Famous

[Srcyu]

Where I live, a famous person has just announced that his father bullied him, attacked him and generally mistreated him all his life.
My initial thought was selfish because I thought, "yay! People will listen to you and others will follow."
I read some of his story in the newspapers. His father was a drunkard who didn't want his son to be a dancer. Whenever trouble flared up in the house the son (famous guy) would leave the room. His father would follow him ..
'Flash bang' up popped the memory of my mother doing that to me. I can't read any more and deliberately turned over the channel when his interview came on TV.

So much for #metoo. Yet I can read stories here and want to interact. I think it must be because I can actually see this person.

[moglow]

I remember when Mommie Dearest [Joan Crawford's story via daughter Christina] came out. So many people panned the memoir, claimed there's no way any of it could be true, they KNEW her, someone would have seen/heard it if it actually happened etc. Yet apparently there were some who had witnessed it repeatedly. It didn't help [to me] that the movie version had some sad acting that made it not so believable either.

I read the book, saw the movie later, read many reviews that weren't flattering and shame on the daughter for telling such things - and I never doubted her for a minute. Why? Because I'd lived something very similar, only my mother wasn't famous. Those middle of the night or out of nowhere rages and rampages? Lived them. Mother had a way of charming people and pulling the wool over when she wanted. She could absolutely control it in public but didn't behind closed doors.

I'd have loved to talk at length with Christina Crawford about her way OUT of it all and her recovery from it.

[Srcyu]

I hope this man doesn't suffer for telling of his abuse. People may find his truth more palatable because his father was a drunkard. They may be willing to accept that.
If his mother was the problem, well .. we're not supposed to tell.

I wasn't expecting to be affected by the small amount of his experiences that I heard.
I think knowing what he is mentally going through just getting his story out there caught me off guard.

It's so risky isn't it? Such a large audience and somebody out there will be shaking their head and thinking that he shouldn't have told.

[moglow]

If his mother was the problem, well .. we're not supposed to tell.

Right? Because we all know no woman would abuse her own family. Can't tell you how many people over the years shut me down or tried to excuse mine.

[NarcKiddo]

Yes. "Oh, but she's your motherrrrr." Ugh. Mine plays that card all the time. Moans about "having" to give money to my sibling when they're out of work. But when I point out they are an adult out of work because they turn their nose up at lower-paying jobs she says "oh, but you never stop being a motherrrrr." Of course I know the money is actually being given to exert control.

[JustKat]

Right? Because we all know no woman would abuse her own family. Can't tell you how many people over the years shut me down or tried to excuse mine.

When I was a teen and tried to get help, no one believed the stories of my mother's abuse. If it had been my father, and I had gone to my school counselor for help, they would have been all over it. They would have investigated reports of a man abusing his daughter.

But the mother... no way, not possible. I'd get that inescapable line, "But she's your motherrrr." And that was often followed by words that were intended to shame me for making "accusations" against her. Even in later years, I encountered therapists who didn't believe me. With all the information that's out there today, it's shocking how many therapists still have no clue about NPD and will question stories of mother-daughter narc abuse. If not for forums like this one I probably would have gone insane from all the therapists who questioned my stories. One even called me a drama queen because my stories of narc abuse were just too far-fetched.

[Srcyu]

Update: Famous guy has disappeared from the news already. Replaced by sporting events.
Even stories about abusive fathers are not really tolerated - turn away people this makes us all feel very uncomfortable.

I hope he doesn't regret telling the truth, but I suspect that he might.
Bang goes that little dream of #MeToo

[Leonor]

Hi Black Cat,

It's always a mixed bag of feelings when we hear echoes of our own private story in the media.

The act of disclosure can really intensify all the emotions, because it breaks the one rule: Don't Tell.

Alice Miller writes that it is not taboo to abuse children; it is taboo to talk about it. And only many years after her passing was her adult son able to come forward about Miller's abuse of him.

We are only in the very early stages of understanding trauma, its nature, its causes, its physiological effects on the brain and nervous system.

If healing in is a slow growth of awareness in one person, it is only natural to be a slow growth of awareness throughout society.

But it is happening. The awareness is growing. Survivors are telling their story, and others are hearing them, and resonating with them.

So Black Cat, be kind to you. Just because the story has faded from the media doesn't invalidate the truth that has been spoken. Find solace in the sharing, in the fellowship of healing that is happening in a deeper level, at a vibration below the noise and nonsense of day to day media circus.

[Srcyu]

Leonor,
That's beautiful. So true about the slow growth and I love the depiction of the truth vibration humming away beneath all the noise and chatter in the world.
Thank you.

[Boat Babe]

Hi Black Cat,

It's always a mixed bag of feelings when we hear echoes of our own private story in the media.

The act of disclosure can really intensify all the emotions, because it breaks the one rule: Don't Tell.

Alice Miller writes that it is not taboo to abuse children; it is taboo to talk about it. And only many years after her passing was her adult son able to come forward about Miller's abuse of him.

We are only in the very early stages of understanding trauma, its nature, its causes, its physiological effects on the brain and nervous system.

If healing in is a slow growth of awareness in one person, it is only natural to be a slow growth of awareness throughout society.

