My uPD husband has died

[GentleSoul]

I used to post here a lot and learnt so very much about how to cope with living with my alcoholic, uPD husband. 

My best and life changing tool was Medium Chill, that was an absolute game changer for me.  Allowed me to keep going.

Anyway as the title says, he passed away. A few days ago.  I had managed to get our relationship reasonable-ish. 

It was from a long term illness, I think that was why I hung on in there with him, I knew it would end quite soon.  Also it helped me enormously to do healing work on my own traumas from childhood.  I do feel too, had I left this man, in my unhealed state I would have just rushed into another relationship with a man with exactly the same traits.  Repeated the exact same dysfunctional "dance".

Having done the work on myself, I know I will not do that.

I was very sad when he passed, I am missing him BUT what a difference in my life already.

I am not on eggs shells, I have been having work done on my home, he would have been in a high state of anxiety about that and causing a tense atmosphere.   

My friends have been phoning to check on me, I have been able to relax and chat to them.  Laughing and enjoying myself. 

Food wise I have been able to eat when and what I want.    I have noticed some many improvements in my life already.

I think there will be an enormous amount more as time goes on.

[Starboard Song]

Godspeed to you.

I am sorry for the loss and grief you are experiencing. I am happy for your optimism.

Just based on the complexity within this single post, there will be a complex emotional roller coaster ahead I suspect. So prepare yourself for the ride as you adjust to this new world.

I am so happy that you already see positives, and you describe your past choices with a great deal of self-awareness and health. That's just great. You've done well for yourself. You've prepared yourself for this hard day. And you are ready for the next chapter.

Be good. Be strong.

[GentleSoul]

Hello Starboard Song

Thank you very much for your thoughtful reply and kind wishes.

I do indeed feel ready for the next chapter of my life. 

[GettingOOTF]

Gentle Soul, I have read many of your posts in my time here.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I truly believe that there is no wrong choice. We make the decisions as and when we are able to.

I'm sure you will feel a mix of emotions over the coming months.  There is always an understanding and encouraging ear for you here.

[losingmyself]

Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you as you move into this new part of your life.
I'm glad you are feeling peace.
God bless you for taking care of him the way you did.
You are truly a Gentle Soul, and you deserve the best.

[Boat Babe]

Sending condolences for your loss and encouragement for your future. 💖

[Fae Greenwood]

Gentle Soul, my sympathies for your loss. I hope you continue the healing process.

[GentleSoul]

Hello

Thank you all so much for your kind support.

Thank you Getting Out of the FOG, Losing Myself, Boat Babe and Fae Greenwood.

I will be fine, actually I am now.  I will move through the loss process.  Allow myself to fully feel every thing that comes up in  me.

I feel great peace around my hubby.  I did everything I could to support him with his illness (heart failure and a long list of other illnesses caused by his life long drinking).  The care giving I gave could not have been better. I enjoyed doing much of it, it was satisfying to me. 

He was a very anxious, mentally unwell person his whole life. He often said it just had no idea how to cope with life.  Like he had not been given the Handbook of Instructions.  On the other hand, he could be deeply unpleasant.  He was very covert, never shouted at me, no direct insults, all under hand quiet type undermining.  Hard for me to challenge, also often hard for me to see.  I had a general feeling of uneasiness a lot of the time.   

I was a very strong woman when we met.  That was what he liked about me, of course.  That strength was gradually drained away by him.  He took and did not give. 

That strength had started to come about a year, 18 months ago.  When I was ready to claim it back for myself. 

I now see a very strong woman in the mirror.  A woman I like very much.  I have a tool box full of tools to use in life.  I have built an awesome support system around me.  Hubby had isolated us 100% to fit in with his need to drink when he needed to.  I reversed that for me.  He remained isolated which was fine and up to him, I stepped out.  Lots of it online, of course, due to Covid. 

I am finding speaking to my self out loud is a big help.  As I process, I say it. 

So am processing and feeling my loss, alongside moving forward. 

The paperwork side of it will take a little while still, which is fine. Is all fine.  No rush.   No rush.  No one pushing me to "hurry up, hurry up"!!

I can go at my own speed. The rush rush thing was to push me into things he knew I knew were not wise to get into. 

[bloomie]

Gentle Soul - I am so sorry for the loss of your H. I have heard it said that often after losing a loved one who has had such difficulty coping with life there is grief and there is equal relief. That makes a lot of sense to me and I believe I may hear both in your sharing and processing all of this.

I am awed by the grace, dignity, love, and compassion you have shown in your marriage. I am thankful for the growth and healing you have already experienced and how that will inform your life as it opens up to so many possibilities ahead. Thank you so much for sharing so authentically and honestly about this process for you.

Thank you for giving such insights into the complexity of marriage to, and loss of, a husband with addiction and mental health issues.

Peace to you as you go forward.

[GentleSoul]

Thank you, Bloomie, for your thoughtful and supportive post.

It was a very complex relationship we had, I am so thankful he is at peace now. 

I hope my sharing my journey maybe helps others as well as helping me process it and move forward.

I am confident I will build a good life for myself. 

[SparkStillLit]

Gentle Soul, you really are. Peace and love to you as you go on with your beautiful life. Peace to your H finally at a peaceful place himself. May he now be well and content.

[GentleSoul]

Thank you, Spark Still Lit.   For your kind words of encouragement.

