Face to face convo? Or leave a note?

bohemian butterfly · June 18, 2019, 01:14:30 PM

So as I get closer to leaving, I have been anxious about how I'm going to approach this.

Regardless of all that has transpired in my relationship, the thought of just leaving with no explanation makes me feel like such a horrible person.

I have left abusive relationships before (and felt guilt stricken) but I did so for safety purposes. One ex had anger issues (and owned guns) and the other was so dysfunctional, I had no idea what he'd do (he ended up breaking into my apartment).

The lesson I am going to take from this is that I will never give up my home and move in with a boyfriend ever again, from now on I will keep my own space, own my own property (even if I ever get married, I won't add anyone's name on it, I need "a room of my own"). The stress of starting over, over and over again has nearly killed me.

Perhaps it's leftover Catholic guilt (I'm no longer a practicing catholic, but was raised in the religion) people pleasing, basic human decency? My soul not wanting to hurt another soul?

But then part of me knows that even though I will probably cause another human deep emotional pain, I can't stay because of it. If it was a healthy relationship, I wouldn't be here, posting almost every day and/or reading this forum every day.

I feel like I will be punished for causing pain. I know this is childhood programming and it is evident that I probably need to step it up in therapy (focus on trauma addiction and work on my core and original wound) but this doesn't make this any easier.

But, if I stay, more pain will accumulate and I believe that I will just give up. If I give up, I will not have fulfilled the reason for my existence (which is definitely not to fix someone and/or prevent pain)

I know what I need to do (leave) but I just don't know how to do it........

Spygirl · June 18, 2019, 01:30:33 PM

Dear,
If you have even the slightest bit of doubt,
Re read your posts here. Whenever i feel guilt, i re read my journal and keep swimming. It validates me every time.

MY treatment, MY pain, were vaguely considered by my ex. He put on a helluva show when i left. Looking back, i wish i could have held off for week until he was at wk. It was messy. I was crisis, i had to go.

You are smart enough to plan an escape, and to understand that you have your own issues to fix. Leave a dear John note, call after you are gone, just go. Avoid letting him know the location.

Ignore his words, and watch actions. They will confirm your choice. Both of you deserve the life you want, and it does not sound like you want the same things. No shame in that.

You can do it

sad_dog_mommy · June 18, 2019, 02:02:24 PM

Hello BB,

It sounds like you are worried about the physical and emotional logistics of moving out. I personally like to avoid conflict or tension so I understand.

Do you have lots of stuff to move? Can you slowly (stealthily) take your most prized possessions out of the house each day on your way to work? Or maybe stash them with a friend? My ex was so vengeful I expected him to rip the head off my childhood teddy bear so I took it to work. Of course in hindsight I know this was just an irrational response to all the stress I was under at the time but it gave me a sense of peace and control during a difficult time. Maybe now is a good time to clean out your closets? He wouldn't think twice about a car load of stuff headed to Goodwill.

I hope you will have a friend or two there to help you pack up and get out of there quickly. I might have told you this before but my ex was very well behaved because I had my sister and BBF with me when I asked him to move out. He would never have made a scene in front of others. I left him with a pile of moving boxes, bubble wrap and tape and the dogs and I moved to my Mom's house for 2 weeks.

You got this.

11JB68 · June 18, 2019, 02:20:54 PM

I've run through this scenario in my head, how would I do it. I've thought that I might as him to meet me somewhere public (coffee shop), tell him I'm leaving (no jadeing, no big discussion) and leave from there. Public= safety, less chance of a scene, neutral ground, etc. Of course we never ever meet anywhere for coffee etc, so he'd know something was up and I'm sure I'd be interrogated...

Kat54 · June 18, 2019, 02:35:17 PM

bohemian butterfly - totally get it, and I feel your pain and feeling so torn as you will be hurting another person. From what you describe you have been in these bad relationships previously. For some reason I always feel like I'm saving or helping someone, maybe so they will appreciate and love me?
A lot of it has to do with loving yourself first, and being the best you can for you and you alone.