But it is happening. The awareness is growing. Survivors are telling their story, and others are hearing them, and resonating with them.

So Black Cat, be kind to you. Just because the story has faded from the media doesn't invalidate the truth that has been spoken. Find solace in the sharing, in the fellowship of healing that is happening in a deeper level, at a vibration below the noise and nonsense of day to day media circus.

Alice Miller: OMG

[Leonor]

Hi BoatBabe,

Alice Miller's son, Martín Miller, is also a psychologist who has spoken extensively on how his mother's trauma as a Holocaust survivor (she came from a Jewish family in Poland) and victim of domestic violence at once inspired her groundbreaking views on abusive childrearing practices and blinded her to the suffering of her own children.

At first I was heartbroken to read about Martin's experience, but now it gives a greater depth and richness to our understanding of generational trauma and the devastation of war. Alice may not herself have been a "good" mom, but her work has certainly inspired many of us to "mother" better, me included.

[Call Me Cordelia]

I feel that I myself am probably inevitably going to be one of those in-between moms like Alice. And honestly, my own parents could be considered in that category, too. They would often defend themselves that they were better than their own parents. And they were probably right about that. My grandparents were also Holocaust survivors. They had serious trauma and issues from before that time, too. I was raised better than my parents were. I was left with at least enough strength to go NC. Which is what I needed to do so the next generation could do better than I did.

[Leonor]

I was just thinking about this, Cordelia, and Black Cat, I hope you don't feel like your thread has been hijacked! But I think that healing is not an event, but more of a growing awareness and willingness to allow the awareness in. Sometimes the awareness feels comforting, like when a public figure speaks out about their own abuse, or when a survivor stands in their truth in a public way. But sometimes the awareness feels disappointing or frightening, like when a beloved public figure is revealed to have been abusive or when a survivor is silenced.

I suppose that only wanting one without the other is falling into patterns of black and white thinking. If we decide that we are only "worth" healing, compassion, love and forgiveness if we are always and forever Glenda the Good, then we must live in fear of punishing and silencing and abandoning ourselves, too.

[Srcyu]

Boat Babe
Don't Tell. It was also the unspoken rule. We knew instinctively that 'telling' was not an option. A distinct lack of anyone to 'tell' was an issue. Plus, we were made to feel so unworthy that we believed no-one would be interested anyway.

Alice said it was not taboo to abuse children? So she thought it was acceptable?
Confusion keeps raising its head at times

We are part of that vibration aren't we? The one just under the surface. We must keeping humming away.

[Srcyu]

Leonor
I'm happy that a new discussion has arisen. Provoking thought is partly why we're here.

Glenda the Good. Yes, we must avoid trying to aim for that.
Awareness can hit you in the face sometimes - lightbulb moments and such.

I release small amounts of disclosure at times and only to certain people. Their response is always shock and acknowledgement followed by quietly moving away from the subject because really, nothing more can be said.

So I continue to hum away in the background and I always pay special attention if a child ever makes what sounds like a disclosure to me.

[Leonor]

Oh, disclosure has been hard for me, too. My family shunned me, not for accusing my abuser (they all knew it already), but for talking about it. My forever friends didn't believe me. I felt like I was in a glass booth: my mouth was moving, I could hear myself loud and clear, and everyone around me looked at me blankly as if I were a tv set to mute.

Eventually what mattered is that I heard me. That I believed me. That I didn't play the flying monkey to myself.

What Alice meant by "not taboo" is "not socially  unacceptable." As in, it's not socially unacceptable to abuse children, because it's so common. But it is socially unacceptable to talk about it, because people who talk about it are silenced. She was accusing society of being hypocritical towards children.

Now, I don't believe that Alice herself was a hypocrite. I think that she was speaking about ways of raising children that were considered exemplary at the time ("Children should be seen and not heard," for example, or "Spare the rod and spoil the child") but were actually damaging to the child.

Perhaps Martin's story is a testament that, just as abuse is a generational trauma, healing can grow across generations, too.

[Boat Babe]

I'm still in shock about Alice Miller as I read "The drama of the gifted child" in the mid nineties and it was so impactful. That a person can have that much insight and be so blind to their own behaviour. Kind of makes me doubt my own parenting just thinking about it. I also have a friend who has worked as a therapist with second generation Holocause survivors and she has talked, without breaking confidentiality, of some of the issues. I can't even begin to relay them here.  I take great comfort in the idea of the "good enough parent" - thank you Dr Winnicot.

[Srcyu]

This business about Alice Miller and varying levels of taboo brings to mind a childhood memory.

Aged about eight, I had thick unruly hair that I needed help with before going to school. I recall (can still "feel" actually) standing outside her bedroom door calling for her to get up. I wasn't allowed to go in and often stood there quite a while before she would drag herself out of bed.
She would then proceed to tug and roughly brush my hair before I could leave the house. Time and again she made me late.
Finally, the teacher enquired about my bad time keeping - so I told him ..

Boy, was she mad when the school got in touch with her about it. Mortified she was, livid that I had been a 'tell tale.'
She felt no shame about her neglect of me, only that others knew about it.

I actually amused with my younger self now, simply telling my teacher the truth led to a suitable outcome for my mother.