Did you tell them?

[GettingOOTF]

Hello everyone. It’s been a very stressful time with my family over the past few months. I got to the point there I was completely overwhelmed and it was really impacting my day to day life.

I have been NC with my siblings for around 2 years. I was VLC with my father but westill spoke on the phone.

He finally crossed a line or I reached a point where I’d had enough of his abuse and I cut all contact. It’s been about two months. It took a while for him to realize I guess. Anyway he’s clearly brought my siblings in and last week they started bombarding me through various social media. I’m not reading the messages and blocking, but I see the first few lines as they show up. All my social media is now locked down which I didn’t want to do as I’m active on a few sites for various hobbies and enjoyed all the new connections I was making. I’m really sad about that and feel cut off from an important part of my life once again thanks to my family.

With the help of my therapist I crafted a letter to my uncle who I suspect will reach out soon about this, as well as to one of my siblings.

I’m wondering now if I should send the letters or if it would make it worse.

My family are very vindictive and they love “drama”. I live in a different country to them and we have no friends in common so realistically I’m not sure what they can do but I’m really stressed - not sleeping, get periods where I am shaking and just generally panicky. I know that this is stuff popping up from the past and I’m using Pete Walkers 13 Step process as best I can but it’s a lot for me to deal with.

I feel like I owe them an explanation, but then wonder if that is just FOG.

I know everyone on here knows no one makes this decision lightly so I won’t go into all the years of abuse, their impact and my reasons as I know many of us have the same story. But trust me when I say I have reasons and this final cutting of contact is long over due.

I just don’t know what to do.

The letter is short. Also it would be an electronic message not a written letter. Much shorter than this post and basically says I’ve experienced the relationships as hurtful and have decided  to not continue them. It’s very unemotional and not accusatory as I don’t want to give them ammunition.

I can’t tell if continuing to ignore contact or sending the message would be worse.

[appaloosa]

Sorry about all the stress. If your uncle hasn't reached out to you yet, I think I would just wait. I guess if you two have been very close, and you don't think he'll repeat everything to your FOO, maybe send an email? If that's what you feel would be best. Or you could just wait and see if he contacts you.
I'm also living in a different country than FOO. Have been NC with my father for about 6 years, and when I moved to this country about a year ago, I essentially became NC with my enabling mother as well. (She has never once asked about my life here--I was tired of sending long emails, telling her about my life and asking about her, and getting either no response or a very perfunctory response. Obviously, she was not interested and it felt like my correspondence was just annoying her) My siblings have pretty much gone NC as well, which makes me sad, but I'm trying to focus on enjoying my day to day life and keeping thoughts of FOO out of my head.
It's not easy and I wish all the best in your journey to peace. xoxo

[GettingOOTF]

Thank you. Sorry you are here too.

The letter to my uncle is a response in case he does reach out. I wanted to be prepared. He will most certainly go back to my family with it, so I wrote it with that in mind. It also basically says that due to my experience of them as hurtful I have decided to end the relationships. It also says that I will not discuss the matter further. My family love nothing more than a common enemy, which has pretty much always been me.

I read a thread in here from someone who said their sister reached out on IG after 5 years. I'm divorced from an abusive man and he keeps popping up. I am worried now my family will keep on trying to get in touch.

My therapist says my ex will never leave me alone, the best I can hope for is longer gaps between contact and to remain fully NC.

It's all so exhausting. I'm so sick of it. It feels like it will never end. That said, I do feel that I'm really healing and that the NC has been good for me.

It's hard to come to terms with the fact that my family is so dysfunctional and they likely will never chance. It's a lot to accept.

[Psuedonym]

GettingOOTF,

I've been where you are, including the panicky feeling. It does get better when you realize that you can actually make decisions about your own well being and not have the sky fall down on you. I would send the letter if it makes you feel better, but not to give them an explanation. They won't accept it and they will probably go on a smear campaign in response (which they might well do anyway). If you feel like you like speaking the truth would help you, I'd do it, but know that nothing you say or do is going be accepted by them.

Hang in there.


Oh and yes I did write a letter to ujPBD/NPD m. She has tried to convince everyone (including my BF) that I am mentally ill, unstable, lying, and even accused me of doing things she has done. It was still worth it to me because it was the one and only time I spoke the truth to her.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi there,

I've been NC for over 10 years. What I wish i would have had back when I went NC: a counsellor who understood the NC process.

Your questions are totally understandable. A big part of you knows that they won't give you the response you want.

I've talked before about the question of what to tell them. My view is this is : whether you give them all the info or no info, or some info, the fact remains, you are putting down a boundary of NC. Which is your right.

What they do with the info you give them, i.e. the letter to your uncle, is about them.

I wish I had had a counsellor and a series of sessions to explore the same types of questions you have: why I want to send the letter, what I'm feeling, what I hope happens, what I think will happen if i send it, what I will feel if I never send it, and how I feel about this from day to day- the range of things I feel about it.

Each NPD family system reacts to NC a little differently. Mine tried to pull me back sporadically for a while and I still get the odd attempt that I delete / ignore. Being able to block their email addresses etc helps a lot.

If it helps, their attempts to contact me no longer bring up so much anxiety for me. It gets easier to focus on yourself and your needs.

You have suppprt here for your journey. Regardless if you send the letter to your uncle or not, if they attempt contact, you won't have to deal with it without our support, here in the forums.

We understand what it feels like to feel panicky about PDs and flying monkeys contacting us after we go NC. I'm sorry you're going through this. Take care of yourself. It's really good that you know that they live for drama. You've got good insights.

Trees

[SerenityCat]

GettingOOTF 

Personally, it worked best for me to not send a message.

I had to pay attention to how much stress and PTSD I was experiencing. Nightmares, shakiness, hyper-vigilance. I made recovering my priority. As if I was in the hospital with a physical illness that required most all my attention, nothing left for trying to figure out dysfunctional family drama.

For me, sending a message would keep a door open that I needed to close, at least for the time being. If I sent one I would then be anxious about a response or lack thereof.

I also reminded myself that I didn't need to make any decisions right away. I could focus on my own health first. Then maybe six months later or a year revisit my decision.

Anxiety can make us feel like we need to hurry up. But we usually have plenty of time. We don't need to answer questions from dysfunctional family right away, if at all.

I can also understand why sending the message might be very helpful. Maybe it can feel like a basic "leave me alone" and then a closing of a door.

GettingOOTF, I believe that you win either way. No matter what you choose, no matter what the response, you get to continue to live and learn. Recovery is a process. If something doesn't seem to work you get to re-calibrate and carry on.

[gettingstronger1]

Sending the email would probably cause more problems for you.  They will just use it as ammunition against you during the smear campaign.  If you have tried to discuss the problems in the past, then they already know exactly why you went NC.  They will say they have no idea why you went NC, but they know.

[GettingOOTF]

Thank you everyone. I cannot tell you how helpful your responses are. Other than therapy I don’t have anyone I can discuss this with. My friends simply don’t understand, it’s incomprehensible to them. While they support me it’s not something they relate to which means there’s no one to bounce these thoughts off.  I’m so grateful for this site.

I think that ultimately gettingstronger is right. It won’t help and it’s not as if I haven’t tried to get them to hear me in the past.

I think it’s that part of me that was never listened to or heard that is driving my desire to explain until someone understands. I also don’t want to open any doors. They haven’t respected my wishes in the past so they won’t respect them now. No matter how neutral my response they will twist it and attack.

I will hold off on doing anything and if I hear from my uncle I will sit with it before I respond.