Breaking point

escapingman · May 26, 2021, 05:34:01 PM

Must say that the more I think of your post Tragedy or Hope I wonder if you actually know how it is to live like this? I have been battling this for almost 20 years and finally started to get a grip, and you tell me I should accept the abuse? Today she has been bullying SG again, I have stood up for SG and got it in the neck. Shall I just let her scream and shout qt my children? Because she has had a hard time? SG came to me tonight cuddling me so hard whispering in my ear how much she loves me, I told her as always I love her too and she asks me why her mum doesn't love her. What do I do? I lie of course, again, telling her that her mum loves her but she is stressed. For how much longer shall I do this? Or shall we all just accept that she us a bit stressed all the time?

JustKeepTrying · May 26, 2021, 11:45:30 PM

I am going to extend some grace and believe that Tragedy or Hope is in this section of the forum - chosen relationships - and sees posts that appear to advocate divorce as inappropriate. I agree that no one should rush to divorce and forgive us if it appears that way. In some ways, I look at my 32-year marriage as successful because I stayed married for 32 years. But the psychological and physical damage done to myself and my children - I will never regain that. Decades of stress have taken a physical toll and will definitely shorten my life - stage IV cancer, fibro, and PTSD. I am a walking miracle that I am alive. And the stress of daily tirades, gaslighting, physical intimidation all took a toll. Not to mention the lasting trauma that my children are dealing with. No, divorce was the best option.

escapingman, you are in a tough spot and I am sending you hope, peace, and wisdom.

Anyone here on this forum deserves grace - whether we agree or not.

Boat Babe · May 27, 2021, 04:12:13 AM

And much love and healing to you and your children Just keep trying.

1footouttadefog · May 27, 2021, 05:52:48 PM

I hope you find a way forward to peace for you and your kids soon.

tragedy or hope · May 28, 2021, 07:55:48 AM

Each of us must live with the decisions we make for ourselves and our children. Anger is a very powerful emotion. It sometimes can jetizen us into decisions we regret. Peaceful decisions are made with consciousness of consequences.

I have learned that often anger is closely tied to deep down fear... of not being loved, accepted, desired, exposure of feelings that are not reciprocated etc. Violations of personal boundaries that I am not able to handle also make me angry sometimes because I sincerely don't know how to handle them.

I am grateful for the tools and people on this site who have walked before me. Time is always on my side. It is my life and I make my own decisions. I hope I give that freedom to anyone who reads my posts.

escapingman · May 28, 2021, 10:38:22 AM

Tragedy or Hope: Sure I agree that decisions should be taken in peace, but it is not my decision to not have peace at home. For me the decision is for pure survival, the absolute worst is when things are good and I start thinking this might actually work, she has changed, then she erupt into another rage. I cannot stop these eruptions, I can try to to calm them and make them less frequent, but I can never stop it. I can see when they are coming, I know her cycle way to well. Right now she is OK'ish with me as she is trying to get back in the good books after her last outburst. I know, as soon as I "forget" and start acting normal with her, the next outburst get closer by the minute. When I am nice to her, she uses that fuel to get stronger and the stronger she gets the closer to eruption. If I am cold to her, she behaves like a victim, she then do anything she can to turn me round, mostly be being mean, triangulating the kids against me.

I have 2 options, 1 leave her and survive or 2 stay and probably go to an early grave. I don't want to risk number 2 so I will have to do number 1. The anger is not mine but hers.

square · May 28, 2021, 11:20:33 AM

escapingman,

I solidly support your decision to leave.

I also support TorH's decision to stay. But that's her life and her choice, not yours.

I can understand your frustration. Just as I would respect someone's choice and not counsel them otherwise in the Committed section, I think choices to leave should also be respected.

You're okay. It was just someone's perspective and you can dismiss it. When you're already struggling, it can be difficult to feel congruent. You would like consistent messages in this place of support especially given the vortex you are spinning around in at home. But it's okay, you're thinking clearly and making your own choices, you are your own man and not everyone has to agree in order for your choices to be right.

