I can't take it any more

seafarer · March 30, 2022, 11:14:34 AM

I believe I have given my marriage my best effort. My PWBPD is causing me so much stress that it is affecting my emotional and physical health. I have sacrificed my family and friends to try to maintain the relationship and still I deal with the jealousy and insecurity issues from her. I now have many of the same or similar issues. Time to bail for my on health.

JustKeepTrying · March 30, 2022, 02:15:40 PM

Dear Seafarer,

I am going to walk a fine line here because I noticed that posted in Committed and working on it - I don't want to encourage divorce and while I am divorced - it was with great thought and out of physical need.

I was married for more than 30 years to my xOCPDh. It was very abusive and in the end I struggle with PTSD as well as autoimmune diseases and stage IV cancer. I once spoke at length with my oncologist as I tried to understand where cancer came from - his words - "long term exposure to stress - constant pumping of adrenaline and the low/spikes of cortisol - all account for the majority of this type of cancer occurrence". Chilling for me. It was not until I was experiencing daily seizures and bouts of aphasia and went to a neurologist who after months of testing came back with a PTSD diagnosis - that I realized I was married to an abusive man. I am, by the way, in remission and my seizures are few and far between. I am living on my own and doing very well.

I share this not as an advocate of divorce, but as a person who is the embodiment of the body keeping score. I am the physical proof that long-term stress can adversely affect your health.

Please read the tools through here, and read them again as many times as you need to get through this rough period. Also talk to a lawyer and really understand the process of this procedure. It is different from country to county and state to state. There are great resources here and I hope you find some help.

seafarer · March 30, 2022, 05:47:30 PM

I had filed for divorce several months ago and then at the last minute reconciled and tried to save my marriage. I was in counseling and she started counseling. Things did improve and at times things are/were great. That said, at least once weekly she would split and accuse me of having affairs, accuse me of not communicating, and try to isolate me. The stress I was and still feel is more than I want to endure for the rest of my life. I called my attorney today and will be moving forward with the divorce.

All the while she is blowing up my phone telling me how much she loves me one minute and the next saying terrible things about me. I so wish I had not given things another try.

escapingman · March 31, 2022, 03:40:44 AM

Don't blame yourself seafarer, you are a good guy and of course you wanted to give her and the marriage another chance. You are probably trauma bonded and are addicted to her and her drama. I left my STBX twice last year, came back and gave her another chance after her promises of change, the first time she lasted a month, the second 3 days. I then contacted a solicitor 6 months later and let her know I wanted a divorce, she again begged for another chance, this time I knew it had come to and end but still gave her the chance with a view to wait until she dropped her mask, which she did and then I filed.

What I am trying to say, it's not your fault, but she won't change so please be brave and push through with the divorce you already started.

I wish you the best of luck!

seafarer · March 31, 2022, 08:10:57 AM

Last night she was blowing up my phone, so I turned my phone off. This morning, I got a message from her asking about her insurance cards. She was in the ER. Not sure what I was supposed to do, drop everything and run to her or stay away. I chose to stay away. She has someone with her, I expect her daughter. This is not going to be easy. And yes, I am going to stay the course on the divorce.

SonofThunder · March 31, 2022, 01:09:07 PM

Quote from: seafarer on March 31, 2022, 08:10:57 AM
Last night she was blowing up my phone, so I turned my phone off. This morning, I got a message from her asking about her insurance cards. She was in the ER. Not sure what I was supposed to do, drop everything and run to her or stay away. I chose to stay away. She has someone with her, I expect her daughter. This is not going to be easy. And yes, I am going to stay the course on the divorce.

Seafarer, im sorry you are experiencing all this turmoil and i wish you the best on your journey to freedom.

