My Shadow Side, Stress, & CPTSD

[lotusblume]

Hi everyone,

I haven't been here in a while, but I've been dancing in the fog. After almost three years of not seeing my FOO, I have, in the last few months, opened the doors to my parents, with many boundaries in place. I still have not seen them, but am planning on seeing one or both of them soon.

I have radically accepted that I cannot (nor should I desire to) change them. I accept that they are not able to give me what I need, now, or throughout life, emotionally. But I do believe there maybe some potential for growth & reconciliation, or In the least, peaceful connection.

The one problem I have with this is that my feelings about seeing them again is complex.

Being in touch with them again and anticipating this bridging of the gap in person is causing me some anxiety, but I'm willing to deal with it.

My problem is, I've been lashing out at my partner. Having uncharacteristic rage (part of this I believe is postpartum). Since I've become a mother, I find myself repeating the behaviours of my mother that I witnessed as a child, which traumatized me. This is obviously toxic for my partner, and our baby, whom I try to shield from my own moods. It's all directed at my partner. It cannot go on.

I know that part of it is from becoming a parent and reenacting trauma, some is from all of the stress of the last year ++ in general (including financial stress, career instability, and the state of the world), some from being in distant but more consistent touch with my mother, and postpartum hormones/adapting to motherhood.

I've been managing to stop myself before exploding sometimes, but it's usually temporary. I'm like a pressure cooker, waiting to release the tension, and my partner is the target. I do not want to be abusive with him, but it is abusive to use someone as your emotional punching bag, or lash out at them because you can't manage your stress, and they are just there, being normal and loving.

I get filled with shame when this happens, fall into a spiral, and defend my position, even when half of me is thinking that it is wrong. I look for his response to my probing, and when he finally says one thing in self-defense that I can point to and say AHA! I victimize myself, and focus on this one terrible thing I perceive he did, when for hours, I have been baiting him, in a sense.

Has anyone ever experienced this kind of thing before? Please share your insights. I'm back because I need some support right now. Things were going SO well when I was NC and pregnant, for the most part. There is a correlation with the parents in the picture, but their actual selves and behaviour is not the problem right now — they are following my lead — it is my psychic tension. Help me please!

[Leonor]

Hello Lotus Bloom, lovely mama!

I'm just going to cluck cluck Mother Hen for a bit, if I may.



First, congratulations on your beautiful new baby!  Who adores you because you are a WONDERFUL mother!

You just have a terrible mom. I can't know this, you say? Maybe you are both horrible? Or you're not as horrible as she is but right now you're pretty horrible too?

Nope! I happen to know your mom is horrible because you are so sad and upset and being mean to yourself ... And then slip in that "oh, it's probably postpartum too, but anyway ..."

That pretty much sums up the way you were treated when you were a little girl by your mom. Let me guess: Lotus has a need. Something major happens. Or she's just hungry. Or her shoes are too small. Or maybe it's a good thing. She has a dance recital. Or made her own mother's day card. What does mom do? Tell her how horrible she is. How ridiculous and emotional she is. Or mom says nothing. So Lotus believes she must be ridiculous and horrible, because her mom is ignoring her instead of responding to her.

Okay, let's just get that out of the way and move on to the fun mother hen part.



Dearie, there is no such thing as just, or a little, or by the way postpartum. Postpartum is the sky-rumbling, earth-shifting event of your life. There was Lotus pre-partum and Lotus postpartum. Lotus pre-partum was lovely and sweet, even if she was also cranky and pukey, but Lotus postpartum is a Life Force. You have just created an entire human being, from little pink toes to warm sweet nose, from nothing. Nada. No instructions. Even if someone asked you, "Wow, Lotus, how did you do that?" you could probably explain the first ten minutes and then have to forward to nine months later, be sure you're not even sure how you did it. But you did.

Plus, it was not easy. Even if you just snacked and baby showered your way through pregnancy, childbirth is no joke. Women die doing what you just did. That may seem too dark for right now, but I think it's important and powerful because if we didn't live in patriarchy we wouldn't have women and babies still dying and then people just shrug it off like, oh when are you going back to work / lose the baby weight / have another one? Like,I just survived this, $#@&!

