I think I messed up trying to set a boundary with PD brother

[Everglade]

His psychologist diagnosed him with NPD and his psychiatrist diagnosed him with BPD. Either way, I've put up with his abuse, judgment, criticism, belittling, unsolicited advice (read: lecturing), and opinion bullying for my whole life. For the past few years he's become much better with me as he's worked hard in therapy (which is why I think he may be BPD with narcissistic traits, not full-on NPD) and saw how I went no contact with my diagnosed BPD mother for a whole year. But last night we were talking on the phone (I live in another city and we talk on the phone infrequently) and I told him I was excited to go and stay at a hotel for two nights with my husband once we go on leave. When I told him where (a big hotel chain in the city), he got into judgment mode and told me I should support small business owners as tourism in our county has taken a bad knock and also why don't we get out into the country rather than staying in the city? This triggered a trauma response in me - freeze/fawn and I just said, 'you make a good point, I'll think about it.' The rest of the conversation went fine, he was nice and considerate, mostly.

Then, this morning, I was gripped with absolute rage, at how he always takes the moral highground and judges me for everything. I have hardly ever expressed such feelings to him before, because he is a bully and I am very anxious and frankly I'm scared of him, he triggers my childhood trauma response. But I'd had enough so I sent him an email explaining that he crossed a boundary by making a moral judgment and also giving unsolicited advice - he may not agree with me or my choices but he must respect my right to use my money and free time as I want to. I'm an adult and he should treat me as an equal and if I'm not harming myself or others he should not pass judgment on me and how I live my life. That I wanted to go to a nice hotel to enjoy the pool and the spa and get a couples massage and not have to worry about cooking for a couple of days. That I am my own person with my own ideas, hopes, beliefs, tastes and I ask that he please respect that.

That was about five hour ago and I've had no response. I'm sick with anxiety. I don't know what's real, am I right or wrong? I'm just imagining what he would say, that I overreacted or something. Am I overreacting? I feel very anxious and depressed. I know I could have done this better, maybe I should have rather said this over the phone rather than writing a blunt email.... I just don't know.

[serenitycalm]

I understand feeling anxious and depressed in this situation. What has worked for me in related events is to get some exercise, even a stroll around the yard and block, then to firmly refocus my attention.

I make sure that I eat something, keep myself hydrated, and have interesting things to do and focus on.

What self care activities can you think of? What has worked for you in the past?

I don't think you over reacted. I don't think any of this is an either - or situation. We learn as we go along. If something doesn't work we can try something else.

-You- come first. How your day is going, you can help improve it.

Our boundaries are for us. A gift to ourselves. Others may not like them, may complain that we didn't do them "right", oh well. We don't need to monitor their emotions and reactions.

You stood up for yourself. Good job.

[Everglade]

Many thanks for this thoughtful and helpful response. I will try not to obsess about him and focus on caring for myself for now.

[moglow]

Everglade, you feel how you feel and youve stated as such. You don't require his agreement or any kind of further discussion and personally I'd discourage it if he tried. It's not a debate - You're entitled to your own opinion and feelings, and really so is he. It's unfortunate he felt the need to force it that way, but as you said, he does this. It's hard when someone runs roughshod over us, harder when it's so uncalled for.

Give yourself a break and remember that no one else is responsible for you, but you. Try and not let his (or anyone else's!) stuff wreck you or make you doubt yourself. You deserve better.

When all else fails, take some good deep breaths and a hard walk to clear your mind.

[Everglade]

Thank you, I truly appreciate your words of kindness and wisdom.

[goodgirl]

Just adding to the chorus: to someone not in the know, your email might seem like an overreaction. But you know you're responding not just to this one incident but a lifetime of similar incidents where he has undermined your likes, your choices, your decisions. Each one is a single drop, but together they form a raging waterfall.

This is the story with my brother, too.

Good for you for standing up for yourself.

[nanotech]

I agree with everyone else. Well done for placing that much needed boundary. It can feel very 'shameful' and scary at first.  That's just the old conditioning. The first boundary is always the hardest one.
Don't worry about a response. Carry on your life as you were doing before this happened. 👏

[LemonLime]

Everglade, your brother sounds kind of like my sister.  She has always lectured me in a sanctimonious manner, since we were kids.  She always thinks she knows better....about pretty much everything.  I made the mistake of not ever calling her out on it, because I tend to be a flexible person, and non-confrontational.  But that emboldened her, I see now.   She crossed a threshold with me a few years ago, raging at me about a perceived slight.  She felt I did not do my share of dishes on a vacation.   She raged in front of my whole FOO and my child.  I set a clear boundary with her that she could never do that again.
She has sneered at me since, never addressing the issue.  She has lovebombed me, and when that didn't work she sent me an email screed.  A "written rage" if you will.
They feel it is their right.  They are entitled (interestingly my sib in her rage accused me of being entitled).   Projection I guess.
We likely will now never really have a relationship again.
I'm glad your sib is getting therapy.   It gives me hope he will improve.
I've come to see that if my sib feels out of control of herself, she must control others.  It's sad.  But I won't be controlled, and I won't allow her to rage at me in front of my child, or anytime for that matter.   My child will see that I stand up for what I believe in.
Like you, I often have had a "delayed" response....I tend to freeze and fawn.  Now, I try to recognize when something feels off and I'm not liking the direction of a conversation.   I give myself permission to step away from the conversation very very early, when I first notice something amiss.   I no longer wait to see if things will improve.  I no longer try to give people the benefit of the doubt.   I no longer wait at all......I act.   I remove myself from the situation.
It's the first step in trying to break the freeze/fawn cycle that I've been in all my life.
In my defense, I never learned another way to handle these rages.....nobody ever told me that I didn't have to put up with it.
Keep going.  You're doing great.