How Many Had "Overprotective' Abusive Parents?

[PeanutButter]

Ive always wondered how much of an overlap there is with so called 'overprotective' parents being 'abusive' parents.
My H and I both had very abusive 'overprotective' parents. Alot of the abuse we both suffered was touted as being 'what is best' 'for our own good' and 'keeping us safe' etc.

The views on 'overprotective' parents/grandparents has changed drastically.

I just googled what is overprotection
"Medical Definition of overprotection
: undue or excessive protection or shielding specifically : excessive restriction of a child's behavior allegedly in the interest of his or her health and welfare by an anxious, insecure, or domineering parent."

This reminds me of something dr phil said to one particular 'overprotective' (abusive, selfcentered) mother:
First he put this up on the screen:
  "The why lie: (meaning the lie she tells herself and others about why she is 'overprotecting' (abusing) her child)
As a mother I am because of my painful life experiences alerted and called to a mission to stand in the gap to protect my children from a world I know can be cruel mean and hurtful. I will not stand by and allow what happened to me as a child and what happened to my innocent god daughter be my childrens reality. I will do for them what was not done for me. It is right, it is needed, it is my duty; it is why I am in this world."

Then he flipped the screen and it said this:

"The truth I fail to see:
I have been emotionally wounded in fact crippled by my early life experience from which I have never healed. The pain and neurotic anxiety drive me to live vicariously through my children. I somehow believe that if I can keep them safe and protected the scared little girl that lives within me will at last feel safe and protected. I am putting my emotional needs ahead of my childrens developmental needs and on some level I know this. I cant stop because I am addicted to the reassurance over control affords me. ALL OF THIS OVERPROTECTIVENESS IS MORE ABOUT ME AND MY PAIN THAN IT IS ABOUT THEM AND THEIR RISK LEVEL!"

I dont watch alot of dr phil shows. Just the ones on addiction and family dysfunction. Boy was I glad I seen this. I took screen shots so I could refer back to it. I felt so validated.

I want to validate anyone who suffered the 'abuse' of an 'overprotective' parent. You were abused! You suffered! You were not heard. You were not seen. You didn't matter. IMO All that mattered to the abusive overprotecting parents were themselves!
IME That is why it felt so awful. That is why it didnt feel like love or caring. It was pure selfishness. Yet we are still asked to this day to 'thank' them for this care of us. NO! NO! NO!

[Duck]

Yes yes yes times 1,000! Thank you for sharing this.

[PeanutButter]

Thank you for chiming in.
Its not that I want someone else to have experienced this pain, but I dont want to keep it quietly inside anymore.
I feel alone doing that.

[Duck]

One time I wrote some thoughts down because I was grasping toward what you just wrote. I kept having a vision of parents hurting the legs of their children to keep them home and safe "for their own good." Tell me what you think. I haven't shared it with anyone else. I feel like it is what happened metaphorically to my sister and me.

Some parents are like Kathy Bates in Misery. They hobble their kids so they can lock them in the basement and they'll be less likely to run away. They say they do it for the sake of the kids, but it's really for them. They either can't handle or don't want to handle the discomfort of allowing their children to grow and go outside. It's more comfortable to know where the kids are at all times.

You might say, "Do you realize you have done permanent damage to their legs? They will be affected by this for the rest of their lives. Also, I think they might have rickets."

They will reply, "I can do whatever I want with my own kids. Also, don't ever question a parent. Assume their magical love gives them infinite wisdom."

"I am keeping the kids safe. In fact, I don't think they fully appreciate the service I am doing for them. I used to be outside. I fell down and people were mean to me. It was terrible."

"You can never prove to me that living in the basement is worse than what I experienced outside. I always win the pissing contest of suffering. Since I suffered so much, no one is allowed to complain about anything, especially the kids in the basement. My suffering allows me a free pass for any abuse I happen to dole out to others. Also, my suffering makes me worldly wise. I know more than others, especially anyone younger than me."

These are the rationalizations. In the end, the parent doesn't want to deal with wondering where their kids are. They don't want to let go. Letting kids grow brings up too many icky feelings.

