It's Been A While

[jennfr]

Warning, long post.  Long story for a recent upset.

Hi it's been awhile. 

Years back it came to my attention that Mom has BPD.  Oh, such a lightbulb!  Also she has ADD, well, that was clear from the first time I ever heard the term, "Attention DEFICIT..."

My landlord at the time was a mental health professional.  At that time, he had met her once, for maybe 45 minutes. (That was 45 minutes of Her talking At him, when she had sought him out "for a moment," whilst making us Even Later for something-or-other that had been oh-so-important to her that we would leave immediately... )  That during a mom-visit which I had endured, & I think Mostly managed to avoid arguments despite her provocations.   Afterward, a coworker had asked, "How was the visit?"  When I gave a brief, partial synopsis, coworker said, "Gee, she sounds kind of Borderline..."

That was enough for all the pins to drop.  I pondered this for a couple days, thinking coworker was right; but, looking up definitions I wasn't so sure.   Nevertheless I felt I'd had a Great Revelation. 

Then it was rent day.  As I brought the rent to the landlords, mentioned this Revelation to Mrs. Landlord.  She said, what is this disorder?  And I said, well, I'm not so sure because I'm not sure the definitions fit.... 

And this is when Mr. Landlord a Mental Health Professional, spoke up.  He said, "Yes, Jen. Your Mom absolutely Does have Borderline Personality Disorder."  I told him I thought this knowledge was gonna make a huge difference to me, and he told me, I was absolutely correct. 

And, it did.  I looked online for help and resources and, amongst other thing came across this forum.  The Toolbox and Resources – so helpful!  Variations of NC, medium chill, gray rock over the years.  I was able to not only help myself, but also help non-PD Dad also, to some extent, to recover from the damage as well.

A couple years ago, non-pd Dad passed away.  I had shared apartment with him most of my adult life.  So, that was an adjustment.  Lowered some boundaries with bpd-mom, then had to work to re-establish them.  Not as firmly, though.  She lives far away, and at this point doesn't visit.  (She says she wants to, but creates her own obstacles.)  I don't always end phone conversations when I needed to. 

I've been going to a small church for years now.  Long before I had the "Revelation" about Mom's bpd, my Pastor understood.  Both he and his wife, from not-a-lot explaining from me, saw my mom Clearly.   Heh, just typing this right now, brings tears to my eyes.  It wasn't the "we're on your side" type of sympathy that doesn't actually understand, and thus often makes it worse.  Instead, they saw her Clearly, more clearly than they could explain to me, just from what little I had told them.  (And when I learned of her bpd, and talked to them, they said, "yes, of course, we could see that.")

I suppose that others reading this, on this forum, might understand.  To know that, with them, just a few words about a mom-conflict, and they would clearly see the truth of it; to know that They did not have any hesitance or wonder if -I- might have been the one at fault.  Just to KNOW that, these people in my life would have had-had-my-back... ,,and correctly,, ...meant that I did not even Need to talk with them, in most cases.  Just to Know that they would understand, IF I did, was sufficient. 

But, here I am now.

At the beginning of this year, my pastor retired.  Yes, they're still reachable.  They moved away, but within the same state.  There is email, there are phones.  But, it's Not the Same.  THEY are not My pastor and My pastor's wife anymore.

My new pastor, and his wife.  Would they understand?  I don't even know.  I mean, if I sit and talk to them ... well, they will understand I'm upset by something.  But will they, "Get It?" 

My Mom's particular lunacy often centers on food, and health and wellness.  Alternative therapies, Supplements, Health foods, food restrictions and control, food craziness.  (And yes, as for many of us I'm sure, this pandemic has only made it so-much-worse.) 

At church a few weeks ago, coffeetime after church.  Pastor's wife said something about a relative – her kid maybe, not sure – thinking she serves spoiled food.  And I said something, how my Mom won't throw out food, it goes bad but she thinks its good & should just eat around the bad part.  Pastor's Wife said, "Yes! I'm like that!" She was smiling as she said it as something to be proud of. 

Now, I don't Think Pastor's Wife has my mom's craziness.  I often have to remind myself, that Just Because my bpd-Mom does or believes something, does Not make that thing wrong. 

BUT.  I feel like I lost a foundation-pillar. 

I feel like I felt that pillar shake when my pastor's wife said "Yes! I'm like that!" 

Then this past weekend, an argument with Mom on the phone.  Well it happens time-to-time nowadays.  I talk to her more frequently, and don't establish the boundaries as quickly as before.  Sometimes this works.  I have pets now.  We can have reasonably pleasant conversations about my pets & hers, and stop there.  And that way, we both know we are connected to each other & love each other.  As long as I am attentive, re-direct, and remember Not to let our convo ramble as if we were normal...

But no.  I took the initiative.  I am the one who decided to tell her that, one of the supplements she felt the need to send me, my body has clearly told me to NOT ever take it.  In fact it made me sick.  To which her response – and why should this surprise me? Why should it bother me? – her response is to tell me how I should've instead added in Yet Another supplement, and yet another; if this supplement gives me symptoms of a mineral overdose that means I need these other supplements at the same time; and she has researched so much about this, and it's SOOO IMPORTANT and I need it because I am -More Likely- to get covid since I was vaccinated...  and yes there goes the rabbit hole and she no longer listens and as I raise my voice to try to be heard she is just yelling over me and getting herself more and more agitated....  So I have to hang up.  What else can I do?

And then.  I know this is my own fault.  I actually brought up the supplement in order to tell her it made me ill.  (She is the one who, in previous convo which also ended similarly, insisted on Sending me these supplements.)  I shouldn't have done that.  She had called, and we were set to have a pleasant conversation about pets, and she was even ending the call, when I felt the need to let her know the supplement made me ill. 

