Trying to help my parents, sister with PD will not leave home

[matthu2]

Dear All,

Firstly thank you for reading this.

My sister is 37 years old and has been living with partner/ then close family in a dependent manner for her whole adult life.

My parents have been suffering with her for the past 8 years. She repeatedly accuses our mother of being a terrible parent and blames her for her mental health problems. If am honest, her treatment of them is verbally and psychologically abusive. She has also failed to transition to taking on every day adult responsibilities. My parents bought her a flat to live in, she has chosen to rent it out and remain at home, with income generated from this rental agreement funding her lifestyle.

My parents are in their late 60's and still hopeful she will get a job and move out. They are even considering selling the family home to draw a line under the current dysfunctional living dynamic.

The worry I have is my parents will never get out of this situation and having worked hard all their lives, not get any joy of retirement.

We need some form of family therapy to clarify healthy boundaries and restructure how the financial and emotional support my sister demands.

I am empathetic towards her, rescued her countless times and tried my best to facilitate her dreams and aspirations. She is choosing a lifestyle of mushrooms/CBD/etc, which is her decision but in refusing to even take part-time low paid employement, it completely dependent on others.

She admits to having no self-esteem but declines any offer of meaningful help.

Any guidance that can be offered regarding resources, specific therapy options or general support relating to whats above would be greatly appreciated.

Many thanks

[NarcKiddo]

That sounds difficult.

My immediate reaction, however, is to point out that your parents are (I assume) fully functioning adults. Why are they enabling her? Why do you think they need/want your help to resolve the situation? Why not let them sell the house and force her to move out if that is what they think is the best option for them?

I know this sounds harsh but my parents, too, eventually bought my sister a flat to get her out from their home when she was 30 and still there. In our case my sister has some PD tendencies but our mother has the most obvious PD and continues to control my sister from afar. So my parents were not blameless in the dysfunction. My reading of your post is that you think your parents are not part of the dysfunction. But they might be, at least to some extent. Until you are completely sure exactly what the dynamics are, my advice would be to tread carefully.

[xredshoesx]

welcome to the forum matthu2.

i was the observer in a similar situation between my uPD biological mother and her parents.  unfortunately in our family, the history of abuse is multi generational, and for my own mental health and well being i had to step back, as did my mother's younger brother and her first child, who was raised as my 'uncle'.  the level of dysfunction has kept us all NC with my mother as well as each other.  the short answer is there are no easy answers- obviously you don't want to see your parents hurt or be financially taken advantage of, but as they are adults it's kind of hard to tell them what they should or must do to remedy the situation with your sister.

my question to you is- what happens if you do nothing?  i'm willing to bet that your role in the family is the 'fixer' or buffer for your parents.  when my half brother and uncle decided to step away (at different stages) it allowed us to focus on our own families and healing ourselves from the abuse.

i know for me it was really hard to see my grandparents doing stuff for my mother and half brother/fake uncle that they wouldn't help me or their other son with, and that made me really really angry because when i was younger i didn't fully understand the nuances of the fear, obligation  and guilt (FOG) my mother was able to hold over her parents' head and manipulate them with.  maybe the FOG is what is keeping your parents as caretakers for your sister?

i still use the toolbox all the time- even when not dealing with someone who may have a PD.  maybe some of the strategies here can help you understand the complexity of the relationship between your parents and sister  Toolbox.  above all, be gentle with yourself.  there is nothing you did or didn't do to make your sister the way she is, and there is nothing you or anyone can do to change her or control the behaviors she exhibits. 

hope to see you on the boards soon-

[Carolina]

Hi I just want to tell you that reading your intro, it felt like I was reading about MY sister.  It's a very similar situation, and we as a family have decided to stop enabling.  This is happening in real time, so I'll let you know how it goes (I'm literally going to court tomorrow to evict my sister with BPD).  It's so hard to experience the ongoing headache of these mental health problems and in addition, to watch parents suffer as they sacrifice so much in an effort to try to fix the problem.  I hope there are some positive changes that happen soon, for both of our sisters!