realizations of prior conditioning and being an errand runner

[bohemian butterfly]

I questioned myself before, but I am slowly beginning to see the light.  I'm being used.

I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years (almost exactly to the day) and what started off as fantastic (lasting for about 2 years) has transformed into sadness and despair.  The past 2 years have been challenging and heart-breaking.  I think that I have cried more during this relationship than any other.

I've gone back and forth, back and forth questioning myself, but over and over I am seeing that our relationship isn't normal and isn't healthy.  I've been blinded by my upbringing and societal conditioning (plus some Catholic guilt thrown in).  I was raised to believe that I needed to find my soulmate, nothing else mattered.  Both my mother and her mother (my grandmother) would get excited with each new boyfriend I brought home ("yes, he's the one!  I really feel like you got him this time! etc")  In hindsight this is kinda funny because I dated alot of men!   Imagine their frustration!     I only decided to go to college because my high school sweetheart's mother urged me to go. (thank God for her!)  My own mother never talked about college, and/or careers or anything, she was just focused on me finding my perfect mate (without really providing a healthy example!).  So over and over and over I have searched for the elusive Prince Charming.  I was groomed to think that this person would be my everything.  I was groomed to think that this is all that mattered in life.

my relationship.  It didn't start off like it is now.  In the beginning we were partners and we talked about our dysfunctional backgrounds and we thought we were different.  I was in counseling throughout the relationship to help me deal with my enmeshed mother and to learn healthier relationship skills.  I would come back from therapy and talk to my boyfriend and get so excited that I was growing and learning!  The crazy thing is that as soon as I successfully un-enmeshed from my mother, and I "graduated" from therapy, my relationship with my boyfriend took a turn.  Suddenly he started drinking more and working more.  His dream was to be a farmer and I wanted to support him.  The only problem with this was, he kept adding more and more to his plate.  He suddenly had no time and he was stressed. His "emergencies" became my emergencies and if I didn't help him out, I was "bad"  (not stated, just implied)   I, caring about him, tried to help, but also tried to be mindful of my own mental health (susceptible to depression).  Suddenly one day, without warning, he started "barking" at me (I'd seen him do this to others:  friends, family members) but never to me.  He started directing me.  I realized he never asked for things, he just said "you need to...."  "Do this"  "Help me with this/that"    If I helped him with one task, I was obligated to help him with the next and the next and the next.  One task that would have taken an hour turned into many tasks which would take the entire day.  If I didn't want to help (and rest) he got huffy (he wouldn't say anything but his body language conveyed his displeasure).  A few weeks ago we got into an argument and after asking him if  he was unhappy (because he appeared resentful) he said, "why don't you just leave then!  If you want to go, just go"   I was devastated.  We spoke again a few hours later, and he admitted that he was resentful and that "he wanted a partner that was "all in""  He then said that I was the one for him......   So in one sentence he basically told me that he wanted me only if I behaved how he wanted, to enmesh and work with him constantly.  To help him achieve his dreams at the expense of my own.  He doesn't say this verbally, but this is how it is by his actions.  He keeps me so busy that I don't have time to do anything that I love doing (reading, watching movies, drinking coffee on the porch, hiking, walking, etc)  Everything I love has to take a backseat if I want to be with him (that is what those conflicting statements meant)

A few other things.....

My boyfriend has been happy the past few days.  There have been several instances in which he'll throw in "promise me you'll love me forever!  I know that I'm high maintenance, etc"    I think that he senses a change in me.  The other day I started reading "Boundaries" and I didn't hide the fact that I was reading it.  He glanced at the book and said, "Why are reading that book?  You've got more boundaries than anyone I know!"  and kinda laughed, scoffed.  I replied that I actually needed to say "no" more often.

I was standing in line at Panera this morning and two women standing behind me were talking,  joking, smiling, and laughing and I realized, gosh, I couldn't remember the last time I laughed....  I miss it.

So although I still get confused (do I stay or go?  Is it him or me?  can this be fixed?  am I overreacting?)   I still plan on leaving (in 11 days) I just have to somehow get over the guilt and the fear of how he will handle it.  I cannot sacrifice my soul for another, no matter how I was conditioned and groomed to do so.

I know why I am doing this.  My mother stayed with my alcoholic father until she had "done her job" (raising me and my brother) and threatened divorce as soon as we were out of the house.  My father stopped drinking that day because I think that he knew she really would leave.  My mother stayed because she thought it was her duty.  She prayed and her prayers were answered.  Now, there never was a problem.  Drinking was never there, it was never a problem, get over it, sweep it under the rug.

I am in the same position.  If I stay (for what, 20 years) maybe he will change.....  Will my patience and sacrifice be my reward?   

For some reason I don't think that: God/the universe/my higher power wants me to exert this much energy into something that "might be"   My boyfriend is not God, he is human.  I can't change him and I can't go down with him.  I want my precious energy to be used for something else.  I can't do this anymore.  I can't fix people.  I can't look the other way and try to convince myself that they are not hurting me.  He is hurting me because he is not seeing me.  He doesn't see me!  He sees me as an extension of himself and I don't think that he even likes himself.  I can never fix this.  He needs to see this, want to fix this and needs a professional to help him, not me.  If I stay, that is 2 more humans on the earth that have spent precious energy for naught.  Two precious humans spinning around in a hurricane going nowhere.

I went off tangent, but it felt good to write this out.  Thanks for reading.

[notrightinthehead]

You know exactly what you should be doing.

You have so much insight into what brought you to this point and you know quite clearly what you do want. You are brave moving forward step by step. Of course you have doubts and fears. Tell yourself that you are making the best decision you can, given the information you have at this time. If you make a mistake - there will be many ways to correct it in the future.

[Liftedfog]

You got this!  Your insight is so clear.  Don't let your pd question yourself.  I was in your shoes . I was my expdh caregiver since I met him at 16.  First I was managing his emotions and as we got older, he made me manage his life, school decisions, work decisions, recreation decisions.   And while I was doing all this he kept me on a tight leash and isolated me from loving family and friends.   The emotional and verbal abuse while I kept him afloat in life was unbelievable.  I used to think over and over again how can he bite the hands that feed him.  A dysfunctional, disordered person does just that.  It doesn't matter how much you do, it's never enough and anything going wrong is ALWAYS your fault.   I was even blamed for things he got himself into when I was not even around.   You have a chance to leave and make your life better.  Take this chance and don't look back.  I'm in the middle of 7 year divorce still in the works, 2 young children involved, lost my home, over 150, 000 in legal fees burned.  I didn't deserve this.    You dont deserve this.   Sending you a big hug. I wish I had your insight.  I only found this board after I had already left from domestic abuse.  It was 30 years by then. 30 years of my life lived like a slave.