I also think that every single mother on this planet has postpartum depression.  How can we NOT? Your body has just ripped itself to shreds to produce a live human being, and you are hemorrhaging for months afterwards. Your hormones are all over the place, rising and plunging: are we still pregnant? Yes? Oh, no? Your breasts are getting ready to sustain an entire life for MONTHS on nothing more than milk they make. Your abdomen has just shifted all of your internal organs to make room for your womb, and now they all have to shift back into place again. Your pelvic and rib bones are bruised from the inside out. You're night-sweating excess fluid and those are the few minutes you get to sleep at all!

Of course you feel horrible! But that's how you feel. It's not who you are!

But if you've never been mothered, you've never had an older mother rally round and bring lasagna and clean nighties and acetaminophen so you could nap, and pat your head and cradle baby so you could have a shower, then of course you feel lost and out of control and irritated and horrible.

But you're not. You're not horrible. You're not abusive. And you are CERTAINLY not your mother.

You're postpartum.

Now, postpartum isn't super comfortable, you're in serious physical recovery. But it's also a time of tremendous growth. Because as your body changes, so does your heart. Did you even know you were capable of this much love? That your baby would be so precious and amazing? That someone could be so exhausting, demanding, and, let's face it, smelly!, and you would rather be nowhere else? That it feels physically painful to be apart? Your heart is broken open, and you are a better person for it, not worse!

And so of course all of this crap from your mom is going to come up and ooze out. It's all the same thing, because if you are going to love your baby unconditionally, as you do, then you are going to have to love  you unconditionally, too. It's not like, oh I just love the cute, nice, polite, patient, and skinny parts of me. No ma'am.

You also have a chance to love the exhausting, demanding, crying, smelly parts of YOU, too. The parts you were never allowed to even have. The parts your own mom mocked or shamed or scolded or ignored. The you now, today, snapping at husband, crying in the shower, afraid for her life that she will turn into a Bad Mom for her precious, gorgeous baby. That's the Lotus you need to love right now, today.

What does that even look like?

It looks like comforting yourself when you feel bad. It looks like not trying to keep house on two hours of sleep a night. It means telling yourself you look gorgeous when you feel blubbery and unwashed. It means ordering take out for the foreseeable future. It means crying in the shower and saying ouch when it hurts. And not looking at any images of supermodels leaping in bikinis on the beach snapping perfect selfies with their newborns, because they have nannies and chefs and assistants and publicists!

Instead, when you need fresh air, pop baby in stroller and go to where moms are. We like parks, gardens, and malls. We are all feeling as yuck as you, and we get it. We're all doing the same thing, riding out the rollercoaster and hoping our husbands won't divorce us and our babies won't hate us and our friends will forgive us when it's all over. I have had some of the most intimate, supportive conversations of my life with moms I met five minutes ago at the mall, and then didn't see ever again, but whom I'll never forget, because they kept me sane.

And tell your doctor!!!! If your hormones are too whacked out, or if you're hallucinating from exhaustion, or the bleeding is making you faint, you do NOT have to suffer! There is treatment for that, and doctors get it now. They get it! So no hiding in the dark beating yourself up!

When does it end? Well, my youngest is eight, so I'll let you know ...

Okay, mama dear, go have a nap!

PS. Oh, and your parents? Yeah, they can wait. They can wait a loooong time.

[Andeza]

 
Yes, all of that! Brilliant, Leonor, absolutely brilliant.

I have nothing to add beyond congratulations, Lotusblume, and a hearty I get it. My first was rough. During this time I encourage you not to make any huge, life-altering decisions, because you've got a massively life-altering thing in your arms already. I think just taking the whole thing with your parents and shoving it to the back burner for a couple of months will take a huge burden off your shoulders that you don't need right now.

[Fiasco]

I very much experienced what you describe. If I could change ANYTHING about the year my first was born it would be to start taking the very low dose of antidepressant I take now back then, right away. Instead of letting the rage and severe anxiety ruin so much of that precious time.

[square]

Brilliant post, Leonor <wipes tear>

The "when does it end" thing, though. I remember being a mom to a new baby and this question was central to me being able to get through the day. Because it was too much and I couldn't handle it forever.

The answers I got were generally "it doesn't end, it just changes."

