elderly narc mom thinking of NC please HELP

[scapegoat/caregiver]

   within the last 12 years my brother died.  he was a good guy.    within 3 years of that hell started.
  My sister the GC and my NF  basically started picking at me  , as my sister said   "When I'm ready.... I'm going to GET RID OF YOU"  my fathers favorite GC  spilled the beans and told the truth.      I started to get knowledge from site  Out of the FOG.
Always thought my mom was at least 1/2 OK.  Stuck around all these years for her.      I was wrong.    well I have been treading water since,     I have 2 kids, I wanted them to grow up with some insight of what holidays, birthdays, ....should be.    I was the one that did all the work and spent all the money on gatherings.
Eventually,   No contact with GC sister any more  (she tried to give my son drugs and my 11 year old daughter birth control pills)   nice   .....

My NF passed away. all the way up to his death I remained ethical,  made sure all was taken care of and I (who would have thought) was the one holding his hand as he passed.    My GC sister was too busy to come in from a 3 hour drive to see him before he died.  If you waived a dollar in front of her she would be here in 2

What I am surprised about is what happened to my Mom,  I thought she would get better after he passed. NOOOOOO....  She was horribly inhumane to him..... cruel...... uncaring 100%.... during the past 2 years Ive learned that she NEVER cried for my brother when he died. (cancer)  he was her favorite!!!!   My NF was wearing rags that did not fit in the nursing home.....they kept complaining.... I called my NM and told her she HAD to reimbuse me of clothes that I bought for him.... she required a receipt.   Finally did.     She is Extremely wealthy and VERY frugal, cheap.   She acted as though she DID NOT care at all when he died.  He wasn't even gone 1 minute( NM was eating crackers across room at the time)  and she said "Oh was that supposed to happen today????  This is a bad time , I'm not done with my taxes, she turned to me and asked if I was done with my taxes yet.!!!!!!!    IS THIS ODD OR WHAT?????  Of course she did NOT cry.  I know she is an alcoholic, and a Narc,  but what the   ##@?  She did NOT want to have a memorial!!!   I insisted because of MY kids,,,,  We had a memorial,,, she said absolutely NO  NO photos,  Dad was cremated she bought a box on ebay, Cheap.   If it wasn't for me and my daughter there would be nothing in the room but a box from ebay on a table.  NOTHING.   Does anyone think this is weird???

  She told me she almost killed my cat when I was a child by baking it in a car....... this story was given to me recently on my BIRTHDAY....  Happy Birthday!!!!

Well anyway...i think you get the drift....   She informed me years ago after my brother died that I was in charge of the TRUST.    Naturally, I took this as a job that I would be responsible, and  have a duty to  know how to complete all papers....,....you know,    she sucked me in.... because I am the responsible, duty bound scapegoat that does all the work.... She has BRAGGED  non stop about her money,,,,for the last 3 months,,, telling me "if you or the kids need anything....let me know.... the advisor said I could give $20 K to all the family members a year...... I made the mistake of saying...well, I am 10K short getting my daughter thru college this year, we can use the help.  OMG,,, what a BAD idea... asked her 3 times.... also touched on I do not want to have my children treated differently... if you give to one you should give to the other...

The conversation was HORRIBLE.
She said she had to control every penny,,,,
she did not want to give anything to my son...quote "He does do anything for me so why should i help him!!!!
Quote  " besides you do not tell me anything about your financial situation anymore!!!!" (another excuse)
(I stoppped talking about MY success because i was critized about working hard and achieving-----they were JEALOUS!!!  another WT $#@% )

She had no intention of giving anything!!   That was the last time we spoke,  i was crying.. she was arrogant and smog.

She then sent my boyfriend's son $100  ( she never talks to him and does not like him)  My boyfriend called her to thank her.... she then asked him to do a favor for her.... obviously the only reason for the money to his son

I do not know what to do...... should I call and pretend nothing happened...should i tell my boyfriend do not get involved and help her.... should i go no contact... my kids are grown...i don't think they want to have anything to do with her
 

[goofycrumble]

Maybe have a meeting with partner and children and sit down and ask them if they really truly want contact with her. Ask how they feel about being in her company or even taking calls from her. Perhaps as a family none of you have ever had this conversation.

