I am a narcissist and need help

[Pleasehelpme]

Hello all. I am a terrible person. I have lived my whole life thinking that I was better than everyone and that in arguments I pretty much always was right. I've been incredibly negative and without even meaning to I think have brought people down. I have been very very ego centric in my world view. I have been emotionally numb most of my life. I was in a relationship with a beautiful woman who was to be my wife.

We had a lot of problems. She would hit me and scream at me and put me down. She was a victim of many traumas. I always thought I was not the problem. About a week ago, 3 separate friends independently told me I was wrong and not a good person. I had to accept what they were saying, as before when just one person would tell me that I always assumed they were just...wrong. But 3 people...is hard to argue with. I looked around and saw how horrible I really was. In every instance where there was a fight I saw how I had mishandled things. Every time there was an occasion to be supportive or uplifting, I almost always failed. I wished then to be better and have been trying to be. T

he thing that brought me here is that I cheated on my fiancé. I did so for stupid reasons; a woman propositioned me and I being weak and stupid...and not I now see being able to properly even feel, accepted.  My fiancé found out several days after I was trying to fix myself (I had tried to end things with this affair earlier but didn't do a proper job of it). She found out because the woman I had an affair with told her. Somehow the pain and shock of losing my fiancé has broken down walls inside me and I find myself seeing my history and life with feelings in the mix...and it is agony. I have lost all of my friends, have no family, and have come to realize I do not want to live without my fiancé.

My reason for posting this is to just hear peoples thoughts. I was a monster (highly manipulative, I now know guily of gaslighting, emotional abuse, I cheated on my my fiancé and lied to her in several close call situations, I made her feel unreasonable and had her question herself...). I felt almost nothing in the past and didn't see how much of what I was doing was even wrong. I now do simply by accepting things I had been told. I hate myself. Can I redeem myself? Is it possible? Does anyone know a narcissist who went from being horrible to being good? Is there any hope of my being able to earn my fiancé's trust again?

[square]

Hi,

Whatever the situation is, I'm sorry you're having a hard time.

Thr three friends who told you some pretty hard things about you, were they your friends, her friends, or both (couple friends)?

Woud you be willing to share what they said, and if you are, try not to catatastrophize it. For ecample, if one said "you can be pretty critical," try not to translate it into "you're a bad person."

That you cheated is obviously problematic. If you can work on yourself and not do it again, that would be beneficial to you.

Her hitting you is not okay. The only okay reason for her to hit is in self defense WHEN ESCAPE IS NOT POSSIBLE. Putting you down is also not okay. If she is receiving put downs from you and then giving them back, it is a natural human response, but not healthy, and you both would need to work on that, regardless of who started in.

What I'm seeing is that you are in a lot of pain from this loss of relationship. Regardless of whether you are a narcissist, or have another personality disorder, or neither one, the relationship you describe does not seem very healthy for either of you.

You may be prone to impulsive acts right now, due to your pain. I would urge you to try to wait on anything impulsive you want to do, whether contacting her, engaging in self harm, substances, or anything else. Just try to get through the day intact and things will become clearer. Hopefully sharing your thoughts here will help you with that.

[xredshoesx]

Hi Pleasehelpme and welcome to Out of the FOG -

Because you have identified yourself as someone who suffers from narcissism,  we want to make sure you're aware of a couple of things as you settle in.

Out of the FOG is a community dedicated to offering support and information to people who have a loved one or family member who suffers from a personality disorder. That doesn't necessarily exclude those who also have a PD from participating but the rule is we come here to discuss our relationship issues as they pertain to the other people in our lives with a PD, and not PD recovery issues as they pertain to the self. If you suffer from, or suspect you suffer from a personality disorder, we welcome your participation as long as the discussion still revolves around dealing with the loved ones in your life with a PD and not on your own recovery from a PD.   

Also, we'd like you to be aware that people at a site like this are often hurting a great deal.  They come here needing a safe place to vent about how they may have been hurt by the person in their life with a PD.  At times, these comments can be harsh. Reading them may trigger you, if you are not far enough along in your own recovery to let these comments pass without becoming upset or attempting to speak on behalf of others with personality disorders.

Thanks for your understanding, and again Welcome to Out of the FOG.

[Empie2204]

...She found out because the woman I had an affair with told her. Somehow the pain and shock of losing my fiancé has broken down walls inside me and I find myself seeing my history and life with feelings in the mix...and it is agony. I have lost all of my friends, have no family, and have come to realize I do not want to live without my fiancé.

Hi Pleasehelpme,
I am sorry for the situation you are in. At the same time try to see it as an opportunity for your personal evaluation, being a narcissist or not.
It seems that you are doing some introspection for the first time in your life. Stay tuned as long as you can and it will show whether you are a narcissist or not.
Think about the parts of your sentences I highlighted.
What is the problem in your cheating: the fact your fiance knows about it or cheating itself?
You mention the shock of losing her and not wanting to live without her.

Harsh as it may seem, it´s all about you and your loss. What about her?

If you think of redemption, I think a start would be total honesty and giving your fiance freedom to decide.
The worst thing would be to seek an instant solution, get her back, and then play the old song again. 

[Free2Bme]

Pleasehelpme,

As I understand it, there is a difference between a person with a disorder and a person with traits, not every person with traits is disordered.  If one has dysfunctional/destructive traits and recognizes them for what they are, has sincere remorse, and takes steps to make change then healing and growth are possible. 

It may be that you will lose relationships because of things that have happened.  It is not hopeless.  We all have to ask for forgiveness, and we must try to forgive ourselves and rebuild.

If there are things you know you need to change, begin to work on it.  Then you won't repeat these behaviors.  Speak with a T to get some objective feedback about traits that are causing difficulties with relationships.  It can be very freeing and empowering once we take steps in the right direction.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

    I don't know if it's possible that you grew up in a family with a pwPD.  Many of us did.  We can come out of that with "fleas," learned behaviors and attitudes which are traits that can be worked on much more easily than a full-on PD.  I have found it immensely helpful to work with a therapist who is knowledgeable about PD's.  It's helped me understand my own patterns, how they came about, and how to work on them.