My story and looking for help with panic attacks from the cards that won't stop

[amazedbygrace]

Hello everyone,

I have not been active lately, but a lot has happened since I last posted.  Perhaps this should be two separate posts - my story as well as the current situation, but here it all is.  I just need to vent with people who understand.

I have not been active lately, but a lot has happened since I last posted.  My dear father passed away suddenly a year ago, and the grief process has been hard.  The uBPDM (with the help of my grandparents) did everything she could to destroy my chance to have a normal relationship with my father, and employed all of the tactics of parental alienation.  It was only in the last several years as I came Out of the FOG that I realized that my father (though he had his own issues), was not the monster she made him out to be.  She left him when I was young, and it was only recently that I discovered the truth about what transpired leading up to the divorce.  She divorced him because she felt she got married too young (18), and wanted to have fun dating other people.   She constantly compared me to my father, so I grew up being afraid of him and thinking that he was bad.  As a result, I was estranged from him for many years (low contact) until I found out the truth about what happened.  I am angry for the years I lost with my father because of her toxic manipulation, but am thankful that I was able to reconcile with him and enjoyed a few years of a good relationship with him before he passed.

Though he occasionally acted as a flying monkey for uBPDM (even though they were divorced... long story... ironically, he married another BPD, which is interesting...  ), and had asked him to not share information to/from her, I cut him some slack since he had some dementia and honestly think he had memory issues that prevented him from fully-understanding my wishes.  Sadly, it meant that I had to be guarded with what I shared with him, because I didn't want my personal life shared to the uBPDM.

I was the family scapegoat and endured abuse from her and family members until I escaped the house during college.  She allowed me and another childhood friend to be sexually assaulted by a family member when I was very young.  When confronted about it, she exploded that it wasn't true, that we were lying.  I started gaining a lot of weight from a very young age, and I believe it was a direct result of the molestation and parental abuse and neglect.

She was extremely emotionally abusive to me until I was able to move out of the house.  She allowed one of my siblings, who is bipolar and violent, to emotionally and physically abuse me without consequence, especially during middle school and high school, but continued into adult life.  He is now in prison for a violent felony, and although he will not be released for a long time, I'm terrified what he will do when he gets out.  He terrorized me and my siblings on a daily basis, and we all have emotional scars from his behavior and the uBPDM's abuse and neglect.

Someone mentioned growing up with their siblings as "feral cats," and I definitely relate to that.  When speaking to my closest brother with whom I have the closest relationship, we really felt like growing up in that house was "every man for himself," as we raised ourselves.  I was the scapegoat, and my sibling says that he was just ignored.  She was so into herself and dating and bringing men home that I and my siblings had to do what we could to survive.  She took me to get ugly dumpy clothing for school, which contributed greatly to my being bullied, while she purchased expensive outfits at the best department stores to look stylish for her dating life.  She never remarried because I think she is incapable of having a real loving relationship with anyone.

Did we have a roof over our heads and food on the table?  Yes, but that was it.  We had as much care as one would give a goldfish.  No emotional support, no love - at least not for me.  At 11 years old, I became responsible for the household - chores, cooking meals and watching my younger siblings while she worked or went on dates, which sometimes couldn't happen as I needed to lock myself in my bedroom to protect myself from my psycho brother, and then I got screamed at.  My youngest sibling, the GC, can do no wrong, and he received all of the praise and attention.  My sibling that I'm closest to and I threw ourselves into excelling at school.  For me, it was to receive the praise of my teachers, since I was desperate that someone care about me.  I believe many of my teachers gave me extra support because they could tell that something was going on at home.  It paid off, because my grades earned me a full college scholarship and a way out of the madness.  Today, CPS probably would have been called on her, but back then, my teachers did what they could.

In desperation, when I sought therapy after high school, she hit the roof.  She would not pay for therapy or let me use the family car to go to sessions.  When I would return from therapy sessions, she would attack me and grill me about whether I was talking about her (well, I was, but I wasn't going to tell her that!)  I was fortunate to find a therapist who took compassion on me and saw me on a sliding scale so that I could get help. 

