Surviving the ups and downs

[Kitbit]

I'm seeking advice on surviving the ups and downs of life with the npd. I am experiencing intensifying periods of emotional abuse. This mainly comes about from them verbally, through the words chosen and the tone in which they are delivered, with little to no provocation. I am trying to extricate myself from the interactions as quickly and as smoothly as possible, using mc. However it is a Jekyll and Hyde situation, and I find myself missing the good times - where I don't even have to worry about walking on eggshells. Admittedly, I avoid known triggers in general - but things can be workable and even enjoyable for long periods of time. Any advice from seasoned veterans of this type of situation? It sure is a lonely journey. I find that other friends are not able to be there with me through this, or are judgmental. I do think I will reach out to a counsellor for additional support but I welcome perspectives from those who have been there.

[SonofThunder]

How does one develop indifference? Time is a big help. The longer time I spent learning about PD, watching videos and reading on this forum, the more clear I became on my situation. The more clearly you can see that the PD in your life is sick, they are the problem, and they will never change...once you see that, it becomes easier to be indifferent to their actions.

Also working on yourself is extremely powerful. Do lots of journaling. Talk to a therapist. Heal your own wounds.

Fully agree with user's advice.  user was very thorough in implementing the toolbox, simultaneously soaking up PD education from a variety of resources, and studying his PD interactions (past and present). Using his example, a person must have steady developing skills and experience in both toolbox implementation and growing education to be able to mindfully understand and analyze PD experiences in the "ups and downs of life" with a PD, and grow 'indifference'.

Kitbit, if you have been to the ocean, think about the dangerous hidden rip currents that can occur, and the educational signage at the beach on the procedures if a swimmer is suddenly caught in one. For someone uneducated, they may actually perish in panic-mode in a rip current as they fight a more powerful force.  For an educated person, their first rip will be very scary indeed, but they may recall the signage education and follow procedure and survive yet very tired. For the educated and previously experienced, they may more calmly follow that proper procedure and get out of the rip and back on the beach once again with energy to spare. For the even more experienced, they will probably avoid rips altogether and sacrifice some swim-time. 

What user mentions is an exercise I call 'living my daydreams'. Once I was comfortable with implementation of the toolbox skills and able to better shorten/avoid the frequency, duration and amplitude of some of my PD experiences, 'living my daydreams' was a brainstorm process I did to reorganize and live my life in situationally available ways. Doing so bred hope, focused my time on things that mattered to me and gave me experiences of joy, even during my living with my uPDw, and helped me to plan my future.

Circling back around, I believe user's advice to you is sound. Wish there was a short term trick to suggest, but as user stated, PD education, PD experiences that are understood using the education, self-work over time and strengthening indifference is key to your question. 

SoT

[Kitbit]

Thank you for this suggestion about indifference. It is helping me because while things like mc are an external strategy, indifference is about the inner work. I find there is so much about PDs that one can become educated about, and this information has been life-changing and extraordinarily helpful and validating. But there seems to be less on the codependent's inner work to be done. I have found some about this, but I'm especially interested in becoming empowered myself.  I like the idea of the daydreaming as well - it is like a pattern interrupt for us - to focus on better possibilities. Thanks so much!!!

[1footouttadefog]

If a stranger came up to you in public and said the same things about you that your pd partner says they would likely not hurt or would far less so.

It's because you give value to the pd partners words.

Disconnecting emotionally helps with this.  While not a relationship builder in general it can work to manage or readjust a difficult relationship and make it less painful.