This was an answer that almost broke me. I couldn't do it. 16 years later, I am typing to you now actually feeling the - overwhelm is the only word I can think of, but it's not adequate. I was holding the world on my shoulders and my knees were buckling and people were telling me, yeah, that's your new life, forever.

I did NOT end up with that experience. It DID get progressively easier.

Of course, I am a parent forever. It will never go away.

But those early days slowly got easier. I'm sorry to say it wasn't quick, and the change was so gradual that I never woke up and said, whew, THAT'S all settled, then.

But, waking every few hours simply does not last forever.

Having to eat 46 times a day does not last forever.

Diapers don't last forever. In fact, a day will come - some day - when you won't need to be even slightly involved in them going to the bathroom whatsoever.

Some day you will be able to shower without even thinking about anything but "hmm, I need a shower."

They become more self sufficient over time. It will get easier, just a bit at first, then more and more.

Anyway, I just wanted you to lnow that.

[Hepatica]

lotusblume
I wish I had a book to offer you and maybe I will if I do a search. I can tell you to look up Therapy In a Nutshell and learn all you can about the dysregulated nervous system.

Before I go into the small amount I have learned in the past few years, try to get the PPD dealt with, because out of whack hormones are so painful, but this can fairly easily be fixed with a visit to the doctor.

I raised my child knowing nothing about the dysregulated nervous system and I couldn't figure out why I behaved badly at times, when I knew, cognitively how I was behaving was not what I wanted to do. There were so many times I went down that shame spiral, after I'd yelled and said I'd never yell again, and then a week later, there I was yelling. I'd end up in bed crying and so upset at this feeling of being powerless over my own bad behaviour, and yet I loved my child so much.

You have to know that healing the nervous system and becoming regulated are really possible, but that there is work involved. It is not a quick fix. Irene Lyon talks a lot about it in her Youtube videos and she has online courses around healing this.

One thing that I did differently, even though I made a lot of errors, is I was able to say sorry to my child. I knew my behaviour was strangely wrong. I didn't get defensive about it. I just felt very sad and I gave true, remorseful apologies. It is not the way I'd have chosen to behave, but I didn't have any help and I had no awareness of C-PTSD at the time. I have to forgive myself.

But there is a lot more information and help around this than ever before. Please know that you do not have to be perfect. There is no perfection but trying to heal is very very meaningful.

Nobody is the perfect parent. All of us have meltdowns and have 'worst self' days - but I do know if we come from trauma in our childhood, it can feel even more overwhelming and I encourage you to get support. There are so many great videos on youtube teaching about it now. Sukie Baxter is another great resourse on Youtube and her videos are free.

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. But I am happy to see that you are sitting with the questions around it. You are a self-aware parent and that is going to help you heal and model to your child a mother who is choosing a healthier way to be. And that means your child is lucky. All the best to you and big, big 

[Call Me Cordelia]

Yeah postpartum doesn't last forever lol. If it did nobody would have more than one child and the human race would be doomed. This is one area where I like to move the goalposts on myself a little bit as far as giving myself slack goes. For the first week, I do absolutely nothing. Then "postpartum" can be six weeks, doing mostly nothing. Then six months, where I'm not expecting great feats or much more than basic needs covered for the family. Nutritious simple meals, clean clothing. Still prioritizing nursing that baby and being rested, and doing what feels good to me to do as far as exercise, extra jobs, etc. Still okay with wearing clothing with no structure to it. Slowly you will fully re-enter the stream of life without really knowing exactly when you did it.

I don't know exactly how old your child is, but I absolutely agree that it is wise to put stuff with your parents waaaay on the back burner. That's really the proper order of things anyway, regardless of the age of your children. If you have minor kids, their needs come first. If it's stressing you out, that's a sign to you. It's okay to do an honest harms/benefit analysis here. Respectfully, I am not reading PPD into your post so much as unfair expectations on yourself to handle a proven toxic and overwhelming relationship reentering your life simultaneously with this other thing that absolutely is taking over your life and rightfully so! But of course follow up with your doctor/midwife/therapist as you think appropriate! It's always good to check in.

Are you perhaps feeling guilt about being NC and keeping grandparents and grandchild apart? If so, and that's the source of the urgency, I say it's absolutely okay and very likely prudent to wait. The baby doesn't know the difference or care one bit about grandma at this point, but you are his world. He will certainly be affected by your emotional state. Cortisol is terrible for bonding and happy babies. Taking care of yourself IS taking care of the baby. It may suck for the grandparents, but if they are the sort of people who pushed you into NC... well the blame is not yours my friend. Whether they react badly or graciously to a delay, that's useful information.