"Better I break their legs and know where they are than see them become something I don't like."

[Andeza]

Thank you for sharing, guys. This was my reality growing up, too. I wasn't given the tools I needed to learn how to cope or deal with the outside world. Instead my uBPDm, a victim of abuse herself, stood in the gap and defied the world. The outside world. The world outside her own private reality. College was akin to being hit with a ton of bricks for me. Entering the workforce was unnecessarily stressful and terrifying. All that could have been different if instead of saying "I will protect you!" and then blocking out the world, she had said "I will teach you," and then shown me what to do.

I could fill a few paragraphs with the things I wasn't allowed to do as a child/teenager because my uBPDm wasn't "comfortable" with it. Sleepovers? Nope. She wasn't comfortable. Trail rides with cousins? Nope, she wasn't cool with that! Playdates? After a certain point those were out as well. It goes on. And it's true, most of it was extremely isolating. In comparison, I want my kids to have normal experiences growing up. Protect them from harm? Sure, that's the job after all. But this boils down to essentially saying things like "Don't play with that rattlesnake!" versus "Don't play with your friends down the road." Massive line we can pretty safely draw in most instances.

Very validating, thank you for starting the post PeanutButter.

[PeanutButter]

One time I wrote some thoughts down because I was grasping toward what you just wrote. I kept having a vision of parents hurting the legs of their children to keep them home and safe "for their own good." Tell me what you think. I haven't shared it with anyone else. I feel like it is what happened metaphorically to my sister and me.

I so sincerely appreciate you sharing this. I dont think anyone who has not experienced this would get it. I do! My heart started beating faster as I read.

Some parents are like Kathy Bates in Misery. They hobble their kids so they can lock them in the basement and they'll be less likely to run away. They say they do it for the sake of the kids, but it's really for them. They either can't handle or don't want to handle the discomfort of allowing their children to grow and go outside. It's more comfortable to know where the kids are at all times.

Yes! The child IS crippled by the parent. The dysfunctional thinking is such that the prime goal is there comfort. Maybe they really believe it benefits the child also but that certianly isnt their priority.

You might say, "Do you realize you have done permanent damage to their legs? They will be affected by this for the rest of their lives. Also, I think they might have rickets."

They will reply, "I can do whatever I want with my own kids. Also, don't ever question a parent. Assume their magical love gives them infinite wisdom."

I definately have felt this but couldnt ever put it to words. Their 'parental love' is extraordinary, maybe even supernatural. It gives them rights above and beyond everyone and everything. It affords them an 'all knowing' that you (inferior child being) have no right to question.

"I am keeping the kids safe. In fact, I don't think they fully appreciate the service I am doing for them. I used to be outside. I fell down and people were mean to me. It was terrible."

Oblivious that their childs experience could be anything other than a repeat of theirs.

"You can never prove to me that living in the basement is worse than what I experienced outside. I always win the pissing contest of suffering. Since I suffered so much, no one is allowed to complain about anything, especially the kids in the basement. My suffering allows me a free pass for any abuse I happen to dole out to others. Also, my suffering makes me worldly wise. I know more than others, especially anyone younger than me."

Exactly what myself and my H both experienced.They are unreasonable.They have disdain for anyone younger than they are.

These are the rationalizations. In the end, the parent doesn't want to deal with wondering where their kids are. They don't want to let go. Letting kids grow brings up too many icky feelings.

"Better I break their legs and know where they are than see them become something I don't like."

It is emotional for me to read this. This is very obviously the belief systems (probably both concious and unconscious) of our parents. You nailed it. Im glad you wrote your thoughts down. And i'm so glad you honored us with sharing them.

[PeanutButter]

Thank you for sharing, guys. This was my reality growing up, too. I wasn't given the tools I needed to learn how to cope or deal with the outside world. Instead my uBPDm, a victim of abuse herself, stood in the gap and defied the world. The outside world. The world outside her own private reality. College was akin to being hit with a ton of bricks for me. Entering the workforce was unnecessarily stressful and terrifying. All that could have been different if instead of saying "I will protect you!" and then blocking out the world, she had said "I will teach you," and then shown me what to do.

