uNPD mother is in the ER

[Seven]

So evidently she had a fall on Saturday while trying to walk the dog.  I mean literally fell off her concrete slab patio.  She told Sis1 she only scraped her finger and knee (Sis1 calls her daily since lockdown to remind her to take her meds, etc)  No biggie, right?  Ha.  89yo martyr.

Well, yesterday she tells Sis1 her whole side is bruised.  Then tells Bro5 today that she hurts, but she ONLY wants to see her family doctor way over on the other side of town.  Luckily doc nipped that in the bud and told her to go to ER (but her hair!  "Oh the horrors" as my dad use to say)

Bro5 took her.  He cannot go in.  Had to do the registration process on the phone while in the parking lot.

The good that is to come of this is that it's just her.  She won't be able to hide her dementia.  No one to answer questions for her.  Bro5 sure as shit won't ask for a competency test even though this is the perfect time and he is perfectly aware she is wack.  Hopefully the hospital staff will catch on.

Plans are being made to have her stay with Bro6 if and when she gets released.  His wife is a nurse and is the only one qualified to take care of her on a "good day" with her incontinence, UTIs, constipation, etc.   uNPDm needs more than what the ILF does for her on a "good, normal day" and not one of us is qualified to do it except for assisted living, memory care, or SIL6, though as a school nurse she is still working handing out student meals, so the threat of Covid exposure is real. 

This is being discussed on a group messenger chat.

Finally a situation though where there is the opportunity to get the care she needs, and not the care she wants.

I'll keep this updated.

[Seven]

Well, they let her go home.  Clear chest X-ray.  Nothing broken.  Contusions though.  Dehydrated and probable UTI, which she is already on an abx for, yet "they didn't ask what prescriptions I was on". Something doesn't add up.  They didn't give her a rx for a suspected UTI not knowing she was already in the middle of a course?    No Covid test.

The dehydration and UTIs are becoming a chronic issue. 

She needs more than what an ILF offers (she doesn't even use what they offer anyway)  but Bros just want to hide it all and be in total denial.  Bro6 is in for a wake-up call.  Bro5 will be asking us for $.

[Seven]

Well, this whole situation is going over like a lead weight. 

uNPDm was all gung-ho over going to Bro6.  He just sent message that she called and said "tomorrow is too soon" and is postponed to a date TBD. Basically,  Her way of backing out.  All the girls saying for him to go get her and screw what she wants.  Even Bro3 who is on other side of country says she needs to go.

This isn't about what she wants, it's about what's best for her.

[Outsiderchild]

I don't know if you are in the US or not, but if you are then if anyone in your family is on her HIPAA form that person can access her medical information and see just exactly what the medics prescribed.  If no one in your family has been authorized to see her information then you are stuck taking a PD's version of what happened. 

I'm pretty sure Bro6's wife isn't putting any pressure on him to get her mother-in-law ensconced in her home and care.  Sounds like it is time for the wheels to come off the PD Bus that's been chugging along for years now. 

Be clear about what you are willing to do and be involved with.  None of this is anything you can do much about besides requesting wellness checks for her.  Anyone who thinks more should be done should feel free to step and do it.  But you can not be "volun-told" to do anything you don't agree to.  Stand firm within your shark cage. 

Your mom has worked diligently for many years to create this scenario, it isn't going to be nice for anyone.  So you need to keep yourself safe and healthy.

[Seven]

I'm in US and have a medical background.  I'm no longer on her HIPAA forms and am no longer on her AMD.  Trust me, I know all about it, and want nothing to do with it.  Bro5 finally filled us in on her ER visit.  Evidently she was being belligerent in the ER, so the nurses came out to get him.  That's when he told them she was already on a course of abx. That's why they didn't end up giving her anything. So yeah, he originally left a bunch of info out, that caused everything not to make sense.

Bro5 does the most for her as he is single (this is after ignoring our entire family due to being married to a BPD for 20 years.  He finally got smart and is trying to make up for lost time I guess). He knows she's wack, but does what he can to downplay it.

