Black or white

[escapingman]

I am away right now, but the going home is filling me with anxiety.  Stbx is nice to me now, but as we all now that won't last. I hate having to MC her, I am not that kind of person and although I know why I am doing MC it makes med feel bad. I want to be there, hug her and say it will all be alright, but I can't as I know that when I least expect it she will stab me right in my back to hurt me as much as possible.

[square]

It's so hard to be at the end of your rope. And it's so baffling that the situation is so unfixable.

I remember a few years ago I visited my parents 1000 miles away. I had a whole month away but did not feel any relief at all, knowing I had to go back home eventually. I broke down in tears about halfway. Why do they have to cannibalize us? They don't even have to treat us great, but why actively destroy us?

[Lauren17]

EM, it wasn't a month ago that I was fighting to get myself out of bed every day. But I did it.
You can, too.
Every day, you will reach down deep and find that strength to get up and fight another day.
Think of your DD. Think of your end goal.

[escapingman]

My head is spinning, I know what I need to do but it's so hard. The cognitive dissonance is really taking it's toll at the moment. Part of me just want to forget all of this and go back to the perfect happy life that never existed and never will exist. Another part just want to run and never go back, not have to deal with this and just dissappear.  But the hard option is to push on with the divorce, why is this so hard? Why do I still care about someone that have made my life hell for so many years? Now that she knows I am serious about divorce she suddenly has become.e the person she should have been all the time. How long can she keep the charade? I know she can't change so when will she slip? It kills me to wait for this and I can't even start thinking about what rage she will unleash.

Give me strength.

[j_curren]

EM, it wasn't a month ago that I was fighting to get myself out of bed every day. But I did it.
You can, too.
Every day, you will reach down deep and find that strength to get up and fight another day.
Think of your DD. Think of your end goal.

Yes, this was me too - keep fighting and don't give up hope.   I was at my very bottom two months ago.  I was sitting (hiding) in my car,  dreading walking in the house, and these words came through in an email.  It was a campaign email  but it spoke to me deeply   I read them when I feel like I can't do it:
....during a crisis, the door to change opens just a crack. What had been impossible becomes hard-but-maybe-possible. That's the moment to fight with everything you've got.

I slipped through a crack in his fingers as he was tightening his grasp.
I was in no position to leave, but I was never going to be in a position to leave, so I had to just go.  My T told me to say 'I have to do this, I don't have a choice' 

while you're still there - focus on self care.

[pushit]

I've been silent on this thread for a bit because you're wavering in your decision on what to do.  It seems you know what you need to do, but I will never push someone towards a decision, it's not my place.  You need to make your decision on your own, and then go all in with it one way or another, either decide to stay or decide to leave and don't look back.

I highly suggest you have a hard conversation with your solicitor about moving out.  Prior to my divorce, my lawyer strongly advised I stay in the house through the proceedings.  I won't go into details, but my exPDw had been acting real crazy in the months beforehand.  The night before she got served with divorce papers she pulled a stunt in the middle of the night that made it seem very possible that once I filed I might catch a bullet in the head while sleeping.  The next morning I took my essential belongings, called my lawyer and told him "eff that, there is no way I'm sleeping in that house again".  His response was "okay, do what you have to do and now we fight it a different way".  I moved into a hotel for a week, then got a rental house and started getting the kids 50/50.  In the end, it meant nothing that I moved out.  The "abandonment" argument that could have come from her side never even materialized. 

So, if you can't handle another minute in that house, you need to have a real "come to Jesus" meeting with your solicitor about getting out of there and then you do what you have to do. 

[escapingman]

Thanks Pushit. I know where I want to go, I just don't know the way to get there. When I eventually filé, I cannot see it being possible to be in the same house as her. SoT was talking about a truth war, I don't see it that way. For me it's just about survival. What the best way for that is I don't know, but I am sure stbx will push me into action one way or another. At the moment nothing has changed, she has the letter from my solicitor. She has asked me to reconsider,  I gave her a week and then told ger again nothing has changed. She didn't accept and forced me to think about it again to be able to leave the house for my waiting taxi. It's pretty pointless to give her a final answer when she only accepts one answer.

[SonofThunder]

EM, 

You used the word "accept" in the last two sentences.  In your country, is it required  by law for both parties to 'accept' an official letter of divorce, to actually get a divorce?

If the answer is no, then please educate me on why you are waiting for her to 'accept'.  Thank you for the education on this matter, so i better understand your thinking and previous post.   