I could fill a few paragraphs with the things I wasn't allowed to do as a child/teenager because my uBPDm wasn't "comfortable" with it. Sleepovers? Nope. She wasn't comfortable. Trail rides with cousins? Nope, she wasn't cool with that! Playdates? After a certain point those were out as well. It goes on. And it's true, most of it was extremely isolating. In comparison, I want my kids to have normal experiences growing up. Protect them from harm? Sure, that's the job after all. But this boils down to essentially saying things like "Don't play with that rattlesnake!" versus "Don't play with your friends down the road." Massive line we can pretty safely draw in most instances.

Very validating, thank you for starting the post PeanutButter.

Thank you! I was trained to sympathise with upd M plight of worry instead of realize I was being horrificly abused while being held a prisoner in her home with only rare 'approved' outings. There was one aunt we (myself and sister) got to stay over with for fun with our two cousins. But once we were older that was no longer a thing because they were boys and we were girls. So it was church, school, and otherwise NOTHING!

[Ladymm]

PeanutButter,

the funny thing is, the word "overprotective" has like a positive meaning in a sense...like parents had a good intention but they failed. This fills me with introjected feelings of pity and how I am a bad human being for being detached from my mother/GM when they need me and love me so much.

I also feel validated by what you posted but also invalidated by my own denial. But judging them seems to be the wrong road too, because it just amplifies the nothing. But in essence it is something unnatural and foreign for the nervous system to try to cut from your family. My only wish is that I validate myself one day.

[PeanutButter]

PeanutButter,

the funny thing is, the word "overprotective" has like a positive meaning in a sense...like parents had a good intention but they failed. This fills me with introjected feelings of pity and how I am a bad human being for being detached from my mother/GM when they need me and love me so much.

Yes but what about your needs?
I suggest researching the subject. Overprotection does NOT have a positive meaning. It is associated with control and emotional abuse by the professional communities of parenting and psychology.ime

I also feel validated by what you posted but also invalidated by my own denial. But judging them seems to be the wrong road too, because it just amplifies the nothing. But in essence it is something unnatural and foreign for the nervous system to try to cut from your family. My only wish is that I validate myself one day.

The key to healing is acknowledging our experiences. Acknowledging our experience is NOT judging someone. There is no need to judge people. There is a need to acknowledge what happened to us and the effects of those experiences.
You seem to know you do need to validate what you experienced. Maybe you could start with dropping 'judgement' of yourself for needing that.
I also had the lingering effect of 'self abandonment' due to the abuse I suffered.
"Essentially, self-abandonment is when you reject, suppress or ignore part of yourself in real-time. In other words, you have a need or desire you want to meet, and (often on the spot) you make the decision not to meet it." from https://www.nami.org/Blogs/NAMI-Blog/April-2018/Are-You-a-Chronic-Self-Abandoner 

[jennsc85]

YES! This is articulated so well.

Growing up, I would say that my mother was overprotective in order to squash down the embarrassment I felt.

I had to accompany her everywhere so there was no time for me to go anywhere with friends. If my mother needed to go to the grocery store, I had to go with her. If I managed to get out of the house and stay with a friend, she was calling the friend's home phone telling their parents that I needed to come home, there was an emergency. The "emergency" was that she wanted to go CVS and wouldn't go without me. She manipulated my father when he came to pick me up for his visitation by going on long errands while he waited at her house for me. Then when I was with him she would constantly call and text.

I left her house on my 18th birthday at midnight and left her a note.

My grandfather (her father who lived with us at the time) told me that it almost killed her. She was in the hospital with elevated blood pressure and everything. She later said it was because she loved me so much and couldn't stand to lose me. I felt guilty but now I know... she felt like she was losing her hold on me and couldn't handle it. I was a part of her. Not in a sweet loving way, but in an unhealthy toxic way that she didn't want me to have any independence and never wanted me to leave her.