[Mary]

Your story is an encouragement to us. Please keep sharing!

Also, as an aside, my grandmother lost her alcoholic husband at about age 75. Then she began traveling the world and enjoying life immensely for another 26ish years! It was so fun to watch.

[Frankie14]

Sorry to hear this Gentle...

We have conversed on here before; my PDH is also an alcoholic, he is currently sober for 1 1/2 years but the bad behavior continues (dry drunk, mope, whining, spending has replaced drinking).

I wish you a life of peace and serenity...I for one cannot wait for the day PDH leaves..his constant life messes are draining.  I think we have discussed this in the past, when you shared your H was sick, my worries are my PDH will get sick and expect me to take care of him for the duration of my lifetime (unlike you, I will not, you are a loving kind person); I am not..

I am also confident you will build a nice life for yourself.  Enjoy it!!

[GentleSoul]

Hello Mary, thank you for sharing about your grandmother.  I quietly suspect I may well be like her!!  Let's see what when the world reopens after Covid.



Hello Frankie, Thank you for your good wishes.  I have to agree that caring for anyone, let alone an alcoholic with a PD thrown in, is a very difficult path to take in life.    You are not obliged to care for him.  Urgh, yes the "dry drunk" behaviours are worse than the actual drinking behaviours. 

I hope you find peace and a way forward that sets you free. 

[GentleSoul]

I had wanted to leave some time before I posted an update.

Oh my goodness, the changes in my life.

I knew I liked peace, calmness and quiet but I had no idea how deep and wonderful that could feel.  I feel absolutely filled up and whole with those feelings.  So deeply and quietly content.

The battleground I had been living in has gone.  I did realise how bad it was, how much it affected me.  Yes, I used Medium Chill and our wonderful tools which helped enormously but for it to be gone is just amazing.

No mood swings to contend with. 

My energy levels are growing daily.  It is peaceful and loving energy.  I have been working on my home and absolutely loving it 

It is a peaceful haven.  My haven.

With this change I have realised a couple of friends I had are toxic, I have stopped responding to their toxic needs and they are fading out of my life.  No fuss.  I do not want people like that around me. 

Some new people have appeared.  Calm and very relaxed types.  Hopefully they will become friends.   

[GettingOOTF]

I always say it's impossible to describe what being out of a PD relationship is like to those still in it. I wasn't capable of hearing it when I was a still in either.

I know you came about it differently but the change the space you have to heal and grow is the same as if you'd had left.

I also shed a lot of friendships and pulled back from some colleagues after I left. Having the biggest abuser gone from my life allowed me to see the abuse else where. Before I thought my friends etc. were "normal". They weren't. They only seemed that way when compared to my ex.

[GentleSoul]

The battleground I had been living in has gone.  I did NOT realise how bad it was, how much it affected me. 
   

Hey all,

I noticed a type I made so have corrected it as above.  I did NOT realise how bad it was here living with a person with all those mental health issues.

[GentleSoul]

I always say it's impossible to describe what being out of a PD relationship is like to those still in it. I wasn't capable of hearing it when I was a still in either.

I know you came about it differently but the change the space you have to heal and grow is the same as if you'd had left.

I also shed a lot of friendships and pulled back from some colleagues after I left. Having the biggest abuser gone from my life allowed me to see the abuse else where. Before I thought my friends etc. were "normal". They weren't. They only seemed that way when compared to my ex  .

Many thanks for this, GettingOOTF.

My goodness, your realisation about friends/colleagues absolutely jumped out at me. 

Thank you.  Yes!!!   That is exactly the issue. 

I agree that when we are stuck in that negative place, it is impossible to imagine what it will be like when we are free.  I am delighting in discovering my "new world".   I really am. 

I am very mindful though not to hold on to any resentment or anger towards my late hubby.  If I do, he will still be affecting my life in a very negative way.  I express and release all thoughts of that type.  I journal.  I also have a recovery buddy I work daily with.

I do not want to end up bitter, full of rage, resentment etc.  I saw this play out in my mum about my dad.  They parted when I was a little kid yet she held onto her anger until literally the end of her life.  So about 30 years.  She was never free.

I did say to her that it might be better to try and let it go, her response was that if she did that, then he had "got away" with his treatment of her.  This was wrong, the only person suffering from her holding onto her anger was her.  My dad had moved on and got on with his life. 

[SonofThunder]

GentleSoul,

I'm so very sorry for the long-term anguish of having to care for and maneuver around an alcoholic PD husband and also balance that with the sadness of watching another human steadily suffer with physical ailments.  Yes, albeit those ailments were self inflicted, it is still difficult to watch another human suffer.  In addition, even though life was hard with this man, there is still much history there, so the anguish is strong.   

At the same time, it is a joy to read of your resilience and self motivation to create a life for yourself, among the difficulties of living with a PD spouse.  Now, after his passing, it seems you have fully prepared yourself for the time of beginning again, including the immense self control to live the rest of your life free of direct PD influences.   

Again, I'm sorry for the reality of the moment you are living in, with the loss of your husband and the busy period that accompanies a loss of a family member.  I hope also that you will continue, even after the dust settles, to remain here and provide valuable insight to us fellow PD path travelers at Out of the FOG, who may benefit from your valuable life experiences and lessons we may be able to apply in our own journeys.   My thoughts and prayers for your comfort and the comfort of any additional family members. 

SoT