Congratulations and best wishes! I'm so glad you checked in here! It's hard for others, especially men, to understand the seismic shift that occurs in a woman when she becomes a mother, even in the best of circumstances. We need each other.

[lilith]

I second everything Leonor said 💜 Congratulations on your beautiful baby 😊💐 Postpartum can be real hell for a lot of women. And the less support you have, the worse it can be. Don't blame yourself for the nightmarish state you're feeling in. Our hormones are everything, they determine our mental state - it's not your fault. You need good medical care, a therapist, and help with the baby. And maybe, this is just my opinion so take it or leave it, but maybe you need to put any contact with your family to one side and simply allow yourself to ignore that problem until you come out of the postpartum tunnel. You don't owe them anything, and you need all your strength for yourself right now.

Love and hugs 💜💐

[lotusblume]

Thank you all so much. Beautiful posts that accompanied many smiles and tears!! I appreciate every word, and I'm hoping this post will be a good topic for others also.

Things were going better for a few days, and then, wham! FaceTime call with my parents yesterday, pending potential plans, and then today I was a simmering under the surface mess.

Cool on the exterior, but one stressor added in, and I lost my internal locust of control, DH and I got into an argument, where I unleashed my stress onto him, instigating the fight with my bad attitude, and he came back and said something like since I grew up in a family of $(&;$: it was causing me to spiral out. I pushed his buttons, to be fair, but those words were just spinning in my mind. In these situations, even if I am the one instigating, I take the response that hurts me and victimize myself. The situation got better, than worse, than better — I am trying these boundaries where I leave the room so I don't allow myself to blow up at him, and try to calm things when they are getting overheated. It works well in the short term, but I ended up leaving the house, going to get diapers and out of the scene.

When I got back he asked me if my tantrum was over. This always hurts me, and he knows it, but he always says this. He has his blinders on when it comes to insensitive things that he does. I know my behaviour needs adjusting, I'm working really hard on it, but frankly, sometimes he says or does things that I find unfunny,  critical or flat out dismissive. It reminds me of some ways my mother used to act. So, I'm acting like my mother in some ways, and in some ways, he is.

Meanwhile, my actual mother, is not doing anything particularly hurtful, she's just being herself, which just means I'm not to expect her to nourish me emotionally, or provide me with anything.

Usually, my emotional needs are met with my DH. But when I start to flashback, and he says even when he is the most loving I still push him away (true!)— but when I start to flashback, he does a great job of saying insensitive things. And then I end up half-blaming him, knowing fully well that you can't make anyone feel anything... but still wanting to blame half of him for at least half of my feelings. LOL.

I'm a mess.

[square]

The "tantrum" remark is totally hurtful - invalidating, contemptuous.

If you ask him, when things are calmer, to please not say that or similar jabs again, would he work on that?

And if he is doing something other than just getting in jabs, like trying to see if the storm is over (and boy is that a lousy way to do that) maybe you guys can figure out better wording or some other ritual altogether (a particular joke, a hug, anything) to reestablish contact?

I hope so.

[Leonor]

Urg, DHs.

Dear Lotus, it stinks when they say things like that and we're not out of the flashback yet. We go right back into it.

It's not a bad idea to distance yourself in the heat of an argument so you can do some self-soothing and re-center a bit. And someone can gracefully retire with quiet dignity from a fight with their spouse, well, I'd like to see that. And everyone knows the upset spouse who welcomes back his seething wife with a warm tender hug and mug of hot cocoa-- his name is Prince Charming and he lives in a fairy tale.

Don't beat yourself up about it. Once I stormed out of the house in a rage and drove off in the car, and DH, not to be outdone, stormed out of the house too, but since I had taken the car, he got on the bus!

The tantrum remark is hurtful, but from your post it seems like dh is an overall good guy. It may feel safer inside to get upset with him because he is an overall good guy. And he may say lousy stuff from time to time, but he does see that your family isn't healthy and they're upsetting you.

