Guilt about no contact

[NarcKiddo]

The cost of staying at their level with them, is huge though. They are paying a price for their immaturity, despite that they will never see it that way. WE are also paying a price for their immaturity, and we had to pay it as children.

This. A thousand times this.

The whole of Trees's post hits the nail on the head but this paragraph stood out to me.

I am not NC. Part of what is helping me navigate my current decision to stay in contact and employ boundaries and protective strategies is my acceptance that this is what she is. Her bad treatment of me is not actually aimed at me, as such. I am not me as far as she is concerned. I am not a separate entity with my own thoughts and feelings and desires and foibles. I am supply and she is not interested in me unless I provide supply.

Her behaviour is not all my fault. That is a huge revelation for me.

[treesgrowslowly]

I am not NC. Part of what is helping me navigate my current decision to stay in contact and employ boundaries and protective strategies is my acceptance that this is what she is. Her bad treatment of me is not actually aimed at me, as such. I am not me as far as she is concerned. I am not a separate entity with my own thoughts and feelings and desires and foibles. I am supply and she is not interested in me unless I provide supply.

Her behaviour is not all my fault. That is a huge revelation for me.

Hi NarcKiddo,

I'm glad that what I shared helped. These revelations helped me too and continue to help me stay in recovery. Whether we are NC or not, you and I and others here, we are all working to give ourselves what we need, right?

Then as an adult I figured out that her bad moods were not my fault. That was helpful for me. Knowing that her good moods where not my doing either - that was harder to understand.

As children we had only child-like understandings of our parents (and their immaturity) and we didn't know that they were immature. We didn't know that their moods were not our fault. I was raised by a parent who repeated to me, from a young age, that her bad moods were my fault, her good moods were also my "fault" (i.e. my responsibility), and everything she did was somehow my fault. No child is equipped to 'see' what is really going on there. I just agreed with her - that her moods were my fault.

As a child and teen, and even as an adult, I had a hard time believing otherwise. When your parent programs you, it is hard to de-program! But it can be done! We're doing it!

Trees

[AliceWinter]

Treesgrowslowly, I can recognize myself in the things you wrote and you put a lot of my feelings into words. Thank you!

It's certanly true for me that I hoped for some change in my mum's behaviors since I started to see things differently. But the change was in me, not her. She stays the same and has been that way as long as I can remember. For me I think that I in some weird way trusted her more than any other person in the family. It was like a brainwashing process.
So when I opened my eyes and started to see things differently I assumed that she would change. I believed that if she just knew that she hurt me it would stop.
That has been a struggle.

A few years ago I told my therapist about a recent guilttripping episode that stretched for a long time. It was exhausting to me and I was consumed with the guilt but felt that I in no way could give her what she wanted which was more access to my kids. He then asked me "Do you understand her". Without thinking I answered yes. Then he paused for a second and said "you understand HER". In that moment something in me shifted.

[treesgrowslowly]

AliceWinter,

It is very hard to have parents who don't change. They don't learn, they don't grow. Nothing. They just idle in their emotional immaturity land, year after year. The rest of us have to orbit around them.

They stay the same, and also act as if they are the sun that we should feel grateful for. It sounds like your mother simply pushed back on your boundary, over and over and over, to see if she could wear you down (and get more access to your kids). Been there. No fun. It's good when we can protect the next generation from the abuse of PD's.

I often imagine how different my life would be - had I had one non-mentally ill, disordered, deranged PD parent.

Trees

[AliceWinter]

Treesgrowslowly
Sorry you had to go through something similar with your family. It's both very painful and draining and I think we become so much more vulnerable when it comes to our kids. For me I became more vulnerable to her manipulations. "How can you do that to your own child" (keep him away from his loving grandma) But I also felt more intensely then ever that my mum wasn't safe and my body kept screaming to me "don't let your kids into her world"

Sometimes I too imagine what life could had been like. I think growing up this way with disordered parents shape who we become in a very profound way.
I see my kids growing their own identities. That's what kids should be able to do safely. But where do I go back and pick up myself? Where do I start to build myself? There's so many things I didn't get a chance to develop and I think it takes much more work when we have to do it as adults.