[Ladymm]

PeanutButter,



Yes but what about your needs?
I suggest researching the subject. Overprotection does NOT have a positive meaning. It is associated with control and emotional abuse by the professional communities of parenting and psychology.ime



The key to healing is acknowledging our experiences. Acknowledging our experience is NOT judging someone. There is no need to judge people. There is a need to acknowledge what happened to us and the effects of those experiences.
You seem to know you do need to validate what you experienced. Maybe you could start with dropping 'judgement' of yourself for needing that.
I also had the lingering effect of 'self abandonment' due to the abuse I suffered.
"Essentially, self-abandonment is when you reject, suppress or ignore part of yourself in real-time. In other words, you have a need or desire you want to meet, and (often on the spot) you make the decision not to meet it." from https://www.nami.org/Blogs/NAMI-Blog/April-2018/Are-You-a-Chronic-Self-Abandoner 

Yes yes i know it is a  negative term in psychology. Just me personally maybe i mean i am having a hard time somehow validating myself.

My mother she asked me in despair a few times what i did to distance myself.  She thinks im mentally ill and i get scared there ia aomething wrong with me. But i am asking myself if all this having me as a family ruiner and black sheep is even necessary. Im functional and hapilly married why on earth should there be something wrong with me.

So if i told her you were overprotective i see how all bells ring for hershe would say yes because i loved you, i tried my best etc.. And a part of me will then believe it. Why on earth i believe it? She made me her servant, anxiety for years, self image 0 and emotionally neglected me and did all so i feel less and futile. And i still feel pity for her being "overprotective" and feel for myself "huh you cant behave more friendly maybe she really just had a hard childhood".   

But i live in thwir apartment and in their job and have a hard time cutting with this. Materially they used to always gave me, in the sense that you said "our parents dont gave us nothing, now we gave you all" but there is a price to pay, and my mother said "you should be at least thankful". Scanning every day through job adds to leave the job in theor company and living in their apartmwnt and just waiting to go, no i am not thankful. Becauae what she gave me is just to be stuck in her tribe and adore her. Even if she doesnt say it, i know it. I just might think that because of this overprotection my mind is fogged and i cant leave. I cant really point out what is stopping me but this is what i live for - to go and be an adult. I havent opened the pandora box large enough i think, but i see developments just no critical mass hasnt accumulated yet.

I think i will be able to say hiw much overprptection played a role in this maybe when i am out and gain perspective.

As i said, maybe it is just how i get triggered. I want maybe all to use harsh words for what hurt me, overprotective sounds way too kind lol

[PeanutButter]

YES! This is articulated so well.

Growing up, I would say that my mother was overprotective in order to squash down the embarrassment I felt.

I had to accompany her everywhere so there was no time for me to go anywhere with friends. If my mother needed to go to the grocery store, I had to go with her. If I managed to get out of the house and stay with a friend, she was calling the friend's home phone telling their parents that I needed to come home, there was an emergency. The "emergency" was that she wanted to go CVS and wouldn't go without me. She manipulated my father when he came to pick me up for his visitation by going on long errands while he waited at her house for me. Then when I was with him she would constantly call and text.

I left her house on my 18th birthday at midnight and left her a note.

My grandfather (her father who lived with us at the time) told me that it almost killed her. She was in the hospital with elevated blood pressure and everything. She later said it was because she loved me so much and couldn't stand to lose me. I felt guilty but now I know... she felt like she was losing her hold on me and couldn't handle it. I was a part of her. Not in a sweet loving way, but in an unhealthy toxic way that she didn't want me to have any independence and never wanted me to leave her.

Thank you for sharing.
I too was ashamed of it. As if i had any say so. Ha! Not!
I and my husband both experienced that we 'betrayed and abandoned our mothers in such a way that their 'health' failed and never recovered' just from our trying to live independently after we turned 18.
My goodness our parents sound so much alike.

[Sidney37]

Yes!  My parents were overprotective, too.   It was mostly my uPDM, but on the rare occasion she wasn't my enD jumped in and said no.   As long as I was living at home (well after turning 18 - until i was almost 30 and defied her by going to graduate school) they told me I wasn't allowed to go on a summer vacation with friends, on a spring break trip (not MTV type Spring Break - I didn't even drink), any vacation that wasn't with them.   I was 28 years old!  I wasn't allowed to move out of their house and in with my best friend after college or even spend the night at a friend's house after I graduated from college.  There were financial consequences (she was on all of my accounts including my car) to everything to prevent  me from leaving.  She would not have gotten in the way if I married a specific guy from college who she thought she could bully, but he had a PD mother and PD fleas.   He lied to me to protect his mother constantly.  When i finally broke up with him PDm was furious.

