BPD Mother in hospital - angry family wants me to "deal with it"

[A day in September]

Hi everyone,

Yesterday I received a phone call from my cousin. My BPD mother - from whom I have been NC for almost two years - is in hospital. She had already been hospitalised last month and probably had been released too early. She suffers from Bipolar disorder with manic phases, although now they're also testing her to see if there isn't some other physical illness as she seems worse than usual.

My cousin was extremely angry with me. We used to have a great relationship but things became a bit weird after my decision to go no contact. Still, we kept a fairly good relationship, every now and then sending each other pictures of our kids, the occasional call, etc. When we spoke last time I told him I was sorry that I wasn't calling him very often but that considering the situation with my mom I thought he might not enjoy hearing from me (as he is in touch with her). He said that wasn't the case at all, even apologised for not calling me more often himself.

Well, his tone changed a lot yesterday. He said that his father (my mum's brother) is getting sick himself for having to look after her, when she really is my responsibility, not theirs. That I need to stop being "angry with the world" and just deal with it. That the way I'm behaving is unacceptable.

In the past I thought that something like this would happen, as she regularly has crisis, but unfortunately yesterday I didn't react as I thought I would, after almost 3 years in therapy and a lot of work done on myself. I lost my cool. I cried. I even shouted at him at one point because he wasn't letting me reply to anything he said (I think his remark of me being angry with the world came from this). I was also having extreme difficulty to speak, I was chocking on my words and my mouth was very dry the whole time.

What really set me off though is that at the end he said in a snarky tone "let me tell you something - even if I'm probably wrong as I have a small brain and I don't understand these things - what does it cost you to send your own mother a picture of your son every now and again, or pick up the phone and check on her?". This hurt me more than anything else, I think because it proved to me that he really did never understand my point of being no contact - which was to save myself from an abusive relationship that was making me very very sick, and compromising my ability to be a good mother/wife for my family.

Unfortunately I hung up on him after he made that comment - when I should have just said to him, calmly "Yes, you don't have a small brain but you're right to say that you don't understand the situation".

For the rest of the day and night I was a mess: I have a people-pleasing personality, and I'm working on it during therapy, but this call seems to have erased all the work done. The guilt is almost unbearable. I feel extremely sorry for my mother, and can't stop thinking about her... The emotional side of me is considering breaking no contact. The rational side thinks it could be very dangerous. She is not the type of person that would be satisfied with "a picture and a call every once in a while". She would probably have extra bitterness and resentment because of the period of NC.

I also have a lot of affection for my uncle and aunt and I don't want them to suffer from this situation. Despite being incredibly hurt from my cousin's words I do see their point of view too. I can see that they are not able to understand the complexity of the disfunction and how they could tolerate my decision while my mother was doing OK but not anymore, not now that she needs help.

My husband thinks that the best step here is to figure out if it's possible to nominate someone as her "guardian" that can make decisions on her behalf when she not able to do so herself. Between crisis there are usually a few years in which she wouldn't need any help, or very little: my cousin seems to think that this crisis is worse but it's also the first one that he's witnessed from up close, since it was usually my father and myself who dealt with them (my father passed away three years ago).

Can anyone share their experiences on this subject? Did you manage to stay no contact, even when the person is incapacitated? How did you keep the guilt at bay? And, from a practical point, did anyone have to find a person that is legally responsible for their parent's in time of need and how did they go about it? I know that the laws are different from country to country but just reading of how other people managed to get through this nightmare of a situation would help me immensely.

Thanks so much in advance.

[HaplessRussell]

So sorry it's making you feel so stressed, September.

I empathise because although I'm an only child, I'm being leaned on currently by all kinds of random people to "look after her" and carry out personal care for her (and when I say random, as I said else-thread, she is giving my number out as *her* contact info now  )
I don't know if you're in the UK as I am, but if she has been assessed as having full mental capacity, not only do you have no obligation to be involved with her care but also really you have no moral right - if she's assessed  as able to make her own decisions, they're her decisions to make, right? And I'm guessing you and I both know that whatever you do for her won't be right, or won't be enough, so you couldn't win anyway.

I was grumbling yesterday about being sucked in by professionals to being involved in my mother's care package - and I appreciate that they have a job to do, and their interests are in seeing her discharged into the community ASAP, and they only see the lovely side of her - because my instinct, if you like, is that I want to ring her care providers and say - take me off your contact list, and this is why". With hindsight I'm not going to do that, I'm not going to lower myself into airing my unwashed linen in public tempting though it is. As wiser heads than mine said yesterday, if anyone asks direct to take over care for her, I shall just say no, that's not possible. No, I can't. (In my case, I'm a demon for "No, that's not appropriate" because I have a little boy and it most certainly is not appropriate for him to be exposed to some of her behaviour.)