A few books that I think you might find helpful are Vicki Iovine's The Girlfriend's Guide to the First Year and Pete Walker's CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. Then I'd recommend drawing a nice hot soapy bath and read Vicki when you need to laugh and Pete when you feel triggered. Warm baths are wonderful for emotional flashbacks, as are walks in nature, and naps.

I'd be interested to see what our fellow OoFers have to say but could dh run some interference for you with mom until you're back on your feet a little? Oh, Lotus is napping/in the shower/at appointment, everything fine, talk soon, kind of thing?

I know it's triangulation in a way but really you just need a break from her. And DHs like to have Something To Do especially if it seems like a protective kind of task. Because he's a little postpartum too, probably exhausted and freaking out and general new dad kind of thing.

It's okay, I promise.

[Hepatica]

lotusbloom,
it's okay to be a mess, although I know it feels awful. You're not alone. My sense from what you've written is the simmering after the Facetime call with your parents has thrown you. You want to be good to them, but something in you is not okay with letting them get close (at this time.) Someone said in another post and I'm sure I've read it somewhere too, that anger (the simmering controlled kind too) is us needing to set boundaries. I don't know your history but I wonder if your parents have crossed your boundaries in the past and your simmering is the "growl" to not let them do it again.

It is not good for your Dh to make light of what you are going through. If you have trauma this is a big deal. You are in pain. And you are confused about what is coming up for you. He needs to take this seriously. Ask him if he can help you settle, rather than throwing ammunition into the simmering coals.

Lots of baths, a candle, and some mindfulness meditation where you work on self-compassion will help you. Check out Kristen Neff and Tara Brach on youtube.

Take note of when you feel angry. It is an emotion that will tell you a lot about how much space you need at this time. If you can sit with it and allow it to be there to tell you what "it" needs, you might find some answers. If you need space from your parents and a better attitude from your Dh, that's okay. That is you implementing self-care.

[Leonor]

Hi Lotus,

It's okay. And I think that what you and dh are going through ... again, postpartum! ... is normal too.

You know, we kind of expect our spouses to be these amazing, super healed people, especially if their families weren't as bad as ours were. Like they should know that when we're upset, we're in an emotional flashback, and they should be able to say, "I know Leonor just yelled at me that my mom is a malignant narcissist and I should just go live with her because I obviously love my mom more than her and am emotionally underdeveloped neanderthal" while slamming doors all over the house, but she's been traumatized and I shall instead respond with equilibrium and calm without sounding patronizing and honoring her pain while offering to get therapy for dudes, make her some tea and teach the baby algebra.

Right. Instead, you're likely to be left with a bewildered, pissed off spouse who decides that humor is a great idea and says the most stupid thing he can think of in a lame attempt to make you laugh and a way to end the argument on his terms.

Mature? No. Sensitive? No. Passive aggressive? Yeah, some! But abusive or cruel? I don't know.

I would imagine that he lashes out at your family because he's frustrated being on the receiving end of your pain after mom gets a FaceTime call. Like, Mom's the problem, and yet I'm getting the attitude! So the more he learns about trauma, the better he will be at responding when you're in it. He's not thinking oh Lemon's in a cptsd flashback, he's thinking, well, that was a lousy thing LL just said to me! And even if he does know, he might not have the inner calm in that moment to respond the way he knows would be most helpful. Just as if you know you're freaking out about your mom, and snapping at your h instead, but can't seem to be able to stop either the freaking out or the snapping.

It's also likely that he's triggered too. When I am triggered and dh is not, he's the best person to turn to. When he's triggered and I'm not, I am the sweetest, mist wise and supportive wife. But if we're both triggered, we're lousy. This gets even more complicated when you live together, because you trigger each other and before you can spell CPTSD, you're off to the races.

Also, there's a reason, I think, why so many of us abuse survivors wind up marrying the people we do - often, they're OTHER abuse survivors!  For many years I was the one with the problem and my family was horrific, and now I've come through a lot with my folks and, bingo! It's time for the IL drama to emerge.

So your dh might, just might, be dealing with issues of his own, and that's why he's not very good at responding to you. Everybody has their work to do.

I love the idea of having a phrase or word that means, ok, time out, love you, feel crappy. For me, it's "I'm having a hard time." At any point I can say that, and it's my way of saying "I am in an emotional flashback and can no longer hear you or stop myself right now."

