Have to 'play her game' and I hate it

[TheEscapeArtist]

My L tells me that these days courts tend to go for shared care.

At mediation I put in my proposal for DD5 to stay with me 3 to 4 days a week while uPDXG suggests 1 day a fortnight with me.

The mediator tells her that courts tend to go for shared care.

So far so good. But then X starts trying to lay down her rules without which I will get no overnight contact.

1.   I am not to drink alcohol while DD is with me (I only have like 1 glass of wine a week when I find the time to cook me a posh dinner, but she doesn't drink at all therefore it's the one thing she really feels she can get me on)

2.   She has this super new-fangled bedtime routine and she is concerned that I won't be able to replicate it
So the mediator says I should agree to the not drinking thing (which is fine) and suggests I should go round to watch the super new bedtime routine one night so that I know how it works.

I don't mind the requests, even though they're plainly daft.  But what really annoyed me is the way she was implying that I was some well-meaning but basically unfit useless drunken father who needed support and guidance on how to look after his child.  And the mediator was backing her up! 

Bear in mind I've put DD to bed every night for 5 years because she was always too tired/stressed/lazy to do it!

Anyway I have a quiet word with the mediator on my own and explain that she is still trying to bully and control me and it's really important for my development to practice standing up to her rather than appeasing.  I say if I give in to her demands this week she will just make more demands next week.  I also say she's doing all the talking and I can't get a word in edgeways.

The mediator says she thinks its going really well but that if I want to give up and go to court it's up to me.

I was really upset, I felt like I wasn't being listened to and gaslit by the pair of them. But last night I had this eureka moment.  If it goes to court (as long as a court date is soon) the judge will probably rule something along the lines of my shared care model.  I am being the reasonable one, therefore the mediator doesn't have to work on me.  It's all about X's concerns because she is the one that has to shift her position if court is to be avoided.

So I realise I have to just play the game and go along with the silly rules for now because that's the only way to avoid court. Once we have an agreement in place and DD is staying with me regularly I can get on with parallel parenting and do what I think is best.

And I really want to reach agreement at mediation, not just because going to court is expensive and stressful, but because at the moment courts are backed up for 6+ months and by the time I get there if I am still only seeing DD for 8 hours a week then the court might decide that moving to shared care is too disruptive.

It just annoys me because I'm having to 'play the game', and pretend I agree with her silly rules just to avoid conflict and speed up a resolution. I wish we could all just be honest and work out our differences like grown ups, but I know that will never be and that makes me sad.

[athene1399]

SO had the original custody agreement in place before I came into the picture. I don't think SO and BM did mediation. I think they just went to court. But from what I've read others say about mediation coupled with my experience with BM (BPDxw), they make up all these demands that are for you to follow and them to maybe follow if it is convenient for them. I agree with you .It is frustrating.

When BM took SO back to court while we were together, his L agree to one of her demands "as a show of good faith" but when it was up to BM to follow the rule she came up with, she never did. But if she thought SO wasn't following it she flipped her lid. It's just how it is.

It also seems to me from what I've read on here is that mediation only works when both parties can compromise and agree. From my experience with BM, it is impossible to get her to compromise. But I wonder if you can agree to the first two conditions IF she agrees to your proposed schedule. But if these are two things you aren't okay with, then let it go to court. However, you said court is backlogged. Are you allowed to get split/even visitation until then?

I honestly feel that court has no idea how to deal with PDs and IMO doesn't want to deal with them. they'd rather us all agree which usually means the non parent has to cave. It isn't fair. I found it incredibly irksome. And when the PD parent doesn't follow the court agreement, your only real option is to take them back to court (which is expensive). And from what I've read on this forum, that doesn't always work either. Because they can chose to continue to not listen to the order. SO chose not to take BM to court when she didn't follow the agreement. We only went to court when BM petitioned for something.

You seem to have really good insight about your situation and your possibilities. Just remember to trust your gut. If you think your x is trying to manipulate you (or the mediator), she probably is. You could always also check with an L to see what your options are if it goes to court.

[TheEscapeArtist]

I'm going to let her have her way for now. She'll find other obstacles as soon as these ones are cleared. Hopefully the mediator will then finally see through her.

In the meantime my L says we should have a decent agreement in place by the time I move into my new house in 2 weeks time. Which means my X needs to reach agreement next week. L says if she doesn't we'll take it from there. Not sure exactly what that means but I assume it means at least the threat of court.

