Maid of Honor in a BDP wedding

[soccer23]

To be honest I am not sure if my "best friend" has borderline however she does have a lot of the tendencies. I did not notice them before but now that I am set clear boundaries with my family I have noticed the toxic traits in my friend, of course it happens at the same time as her wedding in which I am her maid on honor. The wedding is this weekend and I have to write my speech. I wrote a speech about everything I wish I could say to her and I read it to my therapist and we did work around it however every time I even think about our friendship I am brought to tears about all the abuse. I know we have good memories I just cannot bring myself to write a speech and then give it at a wedding that I don't even think should be happening! I am at a complete lose as of what to do. My therapist and I agreed to wait until after the wedding to talk to her about my feelings but I don't even know how I will make it through the wedding....

[Fortuna]

Writing a speech as you're figuring out how your friend hurt you must be really tough. There are probably still things though you could say about her and her relationship with her soon to be spouse. Here are some ideas to get you started:

Even with the most PD people here there are probably some moments where they were kind. Can you describe one of those?
Can you recall a sweet moment between them and their partner?
Can you think of three good traits they have? (even if sometimes those traits are overshadowed by the PD) Are there any stories that exemplify those traits?
Despite coming Out of the FOG with this friend, what can you honestly say you wish for them and their partner? 
Think about what you would wish for anyone at a  wedding. No one is expecting much more than platitudes anyway.

Also remember a speech doesn't have to long. If all else fails do something like I've known her since (fill in with a story of how you met or what was going on in both your lives at the time) and now I'm glad she can have her partner for a lifetime of happiness and shared stories.

Good luck. You can get through this and help make the wedding a special time.

[clara]

I guess if I was in your place, soccer, I would just find some funny or amusing incident to talk about, make it as brief as possible, then wish them the best.  They'll need it.   

[moglow]

Soccer, the good news is that no one really wants to sit through a recital of longtime friendships and every interaction from beginning to now. Some of those semi-drunken "toasts" blather on forever and are only funny to the two people involved. As Clara pointed out, share a funny or touching story [ideally involving the bride AND groom since it's their wedding] and sincerely wish them all the very best in their new life together.

[Penny Lane]

 

These speeches are kind of boilerplate and cliche for a reason! Lean on that. It really doesn't have to be all that personal.

If it were me I would
- Explain how you know the bride (briefly, in one sentence)
- Say one nice attribute of hers. If you can't think of anything, just go with something vague like "fun"
- Say one nice thing about the husband, again if you can't think of anything say something vague
- Wish them the best

It doesn't have to win a Pulitzer Prize, the #1 goal is you getting out of this in one piece.

Good luck.

[countrygirl]

Hi,

I was really impressed with everyone's ideas of how to handle the speech!

Once you have written the speech, why not allow yourself to also write what you really feel--not for public consumption, of course!  In this speech-to-be-delivered-only-to-yourself, write about your REAL feelings about the bride, as well as about why you don't think this marriage is a good one.  This way, you will have written a speech which tells the truth, and it might make delivering the actual speech less onerous.