Away gives clarity - but maybe whitewashing?

[Jsinjin]

Ive been out of the country this week for work.    Away gives me a lot of time to think; I keep in touch with the kids but when I travel I never hear from my uOCPDw even if I text or leave messages.    So I get a window of peace in my life and time to reflect.   I eealiz that I want to tell her how I feel and not have her react in a way that either has her melt down or ignore me completely.    I just want to share that I feel hopeless, that our home is a mess, that I feel overwhelmed that we can't discipline the kids or set expectations, that she won't hug me let alone allow me to be intimate with her, and that I live in fear of her anger.   I want her to react only to those things in raw unvarnished truth as the way that I feel and not in some black and white construct.    I want to be heard.   The years of this quasi life I've been living have started to blend into a long crawl through a pipe and I can barely remember when I started.  I just feel that if I can be heard once at least I will know the truth about how I am viewed.

[blunk]

Jsinjin, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know how painful it is to be afraid to tell the person you love how you are feeling for fear of their reaction. It sucks not to be heard.

I found myself thinking and feeling that if I can just explain myself clearly enough he will see the pain that he is causing me. And if he truly loves me he will change his actions so as not to continue to cause me such pain. Sadly, IME, this is not the way that PDs operate.

I'm sorry that I don't have any words of wisdom to offer, but I want you to know that you are not alone in feeling as you do. Hugs to you...even though they are only virtual.