Another Email Attempt - It Must Mean a New Settlement Offer is Coming Soon

Happytobefree · February 18, 2021, 12:12:21 PM

I received another forwarded email from my STBXunpdH this week. And again, it was a vet reminder. (I've asked them to remove his info from my pet's records, but I guess that doesn't include "automated responses).

This time he actually asked a question - "Who is xxx (name of new pet)? Did you adopt a new doggy or kitty?"

It feels like he's trying to regain power and saying - "ho hum, how are you, have you forgotten how much of a douche I am yet?" all casual-like. Like we're friends. Or like he didn't try to screw me over my financial contributions to him/the new house on his last offer. Or like he never got off on hurting me and making me cry.

And yet, I feel a little guilty for not responding because it feels rude to me. I mean - it's a reasonable, friendly request, right?

It's hard being a nice person with empathy sometimes.

The last time he emailed a forwarded vet reminder was 3 weeks ago. 2 days later, I received an settlement offer, which I refused. I wonder if I'll get another offer tomorrow? Because, as I've learned thanks to this forum, every action from him is calculated.

GettingOOTF · February 18, 2021, 12:16:12 PM

Wow that email sounds so much like my BPDxH. He also used things like this to keep on contact with me. You'll be shocked by how many points of contact are out there. It was like playing whack-a-mole the first couple of years.

Yes everything they do is calculated and it's all aimed at manipulating you into taking them back.

When I had to meet up with my x I was always shocked by how much he knew about my life. He was (and still is) clearly putting effort into keeping tabs on me.

Happytobefree · February 18, 2021, 01:33:29 PM

Quote from: GettingOOTF on February 18, 2021, 12:16:12 PM
Wow that email sounds so much like my BPDxH. He also used things like this to keep on contact with me. You'll be shocked by how many points of contact are out there. It was like playing whack-a-mole the first couple of years.

Yes everything they do is calculated and it's all aimed at manipulating you into taking them back.

When I had to meet up with my x I was always shocked by how much he knew about my life. He was (and still is) clearly putting effort into keeping tabs on me.

Your Whack a Mole analogy made me laugh!!! It's so apt, though!

I know he doesn't want me back, but he DOES want to manipulate me to end our use of lawyers and divorce "amicably". His version of amicable is offering me $5600 to sign off on the deed to our new dream house (which he is keeping and living in full time now) and forget about the $80K I loaned him when he was cash poor, conveniently omitting this amount from his lawyer. Fortunately, I kept receipts of everything.

As he said to me in one of his last bullying emails, "I EXPECT our divorce to be amicable!" And here I expected him to be honest to his lawyer.

I've blocked him everywhere and was honestly surprised he hadn't heard about my new addition because I'd been posting pictures of her everywhere. Or maybe he was playing naive. Who knows...who cares...pisses me off that it's even taking up headspace.

Stillirise · February 18, 2021, 02:35:38 PM

IME, little tidbits of information are like hits of a drug for my stbxUPDh. I've noticed that even in situations where most people would feel like a creep, in revealing that they'd learned some personal detail about someone else, the PD has zero qualms about sharing their little gold nuggets with you, and others.

With a Pd, there seems to be little in the way of caring about social norms or boundaries around privacy, unless it is about their own life! I've found that sometimes they do this to get you to reveal information, or to bait you into innocently asking about them, as well, so they can get supply. You are not obligated to reply. It gets easier to just ignore those messages, like spam! Hopefully some sort of offer is coming. Typically, they burn time and money, to end up settling for close to what you wanted in the first place—because your offer is likely reasonable and fair. Eventually even their own lawyers get sick of dealing with them. Good luck!

Happytobefree · February 18, 2021, 02:41:21 PM

So much truth there, @Stillrise!

Sadly for him, I don't/won't take the bait anymore. Thanks to this forum and other websites, I'm stronger than he thinks.

Bunnyme · February 18, 2021, 06:05:06 PM

The hits of a drug analogy hits home. He is either going to get a friendly response to feed his ego, or throw a pity party for himself (and anyone who will listen) about how he is "just trying to be nice" and make you out to be the problem. It is a no win situation. I am finding it best to ignore completely, but I get how hard it is to go against what we feel is rude. It isnt, but I know it feels that way.

Happytobefree · February 18, 2021, 08:10:12 PM

Well, it seems that I was right in my prediction! Guess who got a 3rd settlement offer about an hour ago? This one is close enough to what I wanted, so I'm going to accept it. I still have part of my retainer left from lawyer's fees which will come back to me, if all the paperwork doesn't eat it up.

This could have gone only 1 of 2 ways. Either he was going to completely bully me and grind me into the ground with his self entitlement and his need to be in control and always right (this is what he banked on 100%) ...or

He has to play the victim to save face. Which is what he's doing now. His mother is telling all her friends how I screwed him over. Ah well, they can enjoy their emotionally enmeshed toxic relationship until death do they part.

GettingOOTF · February 18, 2021, 09:20:50 PM

This is great news. At some point it's best to take the offer rather than fight to get exactly what you set out to get. I found that I built up my finances really quickly once my ex was out of my life.

You deserve your freedom and some peace. Once it was all official I blocked my ex everywhere. It made a huge difference not having him intrude on my life.

Happytobefree · February 19, 2021, 07:57:58 AM

I completely agree! It's less than what I felt was fair but more than I expected, especially after only 5 months of negotiations. Considering that this never went to court either is a huge win. I will have enough to be whole again and heal.

He's already blocked everywhere except on email. There is no true blocking ability for gmail - it all goes to Spam, and I always glance through spam before deleting. But I can manage emails if he sends me any. I typically have someone read them first, and if it only will hurt me, they know to delete it right away. But now that he will be completely free of me in 60 days, I guarantee his discard of me will be complete and I will never hear from him again. hooray!

Boat Babe · February 19, 2021, 08:49:23 AM

Great news. Hold on till then and you can open a bottle of champagne (or cheap fizz if the budget is tight!) when it's all over.
Keep up with the self care and compassion.

Happytobefree · February 20, 2021, 11:23:12 AM

Quote from: Boat Babe on February 19, 2021, 08:49:23 AM
Great news. Hold on till then and you can open a bottle of champagne (or cheap fizz if the budget is tight!) when it's all over.
Keep up with the self care and compassion.

Thanks, BB! I indulged in an early celebration last night with steak, margaritas, and a good friend from college. What was even better is that I used a gift card to an upscale steakhouse that my STBxUNPDh had given me to "hold onto" last year, pre-split. And the icing on the cake is that it was a gift to him from his emotionally incestuous and enmeshed mother! HAHAHA!!!

side note: I was a livaboard/cruiser with my ex-exH (2 husbands ago). We're still great friends, but 2 years at sea was too much for my chronic seasickness!

IcedCoffee · February 20, 2021, 06:08:32 PM

Get everything signed asap. My experience with NPD is that when you think they are finally being sensible they "regenerate" (like baddies in the Terminator!) and you are back to square one.

Happytobefree · February 20, 2021, 08:53:39 PM

Quote from: IcedCoffee on February 20, 2021, 06:08:32 PM
Get everything signed asap. My experience with NPD is that when you think they are finally being sensible they "regenerate" (like baddies in the Terminator!) and you are back to square one.

Good advice!

My NPD may not regenerate (great word) though because he is unable to handle any amount of stress. At. All. I know that he literally wouldn't be able to survive divorce court, and just me getting a lawyer (and not letting him bully me into taking his pittance of an offer) sent him into a downward spiral. His anxiety right now is through the roof waiting for me to accept his latest offer. Poor thing.