The only trips away I managed to get permission to go on in school were church trips because she wouldn't tell the pastor no in most cases. it would have embarrassed her.  I threw myself head first into my church and religion to get away from her.   She wasn't allowed to chaperone church trips.   They had enough volunteers and I think the adults there knew what she was like.  Then I was nominated to go on a mission trip out of the country.  Nope, she had has every excuse under the sun why I couldn't go.   The one out of town high school field trip I went on she chaperoned otherwise I couldn't have gone.  My friends went on school field trips to Disney, Canada, Spain, big US cities.   Nope.   I wasn't allowed.  She was being overprotective because she "loved me so much"!

I heard from every relative and some church adults that she was overprotective because she loved me so much.   She explained it that I was an only and other parents had other children if one died   Now that I'm a parent of multiple children,  I see how crazy the idea of the other kids being "back up children" if the first died really is!

In order to marry my husband, I dropped out of grad school and moved across the country and into his apartment.  I only told her days ahead.  I didn't need her financial or physical help to move.  She was furious.  I moved to a major city.   She then started watching the news for that major city and calling constantly every time she heard about a crime or fire insisting I shouldn't leave the apartment.  Finally DH picked up the phone, told her that he read that there was a garbage fire in a town in the state where she lived (there was... 5 hours from her) and that she shouldn't leave her house either.   She was furious and used that as a reason DH was "sooooo meaaaaan" to her. 

I felt guilty for years that I shouldn't rebel against her overprotective ways.  It was because she loved me.  No, she cared about herself, her anxieties, her uncomfortable feelings.   I tell my daughter all of the time that my job is to teach her all of the skills she needs by the time she is 18-20 to be able to survive on her own.  She can still ask advice, but like some here said I'm working myself out of a job as they get older.  That's my job.  It's not to keep my kids trapped in my house till they are 30! 

And the few times I did try to do things on my own in my 20s (job, college in another state, job out of town) they didn't go well because I wasn't prepared for them.   She used that as proof as why I shouldn't leave her house. 

[11JB68]

I am not a Dr Phil fan, but I see value in this particular issue.
I feel like I experienced this as a kid.
Also have definitely seen it with uocpdh.
It's a matter of controlling the child for your own needs/purposes and like most other PD behaviors it's all arbitrary... No logic to it.

[PeanutButter]

Yes!  My parents were overprotective, too.   It was mostly my uPDM, but on the rare occasion she wasn't my enD jumped in and said no.   As long as I was living at home (well after turning 18 - until i was almost 30 and defied her by going to graduate school) they told me I wasn't allowed to go on a summer vacation with friends, on a spring break trip (not MTV type Spring Break - I didn't even drink), any vacation that wasn't with them.   I was 28 years old!  I wasn't allowed to move out of their house and in with my best friend after college or even spend the night at a friend's house after I graduated from college.  There were financial consequences (she was on all of my accounts including my car) to everything to prevent  me from leaving.  She would not have gotten in the way if I married a specific guy from college who she thought she could bully, but he had a PD mother and PD fleas.   He lied to me to protect his mother constantly.  When i finally broke up with him PDm was furious.

The only trips away I managed to get permission to go on in school were church trips because she wouldn't tell the pastor no in most cases. it would have embarrassed her.  I threw myself head first into my church and religion to get away from her.   She wasn't allowed to chaperone church trips.   They had enough volunteers and I think the adults there knew what she was like.  Then I was nominated to go on a mission trip out of the country.  Nope, she had has every excuse under the sun why I couldn't go.   The one out of town high school field trip I went on she chaperoned otherwise I couldn't have gone.  My friends went on school field trips to Disney, Canada, Spain, big US cities.   Nope.   I wasn't allowed.  She was being overprotective because she "loved me so much"!