Poison Ivy · May 28, 2021, 11:33:57 AM

Starboard Song · May 28, 2021, 11:38:15 AM

Quote from: square on May 28, 2021, 11:20:33 AM
You're okay. It was just someone's perspective and you can dismiss it. When you're already struggling, it can be difficult to feel congruent. You would like consistent messages in this place of support especially given the vortex you are spinning around in at home. But it's okay, you're thinking clearly and making your own choices, you are your own man and not everyone has to agree in order for your choices to be right.

Spot on.

Tragedy or Hope has presented and politely explained an alternate viewpoint. That's totally fair game. And escapingman, based on his experience, sees that viewpoint as a shocking non-starter. As an economics professor always told me, it is a difference of opinion that makes a horse race.

escapingman, it doesn't sound to me like you are rushing anything at all. You are at a hard point and have no good options ahead of you. But I sincerely believe you will be in a far better place three years from now than where you are today. That was a long horizon for good reason. Steel yourself: this will be hard. But you are going to make it through, and you are going to do your level best for your kids along the way. Be ever so good. Be ever so strong.

ploughthrough2021 · May 28, 2021, 09:02:47 PM

Quote from: escapingman on May 28, 2021, 10:38:22 AM

I have 2 options, 1 leave her and survive or 2 stay and probably go to an early grave. I don't want to risk number 2 so I will have to do number 1. The anger is not mine but hers.

Hi Escapingman, I like your simple but to the point synopsis. I am exactly in the same situation as yours and I choose to save myself and the kids as I can never change my uNPDw (I tried for 30 years and I have served my time plus more)

JustKeepTrying · May 28, 2021, 10:17:26 PM

May I suggest that this thread be moved to separated/divorcing?

Tragedy or Hope - I see your point and as stated before everyone here deserves grace. The only caution I urge is to frame future posts with a little more sensitivity. Other than that, yes, no one should approach the vow of marriage - a holy sacrament - with caution and patience.

In this instance though, perhaps not. God bless escapingman, you are not in a good situation but you appear to have a handle on what you need to do. Hugs to you and your family.

moglow · May 28, 2021, 10:55:36 PM

EM, I have no wisdom, only compassion for what you're facing and maybe a little flipside insight for you. My parents divorced when I was 9-10 - looking back I know it should have happened before and I truly don't know how he did it. I think Daddy stayed with her thinking it would improve. That she'd settle down or grow up maybe. I don't know. He's been gone many years now, but to the end he said he'd always loved her, didn't understand her - but ultimately wanted the best for us.

Do what you need to do where the marriage is concerned, and keep a safe loving space for and with your children. Be there with them whenever and however you can, refuse to be cut out of their lives. Never let them doubt you love them. It matters more than you may think.

Whatever her efforts, her foul and harsh words, they need to hear yours. Looking back, I don't remember Daddy ever saying a word against mother - yet she spent our lives degrading and sneering at him as she had everyone else. Her character came shining through, but in a whole other way.

We're here with you, and your children.

escapingman · May 29, 2021, 04:55:16 PM

Thank you all for your wonderful messages!

I am not sure, maybe naive, but I might be getting somewhere. Not with my wife, but with my children.... She changed the dates to do the trip last week, I decided to go with. Not for her bur for the kids, I get an enormous reward from the kids. I decided to ignore every tantrum she had, and to put up boundaries. I drove, we had not even driven a mile when she made the first complaint about my driving, I calmly told her that she either shut up or else I will park the car next time. She didn't say a word about my driving for the rest of the journey. At the Zoo we had a great time, she had her twitches but I ignored them, and so did the kids. She kept felling hard done by during the evening, but I ignored all of that and so did the kids, it was an amazing time for me. Today at home I have taken the kids to the park, wife stayed at home complaining, at home she shouted at the kids and they start to show signs of disapproval of her. Then went to the supermarket with one of them and bought food to make a big meal, the other one was with my wife and was told during this time that I can't cook... Anyway, we ate and both kids gave the meal 10 out of 10, wife ate her own stuff as normal. Afterwards we went out in the garden to play some football and enjoy the rare sunshine, she didnt join us and then slammed doors and complained about how mean we were. I have just taken the kids to bed and cuddled them, she has locked herself into our guest bedroom. I need to keep this going, today has been a great day.

