When will I stop being triggered by her?

[Tribe16]

Last night Tribe16 became Tribe17 with a sweet new granddaughter and I am so grateful.

It was a great day, we have a family chat which was all abuzz everytime Daddy (my son) posted an update. We are spread out in 4 different states, so family chat is usually active every day, yesterday extremely so.

In the past 2 months I've had one text exchange and the briefest of phone calls with my mom. Because she ignores me, I figured there is no point in sending any updates since she shares nothing with me. It was a peaceful day with anticipatory joy, until my sister calls me and wants to know what's going on, is there a new baby update? I ask her, how she heard about this since I hadn't mentioned anything. She said my son messaged my mom that they were at the hospital. Sis said that Mom was all worried because she hadn't heard anything else all day.

I told my sister I was happy to give her an update which I did, but then said how frustrating it is that mom could not send a text to ask me herself - that she needed to use Sis as a middleman. I said this is really dumb. She agreed and said mom was being childish. Ya think? I told her I would let her (Sis) know when I had news.

Meanwhile, baby arrives, the pictures are beautiful. Family chat rejoicing! (Family chat consists of hubby, me and 4 kids and their spouses). Son, knowing that my relationship with mom is strained says he will send her a pic. Great, I am off the hook. I am feeling guilty because this is the first time I haven't been in contact with her regarding a new great-grandchild, and I remind myself that she is using triangulation to get to me and I really don't have anything to feel guilty about.

Lo and behold she texts me gushy congratulations, complete with heart emojis and smiley faces, has appropriated a nickname for my new granddaughter which is the name of my other son's dog they've had for 9 years. Now I am triggered (why? Why do I let this stuff get to me?). I wait 5 minutes, respond "thank you, congrats on your #10. Yes _____ and _____ will make great parents to baby [insert baby's actual name]. Hit send, turn off phone.

I am mad at myself for allowing my mother to negatively influence my joy of the day. I am trying to shake it off.

[Srcyu]

How wonderful! What lovely, joyous news. Your own family, that you made for yourself, is expanding and you were there in amongst the happy chat of everyone you love.

Your mom ofcourse, managed to make it all about her in that small corner that she inhabits. SO WORRIED ( of not being centre stage and the distinct possibility of knowing much less than everyone else).

Mom intruded in your glorious day.
she tried to give this precious new child a nickname.
She remains on the outskirts however. She is not in your chat group and your response was more than enough.


My mother once did something similar to me in the run up to Christmas.
Any good news and they want to be there. Should you ever need something however, they melt away like snow.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi Tribe16,

In learning from Lindsay Gibson, I have learned a lot about how self-absorbed people affect us. She wrote the book "Adult children of emotionally immature people"

It is very challenging to turn away from that hope that our mom is going to change. But when we do work with our own hope that she is going to be 'better' someday, it actually leads eventually to the emotional freedom we need.

Lindsay Gibson talks about how we need to plan ahead with emotionally immature people. We know how they are going to behave, but what keeps us frustrated is the hope that they might not behave this way - even if all the data tells us that this is how they behave. It is all about them.

Lindsay Gibson also talks in a really helpful way, about what happens when we bring our joy to an emotionally immature parent. They never were able to share in that joy with us, and it doesn't matter how old they get, they still lack their own ability to share in the joy their own children feel.

If you look back on your experiences with your mother, you will no doubt see that throughout your life, it was about her. What was on her mind, what she felt, what she thought, what she needed to feel or think. Or how she wanted to be seen. Which is why she's going to copy the things that more emotionally healthy people do - like send emojis and try to look as engaged and joyful as you are - but then not be able to help herself. She has to say and do things that throw you off balance, like bringing up a nickname that doesn't make sense to you.

The trigger us because they are in their own world, where they cannot actually tolerate situations like this. They are not the centre of attention, and they are very good at trying to get the attention back on them. Had you gotten into it with her, and pointed out how odd the nickname was, she would have had your attention. Bam! Her goal is met. She's got your attention on a day that was about a new baby, and your joy, just moments earlier.

I think the fact that you didn't spend an hour explaining to her why the nickname she chose was 'off', is a success on your part. 

They are very good at doing things to see if they can get our attention.

There are so many more moments of joy in your life. It will be up to you if you allow any sort of contact with you on those days or in those moments. You can have your moments of joy with those who are not like your mother, and then make a plan to only contact her when you are not looking for her to acknowledge, support or share in your joyful state.

Once I realized that the emotionally immature people in my life had ruined many many moments when I was in a joyful state, I eventually vowed never to let them in during those moments again. The truth is, they can't actually tolerate it when people are in a state of joy and not paying attention to them. They trigger us because they are distressed by the lack of attention on them.

They trigger us to see if they can get our attention back and get us out of our joyful state. In our joyful states, we are expecting them to allow us to have our own emotions. Do emotionally immature parents want us kids to have our own emotions? No.

Because when we are having our own joyful emotional experiences, we are not paying enough attention to them.

Due to their immaturity, they are unable to really be present for us when we feel joy. Once I realized how often I had endured the misery of this, I felt better about not allowing emotionally immature people in when there was a chance for me to have my joy, and let the day be about other things - not caretaking the emotionally immature parent.

I'll always be triggered by narcissistic behaviour because it is good for me to be alert when a person is being selfish. But the triggers don't have to pull me in once I realize how desperate they are - for our attention to go back to them in every situation. I have watched emotionally immature people suck the joy out of many many events in my life.

Trees

[Tribe16]

She remains on the outskirts however. She is not in your chat group and your response was more than enough.

Thank you Black Cat, thank you for reminding me she is on the outskirts because that is where she chose to place herself. I'm no longer comfortable with her waltzing back in when she feels like it as if nothing ever happened.

There are so many more moments of joy in your life. It will be up to you if you allow any sort of contact with you on those days or in those moments. You can have your moments of joy with those who are not like your mother, and then make a plan to only contact her when you are not looking for her to acknowledge, support or share in your joyful state.

But the triggers don't have to pull me in once I realize how desperate they are - for our attention to go back to them in every situation.

Thank you Trees. That is key - I am working towards accepting that I cannot look to her for any acknowledgement or support in any way. My logical side knows this, but that pesky subconscious (maybe that inner child) keeps wondering if this time it will be different? I need to be better at parenting myself so this doesn't keep happening.[

Not being pulled in - Life goal!!!

Thank you both for kind and helpful words.