I heard from every relative and some church adults that she was overprotective because she loved me so much.   She explained it that I was an only and other parents had other children if one died   Now that I'm a parent of multiple children,  I see how crazy the idea of the other kids being "back up children" if the first died really is!

In order to marry my husband, I dropped out of grad school and moved across the country and into his apartment.  I only told her days ahead.  I didn't need her financial or physical help to move.  She was furious.  I moved to a major city.   She then started watching the news for that major city and calling constantly every time she heard about a crime or fire insisting I shouldn't leave the apartment.  Finally DH picked up the phone, told her that he read that there was a garbage fire in a town in the state where she lived (there was... 5 hours from her) and that she shouldn't leave her house either.   She was furious and used that as a reason DH was "sooooo meaaaaan" to her. 

I felt guilty for years that I shouldn't rebel against her overprotective ways.  It was because she loved me.  No, she cared about herself, her anxieties, her uncomfortable feelings.   I tell my daughter all of the time that my job is to teach her all of the skills she needs by the time she is 18-20 to be able to survive on her own.  She can still ask advice, but like some here said I'm working myself out of a job as they get older.  That's my job.  It's not to keep my kids trapped in my house till they are 30! 

And the few times I did try to do things on my own in my 20s (job, college in another state, job out of town) they didn't go well because I wasn't prepared for them.   She used that as proof as why I shouldn't leave her house.

Im so sorry you experienced this. Is sound very hard. Im so glad you finally broke away. Great job!

[PeanutButter]

I am not a Dr Phil fan, but I see value in this particular issue.
I feel like I experienced this as a kid.
Also have definitely seen it with uocpdh.
It's a matter of controlling the child for your own needs/purposes and like most other PD behaviors it's all arbitrary... No logic to it.

Yes it was very valuable information to me.
I was not ever a fan either. Ironically my uhpdS was a fanatic. She watched him every day from the first show on.
I only recently started watching particular subject shows on his you tube.
At least on the family dysfunction and addiction I have to say what I hear on the show supports the techniqes and strategies taught here on the forum.
Funny I told my H I couldnt believe my uhpdS watched all of his show for years and didnt ever recognise any of her dysfunctions to work on improving.
PS Dr Phil is an ACOA. His father was an alcoholic. He said nothing he ever did was good enough to receive his fathers approval. Even after his success with having his own show, writing books, and everthing he did, his dad died without ever even one single time in his life tellling him he was proud or that he did good.
He said he has surrounded himself with people who emotionally support him and daily give him what he didn't ever get from his father.

[Psuedonym]

I call it Emotional Munchausen by Proxy. You have a parent who fills your head with toxic ideas and teaches you things like self-loathing. For instance, some other things I heard growing up were "in case you don't succeed just give because life is just too hard", that people who are happy or successful are "Just lucky, especially if they are beautiful (and don't you wish you were beautiful because obviously you aren't), and that "there was no point at all to life so just do whatever you can to make yourself (well herself) feel better".

And then when you wind up with a very depressed and dysfunctional kid, you pat yourself on the back for being such a wonderful and supportive mother, because obviously there's something inherently wrong with you and it couldn't possibly be related to them or their behavior.

It's completely nuts.

One thing I find interesting is that in our society, its kind of a no brainer to assume that an abusive and insecure person would deliberately undermine their spouse's self esteem and confidence in order to assure that they never left them. That's kind of abuse 101 and nobody would argue with you that that happens all the time. But if you suggest that a person might do those things to their children, because their emotional neediness trumps everything else, you'll often get this horrified reaction like: nooooo, mothers (and fathers) only want whats best for their children. That can't be right. Like magically people change when they have kids and are suddenly selfless and saintlike. Its really crazy making.

Great thread! Thanks for starting it!

[PeanutButter]

I call it Emotional Munchausen by Proxy. You have a parent who fills your head with toxic ideas and teaches you things like self-loathing. For instance, some other things I heard growing up were "in case you don't succeed just give because life is just too hard", that people who are happy or successful are "Just lucky, especially if they are beautiful (and don't you wish you were beautiful because obviously you aren't), and that "there was no point at all to life so just do whatever you can to make yourself (well herself) feel better".

