound cowardly and avoidant but it’s what works for me as I have cPTSD and am still very triggered by the sight of them. Everyone is different though and you need to do what works for you. No one can judge what is best for your wellbeing in this type of situation but you.

You can also explain the situation to your friends and ask for their support if required. Good friends will be happy to do this. Those who aren’t - ditch them. They weren’t your friends anyway.

I’m sure other Out of the FOG members will have additional good ideas.

You sound as if you have done an amazing job of dealing with your father and sister so far after overcoming a very traumatic childhood, and I’m sure you will continue to do so. Best of luck in your move back to your home town and I hope it all works out fantastically for you.

[Crash86]

Thank you for your answer. It's encouraging to hear that some people are able to have strict boundaries living nearby. I'm very scared about that. I don't know if I have cPTSD but I certainly get very anxious and upset when having to visit them or receiving their visits, phone calls or emails. I've written another topic regarding a visit from my sister in August. It's all peace and good life until I have to deal with visits, planning to move closer to them, Christmas reunions... I feel like I know the solution (going NC with both of them) but I always had hopes about my sister not being NPD. It's been very hard to accept this.

[doglady]

Regarding whether or not you have cPTSD, obviously it's best to see a therapist with experience in this sort of thing. Your 'feeling scared, anxious and upset' around the contact with your sister and father could be symptoms. They are pretty common ones. In the meantime, you could check out Pete Walker's books and website if you haven't already. They are very helpful in clarifying this stuff further.

Basically, if you are feeling anxious and upset about your sister's emails etc, it's probably your gut instincts setting off 'Danger, Danger!' signals. And I think it's always a good idea to pay attention to them. I read your other post, about your sister wanting to come and visit and I'll comment there too. But if you feel that NC is the best course of action while you take time out to look after you, then that is your decision and it should be about what's best for you, not anyone else. You don't have to take emotional responsibility for how your sister feels about it. And as you already know, NC doesn't have to last forever - but it might, and that's ok too. 

As for your having high hopes that your sister isn't NPD, she may or may not have NPD or some NPD traits. However, it may be more helpful to focus on her behaviours rather than the possible diagnoses that might 'explain' why she acts as she does. Looking for the diagnostic reasons behind someone's behaviour can be kind of comforting in helping to you understand their 'reasons' but if you just look at her behaviours, for example, if there is an ongoing pattern of her stomping over your feelings, and you subsequently feeling like shit around her, that's a good enough reason not to see her, wherever the 'diagnosis.' As for accepting it, she is what she is, and she may or may not choose to change. All you can do is keep your boundaries and know what you will accept in terms of others treatment of you. Expect some push-back from her. Sometimes it gets worse until they get the message that you won't put up with their shit anymore.

You can also postpone her visit (like, forever), send her emails to trash and not answer when she calls, if she is being abusive.  Or you can call back on your own time and keep the conversation very short, and hang up if she becomes abusive. You deserve to have a peaceful life.