Astonishingly, one of her tame flying monkeys is on holiday in the West Country currently having arranged to come down and see her and booked a holiday here 12 months ago. She's now decided she doesn't want to see this person because "they just want money" and "they might have stolen my keys". I spoke to the person - who's always been like your cousin, straight down the line "but she's your mother, you can't just leave her" and a classic enabler. Person is now saying they have concerns about her mental health, and "I never realised when we were kids together", and "this must have been what it was like for you all the time as a child and now you're having to deal with it all over again, that's not fair".
Sooner or later, they expose themselves from what they really are. So I feel your pain, and I'm hanging in there right alongside you.

[Call Me Cordelia]

I haven't been in anything mike this situation, but I have been NC with my parents for a similar amount of time as you have. I don't think you're wrong to have hung up on your cousin. He was way out of line. He doesn't just want you to check up on her and send a photo every now and again. He said himself wants you to take responsibility for her, and take it off him and his parents. Your mother is not your responsibility, and he is laying on the guilt trip soooo thick. Even the "small brain" comment is very manipulative. He and his parents don't have to be responsible for her either. They have the same option to detach that you do.

[illogical]

I haven't been in anything mike this situation, but I have been NC with my parents for a similar amount of time as you have. I don't think you're wrong to have hung up on your cousin. He was way out of line. He doesn't just want you to check up on her and send a photo every now and again. He said himself wants you to take responsibility for her, and take it off him and his parents. Your mother is not your responsibility, and he is laying on the guilt trip soooo thick. Even the "small brain" comment is very manipulative. He and his parents don't have to be responsible for her either. They have the same option to detach that you do.

 

Your cousin has some kind of nerve to judge you like that.  My NM was in an ALF (Assisted Living Facility) when I decided to detach and go VLC, then NC.  My FM cousins (who live several states away) took it upon themselves to hold me responsible for her care.  One cousin "grilled" me over the phone, asking "What have you done with her?"  as if I had kidnapped her or something.     I told him that as far as I knew, she was perfectly okay.  He hung up on me in a huff.  I strongly suspect he had already been in touch with a FM friend of NM's, as well as my GC brother (who also lived several states away).  I think this cousin had been sent either by the FM friend or GC brother to investigate why I was NC with NM and also to try to intimidate me into once again taking responsibility for her, so they could do less.  Which, as Call Me Cordelia pointed out, was their choice-- I mean it was their choice how much they engaged with NM and their choice how much caregiving they offered. 

Please don't allow anyone to guilt you or intimidate you into caring for your mother.  They haven't walked in your shoes. 

[A day in September]

Thank you all so much for your replies and empathy, such a huge help!

Russel - What makes my mother's situation hard to tackle is that she is mostly able to look after herself, but when she is going through a manic phase (due to her Bipolar) she is not. These episodes usually happen once every four to five years and last one to two months. My cousin thinks that this episode is worse although I don't know if he's right - she was very sick in 2014 but he wasn't there to witness the real ugly stuff. I remember his mother saying at the time - when my mum was starting to act loopy - that me and my father needed to take her to the hospital where they give her the "cure of sleep" - she made it sound like a fancy retreat! They clearly hadn't been in a psychiatric ward before or hadn't seen her in the first days after admission... this time around must have been a shock for them.

I had a look online and it looks like in my country I must do something about it, or I am liable for abandoning an incapacitated person (and risk jail time). I know this is also the decent thing to do, I'm just scared out of my mind that this would entail going back in contact, as I know this won't be healthy for me or for my FOC. I am hoping that we can appoint a person (outside the family since clearly no-one in the family wants to do it) to make decisions on her behalf when she is not well...  This will likely entail to meet with my aunt and uncle and cousin and I'm already stressed at the thought.

Cordelia - thanks for your empathy. Yes you're right my cousin doesn't just want me to send a photo, he wants me to relief them of the burden that my mother has become to them. I tried calling him back this morning, I wanted to apologise for hanging up on him yesterday, reiterate my no-contact position but also say that I want to do anything that I can to help them out, and find a solution - for example looking into a professional/guardian that can step in every time my mum is having one of her episodes. He didn't answer and he didn't call me back - that was more than 8hrs ago so I guess he doesn't want to talk to me...

