Working on rebuilding myself

[Sparrow_wing]

I am grateful for this website and forum.
About me: I'm in my 40s with young children. I was married for over 10 years to a man I believe to be a narcissist and have paranoid delusions. I felt like something was very off in our marriage over the years, but I couldn't pinpoint what and often felt I was overly dramatic. I had fantasies about an outside party observing what was going on and validating my feelings by telling me that the way my spouse was treating me was not right. Then I found this website, and I found my experiences reflected in the posts here.
While we were together he told me that everything in our lives that was going wrong was due to me not trying enough or not being loving enough. Here he was working on bettering himself through counseling, but I wasn't trying, and he AND his therapist could see I was the issue. That others could see I wasn't working hard enough to keep up with the housework or care for our children. He would often talk about things others had said regarding topics but refused to disclose who had "confided" in him. If I called him on this and said I'd spoken to each of my friends he would claim he'd never said that and I'd drawn the wrong conclusion or was misremembering.  To preserve my sanity I started making notes of all of these claims yet I still found myself questioning if I'd misunderstood when I didn't write things down verbatim. In short, he was always the unappreciated victim and if you don't immediately sympathize the story grows more and more dramatic until you do. He was fired or quit in a rage his last four jobs but to hear him talk he was singlehandedly keeping the companies going and jealous co-workers forced him out.

This summer, in the middle of a pandemic with little savings, I took the kids and left him. Apparently, this was shocking to him because we had been "rebuilding our marriage over the spring". In reality, I had told him prior to fleeing that I wasn't willing to continue like we had been and, among other things, he needed to seek help for his delusions. (He thought the government was out to get him and his friends in Washington were trying to help keep him safe.)
The tipping point was when he lashed out at one of my family members verbally accusing him of all sorts of bizarre things and, when this person didn't back down from him like everyone else, attacked him physically. My husband was restrained but was injured in the process and ended up needing medical treatment. My husband then created a narrative where this was all a plot against him and he was deliberately baited into reacting so this family member could attack and injure him. My ex tried to get charges pressed but after the police took statements they ruled both parties were equally at fault and closed with no charges filed.
The first few weeks after I left, my ex blamed my family for turning me against him. Then as the weeks turned to months and I filed divorce paperwork instead of asking him back, he started claiming that I had been verbally and physically abusive to him and the children throughout our marriage. He lied in court documents claiming that the children's therapist doesn't want the children to have contact with my "violent family". After years of gaslighting and blame-shifting, I panicked wondering if their therapist had said something to that effect and I hadn't realized it or remembered it. I contacted their therapist to double-check and was told that they had "absolutely NOT said that." Ironically, now the therapist is more worried about my ex's behavior than anything else. He has also called CPS with false statements. Because of the backlog, it took weeks for that to be closed as unfounded.
He hasn't changed in the ensuing months. He has been ordered to pay support for the children until things were finalized but as the months trickle by I've yet to receive anything from him but excuses as to why it is MY fault he can't pay. He maintains that I never gave him his checkbook or an account number to deposit the funds into when he has had both since I filed for divorce. He tells the children that my family is bad and they hurt daddy, that mommy lied about it. I do what I can to protect my kids. I'm grateful they are in therapy and am desperately hoping the child advocate reaches out to me soon so the children can be better protected from these manipulations.

So I am continuing to work with my own therapist and try to be patient with a divorce process that is very slow due to the pandemic. I've been reading and listening to self-help books trying to rebuild my sense of self and my boundaries. I am stronger. I have started to laugh and joke again. When my ex called CPS on me a second time I was able to roll my eyes and say "Here we go again."  When he text me that he loves and misses me I simply ignore it.

[Boat Babe]

Wow Sparrow, well done for getting yourself and the kids out during this difficult time. You are so brave and determined. I'm also encouraged by your clarity of purpose and understanding of the dynamics of PD abuse. You sound pretty Hoover proof!

You'll experience a lot of ups and downs on the way so be prepared. The downs eventually become less frequent, shorter and less severe. Looking back, they were real drivers of learning and growth.  I wish you well 😁❤️

[Sparrow_wing]

I'm also encouraged by your clarity of purpose and understanding of the dynamics of PD abuse. You sound pretty Hoover proof!

It took years for me to get here. So many times I wanted to ask for a divorce and talked myself out of it. There would be a lull and I'd think maybe the worst was past. In the end maybe this was for the best as there is no hesitation now. He is toxic and I'm doing as much as I can to minimize his impact on the kids and my lives. He is resisting though and trying to cause problems where he can.