I have been NC with uBPDM for almost 6 years now after things came to a head after a major family crisis for which she shares a great deal of the blame, namely the enabling of the violent sibling.  She came completely unglued after this event, and at that time, I decided that I had reached my limit of tolerating her years of abuse, neglect, suicide threats, and essentially being her human garbage can for all of her toxicity, as the family scapegoat.  When these issues were brought up as I was approaching no contact, she "didn't remember" or "didn't think things were that bad,"  and completely denied her role in alienating me from my father.  I have never received a real apology, only phrases like "*IF* I hurt you, I'm sorry."  No self-awareness, no real remorse, and refuses to take responsibility for what she has done.  I'm the one who is the problem, not her.  She has actually asked family members if I'm "better" yet, like this is all my problem, not hers.   

I have since been diagnosed with C-PTSD due to the abuse.  I have an excellent therapist, but am still deeply triggered by any thought of contact with her.  I have frequent nightmares where she comes to my house and I'm forced to hide because she won't leave.  uBPDM lives a fair distance from my home, so an in-person confrontation has not happened, but I am terrified that she will show up at my house to force me to engage with her.

My siblings (up until recently when I asked them to please respect my wishes and stop badgering me) do not understand why I can't "forgive and forget, because she's getting old."  This has resulted in one sibling (the GC) who will no longer talk to me, and very low contact with my one favorite brother.  Though I am sure she was also abused by her parents, especially my grandmother, who could be very toxic, that doesn't excuse what she did to me.  So, like many of you, the NC has resulted in the loss of my entire extended family, which is sad.

So here's what brings me here today:  I have her blocked on social media, my cell phone, and have filters on my email that go to a special folder.  The only thing I cannot block is regular mail.  Every Mother's Day, every birthday, every Christmas, she continues to send cards.  I thought that this year would be the first one since starting NC that I would be free... that I would not receive another triggering card, but here it is in today's mail.  Happy New Year.   

It was bad enough before, but the new development is that I believe she has figured out that the cards go directly into the trash without being read, so now her new tactic is to send post cards and greeting cards where she writes entire messages on the OUTSIDE of the envelope  , trying to force a response.  She has done this for the last several cards, which is both embarrassing and frustrating that she has ZERO respect for my wishes.  Fortunately, I have a loving husband who intercepts the cards, reads them for any crucial content and discards them.  However with the new USPS Informed Delivery, scans of the incoming mail are shown in the daily delivery email, which triggers the C-PTSD and sends me into a full-blown panic attack.

As a Christian, this whole situation has been very difficult and brings up a great deal of guilt and sadness, as well as resentment for what she did to me, as it really damaged me.  By the grace of God, I am healing and I feel that I have made strides to forgive her, but I cannot forget the abuse and feel that reconciliation is impossible as she is unwilling to repent or change.

Has anyone tried EMDR to desensitize from the radioactive effect of continued unwanted contact since she is clearly not going to give up? 

Though I have not been very active here, I sincerely appreciate the support of this group, which makes me feel not so alone in this.  Thank you. 

[Starboard Song]

It was bad enough before, but the new development is that I believe she has figured out that the cards go directly into the trash without being read, so now her new tactic is to send post cards and greeting cards where she writes entire messages on the OUTSIDE of the envelope  , trying to force a response. 

Has anyone tried EMDR to desensitize from the radioactive effect of continued unwanted contact since she is clearly not going to give up? 

Though I have not been very active here, I sincerely appreciate the support of this group, which makes me feel not so alone in this.  Thank you.

Bless your heart: I am so sorry you are going through this. We have a similar version: lots of unwanted mail, and large packages or envelopes designed to be unavoidable, all addressed to our DS, with whom my MIL hasn't had contact since our NC began over 4 years ago.

This is maddening. The continued forced contact feels exactly like that: forced contact. So I share your hurt and your anger and I understand. Kudos for having your husband intercept and destroy mail. That is great. I am sorry that for once the postal service has good technology, but it is making it worse for you.

I personally do not recommend EMDR, but I am a bit of a wet blanket for most such therapies and cannot say you won't feel better after trying it. I do encourage you to change something, but what? I believe you are continuing to argue with your mother or your conscience in your head. If she stopped sending mail, but you heard she was talking about you with your friends, you'd still be hurt and angry.

I believe the core of this problem is that we must not go NC as the most recent act in a battle, and still have our fists up. I believe that when we go NC we must be doing the opposite: putting our fists down and walking away. We walk away when we accept who they are, understand that they are angry, and probably hurt and suffering to boot, and we no longer care. We walk away because we accept we are powerless to fix them or to help them, and they are too reliably damaging to be trusted with our hearts.