Illogical - thank you! I am surprised at how fragile I still am when it comes to confronting people that don't understand my situation. I think I now deal well if it's people that don't know me very well (had a few FM myself, including my mother's dentist) but from family members that know me and have seen the pain I went through the years (even if from a safe distance) still hurts a lot. I think also I was shocked by his total lack of empathy - he didn't slow down or try to reword what he was saying when I started crying, he just went on and on till that comment about sending pics.

And of course all of this happens on the week my therapist is on holiday 

[WomanInterrupted]

Hi September - and welcome! 

Frankly, your cousin doesn't sound like a very nice person and I *wouldn't* apologize for hanging up on him.  What he said to you was mean, unnecessary and totally self-serving.   

Personally, I would NOT break NC - a lack of planning on another person's part is NOT an emergency on mine.

If your cousin calls again, I'd hit him with this:  "Do you often tell other adults what to do, or is it just me?"   

I saw that on another thread and fell in love with it  - and think it's the *perfect* thing to say.   

While he's thinking about what you said, I'd hang up and then *block* him.   

I'd block *anybody* trying to drag me back in.   

You wrote:

I had a look online and it looks like in my country I must do something about it,

Are you *sure*?  I'd wait until I got something *official* - in writing - and I'd take that correspondence to an attorney, to find out what *your* rights really are.   

You may be surprised - not everybody has somebody to do for them, and some that do have people are in situations like yours.  This is a lot more common than you think.

Just because a social worker or other "official" bawls something at you over the phone, like, "She is your mother and you are responsible for her!" - doesn't mean it's true.  Ask that person to *put it in writing* - and take it to a lawyer.   

But chances are, that letter will never come - especially if your mom has capacity and is *competent.*

In the US, if you're competent, you can make all the lousy decisions you want - and nobody can FORCE that person to do a thing.

It's probably the same in your country, too - you can't *compel* another adult to do something they don't want to do.  If your mom is released and refuses to take her meds, and continues the way she's been going, there's really nothing anybody can do about it until she fails a competency test.

And everybody just has to be okay with that.  Your country's equivalent of Social Services may step in to keep an eye on her, but that's all they can really do, except call you and scream that you HAVE to do something - when that's just not possible.

Anybody calling to tell you to get involved, I'd stick with, "I'm afraid that's just not possible.  Goodbye." - and block that number.   

Your cousin *wants* you to feel like a frightened child, who MUST obey  - he's wrong.  If he's so concerned about your mom, HE can take point on your mom and leave you out of it, while you just start blocking numbers like  crazy, knowing you're making the RIGHT decision for you and your FOC. 

[Psuedonym]

A day in September,

Wise words from WomanInterrupted. It sure does sound like your family is playing hot-potato with your mother. I don't know their relationship, but its entirely possible that your uncle is a co-dependent, bend over backwards to make peace type, and trying to deal with her is rightfully driving him nuts. He's probably either taking it out on your cousin or your cousin is sick of the toll it's taking, and he in turn is taking it out on you. In any case, what they're really saying is 'we don't want to deal with her anymore!' and apparently your cousin isn't above laying on the guilt and obligation to get out of the hell that is dealing with her.  I'm sure that's pushing your buttons, but hopefully it will give you some comfort to know that everybody here can see it for what it is.

Like everybody else said, don't break your NC out of guilt. You have nothing to feel guilty about

[illogical]

I totally agree with what WI said about running this by a lawyer.  Online legal help is very limited in scope.  This is a life-changing situation.  I would definitely run it by a lawyer.  Money well-spent.  What if, several years down the road, you found out you didn't have to do what you thought, i.e., care for her?  Years wasted.

I would make damn sure what my legal rights were here.  I'm not an attorney, but the laws you described may very well pertain to people who have "signed on" or demonstrated that they are caregivers-- not just coming by that by blood.

Don't take my word for it, or anyone else's.  Get it squared by an attorney who specializes in elder-care law.  Take care!

[Kiki81]

For your cousin and your uncle, it's time to play hardball. They want you back firmly in your family role as Your Mother's Keeper Minder/Slave/Punching Bag.

Because if you DON'T get back in line, then the focus swivels on to them to fill those roles for her.

And your cousin told you, they don't want that.

The hardball is, they are going to say and do what it takes to get you in an emotional and fragile state SO YOU CAN BE CONTROLLED.

Your job here is not to take that bait.

Example: Anyone mentioning YOUR SON gets hung up, walked away from, etc. You have a Zero Tolerance Policy when it comes to dragging your son into this and that includes visits, pics, stories/anecdotes/ information about him.

