Threats of blackmail

[EnufZnuf]

 I want to divorce, she only wants separation. She met in front of the therapist that she is holding me hostage. She threatens blackmail if I file for divorce . She was claim (falsely) that I am molested our daughter.  She has already called a few of my close friends claiming this.  They did not believe it, because they see that I have a great relationship with my daughter, and the sea good she has a strained relationship with our daughter,  and they have all seen her get extremely angry and unreasonable over the slightest of things.

So, I'm not really worried about what she might tell my friends and family. However, professionally my business works with many children, and any Accusation of this nature, no matter how false, could be detrimental to the business.

Any thoughts on how to prepare?

[Penny Lane]

Yikes, this is really scary!

What is your gut telling you about whether she'll follow through on the threats? It seems like she's she's already made the allegation to some people, the liklihood is pretty high. Or do you think she'd drop it if she's not getting traction?

What helps me when my husband's ex does something like this is to consider the worst-case scenario, make a plan, and then (this is important) do the thing we were going to do anyway.

You can set a better tone of your post-divorce relationship now if you enforce the boundary that you won't give in to blackmail.

So think through that worst case scenario. What if she calls CPS? What if she calls your employer? Who else could she call that would be damaging? Who are the people she's most likely to call?

OK so say she's called them. Are you going to wish you had documented her threats? Maybe a BIFF response? "Dear so and so, today you told me that you were going to falsely claim that I had molested our daughter if I filed for divorce. Allegations of child abuse are very serious and if you suspect our child has been harmed by anyone you should call CPS. But I hope you decide to not make a false report in order to retaliate against me."

Would it ease your mind to warn your boss that this might be coming and tell them you'll work with them in whatever way necessary? What other steps could you take on the front end to mitigate this?

What could you do after she says it to mitigate the damage?

Take care of yourself. This is a very scary allegation (it's meant to be). Be safe as you move forward in this process.



Edited to add: I just read one of your other posts and it sounds like your daughter might be an adult? Or at least older? If that's the case, would she rebut it and tell people the truth if necessary? It seems like if the alleged victim says it didn't happen, no one is going to take it very seriously.

[EnufZnuf]

Penny, yes daughter is 35,  and would definitely refute wife's claim. I own the business, and daughter works at the business, and we are making a plan for her to take over the business, eventually. So a strike at me, could damage the business, and residually damage daughter and her family.

I've been thinking down the road you are suggesting (what's the worst that could happen?).

I think wife imagines some grandiose screen where she will get to tell her story of what a horrible asshole I am in front of the courtroom. I'm not worried about that. But I am concerned about what damage she could cause the business on social media.

She has little credibility with those that know her well. Yet she can be very charming, and I see  (and hear about) on social media, how she seeks and receives encouragement and support and sympathy from people who don't really know her or me.

Anyway, thanks Penny I appreciate you for sharing your experienced based thoughts.
Thanks!

[Penny Lane]

Oh that's a relief to hear!

I laughed at "some grandiose screen where she will get to tell her story of what a horrible asshole I am in front of the courtroom." That does sound like a PD's dream, doesn't it? Getting everyone to spend money and stress in order to advance a total lie. I'm glad you're not worried about that one because it seems highly unlikely.

The BIFF book I read recommends that you respond to allegations in the same format as they come in. So if it's a social media post, maybe another post or a comment.

Maybe your daughter could prepare to write something like "Hi, I'm (daughter's name). These allegations about my dad are not true. He and I work together and have a great relationship. My parents are getting a divorce and I'm sorry to be caught in the crossfire, but I hope these untrue statements don't affect your perception of our business. If you have any questions you can contact me directly. And of course if you ever suspect real child abuse, the right thing to do is to call CPS." (I added that last line in there to sort of underline how ridiculous the statement is on its face - your wife is alleging that she's known about abuse for 30 years, did nothing and now decided to post it on social media during a divorce??)

But really, if it's a bunch of people who don't know you and who aren't in touch with parents of the kids you serve, it might just blow over. It doesn't sound like she has a whole lot of reach.

I'm so glad to hear that your daughter is an adult! I was so worried about the possibility that she would get some traction with CPS and a child could be temporarily get taken away.

Even so, this is stress you don't need right now. Stay strong on your boundaries and let her know that her blackmail will not work on you. Otherwise I suspect every time she doesn't like what you're doing she's going to trot out the allegation. (I want more than half of your retirement account or I'm gonna say you molested our daughter. I want the house without having to buy you out or I'm going to say you molested our daughter. You have to come as my date to *event* because it's weird for me to go alone otherwise I'll go and tell everyone you molested our daughter. And so on.)

[EnufZnuf]

Thanks again Penny. 👍