I just suspect that the solution is an emotional-intellectual decision or observation, and not therapies like EMDR -- though bless you whatever works. Consider the resources in the top line of my sginature, and anything like them. Chief among them, Radical Acceptance is geared exactly for you. The goal here, I believe, is to know that your mother's angst and anger is her own, and not at all yours. And the past is over, and not a thing to be vigilant about today. With courage and generosity, you leave the anger behind, retaining the hard lessons but not perpetual vigilance. I wish you so much good strength on your journey, and welcome you back to our community.

Be good. Be strong.

[lifeonmyterms]

I'm so sorry. I know the dread of seeing that all too familiar handwriting in the Informed Delivery email. I've been lurking on the forum for a while after going NC with my uNPDM and the rest of my family. I'm posting for the first time because I did EMDR to help desensitize from the unwanted texts and packages and it helped a lot.

My mom still sends cards and gifts to my kids. I would start watching for them two weeks out from a holiday or birthday - wondering if she would include a passive (or outright) aggressive note for me or not. It made me miserable and moody. I did about 14 months of EMDR before I went NC and went back about a year later when I realized the packages were bothering me so much. It only took a couple of sessions this time.

My therapist explained it this way – it's like rewiring your brain. With the first round of EMDR we got a lot of it done, but we missed a few paths. For me, I still had some guilt about not responding to these messages  - that my inaction was somehow harming them or making me a bad Christian (hello interject from Mom). We did some EMDR sets to help clear the guilt as wells as some to desensitize and retrain my response to seeing them in the mail.

My mom sent a package for Christmas and then texted a few times to see if we got them. It wasn't as painful this time, and I got the boxes unwrapped and to the Goodwill in record time.

I don't know if it works this well for everyone, but if you have the resources, I think it's worth a try.

[amazedbygrace]

Thanks so much, Starboard Song; I appreciate your encouragement very much.  I will definitely check out the resources you mentioned, especially the Radical Acceptance book.  My therapist believes that exposure (reading the cards, listening to the voicemails, etc.) will help to desensitize me over time and reinforce the idea that she can no longer hurt me, reduce the panic attacks, but I cannot do it.  Listening to her voice and even seeing her handwriting sends me into full-blown panic, so I avoid it at all costs.  My therapist thought that EMDR might help me, but it seems contrary to the idea of being completely no-contact if I'm required to repeatedly expose myself to triggering events, but I think I will try it to see if it's something that will help. 

The goal here, I believe, is to know that your mother's angst and anger is her own, and not at all yours. And the past is over, and not a thing to be vigilant about today. With courage and generosity, you leave the anger behind, retaining the hard lessons but not perpetual vigilance.

Wow, words of wisdom and the outcome I pray for.  I do think because of the past abuse, that I'm definitely in a state of constant vigilance (it makes me think of Mad-Eye Moody...).  I keep thinking I'm making progress moving on with my life after almost six years of NC, then letters like this arrive and I'm like a terrified little girl again.  The rational part of me knows that she cannot actually hurt me any more; the emotional part of me still feels terror and danger.  I think that I have made a great deal of progress letting go of anger and resentment; it's the fear that is the hardest to release.

I do feel sorry for her, as I know her frantic writing all over the envelopes of the cards she sends is done in desperation, and it's very sad.  She cannot accept responsibility for her behavior, denies the past, shows no remorse, and refuses to get help.  So, for my health and safety, I know that I cannot have any contact with her.  I do pray that she gets help, because she is seriously mentally-ill, and hope that she can find peace.

I know that I'm called to forgive and believe God is working in my heart with regard to this, but also understand from many posts on this site that true forgiveness does not require reconciliation and having this person in my life. 

__________

Thank you to you as well, lifeonmyterms, for your kind words and sharing your experience with EMDR.  I believe I will try it to see if it will help me.  I have such a strong visceral reaction when I get mail from her (I haven't gotten a voicemail or email in a few years now) that I would love to have this not affect me so strongly. 

I'm really happy that this has helped you and it sounds like its been an effective treatment for you.  uBPDM and my siblings have accused me of being a "bad Christian" too due to my cutting off contact with her.  My siblings keep asking me when I'm going to forgive her and let go of the past.  The problem is that it's not just an issue of past abuse; it's a situation of ongoing abuse that I refuse to subject myself to, and they don't understand, even as they acknowledge that she is sick.