Your job in life is to take care of yourself, your spouse, your children.

Your mother is not your burden to carry. She is society's burden to carry because she is mentally ill and you aren't the solution to that.

You're going to have to be ROCK SOLID with your cousin and uncle and whatever flying monkeys they send you. It's up to YOU now.

[A day in September]

Thank you all for the great advise, I will get in touch with a lawyer to understand what my duties and rights are. I am feeling a bit more positive now although still recovering from the experience (and despite everything worried about my mother who is still in hospital) ... I never thought my cousin would talk to me (or to anyone else really) like that, I only knew him as a level headed and gentle guy, seeing this side of him shocked me. Also shocking, seeing how the guilt - that I thought was finally under control - comes back in waves the moment someone belittles my painful experience and my choices like that.

I managed to speak to my therapist yesterday and she said that she is surprised that she can hardly see any anger in me... she thinks it has to do with the "people pleasing" way I'm wired and that it's so hurtful for me to be talked at like that, that the pain sort of covers all the other emotions. She thinks I should dig a bit deeper and find that element of anger as it can be useful in this circumstance to defend myself...

[WomanInterrupted]

Your T is right - anger is a GREAT tool to harness, when it comes to self-protection!   

Anger isn't always a negative emotion.  It can be a force for positive change:  "No, you DON'T get to talk to me like that!" "Who the hell do you think you are!?"  "Who died and made you God?"   

The *worst* thing unBPD  Didi did to me was  make me *angry* with yet another of her wailfests about being helpless, alone, bored, and so siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiick..." - while *alienating everyone and REFUSING to follow her doctor's orders.*   

It was *my* responsibility to make her well - I'm not a doctor.  I've been something of a holistic practitioner, without any sort of license or degree, for my FOC (DH, me, our pets) for 30+ years, and I'm pretty good at it, but *the holistic  cure doesn't work if it sits in a bottle, on the shelf, because unBPD Didi (my alleged "mother") didn't want any of her health issues addressed!*   

Or might have been *lying* for attention - again!   

I started to see this sham for what it was - yes, I'm also a people-pleaser, but I don't like being *lied to, taken advantage of, taken for granted, and treated like this is my JOB.* 

So...I got good and angry and boundaries are *really easy* when you're angry.   

You're not mean or rude - Medium Chill flows a lot more readily from the tongue when you're angry. 

"I can't do that."  "It's not possible."  "If you need help, I'm sure you'll figure out something."   

Was there anything nasty about any of that? 

No - but Didi reacted like I'd slapped her in the face. 

Your cousin acted like a complete  jackass  - and exposed his soft underbelly:  they want all the cash and prizes, but want YOU to do the work, and will probably armchair-quarterback you half to death from a distance, and let you know that everything you're doing is WRONG - or too slow!  Too costly!  You don't need help - you're just LAZY!  And she is your mother - you spend your OWN money on her! 

Did that make you angry?  That's  the future I think they have planned for you - and it's not something I'd wish on *anybody.*   

I'd say to block your cousin *now* - or you could wait and see if he calls you again, and pisses you off enough to say, "Well, OBVIOUSLY I'm malfunctioning and maybe my brain is small, so YOU'RE the one who should handle everything with my mom.  Peace out!" - and BLOCK!   

Yeah...that was rather sharp and nasty, but you know - sometimes people deserve it, when they're presumptuous, rude, and acting like boneheads.   

I *love* what Kiki recommends - play HARDBALL. 

I had to do that with both unBPD  Didi and unNPD Ray - and the *four rounds* of social workers who thought I had nothing better to do than be Ray's *slave* - I was nice, but FIRM.  NO.   

I went through hell with Didi and her constant bleats for attention - always, "I can't do that" or "I'll see what I can do, but it's not looking promising..." while fuming obscenities after I got off the phone - and avoided about 20 fake  caaaaaaaaaancer scares, and the one that was real, Didi being sent to a Hospice facility and *finally* - mercifully - dying.

I didn't go to the wake or funeral.   I was *relieved.*

That's when Ray popped up - and I was ready for him.  I'd already had my Trial By Fire, and thanks to my anger, my boundaries were firm:  NO! 

You are fighting for your life  - not your physical existence - but everything you know and love.  Your cousin wants you to turn it on its ear and make it a  living hell of non-stop drudgery and criticism, where you are so emotionally drained, you can't even smile at your son, because you're so burned out and feel like, "She's never going to die...this is never going to end!"   