As you say the big problem is there's no negotiation with a PD. They can't apply the rational thought process that tells them when it's in their own best interest to concede. One of the worries I had when I was still in the fog was that she would never ever understand even a fraction of my pov, and would paint me as the bad guy for ever. I'm beginning to come to terms with that now though.

[hhaw]

A children's forensic Psychologist once told me the normal parent playdates the PDparent or attempts to assert control in the courtroom. 

Neither choice is a good choice.

It's difficult to accept the new norm....mitigating harm to the children, IME.

You gather your evidence, hire a competent attorney, maybe get experts, witnesses
and advocates on your child's side......and you make your stand as best you can, then live with it.

While doing it, you try to remain level, always speak about the PD with compassion, speak without expectation and present your facts with brevity....give only the burger, may be the bun, and never the condiments.

Keep it short and simple.

Shield the children from the adult conflict as you can, but explain it, sans emotion, when the kids ask for clarity.

You hope the children learn from the situation, and you pray they're more resilient for it. 

[Penny Lane]

Hi Escape Artist,
I just came by to let you know that you are not alone, that this part of your divorce is so, so hard!

On one hand, you are trying to heal and come Out of the FOG. That means noticing how often your ex lies, finding people who are firmly on your side, standing up to her, etc.

At the same time, you are forced to go through this court process, where the best strategy is to at least pretend that you think you can work together to find a solution, where she can sometimes lie without consequence and which is frankly not a very conducive environment to healing. And making it even worse is that the court stuff is very important because it will determine how you can see and raise your own child!

My point is not to freak you out. It's that it's not just you, this is awful for anyone.

My advice is to mentally categorize thing in your head. THIS action is designed to promote my healing. THAT action is designed to advance my court strategy.

In healing, it's all about setting boundaries and being firm and not letting her feel like she can push you around. In mediation, your best bet (although this isn't always possible) is to get what you want while flying under the radar and letting her feel like she "won."

As a tangent, I will tell you what we have learned about provisions like "no drinking alcohol" and "must use this specific bedtime routine": They're basically unenforceable. To be able to prove to the court that you're NOT doing this, she would have to stalk you and spy on you so badly that then she would become the target of scrutiny. That cuts both ways. I always tell people on here to not push for unenforceable provisions in negotiations because your ex definitely won't follow them. And it's not great to include unenforceable provisions that the other party wants, because they're going to as I said try to stalk you and spy on you in order to show that you're not following it while not following it themselves. (I guarantee you that she will not be using this new bedtime routine in a year).

But if you have to give up something ... you conceded on two dumb, unenforceable, temporary clauses in exchange for a reasonable first custody schedule. I think you made a GREAT deal. Not a great deal if you were negotiating with a reasonable coparent, but a great deal when negotiating with a PD. The place to put your foot down is exactly where you did - if she's being unreasonable about parenting time or some other major issue (medical, education, etc.)

I'm sorry this is so hard. I can tell you from my husband's experience as well as lots of people on this board, your life will get better, and a lot better, once this hardest part is over. You can get through this!

[TheEscapeArtist]

The way I'm seeing this I have no choice but to concede to her demands at this point, because the mediator is backing her

I think the mediator thinks if I give in to her silly rules then she will just roll over and accept shared care. I think the mediator thinks that this is the transaction we have agreed.

But X hasn't stated that. X has named her price but not her offer.  I'm more than happy to concede the unenforceable points in order to reach agreement. But an agreement isn't on offer. All X is doing is trying to kick the can down the road...

But you are all correct. I need to focus on staying calm and appearing reasonable. I need to understand how the system works and adjust my behaviour to suit the system. That's not my style, but that's how I achieve the best outcome for my daughter. So that's what I need to do.

Thanks all. You have no idea how much this place is keeping me sane. I'm fortunate enough to have family and friends who are on my side, which is lovely, but none of them really understand. Here I feel understood. Which is soooo important...

[Stepping lightly]

Hi TEA,

Agree with all the posts below, sadly, they force you to engage in their game against your will.   I think agreeing to the 2 minor requests shows you are reasonable and aren't there to create conflict- you just want time with your daughter.  It's possible your ex will come back with more demands, maybe bigger ones.  Having conceded to the first 2, it gives a lot more room for you to say no to anything else and still be the agreeable one.  SHE will be the disagreeable one if she keeps moving the goal post and playing with you.

I would say #1 priority is getting shared time, everything else can be dealt with later. 

[TheEscapeArtist]

Thanks Stepping lightly. At the last mediation session she finally begrudgingly accepted that DD5 could stay with me overnight. Only 2 nights out of 14, not the 7/14 I'm trying to negotiate but it's better than nothing and is at least a start.