I have the name of the EMDR therapist that my counselor is recommending, but I haven't contacted them yet; mainly because I'm afraid of having to relive some of the traumatic experiences as part of the treatment.  I know that the process is not likely to be pleasant, but I think it's worth a try to help with the panic attacks and nightmares.

Thanks again to both of you for kind words of encouragement and making me feel welcome; I appreciate it very much!  <3

[MiniWheat]

Wow, I just want to say, what a brutal story, I am so sorry. Yes, very C-PTSD inducing. My understanding is that EMDR is clinically proven and effective, although scientists are still trying to figure out exactly *why* it works. It was discovered accidentally. I am lining up an EMDR therapist for myself.

I can't recommend "the body keeps the score" highly enough - it is an excellent book.

[candy]

I am so sorry for all that you've been through.

I can relate to trauma although in my individual experience it was not one of my PDs who caused mine. It was physical violence and sexual abuse through strangers that traumatized me. It happened in my teenager years and twenties, and EMDR did help me a lot in my early thirties. It helped with flashbacks and me ,,freezing" in the face of perceived dangerous or unsafe situations.

Apart from personal experiences I would like to emphasize that EMDR is scientifically tested and proven in the treatment of PTSD.
I don't know how much research you have done or are into. The following link is a good place to start

https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/emdr-taking-a-closer-look/

The second link is an interview with Dr. Francine Shapiro who developed EMDR. It has a lot of useful references and may help with what to expect:

https://consults.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/03/02/the-evidence-on-e-m-d-r/

I handle this world and my daily life with a scientific and ethically view. I am not a religious or spiritual person. I'd like to prepend this to the following bc I don't want to sound harsh or disrespectful to the thoughts shared here.

I think it is a honorable aim to think of ourselves having our fists down once we go NC. But I'd like to kindly remind that the reasons and situations that cause us to go NC are as manifold as our unique stories.

It may be that we tried everything to explain ourselves, tried to explain how they have hurt us and ask them to change. It may be that we just wanted them to validate our memories. ,,I did you wrong and I am sorry." - would that be too hard to confess? We finally realize we cannot change them and we walk away for good, like Starboard Song stated.

It may be that we just couldn't do it anymore. We were fed up with how we were treated and we left.
Maybe we couldn't take anymore abuse, whatever the type of it, and we put up NC as our defence to protect ourselves or our loved ones.

I think going NC is a hard and painful decision, whatever your reason may be. The fact that thinking of contact with your M is still giving you anxiety attacks sounds like this NC was the right decision for you in the first place.

There are PD family members in my own FOO and I have more toxic ones on the IL side. I am NC with NMIL and uNFIL since 1.5 years. So is DD. DH is VLC.

I can relate to the unwanted mail. We get cards and packages on the occasion of birthdays and holidays. Those are addressed to DH respectively our toddler DD. The cards are full of manipulation and toxic remarks. This holidays it was a minor disturbance to me. But it is a recurring reminder that NMIL and uNFIL are disrespectful of our boundaries. For my DH contact means guilt is tripped all over the place and he has a hard time fighting his feelings of obligation, fear and the internal need to fix and to help.

The messages your M is forcing upon you by writing on the outside of the envelopes is ongoing abuse IMO. No wonder that this is triggering.

Forgiveness, NC and C-PTSD are very different things. I don't believe anyone's trauma or anxiety will go away by making an intellectual-emotional decision. If your C-PTSD is triggered by the ongoing abuse of your M trying to get past your NC, I guess it is a good idea to a) get rid of the trigger (I understand that's what your NC is about) or b) to desensitize.

I admire that you are willing to forgive. For me, as mentioned above I am not a religious person, forgiveness is something that has to be asked for. Without the abuser asking for pardon and forgiveness I can only think of letting go of the hurt and the anger. Letting go is about my personal calm and peace of mind, I think, whereas forgiveness is about the other one as well. Please correct me if I don't get the concept of forgiveness right.

However, I would assume one can work on her PTSD AND progress in forgiveness respectively letting go. Those are parts of recovery which do not necessarily have to happen at the same pace.

How does this postal service work? I understand you receive the photos of your mail through email? Is there a way to not receive the photos? If your DH is scanning the post already, maybe you don't need this extra? Is it possible to cancel it? Can the USPS Informed Service go to a folder only your DH checks?

It sounds like your DH and t are an excellent support team to you. That is great!  I wish you strength on your path of recovery!