Be honest with your kids and tell them you feel contact with your Mother is upsetting and toxic for you. If all hands raised say No Grandma then decide your most comfortable no contact process and ask that they stick to it also. Talk to them about Medium Chill (Woman Interrupted is an expert) and enforce as much as you can with any crazy flying monkey family that will try to hoover you, your partner, and kids in. Block Negative Nana and any other toxic family you've been tolerating on any social media, or texting apps. If you get the usual "Oh so and so been trying to get in touch" medium chill and say "really?? This darned phone I need to get it fixed never get any messages" or "My PC is broken cant check emails" etc Lose invitations from certain people for get togethers.

The medium chill section on this site helped me so much lately keep a bit of may sanity. Also, the dependency section in the 100 traits tool box helped me as I have dependant/sick disordered parents and this helps you understand when you are doing too much or "setting yourself on fire" so to speak. I say this because once you Mumsie gets wind she's being ignored she or someone involved with her will at some point will try to find you when you are NC to hoover you in when she gets ill or passes. I hope this won't happen but there is a strong chance it will. Stay strong, hugs 

[illogical]

Your mother is using her money as a weapon-- to control you and, I suspect, others.

I grew up in a household that did that.  That's all my NM knew to do.  To her, "having a relationship" meant "I control you with my money."  My GC brother is the same way and colluded with my NM to deprive me of most of my inheritance when my enF died.

Bottom line here is you cannot trust your mother.  Regarding level of contact, you have to make that decision. 

Personally, from what you've posted, I wouldn't count on your mother for a dime.  I would go my own way and do my own thing and not rely on her for Jack sh*t.  Just my two cents.  Take care!

[blacksheep7]

Hi scapegoat/caregiver,

I'm sorry you are going through this.

I second Illogical that your mother is not to be trusted, she is conditional and controlling with her money.

She gave your dh son money, does not like him But will not give any to her gdaughter for college when she did offer financial help.  She is extremely wealthy but remains frugal & cheap????????

Listen to your words about your M, they are your answers.....that is who she is. 

You will probably need to put up some boundaries, saying "No".  Stay firm and believe in yourself, not your Mother.

Best wishes

[Hopelessly stuck]

I know when I say this that I am NOT really answering Your question but...

I would turn the trust over to a bank or someone in a financial position. You could possibly get in trouble taking care of that TRUST EVEN IF She said that You could have $10,000 for Your Son's college tuition. I have read Horror stories about Pd's that have caused trouble with Money Matters.

Yes, My Mother holds her inheritance as a tool to Keep Me in line to do what She wants. My brother the GC is in control of the money that She has. She has already put the house in his name saying the Me and My Siter get All the money left from the possesions after It is ALL auctioned OFF. We are also supposed to get the money She has in the Money market funds She has. She is spending that money quit quickly buying STUFF ( She has always been a shopaholic.)  IF She goes into a nursing home or anything that will take MY inheritance until She is broke anyways. Since the house is in GC's name He will probably be the only one to get an inheritance.

When She was NC with SIS she said that She didn't want anyone to tell Sis when she died. and  She requested that a storage unit be taken out and to put the things in storage and give any money belonging to her in a bank unil Sis realized that She had died and come to claim the stuff and MONEY. I had asked for a few of the items I had bought My Dad (deceased) and NOW She says that She bought those things and called me a liar when I stated that I had bought those things.      When She said that I just thought that She was forgetful and dropped the subject. Now I am thinking She really knew and was just was using it to play mind games with me.

