Mothers' Day. I can't.

[PeaceBeStill]

I can't even look at her. How am I supposed to appreciate her when I feel that everything she's done for me has been for HER own good; it's always a trade with her, and her giving is more like her buying something from me?

I'm not mad at her. It's the fear. And I'm probably already no contact with her except that I live with her, but when she says my name, which she does like 100 times especially when dad is around, I wrench. I burn on the inside. My head hurts and I get triggered and even if I was deep in one of my escapes (fantasies), I find myself venting and recounting why she shouldn't be saying my name or calling me. When she does this, it's to "prove" to my dad that I'm really the problem. Because, once she calls me and I have to respond, it's like a show she's putting on. She baits me, knowing I'll get sour and be foul about her putting me on the spot. Dad won't know what's really happening, and I come off as the bad guy because of my scowl and disinterest and basically my not wanting to be there showing.

She's got him thinking I'm depressed. And I may well be, but having me "figured out" is how she can show she's in my life and knows be better and that anything she says about me, she's right and that if he has anything to tell me, she's the go to.

I can't wish her a happy mothers' day because she already is happy, destroying my relationships, my confidence, my day, my choices. How much more happiness can she possibly need?

I'm the kind of person who self-reflects a lot. And yes, I'll fault myself for not taking her attacks as her being a protective parent. I will justify her choice of parenting as something she may have learnt from her own parents even though she takes parenting advice from anyone who suggest inflicting physical pain, ostracizing...open gossip...

My dad is smart, but she's successfully manipulated him that now, I don't trut him enough to confide in him and rebuild our relationship. He wouldn't be able to keep our conversations sealed from her, giving her ammunition to further attack and destroy me.

I'm working toward forgiving her per attack per situation, but I'm not talking to her. My heart fights to forgive her for my own good, but my mind and body remember the pain she's caused and nothing else.

Mothers' Day is the day my siblings send me texts to remind me to wish her a happy day, and I wrench. I can't tell them how I feel because they'll just defend her or say nothing at all, making me further believe I'm the only one who sees what she's doing, further questioning what I see and gaslighting my personal experiences because they've been here too. And if they can move on, why can't I?

When my brother texted me today wanting me to pass on his message to her, I felt angry. He's been the apple of her eye while I have been in his shadow my whole life. He's been the beloved, and I got blamed for everything, most not being my fault, but it comes with the territory. He could never know where my shoe pinches.

I won't pass on the message bc I'm cutting all intentional contact with her as far as I can help it. I'm giving her the silent treatment bc it's all I can do until I move out. I want that we only interact when she initiates and it's something absolutely unavoidable to respond to, at least so as not to attract dad's intervention, which is always in her favour, or anyone else's judgement and criticism for my behaviour toward my mother because society will only see half the picture and build a conclusion out of that.

I hate it when I convince myself, in the cycle, to go easier on her. When I tell myself that if she were aware that she was hurting me, she wouldn't do it. That maybe I made her this way at my birth, because maybe it was hard for her and that I'm being ungrateful how she bore me despite what happened, maybe she had surgery to have me, maybe I was the one who ruined her figure and that she's justified to be angry toward me whenever she is.

I'm learning about all these traits, and crying through new revelations, finding out that I belong because my experience has a name and a description and is therefore validated,but the feelings...and string of thoughts, they haven't gone away. They still recur. And I have no one I can talk to outside of this forum about it.

I don't want to stop feeling angry at her because then, I'll be drawn back in. Living with her and all. I want to remember. Because my whole childhood, until now, I couldn't help being drawn back in. Again, I self -reflect a lot. But hurt alone. And to cope, I want to justify letring this Mothers' Day pass without me wishing her anything and without hating my siblings for suggesting that I pretend I'm okay with her.

[Liketheducks]

I hear you.   Mother's Day and Father's Day can be particularly difficult for many of us.      I remember trying to buy cards for my parents years ago for these holidays......"World's Best Mom".    Yea.....not quite the fitting sentiment.   "You were always there for me".....uh....NOPE.     You're not alone.     

You wrote something that really hit me.  "I feel that everything she's done for me has been for HER own good; it's always a trade with her".     For my own good, I've turned that notion on its head.    My relationships with my parents have become much less intense and much more transactional and strategic.    I've started being able to say....No, this is not something I'm going to be doing.....with them both.   But, that took a very, very long time, a lot of time here, and some good therapy.      And I was NC for a long time.

How soon can you move out?    Hugs to you

       

[PeaceBeStill]

That's a whole other dragon on its own.
Mothers' Day passed without me acknowledging her. It was peaceful.

[sunshine702]

Holidays like that are SUPER triggering to us with difficult family history.   And now we have Father's Day coming up.  My advice is tackle the issue early and make a plan.  I listen to Ramini videos like this and take notes.  Then I plan my gift or call knowing it will go down like a lead balloon.  Holding out zero hope they will allow me "to get it right this year"

I have realized something.   I have an excellent memory normally.  I can pick up a conversation with a co worker about her new dog seamlessly but I "forget" birthdays and events like Mother's Day and Father's Day a lot. 

I think it is because of how PAINFULLY it has been all my life.  I just want the day to go away!!

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=pg7XlmDFKFo&t=3s&pp=ygUjZHIgcmFtYW5pIG5hcmNpc3Npc20gc29lY2lhbCBldmVudHM%3D

[NotCryingGlitter]

I'm a card person, but I stopped with the cards for those two holidays a long time ago. I have to avoid certain things on those days, because of how much I hate the parent celebrations. Instead of "wishing" them a "happy" day, just focus on the gift part without much talk about the holiday itself. Although there really is no trick that always works, I do my best to "compromise" by making the gift something they will like/use, but not sentimental. Instead of flowers or items with quotes (that are lies to us, ha), give them kitchen or garage items, etc. I've started doing the same thing with their birthday gifts, and I buy cheap, so I'm not spending much money. I try to distract myself as much as possible on those holidays and stick to TV re-runs for a few days, cuz the news is full of the holiday talk.

My best advice is to make yourself as busy as possible that day, so that time with them is more limited. Try volunteering with foster kids nonprofits, with the icing on the cake being that you have a good excuse ("these kids don't have parents"), and you'll be rewarded with all of the blessings of being a beacon for those kids.