trauma bond

[October99]

I wish I had learned about the trauma bond sooner and developed tools for conquering it. I was so focused on MC and GR just to get through the divorce. I didn't consider that I was not in control but indeed I was sucked back into it. I read threads herenow and it makes me think of how I felt then. How the guilt would come back just thinking about his suffering and how good it felt to make him not suffer and now I KNOW it was that d@mn trauma bond. I see it in my kids and have helped them learn to identify it and overcome it. It is HARD people. REALLY HARD. I have been separated since Aug 2016. Living apart (mostly) since June 2017. Divorced Aug 2018. And I just evicted him from my spare bedroom again after trying to "help" him for 6 months. I am working so hard to not fall for it again. The method of entrapment is similar each time and I can observe its cycle now in his constant barrage of messages. The kids are learning too.

He has a place now. It is an hour from where we live. I guess it is all he can afford. According to the divorce papers, I am supposed to hand the kids over to him every other weekend. They are terrified of going. Idk how to handle it. I will not force them. I don't think he will pursue anything in court. They are almost 12. I know they feel free finally. He has been away and they haven't spent much time with him for a month. I am doing my best to stretch that into July. Time apart seems to do wonders for the trauma bond. It provides clarity.

I watched some great youtube videos and read articles online to better understand the trauma bond. My ex is a covert passive-aggressive narcissist.

[bohemian butterfly]

I read threads herenow and it makes me think of how I felt then. How the guilt would come back just thinking about his suffering and how good it felt to make him not suffer and now I KNOW it was that d@mn trauma bond.

Thank you for posting this and I am so sorry that you had to go through that.  I will youtube trauma bonding and watch some videos.  Thank you so much for posting this.

[Blackbird11]

I think I'm really struggling with the trauma bond right now. This is a nightmare.

[bohemian butterfly]

I think I'm really struggling with the trauma bond right now. This is a nightmare.

Same here Blackbird11, same here.  I just keep going back and forth.  I'll be 100% like "I'm out the door" one day, but then the next I'm like "maybe I'm just being too independent and/or stubborn."

Example:  this morning I was feeling sad and guilty (my boyfriend woke up singing and being affectionate,  etc) but by the time I got to work, and listened to a voicemail I had received from him, I was enraged once again (he wanted me to leave my full-time job early this afternoon, so that I can run an errand for him......ugh, no! Not only is this "errand" close to the farm (where he is), but he has 2 workers at the farm today to run his errand!!!  )  When I replied back that I couldn't, he wrote back "OK"   And "OK" = annoyed.      

I just remembered something else........yesterday he told me that he wished I would take off work (yesterday and today) so that I could take care of his 82 year old mother (his older sister, her primary caretaker went out of town for three days, so he has to go up to the house, which is like 500 feet from the barn where we live, to give his mother breakfast, lunch and dinner).  Sooooooo, basically he wants me to take off work, not to hang out with him, not to go on a date, or go on a trip....nope, wants me to use my annual leave to do a task for him!!!

So my time, my job and my life are meaningless to him (unless I am doing something that he wants me to do).

But that trauma bond is sooo very powerful.  This is why writing it out helps.  We can look back at our diary and remind ourselves how we felt and what happened.

[Doggo]

Me too. 

I had a really nice weekend with the uBPD h--things were great, he was talking about the changes he needs to make and he was doing chores around the house (instead of chatting online 24/7..) Then tonight he 'decided' ton invite a woman 'friend' on our vacation and just verbally forced this decision on me (she can't come, thankfully)---

So now I'm back to anger and ready to call the lawyer a friend referred me to, alimony be damned (I will be paying because he doesn't work)

Does anyone ever feel like you don't know what is the 'real' person and which version and which of your own emotions to believe in all this?