She is suppose to be going on Friday to stay with Bro6.  That BETTER happen.  I think Bro6 is in for rude awakening.  He just thinks her confusion is due to her UTIs.  Nope.  I mean it contributes, but nope. 

I picked up her dog today because Bro6 doesn't want her back.  I love dogs, but the way uNPD mother spoils this dog, I don't particularly want her either.  She's spoiled rotten and fat.  Wouldn't be my choice in a second dog.

[Kiki81]

I feel for the dog here.

[WomanInterrupted]

The dog can be trained - your mom can't.

If you've never really trained a dog before - and I mean  trained, as in, "I love my dog, but he's a bossy, pushy pain in the ass and really needs to learn some manners!"  - I recommend the book, "Leader of the Pack" by Nancy Baer and Steve Dunno. 

The book helped with an unruly Malamute named Andy and his big sister, a Shep/Col/Sky named Rosie.  They learned the humans are in charge and to look to us for guidance on what's acceptable and what isn't. 

It's easy to follow and you don't have to enroll in classes.  Even if you have a dog who is pretty easy-going  and mostly listens...ish  , the addition of a second dog might teach your resident dog bad manners - or, "She gets away with it, so I'll try."

Nope.  None of that, please.     

Once you get a handle on your mom's dog - or, I should say, your newest family member    -  I think you're going to  be *very* surprised, in a good  way.

You're going to be able to *praise* the dog.  You're going to be able to tell her she's good.  You won't resent her -you'll wonder how the hell you ever got along without her.

In six months, you and your DH will be out on the back porch, watching both dogs playing in the yard and it will all be worth it.   

If you don't think that's possible, please go to Petfinder and contact a no-kill shelter in your area to discuss how to transfer ownership. 

Whatever you decide is the right answer  - only you and your FOC know what will work best for you. 

Please do NOT let your siblings or mom  factor into your decision.   

You've got this.   

[Seven]

Actually, the dog learned her lesson really quickly.   She had fleas from my mother (not actual fleas, but PD fleas just like any offspring).  Needy and needs attention 100% of the time.  That has already been nipped in the bud.  If my mother ends up staying unlimitedly at Bro6, then Sis1 is taking the dog on a permanent basis.   I'm just temporary.  I knew this ahead of time. This has already been discussed between interested parties.  She really isn't a bad dog (beagle), just attention-needy like I said, and really isn't my choice of a second dog.

On another dog note, uNPDm keeps asking where the dog is going to be.  Deep down she thinks I'm going to give her away.  Know why?  Because when I was a teenager, she had a family friend get rid of our dog while I was out of town.  A dog we had for 8 years. Didn't even have the balls to do it herself, or have my dad do it. So she thinks I'm going to do that, because like she said when we were growing up "you're a reflection of me".  So because she did it to me, that I'm going to do it to her.  She wonders why I'm so resentful of her.  She also has a history of not being able to deal with pets.  Pets that SHE has chosen. She has even given her current dog to Bro6 TWICE because she couldn't deal with her.  Each time she had to have her back because she missed her.  I mean FFS, if she thought I am going to give her away, why did she let me take her in the first place?

But even as of this morning uNPDm is doing everything she can not to go to Bro6. The ILF has been lax on their lockdown, meaning any residents who can drive were still going out.  As of yesterday, they are locked down for good.  No one is allowed out, period.  So my mother thinks this means she can't leave.  Unbeknownst to her, she's allowed to leave to go live with Bro6 for multiple weeks.  She didn't comprehend that yes she could leave for weeks at a time, just not hours at a time.    It's either all black or all white for her.

There have been a few rehab facilities in my area that had multiple Covid deaths per facility, has even been in the news.  So going with Bro6 is in her best interest since he's in pig country.

[Seven]

Well, it hasn't even been 24 hours yet since she was picked up and the siblings were told by Bro6 this morning  via group chat that "there's a special place in heaven for SIL6".

theyre in for a rude awakening (I keep using that term, but it's only appropriate)

Dog is good. She's learning quickly. I don't resent the dog....she's just really not my choice in what I would consider a companion for my own.  I guess what I do resent is my mother thinking I'll give her away.