And then when you wind up with a very depressed and dysfunctional kid, you pat yourself on the back for being such a wonderful and supportive mother, because obviously there's something inherently wrong with you and it couldn't possibly be related to them or their behavior.

It's completely nuts.

One thing I find interesting is that in our society, its kind of a no brainer to assume that an abusive and insecure person would deliberately undermine their spouse's self esteem and confidence in order to assure that they never left them. That's kind of abuse 101 and nobody would argue with you that that happens all the time. But if you suggest that a person might do those things to their children, because their emotional neediness trumps everything else, you'll often get this horrified reaction like: nooooo, mothers (and fathers) only want whats best for their children. That can't be right. Like magically people change when they have kids and are suddenly selfless and saintlike. Its really crazy making.

Great thread! Thanks for starting it!

Wow i hadn't thought of that. It really is like 'emotional Munchousen by proxy'.
Yep my experience has been people dont want to hear about mothers being anything but 'saintly'.
"No way a mother acted selfishly, it must have been for your own good. Plus you should not be 'judging' or 'blaming' your parents for anything. They had only good intentions!
They had you as the result of unprotected sex! They fed, clothed, and kept a roof over your head till your senior year of high school! They now have a station forever upon 'THE' pedalstal! Status: SUPERADULT!"
It makes me crazy too. 

[LoverofPeace]

Hello PeanutButter and Everyone,

Happy Mother's Day to all those GOOD mothers out there. Don't mean to sound judgmental, but I felt that I had to make an emphasis on that word because we are faced with the daily truth of knowing there is a big distinction of a woman simply having a child, and one who consciously intends to raise a child in a healthy way. In my eyes, the good mothers are not perfect, but the ones who should be applauded for ultimately being unselfish; regardless of their own upbringing.

With that said, I was reading this eye-opening thread--haven't had a chance to read of all the replies yet as I have intense studying going on with college courses, and I couldn't wait to jump in here, as I had a revelation thanks to PeanutButter!

I remember talking to my mother about this story that was in the news many years ago; it was about an abusive husband and wife (or were they longtime lovers?). In a nutshell (I don't exaggerate when I say "nut"), the husband was an abusive narcissist on the malignant end of the spectrum, because he blinded the wife with acid; and the wife stayed to take care of him (believe he got sick, or something), even though she was blinded by him! So, my mother says "amusingly" something to the effect of, "I can see how he did that, to make her stay with him..." and I emphatically replied that that was unacceptable and that a person's a** would be in jail (I believe he did go himself as a result, and they got back together after he got out)!

That was some years ago, and I never forgot that conversation. Even scares me now and though I don't see her doing something like that, it helped to fuel my distrust for others (I am very discerning), including her of course. The upside is she is too old now (82 years), and has had hip and back surgeries; can't move like that anymore and is bent over. Still, I keep eyes peeled at all times and for overall reasons, haven't even been to her house for over a year. Plus, there's her NPD, golden, flying monkey of a child I told y'all about and that I don't want contact with.

I don't want anyone to think I'm being threatened or anything; it's more about the stuff that comes out of their mouths due to their mindset. But we're actually cordial nowadays because I know my boundaries as a result of my learning about NPD. My mother is more teenager-like now and talks more like she is naïve/tends to act more reckless with herself (I have put the brakes on her thinking this is normal and doing stuff to me); and trying to figure things out at times.

I find this whole NPD thing that lies on a spectrum spooky at times. And PeanutButter, you were saying that these type of parents who are overprotective say it's in the name of love. Boy, isn't that the truth; I don't know why society still seems blind to it. Though, the internet is revealing really good lessons about NPD and for that I am grateful! In my mother's case, she does get that way, but she also can be on the other end of the spectrum; i.e., growing up, I didn't have strict weekend curfews (just make sure to go to school or expected to work starting at 16; okay, that's good), no overly strict household rules (had to rotate with other sisters in doing the dishes, another good discipline); but still didn't want me to move out when the time came (wanted to be out at 21 and she gave me a hard time; I didn't leave until 29 due to her drinking habit and my co-dependence; she finally "understood" but had a hand in finding the place I live in now-though I take care of it and me). More recently, I feel disregarded when it comes to doing something for her too; i.e., had to go into a dark unlocked apartment by myself to secure her turtle and things when she was in the hospital from falling/EMS breaking in to get her and leaving the locks broken. She asked if her things were okay rather than me (that was one of the last straws/times I have been there)! I don't mind that she cared about the turtle though; an innocent being that actually made me feel she can have some compassion.