What helped me was keeping a journal and I would read over and over the painful things my ex inflicted on me with his verbal abuse. On the outside and to everyone he's the nicest thing since sliced bread. I was torn and riddled with guilt for 2 1/2 years. But therapy and guidance from dear friend got me to leave. My friend said to me right near the end of the year; he asked me where my life will be for the new year. The thought of going into another year fretting and worrying on how to leave him made me take the leap. It was like a switch finally came on.

I met him for dinner in a restaurant; knew he wouldn't make a scene and blow up in front of people. He's a narcissist. We had a very calm conversation and I told him I would be moving out and we were separating. But then once out a couple months later when I saw he didn't even care to fix anything I filed for divorce.

You deserve way way better. You are number 1!

Whiteheron · June 18, 2019, 06:10:58 PM

After several face to face convos in which stbx kept pushing me to make "my" decision (he was pushing me to be the one to file, since he was already having an affair), I waited until he went on yet another extended "business trip" with his gf. As soon as he left, I had my L draw up the papers, then I informed him over email that I was filing for divorce. Despite him pushing me to file, I still feared for my physical safety. This way gave him a week to cool off before the face to face talk.

Of course, now he spins it as me being gutless - didn't have the guts to tell him to his face

, but I know the truth.

bohemian butterfly · June 19, 2019, 10:37:40 AM

I appreciate each and every response. A few weeks ago, I prepped a Dear John letter. Every day I tweek it a bit (no JADING, no blaming) It's getting shorter and shorter as I originally thought I needed to explain in detail why I was leaving.

I've already tried to have multiple discussions with him and we've already had a conversation or two about parting ways (so it's not like my leaving will be out of the blue or totally surprising). I think that I am still viewing this as a normal relationship. I feel like a normal relationship can tolerate a normal break up, like a face to face convo with a mature discussion with the possibility of parting ways with no anger, an although possible disappointment and grief, an understanding that the relationship (although dead) afforded each person an opportunity for growth and an appreciation for the memories. But this is and was not a normal relationship.

I've dated this man for 4 years, and this is a hard walk, one of the hardest decisions........but I keep taking steps. I can do this.

To everyone in this forum, your posts and stories and advice have been so helpful to me. I don't think I could have done this without you. I appreciate you all so much, so very much.

Whiteheron · June 19, 2019, 04:35:06 PM

Bohemian - my note was short: I'm filing, I know about your affair, here's my L's contact info.
Done.

cant turn back · June 19, 2019, 07:32:41 PM

Yes BB, everything you said. It's not a normal relationship. No matter how eloquently you put it, it will be twisted and taken out of context and manipulated to fit his agenda, whatever storyline he wants to create... he'll be the victim, you'll be the bad guy. Expect it. It will be hard, but, you know, it's not wrong to change your mind, speak your truth, grow, evolve, put your own oxygen mask on.

pushit · June 19, 2019, 10:42:50 PM

I wouldn't bother with a face to face if you have any concerns at all for your safety. Just leave the letter for him and move on. I would keep it very simple as Whiteheron said, why ever give them any ammunition in writing to make you feel guilty over? Just need to state the facts. Deep down, he likely knows you're going to leave and why, so no need to engage in further arguments.

A weird example from my experience - I had her served on a Friday when she was at work. The morning of the day it was scheduled I waited for her to leave for work then grabbed my essential belongings and went to work myself. The day went fine, she didn't explode (not what I expected), she picked up the kids after school like normal and I got to speak with the kids that night and see them over the weekend. All was fine. Then.......I got served with divorce papers on Monday. I was seriously confused until my para-legal explained she got in a big argument with uPDw's attorney's office over who filed, and we didn't care since it was in the same jurisdiction. So now, I'm apparently the "Respondent". I think it's to save face, so she can claim she left me. It's all about public image, right?

Just goes to show you, always expect the unexpected....