That night be a nice place to start, when you two are in a good place, baby resting, you all showered and in clean pj's.

You don't have to tackle it all right now. Remember, postpartum!

[Amadahy]

Congratulations, mama.  xoxo

I want to go home with Leonor.  LOL. 

My littles are grown and I am entering the crone stage, so I've had time to reflect.  I wish, wish, wish I had given myself grace.  I was very poorly mothered and had zero motherly help or affirmation with my children.  I have a very wonderful DH, who is *just now* after 32 years wed beginning to understand that 90% of my responses to life are informed by the trauma I suffered as a child. So, I had a shit mother and a sweet, but uninformed DH, and the voice in my head that spewed the toxic lie that I was not enough.

Well, yeah.  We are enough.  I am 16 years post-partum (hahaha) and Leonor's affirmation brought tears to my eyes.

Let your parents wait.  For you.  For your wee one.  Wish I'd done that.  I visit Nmom in her care home once/week and DH knows by my demeanor which day I've gone.  Our loved ones are safe enough to see our angst, so they do when we are triggered or pent up with our own layers of grief/sadness/fear/resentment/etc.  Lucky them, eh?  Give yourself a break from mom and pop and tend to your needs now.  Best wishes and warm hugs.  xoxo

[Andeza]

Ugh, I did the same thing when I was still in contact with my uBPDm. If I called her or emailed her or texted... I felt horrible after and didn't even realize it. As a result, I did treat my DH like, well, crap. He caught all the crap I needed to shed after speaking to the person in my life that hadn't given me anything but abuse and pain for a long time. He told me what was happening and I flatly denied it, for years.  When I finally admitted it to myself, I realized I had nearly destroyed my relationship with my husband beyond repair. The last 3-4 years have been just learning how to interact like a normal married couple.

And Leonor is right. Once we cleared up the crap with my family, the ILs halos all started to look a little bit tarnished... then downright rusty... until finally they crumbled into dust and we saw them for what they are. With the low-functioning PD out of the way (my mom) the high-functioning ones were finally revealed. And with that, we started looking at DH's childhood and realized that he was abused too. So here we are, two abused people, trying to heal, trying to cope, and sometimes trying not to say anything mean to eachother and just give the grace we would want in return. There's been a great deal of mellowing out to do for both of us.

Be gentle with yourself. Beating yourself up, trust me, doesn't help.

[nanotech]

100 per cent been there done that and got the t shirt.
Didn't realise for years and years that when BPDmum or UNPD dad and sibs pushed my buttons that I took it out on my family of choice.
It was very much exacerbated by childbirth and parenthood. We can be so vulnerable to criticism and questioning from PD relatives.

I yelled at my kids and husband because my mum upset me on a stupid phone call. I can't remember what she said, I just sort of flipped afterward.
At the time I wouldn't even have blamed her because it was always done so subtly. My hubby actually linked the call with the change in my behaviour, but I didn't ! I can remember feeling that he was right, yer opening my mouth and saying he was wrong!
The result of many phone calls from my mum would be that I would feel a failure. Then that would make me feel defensive and angry.

I'm NC with most of them, and mum has passed on. I have two PD sibs who are just awful to be around. I'm  VLC with dad. I can only see dad on his own. I can cope as long as hubby is there. I no longer attend family get togethers as their behaviour is terrible.
My family's dysfunction has caused all sorts of problems in my marriage.
Even though hubby noticed that one time, he didn't look deeper into cause/ effect and so he  couldn't see the pattern of abuse for a long time. He couldn't understand why my behaviour would suddenly change after  being around my FOO. 
Yet the love was there, so we kissed and made up.
These guys, they love us unconditionally, and we're not used to that!
Then a big crisis happened when BPD  mum was ill - it meant everyone's masks flew off. My kids, who were teenaged
and young adults by then, saw the dysfunction for the first time. Hubby saw how deep it really went.  Even I hadn't realised the extent of my own abuse, until then.
I wish I'd understood what was going on back when my kids were little.
It's hard for you now, but you're aware of it all when I was still blind as a bat. You're  on your way to  living your best life. 

[lotusblume]

This!!!! Thank you. You nailed it. I appreciate it, so much.