So, my mom seems to be a mixed bag of these things. Anyone experience that; not always one way, but fluctuating from seemingly normal, to overprotective, to being reckless with you?

Thanks for this great revelation PeanutButter. Every day I learn, the closer I feel to healing!  (Might be a back and forth process at times).

P.S. I am glad to be able to get this thought out, because when I would think about it, I'd think it would be hard to talk about to someone. Someone even mentioned Misery; I just realized her character may be based on a malignant Narc! Wonder how many like that are out here! 

[nanotech]

My parents too. I was never allowed on school trips and couldn't have friends round. They had some ridiculous rules on safety.
The concept of the little girl inside mum needing to be soothed and using overprotective ness of her kids to do this? This resonates with me.
There was a lot of overprotective ness until I got to 12. Then it was
' Get a job'  Say you are 13 if need be.'  ( it was the 70s so casual jobs for teenagers were common, but I was a very immature 12 year old )
All of a sudden I was working in a hotel!
Of course I was useless because my mum had never taught me how to do anything practical 'in case you hurt yourself.'
She liked having control of the kitchen and  also never let me help with younger siblings because she told me, 'you are not capable.'
So I was unconfident and inexperienced.
Guess what! I lost that job! I cried all the way home.
Mum rang the hotel to see why I'd lost it! Um because I didn't have a clue what I was doing mum?
A couple of years later I was pursued by an older boy. ( I know. He was clearly a lot older and worldly wise. That should have been enough to ring massive alarm bells).
Very early on he wanted to meet my family . (another red flag anyone?). Of course being PDs they were flattered, and my mum was totally charmed by him. He was very charismatic.
She said how sorry she felt for him because he had been in care. My mum's dad had abandoned their family when she was 9 . My mum never got over him leaving. She tended to view males as more valuable and she made it clear I wasn't to finish with him. She said as much. There was no supervision of our dates, I could stay out quite late. She said she knew I wasn't in danger because I was with him. But he WAS the danger. So despite mum's previous huge fussing over safety, she  completely failed to protect me when I needed her to the most.
2 years of sexual, emotional and physical abuse followed.
Looking back, I could never understand why her extreme safety habits didn't seem to extend to an obvious subject-her daughter's boyfriends. But reading this has made me see that his presence in the family could well have soothed the abandonment scars of that lost little girl in her.
He really was very charming with her, to the point almost, of flirting. I didn't see it at the time but now when I look back it was blatant flirting- my mum was only in her late thirties.
Despite the fact that he was eventually charged with assaulting me, my mum missed him when it finished
-and I got the blame both for 'bringing him home' but also for not 'keeping' him.
Very weird , my family!
Years later mum stated how she wondered how he was getting along and how she still felt sorry for him. My kids were running round  and their granny was talking affectionally about the man who had abused their mother. Older sister was also there,  and she chimed in too with sympathy for him. I felt like my only worth had been to bring him into the family, and that I hadn't been able to please him enough for the relationship to work out.
I got blamed for my own abuse. This is someone who, apart from the sexual and emotional damage, split my lip open, knocked me senseless and kicked me in the stomach when I tried I leave him.

Mum made exactly the same mistake years later when  my younger sis was pursued by another charmer.
I and my older sibling saw through him, but mum was having none of it. She spent all sorts of money on him and all the while he was abusing my sister. Months after it was over, when mum spoke of it to my sister, she would refer to it as my sister's' mistake'.
She was 17 when that happened to her.
Yeh gods.
So yeh, safety first -until it suits them to Chuck their kids right under that bus!