Narc Mother and Sister are Truly and Sadly Sick

[LoverofPeace]

After Lord only knows how long it has been--actually, since Mother's Day with my narc mother and Father's Day with my passive aggressive narc grandmother, I called my mother today. Why, oh freakin' why?

Some history before proceeding; last year in May, my grandmother was in the hospital after having heart surgery. My narc sister comes from out of town and I meet her and the narc mom at the hospital to see this grandmother. She was already acting narcish, or weird in other words, when she texted me earlier to ask that I come with her to get our nails done, because she was in severe need of a manicure! And that she was glad I was coming out, as if this was really about seeing her and not the grandmother at the hospital. I didn't even respond, but knew this visit was going to be aggravating as hell. And to say the least...

So, (as posted last year) at the hospital, all was well until out of nowhere, the sister started in on me why I haven't moved for years (mind you, I own my own co-op apartment) and didn't suggest, but practically demanded that I use my equity to find something else, preferably in the next town. Then she marches out of the room to go buy something for the grandma  while I was answering back. Nuts.

Later while driving her and the mom back, she started in on me again, this time about an ex-friend of mine  (a whole other related issue as she is also my mother's neighbor and somewhat instrusive in my family business which makes it even worse, thus the 'ex').

I basically said she is minding her business and to mind hers. She yelled from the back seat F** you and I yelled that back saying B**, because I was tired from the time she got to town (and years before that). That's when she pulled my hair and hit me in the back of the head WHILE I'm driving. I stopped the car and tried to twist around to get at her, but hurt my back and said so. She was satisfied with this, saying "good" and bolts out of the car demanding to get out.

So, the mother, who was due soon for surgery herself, is going to me how she is wrong for what she did; I noticed she  only said that because when she was getting on me at the hospital and left the room while I was trying to reply, I turned to the mother and said that if she didn't speak up for me like she did her, I was going to disown her. I was seriously tired of the disrespect and disregard.

Back at the car, I could take no more after I didn't know whether I was seriously hurt because of my back; didn't know if I could move my legs which frightened me at first! By the grace of God, I was able to get out the car to face her and let's just say I did what I needed to do to stop her. I know you may be astonished, and so was I that this was even happening. The mother is yelling to stop it, though she is the Queen Narc and thus had been instigating this. I was busy thinking how she could've shut it down a long time ago by not letting her think these things she pulls is okay! But again, she has always loved creating the conflicts that this weak minded sister eats right on up.

Fast forward back to now, it's been VLC, especially with this sister and mother. So I made this once in a blue moon call to the mother and as usual as if we just talked yesterday, she launches right in about this sister. And it turns out the sister is getting a divorce from her wonderful husband, moving back to town in the coming month or months and already has new male companion supply that lives in my town. Crazy, right? I think this mother expected me to sound surprised, but I really wasn't.

She had the narc nerve to tell me I was 'still' holding a grudge against this sister, I guess after not sounding so concerned. I told her in an even tone that they may call it a grudge, I cannot help or control how they see it, but I call it keeping myself out of harm's way and that it wasn't even up for debate; because I know she expects me to be in contact with her. Hell, I'm barely in touch with her own self! Also, I said I didn't appreciate how they have treated me after years of supporting them with situations.

So, I'd like to ask what you guys think? Did I say the right things, or give this narc mother too much information about staying out of the way to keep from being harmed and not appreciating the bad treatment; as these narcs love using that against us? Or, should I get something clear with both her and this sis who is supposedly moving back here, that I will not be bothered with them? Any other insights?

Thanks for shedding any light, as of course my goal is to keep myself safe and at peace.

P.S. I used to work at keeping things from spiraling out of control, but learned to relax, just work on myself by meditating, interacting with Out of the FOG and other online tools, going back to school, being more positive (a.k.a. getting rid of the fleas the narc tend to leave on us) and just letting the chips fall as they may. And though I felt some fog come rolling back in after that call, I am feeling calmer now due to my efforts. But I still don't like that every time I let go, it seems something drastic comes up like this sister getting a divorce after about 20 years and seemingly putting down stakes back in town with this new supply of hers and continue her mess. WTF? You can't make this ish up. 

[bunnie]

I love your screen name.
I think you handled your sister and mother very well.  I do think you said things "right".  However, it doesn't matter if you said the right things at the right time or any of that.  PDs don't abide by social rules and we shouldn't worry about what they think. We have to manage them in ways that result in peace and health for ourselves first. They are counting on us to carefully consider/second guess our responses as it gives them time to abuse. I would keep it simple with sis and mom.  "I don't appreciate the way you treat me and I won't tolerate it anymore!"  When they want to debate and ask for an explanation, tell them it is not open to discussion.  When/if sis wants to grow up and have a mutually respectful relationship, maybe you'll have the option to reconsider things.
It's insane that sis assaulted you! I'm sorry that happened and know how hurtful it must have been.  I, too, deal with an Nsis (lucky us).

[Lilyloo]

You did handle it the right way!  How horrible for your sister to do that to you I am sorry you went through that. My PD mother has her GC son that she defends!   It seems the same with your sister and your mother. Best wishes and 

[LoverofPeace]

Thank you both, Bunnie and LindaLoo,

At the time of the assault, yes it was devastating both physically and verbally; yet, I did get the best of her. I should be saying that I'm not proud of it, but I am. Not because of revenge like they love to exhibit, but because I had promised that I would stand up for myself and I did when I knocked her out with one solid punch. The weird thing is just when I thought she wouldn't be able to move, she slowly got up like an alien or something with a strange look of what seemed like relief! I remember thinking what I learned about that; that once their rampages hits its climax, they become almost relieved. Have you heard or seen that? So, I knew 1000% that I was dealing with narcs and probably another disorder like BPD. My dramatic mother was screaming like a siren and child.

Of course, they'll never get diagnosed. If anything, this sis kept yelling that 'see I told you she was crazy' (projecting); even claiming that 2 weeks later when she kept wanting to reach out to me on the phone to 'apologize', yet saying I needed therapy (more projecting). I just calmly said, 'Ok' and gone NC ever since. Actually, I did decide to do therapy for a couple of sessions, before the school semester began, in order to help me heal from all of this mess, so that nut of a sis must be afraid of it and what she'd discover about herself.

And rest assured, I don't second guess the NC I related to my reckless mother. I was wondering if I gave her TOO much ammunition with my choice of words. I like your advice to keep it short and sweet. I'm a work in progress but getting better at it!

So glad I found this site and other tools. It's what is helping me tremendously in growing and healing.

I feel lighter and freer and will only keep looking ahead and happy for what I've been building!

My next hurdle is finding a better group of people to surround myself with after letting go of alot of my old ones over time; otherwise, it's been a lonely journey lately. Unfair how the narcs receive more support and I have to struggle for it. I am learning to just relax and release, and I'm sure those authentic people will materialize.

God is great and helps those who help themselves. So, though sometimes I may have my fears, I no longer am in despair. And I have you wonderful people here on Out of the FOG!

Thank you again!