Back after a while NC question

[mrstring]

Hello all. I am still doing well, I have had no contact since I stopped paying her phone bill months ago. I wanted to run something by everyone and maybe since I'm no longer in the relationship this should be another thread.

As some of you know, the car she drives is under my name and yes I pay the insurance. Perhaps it is cowardly but I prefer to pay than to try to get it back and store it someplace, deal with her etc. Anyhow the registration is due and I have to get it on the car. I DO NOT want to even text her. Her daughter who helped me last time got an earful from her mom for even associating with me so I don't want to put her through that.

Any thoughts? I know as always there are people here stuck in some terrible situations, so this is fairly minor, but I feel like I have ptsd when it comes to her.

[openskyblue]

So great to hear that you are doing well, mrstring!

This might be a good time to get that car and sell it. Since it's yours, you could have it towed to your house -- or some other secure place -- while you sell it. I'm remembering that you thought your ex might be using drugs in the car or transporting them with it. Between the insurance liability (should she have an accident) and the legal issues, that seems like a lot of risk to carry -- along with the financial cost to you.

[mrstring]

Thank you as always openbluesky. I hate to admit it but I am not mentally ready to do that yet. It quite frankly scares me for some reason. Just the conflict and everything involved. Plus I could not get anywhere near the amount I owe. Which is an excuse.
Ideally if I could get her sons to buy it off me but they are no longer reasonable. I am mad at myself for freezing on this.

[coyote]

Good to hear from you Mr. String,
It is a sticky situation indeed. What happened to me was a car I'd given to a friend ended up racking up $1,000 in tolls that I ended up paying as the car was still in my name, Insurance and lawsuits are issues that could haunt you should she have an accident. I understand the place you are in but freezing here may not be in your long term best interest. I'd suggest getting the car back, paying it off or having someone take over the note and the car.

[sad_dog_mommy]

Hi Mr. String!

Coyote makes a very valid point.  Even if she only drives the car to church on Sundays you cannot imagine the financial repercussions you would be responsible for if the car was involved in an accident.  Or if it towed!

Is this the last thing that ties you to her?  What happened with custody of the dog(s)?  A few days of discomfort while you deal with this will be followed by permanent freedom!

;-)

[mrstring]

Thanks Coyote as always. After being outside the relationship you realize how dysfunctional it was. The sense of entitlement of having someone pay for the car you drive. Anyhow. What you both say is true.
There are two other factors.
1. Since we got this car when we were together I feel some strange sense of honor to complete this to not take it from her. I know it probably doesn't make sense. Like breaking a promise. I know she cheated and capped on me but that's not me.

2. The dog. One still in her name. Which can be used as a weapon. Although Ive had them for the past 16 months about. So legally it would be tough for her to get back, although I doubt she even wants them

[mrstring]

Yes. Sad dog mommy, I just saw your post. I do have the dogs.

Ok. Let's say I move forward with at the very least if not getting the car back but getting it out of my name. Where should I start?

[mrstring]

I just spoke to the car loan company. Another option is for me to get a personal loan, pay off the loan company, get the title in my name, then put it in her name. Financially it would stink but I would be free of responsibility and insurance. I would probably bring the paper that puts the dog in my name too.

[coyote]

You will need to ask the Dept of Motor Vehicles in your state. In my state there is a form you can fill out saying you sold the car to whoever and it will absolve you of responsibility even if they never follow through on the title transfer.

[mrstring]

Yes I forgot to add that I would have to sign it over to her and she would have to accept it.

[coyote]

I think in my state she does not have to accept. You just sign it over to her. I'd check with DMV and find out my options.

[mrstring]

It would seem safer if they accepted, I'd hate for someone to put some clunker in my name and me not be aware of it.

[openskyblue]

If you've had the dogs 16 months, they are yours. If she tried to claim one, you could easily argue abandonment on her part. The car is yours, not hers. You've paid for it and insured it. Frankly, she's been lucky to drive it as long as she has.