Hi Lotus,

It's okay. And I think that what you and dh are going through ... again, postpartum! ... is normal too.

You know, we kind of expect our spouses to be these amazing, super healed people, especially if their families weren't as bad as ours were. Like they should know that when we're upset, we're in an emotional flashback, and they should be able to say, "I know Leonor just yelled at me that my mom is a malignant narcissist and I should just go live with her because I obviously love my mom more than her and am emotionally underdeveloped neanderthal" while slamming doors all over the house, but she's been traumatized and I shall instead respond with equilibrium and calm without sounding patronizing and honoring her pain while offering to get therapy for dudes, make her some tea and teach the baby algebra.

Right. Instead, you're likely to be left with a bewildered, pissed off spouse who decides that humor is a great idea and says the most stupid thing he can think of in a lame attempt to make you laugh and a way to end the argument on his terms.

Mature? No. Sensitive? No. Passive aggressive? Yeah, some! But abusive or cruel? I don't know.

I would imagine that he lashes out at your family because he's frustrated being on the receiving end of your pain after mom gets a FaceTime call. Like, Mom's the problem, and yet I'm getting the attitude! So the more he learns about trauma, the better he will be at responding when you're in it. He's not thinking oh Lemon's in a cptsd flashback, he's thinking, well, that was a lousy thing LL just said to me! And even if he does know, he might not have the inner calm in that moment to respond the way he knows would be most helpful. Just as if you know you're freaking out about your mom, and snapping at your h instead, but can't seem to be able to stop either the freaking out or the snapping.

It's also likely that he's triggered too. When I am triggered and dh is not, he's the best person to turn to. When he's triggered and I'm not, I am the sweetest, mist wise and supportive wife. But if we're both triggered, we're lousy. This gets even more complicated when you live together, because you trigger each other and before you can spell CPTSD, you're off to the races.

Also, there's a reason, I think, why so many of us abuse survivors wind up marrying the people we do - often, they're OTHER abuse survivors!  For many years I was the one with the problem and my family was horrific, and now I've come through a lot with my folks and, bingo! It's time for the IL drama to emerge.

So your dh might, just might, be dealing with issues of his own, and that's why he's not very good at responding to you. Everybody has their work to do.

I love the idea of having a phrase or word that means, ok, time out, love you, feel crappy. For me, it's "I'm having a hard time." At any point I can say that, and it's my way of saying "I am in an emotional flashback and can no longer hear you or stop myself right now."

That night be a nice place to start, when you two are in a good place, baby resting, you all showered and in clean pj's.

You don't have to tackle it all right now. Remember, postpartum!

[lotusblume]

Thank you all for your posts, they resonate highly with my experience. It feels good to share, these things follow the same kinds of patterns. Human beings! Traumatized and trying to figure it out and be loving and conscientious.

My mother is a queen of denial, so even if everything is pleasant on the surface, there is a low-grade depression and anger that is triggered when we communicate, because she doesn't see me. I've realized after these few years of NC (ish), that we only know the enmeshed version of each other. Her veneer of caution and denial is so thick that it's hard for me to connect with her. I have spent years trying to excavate deeper conversations (about our relationship, and family things) of which she wants nothing to do.

I think this causes old feelings of rejection to come to surface for me. I told her about some of the most important career news of my life to date (downplayed it, managed my expectations and didn't emphasize it so I didn't give her TMI), and she was unfazed. She said weird things which showed she was competitive with me (a trait I wanted to deny during my major recovery process), etc. It's like seeing how she actually treats me (like she's the child and I'm the adult, or some weird role-reversal underpinning) is becoming more apparent when we talk.

She hasn't said anything mean — in fact, she's seeming to walk on eggshells. But thAts not what I want, I don't want to dominate her, I just want her to be cool and vulnerable enough to have some truth come through. Still hoping, deep down, despite knowing I must manage expectations.

She also always wants to drag me back into the past, it's like I never left to her. I've grown And changed immensely, and she reminds me every other sentence of everything and everyone behind me.

[Andeza]

 

I felt that one, lotus.

Parentification. With a term, we can unlock new truths and shed light where there is darkness.

I want to shave something that has helped me. Each day when you get up, plan one thing you will do just for yourself that day. Maybe a cup of tea, or a soak, or something else you enjoy. It helps with stress levels.