OF COURSE we would then have a big argument.  What was I thinking?  She was being good.  She was doing well.  We were going to have a nice conversation with no argument at all.  So nice and normal, enough, that I acted like it really was just nice and normal. 

So I guess this is part of why I'm still upset by this, several days later.  I guess I'm "beating myself up" over this.  Maybe? Or maybe not. 

Because I'm also just feeling anger about it.  You who would freak if a Doctor told you to take some medication & gave you a problem & then told you to add another medication to cover its effects.  BUT you are happy to over-prescribe minerals and supplements to me, with no knowledge of MY body, and it's okay because it's somehow "natural," or alternative or etc etc.  And I tell you my body does NOT need extra of that mineral, and you ask if I've been tested while telling me I haven't and also telling me the standard values are wrong so that even if I was tested I'm still deficient and need it.  EVEN THOUGH I'VE just told you that my body is reacting in a way that indicates, TOO MUCH of that mineral. 

It makes me angry!!  It really does.   This is not new, this is one of the things I work so hard to avoid in our conversations.  If I actually tell you that something is WRONG for MY body, why must you NOT RESPECT THAT??

...and then, alternatively, since I knew of course that my Mom would not respect my "No," then I AM WRONG for having brought it up.  Right?  I could have kept quiet.  I should have not shared.  So it's my fault we had this argument that I'm angry about.

And somehow.  Somehow.  Part of the reason this keeps getting to me, is because I no longer have that solid dependable certainty that my pastor & pastor's wife would 100% understand.  I think I would have shrugged it off already. 

But I haven't.  Maybe I'm less bothered than a few days ago.  But I'm also bothered that it still bothers me.  And I'm trying to figure out where to go with this.  What to do with my "mad;" how to shake it off.  How to not let it get-to-me in the future. 

To anyone who has read all this, thank you, and I apologize for the superlong post. 

[JenniferSmith]

First let me say I really feel for you and I think you have a lot of inner strength!!

Here are a few things that jumped out at me:

1. The loss of that deep level of understanding from your former pastor and his wife.  That was a special gift they could offer you and it is not easy to replace. I would imagine it feels like they've left an empty hole that cannot be filled. Some people really make a difference in our lives and its so hard when they can't be there for us the way they used to.

2. In order to have any connection with your mom, your only option is to talk about pets.  Such a small, restricted window through which to share and connect with another person. Being a human who has deeper needs than just the surface dialogue about a pet, and perhaps wanting understanding, respect, acceptance, and trust from your mom, you made the simple comment about how the supplement affected you.  And then, in that moment, you didn't get any of those things from her.

3. Then its the reminder of how its always been with her, and all the pain that comes with that. The grief over her not being able to be the mother you need and want her to be.

While your feelings of anger, hurt, and disappointment are strong in this post, I actually see a lot of insight and growth as well.  You figured out a strategy to connect with your mom in a positive way (talking about pets). Then you experienced what happens with her when you step outside that tiny little box.  Its a painful lesson, but it shows you that your instincts are on track and are guiding you toward good choices for yourself.

This story you've described here is an example of the long painful slog of attempting to hold onto a connection to parents like this. You are trying and have tried, and that shows you have inner strength!!  Its not a sign of weakness or failure that you tested the waters with the comment about a supplement. Its very, very difficult to break those deeply rooted patterns with our parents.  Deep down we yearn so much for them to meet those important needs. Often we have to go back over and over again until we finally accept the truth that they are not able to.

While the issues were different, I maintained a relationship with my father that was also very restricted in terms of what we could talk about. If we deviated from that narrow list of topics, everything fell apart.  I worked on the pain from that for decades until he died. I wanted a deeper, closer, and more authentic connection with him so much, and he just couldn't do it.  I would come home from a visit with him and just sob being reminded yet again of all the unmet needs I felt from him. Even after years of therapy and knowing that he could not connect to me in any deeper ways, I could still feel crushed after a conversation with him, so I really get what you went through here with your mom. 

[jennfr]

JenniferSmith -- Thank you.  So much! Thank you.

[1footouttadefog]

If it was me I would be in part saddened and frustrated because this episode would be illustrating the fact that I would never be able to have open candid conversations with my mother.

I would have to process the grief that I could not have that mother that I deserved.

If I did not have someone else I could have that level of sharing with, I would likely hurt even more in the moment.

It took me several layers of acceptance that I cannot have normal adult conversations with my spouse.  It was certainly not a one and done realization.  I would get lulled in by periods of seeming normality then realize I had expected what was not possible and set myself up for disappointment.

I think it's awesome that you have found a safe way to communicate with your mother that serves your and her needs.  Talking about the pets and keeping things comfortable.  It's awesome.  Don't let a set back totally discourage you.

As for the others in your life, pd-ness is a sliding scale and even great Nirmal folks have oddities in a given area or slip into a bad behavior at times.  It's easy to fall into pd under ever rock and around every corner thinking when we come Out of the FOG.

When I recognize such things I register them as red flags and proceed with caution but don't always jump to the conclusion someone is a pd.  There are however some red flags that are deal breakers.  We get to decide and don't have to account for such self protective boundaries.

I hope that as your chosen family/tribe expands that you find your needs for emotional connection met with healthy folks.  As with your mother, many such relationships will need to be managed at a healthy level.  It's easy for nons who have been used to enmeshed relationships due to having pds in our life to try to be all in on all friendships etc, when in reality some relationships will be deeply connected and others more social and surface, like drinking buddy and confidant versus book club member for example.