Okay, so I have to ask:  Are you sure you want to sever all ties with your ex?  I ask this, because it seems like you are preserving ways to stay connected to her. I know I've done the same with my ex, because at some level I felt guilty about leaving.

[mrstring]

I want to badly sever all ties. If I just took the car it would be messy and I would always being figuratively looking over my shoulder. So I would not feel it's over.

I agree about the dog but even the police I have asked said if it's in her name it's her property and they would suggest I hand the dog over to keep the peace. If it went to court I would think I would win.

[mrstring]

If you've had the dogs 16 months, they are yours. If she tried to claim one, you could easily argue abandonment on her part. The car is yours, not hers. You've paid for it and insured it. Frankly, she's been lucky to drive it as long as she has.

Okay, so I have to ask:  Are you sure you want to sever all ties with your ex?  I ask this, because it seems like you are preserving ways to stay connected to her. I know I've done the same with my ex, because at some level I felt guilty about leaving.

It is interesting I do feel a bit of guilt that I left her in bad shape. Logically if makes no sense.
Some friends think I should just take the car. So do some of you. I just don't have the heart to do it.

[Liftedfog]

Mrstring!  So glad to hear from you.  In my opinion, something has to give.  You can't have contact with her because she is disordered.   Because of HER behaviour whether intentional or not, you can't be together.   So, how the heck can you share anything with her?  To boot, she got mad at her daughter that was helping HER.  I don't see any other amicable options here.  She is actually forcing you to sever ties with this vehicle.  Think about it....if you can't get the registration renewed, she can't drive it.  So you are going to have to make contact one way or another.   I'm sorry this is so agonizing.   You have been doing so well.  You got this. 

[cant turn back]

I get it Mr. String.
After being out of our marital home for nine months, and experiencing the peace and solitude of my own home, it is agonizing to me to tie up the loose ends that require STBXH's buy off or involvement, the pending items to get our divorce to the end of the road.  I am perhaps "one of the lucky ones" on this forum, comparatively speaking, nonetheless I HESITATE to engage STBXH in any way.  It's like inviting more abuse, inviting an argument, disagreement, manipulation from someone for whom that is the standard operating procedure, that basically no matter what I say or do it is taken in a negative light.  So, I have dragged my feet in moving forward.
So, I understand your inclination to let sleeping dogs lie.  But, in this situation, it just seems like you're leaving yourself too much at risk to not deal with it.  Even if you take a personal loan and basically give her the car, just get it out of your name.

[mrstring]

Thank you for the responses and feedback. I should really just keep my thoughts and conversations here to those who understand. I discussed with a few co workers who are very supportive but they are not where my head is at. As cant look back said, it is letting sleeping dogs lie. Unfortunately my hand is forced because my car has to be registered and she closed the door on the easy for both of us method.

I texted quite a bit to her daughter yesterday, she says she still considers me family which is sweet and hasn't seen her mom in 5 months. I found out her mom is renting a room and hanging out with "kids" half her age, she is in her early fifties. The good news is, renting a room with that lifestyle she can't even take or try to take the dogs back. I guess 1st step is to see if I get approved for the personal loan and go from their.

I feel I am so close to complete freedom. Yesterday just thinking about it was a very draining day and I appreciate everyone being here.

[openskyblue]

I hate to be a naysayer again, but what if you get the loan to pay off the car and she won't assume ownership? She may not be able (financially or mentally) pay for the insurance. Or she might just say no to spite you and inconvenience you .

[mrstring]

I hate to be a naysayer again, but what if you get the loan to pay off the car and she won't assume ownership? She may not be able (financially or mentally) pay for the insurance. Or she might just say no to spite you and inconvenience you .

She wouldn't do that she is very reasonable.

That is a very good point. I'll have to think that one out. Because a personal loan will probably be a higher interest rate than I have now. Which I won't care if she takes it but she can balk at the last moment or even at the DMV. Then I can take the car...hmm. I am glad you said something.