Being overcautious with new people?

[Sapling]

After my last flatmate moved out during Covid lockdown, I found it hard to recover emotionally because we had been friends and I could not accept his drastic change in character. He'd been in a 6-7 year long relationship with my uHPD friend when they were in their 20s, which was how we met. I did not realise when he moved in that they were still basically in a codependent relationship and she lied to me about the status of their relationship, telling me it was platonic and he was like a brother to her. Really, she encouraged him to move in with me so she could create a triangle that included me in her power games. When everything backfired and he got a new GF, he then tried to create a triangle between me, him and the new GF! I don't know whether he is also a PD or if he just had a major case of the fleas...Its exhausting to even think about!

I just found someone who was interested in a short stay and they have moved in for a couple of months. They seem lovely and uncannily have also had a recent experience with a uPD flatmate. And they have also recently started looking into PD behaviour and reading and researching all they can to inform themselves.

I am grateful to have the financial pressure eased for a while and also to have met someone nice who I can share my space with who also understands what I've recently been through. I am however scared and I feel very wary and cautious. I'm not sure if this is healthy scepticism or hypervigilence. One of the things that saddens me most about my recent experience with PDs is that I feel I have lost the ability to just get excited about meeting new people. It is as if I've lost my innocence about people. Will I always be on guard when I meet new people now?

[scape]

Hi Sampling!
I can definitely relate. I keep on thinking: "I liked people before and they turned out to be just very good manipulators. I could very well be wrong about this person too".
Lately I have been alone most of the time which makes me feel a lot better because it saves me from the trouble of having to trust someone, but there always comes a time when I need help, and I get scared I'l trust the wrong person.
I tend to have contingency plans in place, in case things with someone go awry. It may seem calculating to have a plan B always in mind, but sometimes that's the only way I can be relaxed around other people.
Sometimes I'll get blissful bits of amnesia where I'll get excited about meeting a new person that seems nice, but then I catch my self and remember I don't really know them and pretending to be nice is relatively easy.

After meeting with my dose of manipualtive people it takes me a looot longer to consider people friends now.
I'll be civil if they are civil. I'll help if I can and they ask. But that's as far as I will go for a long time.
I get your sadness.
Sometimes I feel like I?m missing out on a lot of great people (but I'm also probably avoiding a lot of bad ones).
Why can't people walk around with a sign on their forehead or something? 

[Mintstripes]

I'm on guard too, but I don't see it as a bad thing at all. I'm protecting myself and learning from past mistakes when I ignored red flags.

[clara]

In my experience, someone who's not a PD or a narc won't care about your being cautious.  They're willing to wait and allow the friendship to unfold.  The ones who don't want to give you that space are those who are in it for the possibility of manipulation and control. They can't wait to get you into their orbit and when you show a reluctance to join, they quickly and easily move on because they want their needs met right now.  Being dismissive of your needs is a red flag.

[Ladymm]

I am also a bit lost with new people. I somehow enjoy this quarantine and not meeting anyone.  In the future I think I want to spend far less time with people and more on my hobbies and self growth. And I feel sometimes that healthy acquintasces do the job in terms of socializing and that I don't need a best friend. I see now that people from my past  who didn't have a best friend forever to share all with were stabler young people and are stable adults now. I just sometimes have doubts over what I write because I am married now and what would it be if I wasn't..I guess Its just a bug..oh no its my mother..in my ear

[Sapling]

Thanks all. I wish it were easier! I really am on guard at the moment, Mintstripes, and am desperate to learn from these mistakes and get make way for better relationships in my life.

Clara, I hope you're right about "someone who's not a PD or a narc won't care about your being cautious," coz I feel like I need extra time to make decisions at the moment and extra time to be confident in those decisions.

Scape, I feel the same: "After meeting with my dose of manipualtive people it takes me a looot longer to consider people friends now."

Ladymm I like how you're committing to your hobbies. I'm trying to do the same at the moment but it does not take away from the sadness. It can be overwhelming sometimes to think I can no longer trust some of the people I felt closest to.

[ShyTurtle]

I feel your hesitation too. I think that if a person is very self aware it's a good sign as long as it is accompanied by the absence of red flags. I personally feel that it's wise to constantly check in with yourself about things like: do you see any red flags in this person? How does this person treat other people and how are they with respecting the boundaries of others? How are they with enforcing their own boundaries? How are they with communication in general? How does my body feel when I'm with this person? (anxiety, nausea, muscle tension, etc.)

The good news is that you get to decide how much bs you will accept. Because of my own past trauma I have to constantly remind myself of this and be prepared to walk away.