SoT

[escapingman]

Correct SoT, if she doesn't accept it I will have to fight it in court to prove that she has behaved unreasonable and for the court to decide if I am granted a divorce. This even before any financial or custody battle risking cost and time to escalate out of hand. Hence I might be better off waiting until April when the law is scheduled to change.

[SonofThunder]

Correct SoT, if she doesn't accept it I will have to fight it in court to prove that she has behaved unreasonable and for the court to decide if I am granted a divorce. This even before any financial or custody battle risking cost and time to escalate out of hand. Hence I might be better off waiting until April when the law is scheduled to change.

EM, do both you and your solicitor believe there is enough prove-able truth (facts not opinions) of her 'unreasonable behavior' to grant EM a divorce?   

(Just a simple yes or no is fine, as i am attempting to ask a series of short questions for my own understanding, based upon your answers). 

*Unreasonable Behavior = law based on precedence that lists what behaviors constitute the granting of a divorce request by one party. 

SoT

[escapingman]

I believe it is, BUT do I want to argue this in court if I can delay it just a bit? If she defends it and we end up in court it will probably be a lengthy battle anyway. I just don't know what the best way out is, maybe I can get a trial separation and then file when no accusations are needed? I have been away a few days and really disconnected, not spent the time as wisely as I could have but just stayed clear of thoughts about her. I know things will change as soon as I am back home as she will start wearing g me down again, maybe I will just go for it.

[escapingman]

Listened to a couple of audiobooks about survining covert narcissistic abuse. Got me back on track a bit with my focus . Scary how someone writing a book can explain almost word for word how my relationship with my stbx has been from day 1.

[SonofThunder]

I believe it is, BUT do I want to argue this in court if I can delay it just a bit? If she defends it and we end up in court it will probably be a lengthy battle anyway. I just don't know what the best way out is, maybe I can get a trial separation and then file when no accusations are needed? I have been away a few days and really disconnected, not spent the time as wisely as I could have but just stayed clear of thoughts about her. I know things will change as soon as I am back home as she will start wearing g me down again, maybe I will just go for it.

1. EM, you stated "I believe it is...".  You may believe it is (experiences and opinion) but does your solicitor, based on his/her knowledge of the law, and precedence, (both are 'truth' for the court) believe your wife's behavior (that you can prove = truth)  is sufficient to grant EM a divorce? 

2. Also, in your country, if you attempt to "fight it in court to prove she has behaved unreasonable" (because she will not sign the solicitors divorce letter), and the court does NOT find her behavior is unreasonable enough to grant EM a divorce, what is legally required of you afterward?  Stay married and living with her in the home? 

*you have already contemplated (after already having declaring war) moving back home anyway, so if the potential result of losing an attempt to convince the court to grant EM a divorce is moving back home, why not try to convince the court now?  What do you have to lose in an attempt?   

3. Do you believe there is something that your wife could receive in a divorce settlement, that would make her sign the papers?  Like enough money in a divorce settlement perhaps (if you are independently wealthy). 

*I believe my uNPDw would risk facing (temporary) 'fear of abandonment' if i was to offer her enough money (more than 50%) in a divorce settlement, but i cannot for a variety of reasons.  My uNPDw would feel a prize of 'victory' in a divorce, if she ended up with more money than SoT, because it gives her two things; the joy of winning and the joy of hurting SoT.  Also, she could afterward, purchase many new additional 'shiny trophies' to continue feeding her narcissism.  Plus, she's very attractive, so finding another man would be easy, so abandonment is only a short span).

SoT

[Justanotherlostgirl1]

Hi EM,

I've been gone for a bit, but you and I are really in a similar place. I get your feeling. Even after all my stbx has done, I still feel guilty and I still find it hard to leave. I think that's due to trauma bonding honestly.

The only real option IMO is to pull the trigger. You've lived the other options and they aren't working, so unfortunately, you must go to the option that is obviously going to be the worst for all involved, but that's likely how PD's like it. Mine loves drama and chaos as it is just another chance for him to play the victim, I'm sure yours is similar.

I am also currently in the idealization phase with mine and it is just awful once you're fully Out of the FOG and see it for what it is. I'm guessing because we are genuine people with genuine feelings and we can see right through our PD and realize this is a total manipulation and how oblivious we have truly been.

I know you're moving in the right direction and just going for it is so hard. We're all here for you and I really wish you the best outcome possible ❤️

[escapingman]

I am sorry I haven't written anything for a few days. A LOT has been going on and my head is fighting the manipulation.. I think this thread is getting close to the limit so will start a new one when I am ready. Thanks all for you support.

[hhaw]

I hope your therapist appointments begin soon, em.

All will be well.