Thank you all again.

escapingman · June 01, 2021, 04:53:17 PM

She reached a new low today, this time I really don't think I can ignore it anymore. Can't write the whole story as you all would know anyway, but ended up in a restaurant and she was desperate to kick off. She made complaint after complaint until we got the entire meal for free in the end, I just wanted to sink through the ground - and so did my youngest who us only 11. My youngest even asked me afterwards if we could go back and apologise to the waitress.....

escapingman · June 07, 2021, 03:18:45 AM

The most difficult bit to deal with is when she has set one of the kids (almost always the golden child) against me. She starts this with back chatting me to GC, letting GC feel special and to be in "her" zone. Then GC takes it upon herself to be nasty to me to please my uNPDw. GC tells me something mean, and looks for her mum for validation, I just don't know how to handle this. I feel discussed with my child, but I know it's not her fault as she has been brainwashed. Yesterday I had some good news for the kids about something we would do next week, I then said you will be hungry after this so we could pick up a pizza on the way home (this has been their favorite food for as long as I can remember), GC starts shouting at me telling me she doesn't like pizza and immediately looks for validation from her mum. I calmly tell her it was just a suggestion and she keeps shouting at me looking for validation at the same time. Then she reveals she wants a sandwich from starbucks (do I need to say that uNPDw had raved about how much she loves starbucks the last days?), then keep shouting at me how stupid I am for thinking starbucks is only for drinks and that they have the best sandwhiches (GC has never been and only heard her mum telling her). In the end GC ended up with her mum on the sofa watching adult TV with me and SG left out (we stayed away as well). Today uNPDw is wondering why I am cold towards her and what she has done. The scary thing is that I don't think she has a clue what she is doing, but I really have had it with her keep telling GC about all my faults (that she makes up). I think GC needs therapy, but no way I can get her to that whilst still in the same house as he mother.

I have put it off for too long, but I need to pick up the courage and contact a lawyer and get this nightmare to end.

ploughthrough2021 · June 07, 2021, 07:07:37 AM

Hi Breaking Point, from a distance, it sounds like your situation is getting worse. Yes, seek some legal advice and plan your exit. I am actually starting to contact lawyers myself. And find away to not be under the same roof if you can.

SparkStillLit · June 07, 2021, 07:58:22 AM

I want to offer a tiny tad of hope while you're exiting this terror.
Your child is young teen/preteen? Still clearly in the home. Often when these children are either left alone with the PD parent, OR they get out of the home on their own, with some age on them, they begin to see the disordered behavior for what it is. The best thing you can do is stay strong for the kids, and keep offering them stable, kind, dadly behavior, as you have been. Your GC may see the light in time. Therapy, if possible, is a great idea for ALL of you. You have ALL been hurt.

tragedy or hope · June 07, 2021, 08:35:01 AM

I seem to have struck a nerve here.
Whatever... maybe a re read would be helpful. Not everyone agrees with leaving, divorcing... some people stay. I feel the issue I need to look at will be me, not the one who is my focus.

I have learned that others can handle things I cannot and vice versa.

Insensitivity can appear to be speaking simple truth in this upside down world. Truth be told, there are many choices to life issues. Each resulting in consequences we must live with in the end.
I have... only suggestions based on wisdom, not emotion.

Good luck. I wish you the best.

p.s. ...agreed, perhaps separating and divorce would be a better topic area.

ploughthrough2021 · June 07, 2021, 09:11:53 AM

Yes. This belongs in the Separating Forum. But when I think about 'Chosen Relationships', I am sure for most of us who are in this Section didn't really 'chose' to be with a PD... The PD chose us !!!

escapingman · June 07, 2021, 01:01:08 PM

Maybe it is belonging in the separation forum, but I am not there yet and although I keep saying it I am just not sure I will manage that step. I feel like I need her permission to end it, its sick I know. It makes it extra hard when she is "normal" and my brain plays up telling me it will all be OK, must be so worn down by it to still trying to justify her bad behavior. Anyway, I will keep moving in the right direction and hopefully one day I will create a post in the separating forum.