She had 3 rings that were valuable. My brother was to get one, My sister was to get one and I was supposed to get the other one. She gave My Sister and GC theirs and did not give me the one She had told me for years I was supposed to get. She sold the ring I was supposed to get and didn't even tell me. I found out when she sold me an iPad and I saw that She had sold it on Craig's list. I asked her about it and She didn't give me an answer on Why She sold it and instead accused me of hacking her email account!  She doesn't need the money So I guess it is another sign that I am just the scapegoat in the family.

My Sister sold her a 14K necklace. She went through her costume Jewelry box and gave my daughter a bunch of worthless junk jewelry. She told MY SISTER that She had given My D the necklace for D to give that 14K necklace to MY SIS. The necklace was NOT in the junk She gave my D and we hunted for weeks looking for it. Of course, She told My Sis that She'd given it to D. D got blamed for losing it. Now, I am sure She really SOLD that Necklace and just SAID She put it in with the junk jewelry to  blame My D instead of telling the truth. My SIS got mad at D. blaming her for stealing/ misplacing the necklace. My D kept the box in her room and never even opened it until She was blamed for stealing the necklace. It was not in the box! 

So, Yes, I do think that PD's try and hold anything of value over our heads as a controlling factor. For the last few Years both me and D. have looked for the necklace thinking it could have fallen out of the box...As I am understanding more and more about My Covert MOM I am sure that was another lie She told to stir the pot and keep everyone off balance. 

[GentleSoul]

Sadly this is a common ploy they use.  I had experience of it from my PD mother.  Gives them a sense of power, I think.

[scapegoat/caregiver]

Thank you for your input.   My Narc Mom has now gone to the next level not sure what to do.     She contacted my daughter.....offering money if my daughter shows her the college bill.....  my problem is.... playing favorites will destroy MY family.... like she destroyed hers.... I was treated like a 4th class citizen--scapegoat.   I do not want my son hurt by knowing his grandmother will ONLY HELP MY DAUGHTER.  I know what is going to happen.. my family will be split.   I thought I would send a note to my NARC MOM that told her to not play favorites....she already knows that is my rule in MY house.   I do not want to talk to her..... I will explode... got to keep calm.     

[SerenityCat]

I do not want to talk to her..... I will explode... got to keep calm.

You can give yourself a break and focus on taking care of yourself. Get enough sleep, eat well, get some exercise. Consider therapy or support group if available.

If your daughter is an adult, you can tell her what your concerns are with your mother, and then let it go.

The best way to help your kids is to role model taking care of yourself. You know that you cannot control your mother. Nor can you control how your son and daughter experience your mother.

Focus on your recovery. You were treated badly. Now is time for healing.

I see that your kids are grown. They are adults, they can take care of themselves.

In your situation I would need to go NC. I'd tell my boyfriend that I'd prefer that he not interact with my mother, and that if he wants to continue, to leave me completely out of it.

[Phoenix Rising]

Sadly this is a common ploy they use.  I had experience of it from my PD mother.  Gives them a sense of power, I think.

I agree. For them, it always about acquiring and maintaining power/status.

OP, I am sorry to read about what you going through. A lot of what you described is typical and it doesn't change. It just drains you and those around to no end. I would go NC and allow your other family members to make their own decisions on that. Hopefully for their sake, they will follow you in a NC decision. Take care of yourself

[scapegoat/caregiver]

i'm confused. / sad and hurt---    haven't spoke to my narc mom in weeks.  since the big fight. .
  she has reached out to others but not to me.  --my boyfriend who she wants him to drive to a medical procedure 3 months from now----
she has reached out to my daughter but not to my son who she appears to have no feelings for  (probably because he reminds her of me--scapegoat of family)
  she went to lunch with my daughter (love bombing)  giving her money for college---not my son however, because she said "he doesn't do anything for me why should I help him"  this was the first time she ever got together with my daughter---probably trying to justify NOT helping/loving my son.
she treating my daughter as the new golden child--because she says she is a mini of my GC sister. (who is a horrible narc)

I feel like if I call her first---don't think she will ever call me----it will feed her EGO and invalidate my concerns about how she treats my son bad and helps only my daughter.

im feeling sad and having a lot of hate feelings towards her