Toxic coworker

[Breakthrough]

I had some experiences with some definitely toxic coworkers, who have NPD is far as I can tell. They have multiple problems with the majority of the people they work with, and I know I'm not alone. There is another individual who I work with who recently retired but still works quite a bit, who I find a lot of people say is a kind person and a nice person, but she has never been kind or nice to me and has always been difficult, critical, and frankly petty and mean. I have had to interact with her twice this week so far. The interactions were short but extremely disrespectful on her part. Since I have very little interaction with her, I have never actually discussed with her how her behaviour is problematic. I am wondering if I should do this at some point, particular  as the problematic behaviour continues. She says belittling things to me. She is quite overbearing towards me as well. I feel setting proper boundaries with her would be a start.  Any tips on how to address this behaviour would be helpful. Thanks

[11JB68]

Unfortunately I've experienced this a lot. Am in the midst of it now. Often I find these are people who want to complain about everything and everyone but they don't want to be part of the solution. Sorry no advice yet, I'm still trying to figure it out....

[clara]

Drawing boundaries is probably the best thing you can do, breakthrough, because NPDs like your co-worker have trouble understanding anything else.  Since they don't think they're doing anything wrong, they won't respond to what you say.  They think the problem is yours, never theirs, and it's amazing the hoops they'll jump through and stories they'll make up in their head to rationalize why it's not them.  One of those boundaries you can draw is to make plain to the co-worker you have no interest in any interactions other than dealing with the work, you're not there to be friends or listen to her talk, and if she makes comments you feel are disrespectful or inappropriate, tell her you're not interested in her opinion of you.  I know if that happens she'll try to claim she wasn't saying anything remotely disrespectful etc. but don't apologize or explain (because it's a waste of breath).  Just say that's how I feel and leave it.  From my experience in dealing with such people I've found that if you put up a wall between yourself and them, they find others to give them the supply they need.  They need some kind of reaction from others in order to keep functioning.  I would bet my last dollar that the reason she kept working after retiring is because she needed to return to her source of supply and wasn't getting enough at home.   (And the reason others say she's so nice is because she's found a way to get positive supply from them.  NPDs often know their targets and perhaps she realized you weren't going to gush over her the way others do, so settled for negative attention instead!)

[bloomie]

Breakthrough - the workplace can be a really challenging place to find strategies for toxic behaviors from co-workers. I admit I have fumbled and bumbled my way through many a situation because I simply did not have good skills to set boundaries and knowledge of ways to phrase things and handle things effectively.

Two sources have been a great help for me and I thought I would share them. There is a youtube channel by Dan O'Connor that teaches effective verbal and nonverbal communication skills that work for exactly the kind of thing you are describing. Those vids are found here:  https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC5Zb02pmVD2VA7lnx8mV4gw

And for written communication strategies and more verbal communication tips for dealing with High Conflict People these free articles by Dan Eddy have also been a great help, along with his books, to me in both the workplace and my private life. His articles are found here: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/free-articles

It is a sad fact that we are experiencing more and more toxic behaviors in the workplace and it seems to be amping up with a general rise in anxiety and fall in civility in our society at large. I have had to work very hard to build a toolset for myself to handle these kinds of behaviors from high conflict people - overtly and covertly disrespectful communication, and still am flummoxed by it from time to time. 

Good luck with this and I hope these resources are empowering! Let us know how it is going!

popped back in to add this link to one of Dan O'Connor's vids about responding to offensive comments at work: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nD14KCRy89M 

[StayWithMe]

Given my unfortunate experience in the workplace, one piece of advice is to infomr yur boss each time you nteract with your coworkers.  My experience is that even asking questions on how to do something morphs into "she's offloading work on me."  the boss of course will never investigate accusations but will act upon them.

[Indivisible]

 UGG. Unfortunately I've had a lot of experience with workplace bullying and mobbing, from what I would consider to be PD employees, and a whole range of people who are just not pleasant to work with; people who have very poor communication skills and just don't get along well with others.   I've been in management and HR for about 20 years so I've had to coach my staff and other employees through various workplace situations. Even though I've been in management, trust me, bullying can come from bosses, vendors, customers, subordinates,  associates etc.  First suggestion I would make would be document document document. Keep a journal and briefly document every unpleasant interaction you have with this person. I would not suggest going to your supervisor to  to discuss each and every incident, however, should things escalate your documentation will prove extremely helpful to you. If you find that your productivity is adversely affected by interactions with this person it might not hurt to set up an appointment with your supervisor to discuss this situation  and ask for suggestions on ways to cope with this person. This type of conversation puts the onus on you to begin with, but also alerts your supervisor to the problems this person is bringing into the work environment. Throughout the years I've seen a lot of people try to overcome these situations with kindness. Generally speaking, I think most people are very nice and cordial,  and they seem to believe that if they "up" the niceness that it will be reciprocated. In my experience, this is rarely the case and can actually lead to more problems. If this person is just mostly offensive I would try to keep all communication with them as infrequent and as short as possible. Don't be nice, don't be rude -  just keep it short and sweet. Sometimes a comment or two can go along way so, say for example when this person makes an offensive or rude comment about you or to you, say something like "wow that was harsh" or "my that was very blunt".  You get the picture.  A lot of times people will just lose interest in saying nasty comments if they find that they are confronted when they say them.  It just ends up being too much work for them, and sometimes they back off. IMHO,  people like this just don't change.  As far as having a conversation with them to explain your position - this really depends on the person.  If you  are, indeed, dealing with a PD person, then a conversation of this sort will probably only serve to give them supply. So it might not work to get them to back down, however,  it could prove useful if you are documenting your interactions as it shows that you have made multiple attempts to be reasonable and to work things out.  And, don't know why, but it seems like more and more people in the workforce have these traits. Good luck with this, and please don't let it eat away at you because it's not you -  it's them.

[Breakthrough]

Thanks everyone.  Bloomie, those links look great.  Thank you.  This particular individual is not a PD (at least I don't think so), she just likes lording over me for no particular reason.  I have kept communication short, but yeah, it still annoys me.  I think partly because I feel unprepared when ppl do stuff like this.  Now that i know she falls into this category, I will be more on my toes. 

[Some One]

There was a time where I suggested going to your boss to let them handle it.  Now I would not suggest that as this will only confirm to your toxic coworker that what they are doing is working and will ramp up their unhealthy behavior towards you.  Also, who knows how your boss will handle it.  At my current position they ended up promoting this woman despite years worth of documented interpersonal problems with peers and direct reports.   Medium chill, LC and NC to the extent possible.  Change your hours, keep to yourself and keep them out of your workflows.   If you have autonomy in your position change your work processes so they are out of it or have less visibility to what you do. If you have a question that they would answer ask someone else or try to figure it out yourself.  Headphones.  Listen to music often, preventing them from making sideways remarks about you and shutting them out of your personal space.   Don't vent at work.  You never know who their flying monkeys are.  If you are early on in the position I'd just suggest leaving.  Consider yourself lucky for picking up on an unhealthy dynamic early on and getting out.  The longer you stay the harder it is to leave once you have a vested interest.
Good luck!