Healing and Moving on

[Findingme1991]

It's been about a year and a half since my narcissistic ex did a hard discard and left me for his mistress. Since then, I'm doing ok. I'm back in school and in a new relationship. Pretty stable.  The only thing left of our relationship is he drained me financially during the divorce and now he wont get the house out of my name. So my credit is tied up and I cant buy anything or use my credit for anything. He's still with his mistress, they still continue to devalue me with my children every chance they get. They "cant afford" to get the house out of my name right now but she's getting her hair done, buying all these new craft supplies, quit her job, going back to school to be a nurse and he just bought her a new vehicle for her birthday. All these things have happened recently. I was doing so well with healing but since yesterday I have been so angry and hurt. I was so caught up in my emotion that I couldn't enjoy my sons football game and didn't pay attention to those around me that love me. I was just hyperfocused on them. I've been quite literally obsessed with this woman who took my place but is so mean to me. I've tried to extend an olive branch multiple times and she hurls angry words back at me about how poorly I treated him and how I'm nothing. I'm trying so hard to cope with those feelings. I don't understand why I was doing so well for so long and the past two days have been a breakdown. I dont want him back. I'm just angry. I'm angry that after 17 years he's messed my head up so bad that I question even my own thoughts. I'm angry that I cant control my emotions and I'm angry that he's keeping me tied to him. I had to force EVERYTHING about our separation and divorce because while he refuses to coparent and makes it obvious that I'm a ghost to him... he wont do ANYTHING to untie us legally and financially. I've had to force it all and will likely have to take him back for contempt of court to force the refinance of the house or sell of the house. A couple of things I'd like to know from anyone who has experience... #1 is it common for a narcissist to just throw you away like this? After years of stalking and leading me on and separating and getting back together.. I just can't wrap my brain around how he just acts like I dont exist and he's fine. #2 Any tips for coping with those emotions? Nothing seems to help. I've meditated, exercised, slept for hours on end, rested, I'm currently back in schoool trying to just work on me... nothing helps. #3 I've read some articles that being obsessed with the other woman is pretty common but I can't find any tips for stopping the behavior. I'm driving myself crazy.

I have this whole life to be grateful for and I KNOW I'm mostly free now but I can't get that last tie undone and until I come up with lawyer money I'm kind of stuck. I'm frustrated and I just want to enjoy life again and be happy.

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

These are some of my thoughts based on my own experiences -

The PD's drag on the divorce because it keeps them in control, they love the chaos, and any drip of supply they get from us is fabulous.  So, you probably will have to go to court to force a refinance/selling of the house.  It's easy for me to say, but then this gives you some control. 

#1 - same thing happened to me.  But the discard was a little weird in my situation.  It happened slowly and then when I asked for the divorce - BAM!  I was zero to him - nothing.  20 years of a marriage and I meant nothing.  We even had to live together for months before we sold the house - and I had to GR and NC like you wouldn't believe to get him to agreed to sell it.  Pure hell.  Part of me can't understand all this either - how can you do this to someone you were married to, had a child with?  Well, the PD can because that's how they are wired.  He didn't love me, because he can't.  What I thought we had was all an illusion.

#2 - I guess, time?  I am finding that I am very emotionally deregulated.  And, this is from the trauma of living with my STBXuNPD.  I really have to question myself a lot - work situations / friends/ etc... because I am too quick to react and I tend to see things in an all or nothing scenario.  There's therapy (think about what kind would work for you) to try?  It's a struggle, but just keep trying.  For me, learning about narcissism has helped me let go of some of my anger.  It took me 6 months of almost daily crying and struggles to begin to let go.

#3 - My thoughts here would be are you imagining in your mind that their relationship is perfect and easy?  It may look it because it's superficial - it'll blow up and probably 10x more than yours did.  They maybe in the love bombing stage, but this doesn't last forever.  At one point, he's going to look elsewhere for a supply and move on to the next - maybe a few months?  years?  but it'll happen.

Regarding the house, my suggestion would be to find out how much the lawyer would cost, and try and borrow it?  Would you be able to sue for the legal fees?  From your post I'm unsure if you are entitled to any $$ from the house - if so, I'm sure a lawyer would accept future payment? 

I would use the tools - GR and NC as much as you can.  I share a  son with my STBX; he's going to turn 18 soon.  Our divorce should be finalized very soon -    We were looking at colleges last week, and for a second I thought about texting his dad about it.  NO!! Why - because even the most neutral exchange can turn ugly and then he gets supply.  So, I have to be aware that he is a narcissist first.  That's how I handle it. 

[Kat54]

My thoughts. Obviously he feeds this other woman with his whoa as me story about how horrible you are and she's in the throws of being wrapped up in him so she can't see it... yet. But she will eventually.

The house, you will have to get him back to court unfortunately and it's all about control for him.  And definitely chaos. He would say he sent things and wait wait for months and then he didn't. Lies, lies, lies. My ex held up our divorce by ignoring requests for discovery and eventually he had to pay me some legal fees because of that. 

The discard, mine was heart breaking. When we separated, we did briefly go to counseling but after a few weeks he said the therapist was crazy. She wanted to see us separately as she could clearly see I had no voice.
He didn't exactly discard me but he just said well if this is what you want, I'm not changing so guess I can't do anything about it. And after 24 years that was that.  Never once asked or wanted to talk about to working things out.  It was a discard and he was a victim.

Even two years out post divorce my emotions are like a roller coaster. Being on my own is hard as a single home owner and he sees our kids way more than I do as I left the state an hour away.

So give your self time is all I can say and maybe therapy. I keep thinking of going back to therapy but have not done so yet. I did go during my divorce. Divorce itself is traumatic but with a narcissist it's very traumatizing.
Good luck to you.