With regard to the ER; my uPDw uses medical drama as a devalue/idealize combo test technique when she believes Its beneficial for her needs and will attempt to put me in her measured triple-bind 1. My emotional concern/care 2. My physical time/effort 3. My money (tied to #1). Usually her medical 'emergency' is something that doctors cant measure, such as a migraine or chest pain, and then she adds "worst one ive ever had" and "cant breathe" or "feels like heart will explode out of chest".

From a liability standpoint, she knows those three patient statements will cause the ER to put her through/offer a series of tests (heart and head scans) and the costs go through the roof. With insurance approval/disapprovals and copays and these procedures, she tests my willingness to 1,2,3 on the spot in the ER in front of the audience of medical personnel who might be saying (for liability reasons) "we can do an MRI and take a look since you say its the worst one you ever had". My uPDw will turn to me with that look and say "i want to be sure... 🤕".

I always place all responsibility immediately back on her for any decision on HER medical care, and i take a balanced approach on 1 and 2. With regard to #3, i remember the 50% rule here at Out of the FOG and consider that in a divorce, my uPDw will get half. Therefore half of the cost of an MRI is hers to spend.

When its over and the docs cant find anything and say "probably anxiety", i get the hefty bill and my uPDw thanks me for caring so much ❤️ (idealize), hoping her drama has caused the past to erase so we can start over. Nope.

I just remain in balanced indifference and discard. Wash, rinse, repeat.

I say all this to bring it to your attention that medical drama can be very timely with PD's. Now if its a real event and not PD drama or neglectful/purposeful medical situation, then that is altogether different. I experience both.

SoT

seafarer · March 31, 2022, 03:00:22 PM

Thanks Son of Thunder. I really am trying to determine if this is for real or not. I am proceeding very cautiously. She had an MRI and she texted me that it explains everything. I will be able to talk with her soon. What I do know is that she is not so bad off that she couldn't go shopping afterward and buy a cute outfit. She said that made her feel better.

SonofThunder · April 01, 2022, 06:48:39 AM

Quote from: seafarer on March 31, 2022, 03:00:22 PM
Thanks Son of Thunder. I really am trying to determine if this is for real or not. I am proceeding very cautiously. She had an MRI and she texted me that it explains everything. I will be able to talk with her soon. What I do know is that she is not so bad off that she couldn't go shopping afterward and buy a cute outfit. She said that made her feel better.

Seafarer,

For clarity, I believe my uPDw has severe anxiety and that she experiences migraines. But I also believe that her PD traits cause them and also greatly exacerbate her frequency and intensity, allowing her to utilize medical drama for attempted manipulation and emotional/time/money control of me and also afterward, garner compassion from our children and her friends.

She also uses her medical drama to then dictate her selective disapproval of her participation in certain things that she knows i will enjoy. Yet, in full hypocrisy, she will participate in similar situations that have a focus that she enjoys.

For example, I enjoyed attending certain events when we traveled, such as outdoor happenings in a new town we were visiting that were focused on a theme i enjoy, such as a certain genre concert series or beer/food tasting. Lots of people, sounds and if in the evening, variety in the event lighting. I had preplanned to attend and then when we arrived, she used the crowd, noise and lights to proclaim she cant handle those three things and had to leave before she ended up "in the hospital" again. A few days later into the travel, the same attributes existed at a function she planned that revolve around her interests and zero complaints when attending.

Once I became aware of the PD medical excuse connection and pattern to manipulate me/us, I stopped participating with her in these types of predictable situations.

Not derailing your thread, but sharing these manipulation experiences to add to your analysis of your past and current situation with your stbx, as you make decisions for yourself.

Again wishing you forward steady progress this time, in your desires.

SoT

escapingman · April 01, 2022, 09:48:26 AM

To add from what SoT is saying. UNPDstbxw suffers from terrible migrains. They always happen when we are supposed to do something she doesn't like, seeing my family or friends to be exact. She also gets them when she fancy being on her own in her bed watching TV. As migraines are invisible they can't be challenged, but she is the o la person I know that can watch TV and play on her phone with a full blown migraine attack.