But then after mediation she looked at the pics of my new house she made me send her and decided that DD5's room is too close to the top of the stairs. I can't really change that though!

I could put a stair gate up but she's not a baby, and again every thing I give in to is just a green light for her to demand something else and delay some more..

I think I will get there. But it really is like pulling teeth. We might have a satisfactory arrangement by Xmas 2021!

[TheEscapeArtist]

The mediator keeps saying to her, "I understand what you're saying but the courts will probably award The Escape Artist more time than that. At which point uPDx dramatically declares that the mediator is attacking her.

Trying to look at the positives I think this is probably happening at the right time. 20 or even 10 years ago the assumption would have been very much that the child should predominantly stay with the mother regardless so I should be thankful for small mercies

[hhaw]

Placate.....not playdate the pd.

The PD usually can't control themselves, so we do ourselves a great service IF we remain calm, polite and consistent always, IME.

Especially when things seem bleak....we hold it together, bc the pd likely won't when they have a bad day with the mediator/ Judge/ attorney/ child T, IME.

[TheEscapeArtist]

Placate.....not playdate the pd.

Ah I did wonder... 

Yes I must remember to keep calm in the face of adversity. Is for the best.

Her latest demand is that I don't do any work in the evenings when DD is staying with me. And she's not talking about when I'm supposed to be looking after her. She's talking about once DD is in bed.

Once DD is sleeping what difference does it make whether I'm watching telly, reading a book or writing a report for the boss ?

She just sent an email with that demand and copied the mediator who I am hoping will put her straight on that one!

[hhaw]

NOT an enforceable demand, I think.

[athene1399]

I'm not sure if this is helpful, but IMO her ridiculous demands make it look like she is more interested in controlling you then doing things that are in the best interest of DD. I hope that one day you will be able to use that to your advantage and be able to get equal time with DD. Maybe keep a paper trail of her demands so that if you have to show it to a judge one day, hopefully he or she will come to the same conclusion and you will be awarded more time with DD, even if mediation doesn't work out.

Just while this game is going on, don't forget to take time to do things for you to help prevent burnout. Dealing with a PD ex can be so stressful.

[Stepping lightly]

Yeah, that's pretty clearly a PD demand.  Assuming your job is not like knife throwing or something, her request is unreasonable.   She can't dictate every minute of your time while DD is with you.  At the end of the day, she has to agree you are a suitable parent, and if she doesn't- then off to court you go for a judge to decide (and having documentation of this demand is pretty golden as it's very unreasonable).  Her most current request would impact your ability to make a living, which is unethical as it in no way improves the quality of DD's life/experience/safety/health. 

[Penny Lane]

I think it's reasonable to point out that you're supposed to be NEGOTIATING, not just listing demands. If she wants you to agree to something, you will consider an offer that comes with parenting time or something else you want. If she won't make any offers, just demands, then it's time to go to court because she has been stonewalling you access to your daughter for way too long.

You're not doing anything wrong here! My point is that she's being totally unreasonable, and she might not ever be intending to negotiate parenting time in good faith, just string you along. Sometimes taking the next step (filing a motion in court, or whatever) forces the PD to come back to the table.

[DetachedAndEngaged]

I agree with Penny Lane.

Although going to court is costly and stressful, if it comes to that it will pay off both emotionally and financially in the long run. 6+ months of waiting for a court hearing won't seem that long 10+ years from now. Better if you don't have to wait those months, but stay focused on the long-term interests of your child.

Family court judges have seen and heard it all. If you think you are sick of your ex's PD nonsense, imagine how the judge feels having experienced 100x's that in their career. They will understand that having a beer and answering work emails while your kid is fast asleep do not constitute abusive parenting.

Critical to getting as much as you can out of mediation is making it clear that you are not afraid to take it before a judge. Patience is of the essence. The party who is more desperate to settle always gives up more than they had to.

That doesn't mean bluster and threaten, but stick to your guns. Always offer less than you are willing to accept. Don't yearn for the mediator's approval of your position. If the mediator is completely comfortable with what you are asking, you are most likely selling yourself short. Mediators are trying to get agreement above all else and if they sense one party is more pliable they will push on that side to get closure.

I've never had to deal with family court myself, but I've watched friends go through it and been personally involved in a fair amount of commercial litigation. My observation is that unreasonable people are shocked at how judges react to their BS. That goes 10x for PDs. Cool, calm and collected goes a long way. Sounds like you've been comporting yourself like a champ.

You are seeking what is best for your child. Good on you. If the mediator thinks that is unreasonable, so be it.