You never want to get to that point - and I want you to  take a good look around you.   

Your son.  Your DH.   The lives you've built - and the home you share together.   

THAT is what you are fighting for.   

Please remember to smile at that woman in the mirror, when brushing your teeth - SHE is worth fighting for, too!   

Let your sense of, "How freaking DARE you!?" kick in, see a lawyer, become CLEAR in what your rights and responsibilities are, and with a little luck, the next time your cousin calls to wail about your alleged misdeeds, he'll be blocked, or you'll give him a VERY well-deserved round of what-for  - or Medium Chill.  Whichever is your style.   

[qcdlvl]

Sometimes filial responsibility laws apply only to financial matters - a carehome could sue the offspring for unpaid bills, but they can't be prosecuted for not personally being caregivers. Also, abandonment laws may apply only to people who are already caregivers - they cannot just walk away without leaving a replacement caregiver in place, but there may be no penalty for someone who isn't a caregiver for not stepping in. There may also be precedents of valid legal defenses against this type of law in case of abuse or neglect by the parent, or if your own health would suffer, if you're already caring for a child, if you don't do it because you're not a qualified psychiatric nurse and are therefore unqualified to give her the care she needs, etc. Finally, not all laws get enforced. These are the sort of things a good lawyer would advice you about, how to protect yourself from any legal exposure. I'm sorry you're going through this, but it's best to be prepared.

[TriedTooHard]

The way your cousin treated you reminded me so much of how my uNPDm used to treat me on the phone, before I realized she is uNPD.  The phone was a convenient way for her to do her damage - she thrived on knowing it would be brief - one of us would hang up once she got me good and flustered.  She would have herself a good laugh and sneer before the hang up happened.  It didn't matter to her if I hung up first, she got what she wanted for the time being.

It makes sense what your T said about the people pleasing.  No matter how horrible uNPDm implied I was, I somehow turned out to be a people pleaser.  Unfortunately, all the people pleasing in the world won't cure our mothers.

Please keep us updated on what you learn about your legal rights and responsibilities.

[A day in September]

You are fighting for your life  - not your physical existence - but everything you know and love.  Your cousin wants you to turn it on its ear and make it a  living hell of non-stop drudgery and criticism, where you are so emotionally drained, you can't even smile at your son, because you're so burned out and feel like, "She's never going to die...this is never going to end!"   

You never want to get to that point - and I want you to  take a good look around you.   

Your son.  Your DH.   The lives you've built - and the home you share together.   

THAT is what you are fighting for.   

I think I will print this out WI - it gives me so much strength every time I read it... THANK YOU!!!

Before NC I was feeling exactly as you described: I couldn't see a way out, my future looked so dark. I was fantasising about what I would do when she finally passed away, the trips we would go on with my husband, finally feeling free from such a burden. But then I would get depressed thinking that it might take another 20 years 

I don't want to go back there... how I feel at the moment is difficult enough, but I can still function (and hopefully it's very short term)/

I managed to talk to my cousin yesterday. I told him that even if they don't understand/support my decision I won't go back in contact with my mother. That I simply can't do that. I told him that I will speak to a lawyer to know what my rights and obligations are in this situation and see if there's an option to nominate a person external to the family to deal with her when there are periods like these. Looking back I think I was too polite with him during the phone call, I need to work on that and become a bit firmer. I still think I managed to say all the important things.

qcdlvl and TriedTooHard- thank you! I will keep you posted once I found out more.

TriedTooHard - I've read that there's a strong connection between BPD/N parents and people pleasing children: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/evolution-the-self/200807/parent-pleasing-people-pleasing-part-1-3

I need to work on it cause it's not healthy for me, and definitely a big obstacle in my NC journey.

xx

[A day in September]

Hey guys, a quick update... I spoke to a lawyer and what we're going to do is to put in motion a procedure that will eventually appoint a person (likely/hopefully external to my family) as my mother's legal guardian. It seems like a pretty straight forward procedure, the only issue is that we need her medical records (to prove that she suffers from bi-polar with manic episodes and that in these period of times she is unable to look after herself) and it seems that hospitals cannot give them to me without her authorisation... I hope that there's another way... there must be right? She's in complete denial of her mental issues and I'm sure she's not an isolated case, so surely there must be some alternative way for when the person that needs help is not cooperative... I'm trying saying this to myself cause I only found out about this problem yesterday afternoon, so I need to wait till Monday to talk to my lawyer and I'm a bit stressed, waiting is hard...