Anniversaries of incidents

[11JB68]

I have so many memories of incidents with uOCPDh. There are incidents that aren't attached to certain events, and for those I have a more vague memory. But sometimes an anniversary of an event comes up and it reminds me..especially when those events are marked by the media (social or tv etc).
E.g. today is the1year anniversary of a significant news story in my area. My first thought was oh yes that was the night uOCPDh raged at me about x...

[Poison Ivy]

There are some events like that for me, too: one is an annual event, one is an annual transition (the start of school) that occur at about the same time as when my ex-husband (1) was fired, and (2) left our home for a "temporary, part-time" job as his parents' caregiver.  I don't recall the exact date of either but I certainly recall and am reminded every year of the feel of the time of year when they happened.

[SparkStillLit]

To me these are more like anniversaries of things h has come up with, or situations that he has completely warped out of true over time, that I'm not even sure he remembers, but then I guess he must, because I can count on him to turn ugly at these times.
Over the years I have come to realize that some of this stuff isn't even real and I've been badly gaslighted, and I'm just now catching on after 19 years. Or....I can't tell....maybe he's told himself and mixed it around in his head to where HE thinks it's real.... but I'm not sinking into that swamp. Not real. I'm going for solid, repeatable, checkable, facts that make sense these days. Hard data.

[Samuel S.]

Such anniversaries of incidents can truly be traumatizing. In a manner of speaking, we have PTSD. We nonPDs are sensitive to our anniversaries of incidents and life in general. That is why we are nonPDs. Our PDs probably care less or purposefully ignore such reminders.

[Whiteheron]

I have so many memories of incidents with uOCPDh. There are incidents that aren't attached to certain events, and for those I have a more vague memory. But sometimes an anniversary of an event comes up and it reminds me..especially when those events are marked by the media (social or tv etc).
E.g. today is the1year anniversary of a significant news story in my area. My first thought was oh yes that was the night uOCPDh raged at me about x...

Oh my, yes. I thought it was just me, but by now, I should realize it's not 

stbx would panic about something and would traumatize the entire family. More so around holidays, back to school time (which he blamed on his dad and hunting season somehow) and birthdays. Now that I'm out, I have to remind myself that it's ok and I can relax. If stbx wants to dysregulate around this time, he can go right ahead. I don't have to participate or be a witness anymore.

[SparkStillLit]

WH as you state, we can be non-participants in their dysregulation; is there any way to keep the children from getting wound up? Something I might say or a tool I might suggest to help them be non participants as well?

[SparkStillLit]

They're not little, I guess the one isn't a "child" anymore at 18, the other is also a teen. They both still live here. I mean, of course the teen does, but the young adult is in jr college and lives here, too.

[Fae Greenwood]

Yes, I remember now what happened in October or January or February of what year. I didn't for a long time. I was very much into not keeping a list of wrongs so it took me a while to see a pattern. I also have bad associations with places. We enjoyed certain destinations as both a couple and a family and he's ruined nearly all of them for me. I can't think of Universal Studios or Disney World without a small cringe. I suspect he built up such high expectations for our trips or holliday experiences that, when real life happened and someone was sick or hungry or tired or whatever, everything was ruined and so he had to make sure I knew he'd been cheated out of the perfect vacation or perfect Christmas. He can't grasp the irony that HE is the one who ruined everything and did so deliberately.