The Maybe its Me Trap

[Lauren17]

I fell into the maybe it's me trap. And fell hard this time.
My uBPDh is passive aggressive. And he's very subtle. I read the descriptions of manipulative behavior and of BPD and I recognize them. But they're often/usually delivered in a teasing, sarcastic fashion.
I've been on this site and reading reference material. The tools are working, so his PA tricks aren't happening as often. And I started thinking. He's not that bad. Maybe it's just that our marriage is struggling and I'm being too hard on him. Maybe it's me.
Then this. He was fairly helpful with Thanksgiving dinner. Played game with the kids.  Agreed to set up the tree on Friday.
Friday morning he announces that he's going out to lunch and then to work, even though it's a holiday. I reminded him about the tree. He says he'll be home at 5:00 and will put up tree then. Along about 6:00, he says that he's going to a movie. By himself. Doesn't know which one. After dinner. When it became clear I wasn't going to get an answer about the movie, I asked about the tree. He said he would do that after dinner.
Ok. Clearly this is a power play. He got it out, assembled half of it. And left for the movies.
DD the teenager says to me. "Any ideas why Daddy is refusing to be at home today? He didn't really do anything yesterday and now he seems determined not to be with us." I said I didn't know but that it was unkind of him not to invite us.
Then she asked why the tree was half up. I told her that I had stopped asking because I think he wanted the attention. Or maybe he's putting it off because he's annoyed I'm asking. She then made a comment about him acting like a child.
The problems aren't just in my head. And they're not just affecting me.

[Whiteheron]

Sounds like the "covert narc" label would fit here nicely. I'm sure there's a version for BPD as well. Kris Godinez has a few youtube videos about this type of behavior.

Either way, it's not you.

Sorry I don't have more to offer...my PD is not the covert type, although he does avoid and throw tantrums like a child when he doesn't get enough attention or get his way. A few years ago DS (probably 13 at the time) likened his dad to a six year old throwing a tantrum when DS had a differing opinion. The kids definitely see it and recognize it as being 'off'.

[Stillirise]

It's not you. I've been feeling the same way lately.  I have been working the toolbox, which has definitely cut down on the dramatic outbursts.  However, a pervasive contemptuous vibe is now present.  I go though moments of thinking maybe if I would just open up a bit more, be less guarded, things would be more pleasant.  It is then that I remember what my previous attempts at open, honest dialogue got me—loud, degrading outbursts—so I settle for the Cold War.

My uPDh has passive aggression down to such a science that it is sometimes difficult to even notice it, until that feeling of me being confused about what I've done wrong sets in.

I have gotten to the point where I try not to wait for him or ask him to do anything.  Our tree issue yesterday was over me saying "no thank you," to him retrieving the taller ladder for me.  Now I'm labeled difficult and purposely avoiding his help. At least he has a point about one thing.  I just try not to allow myself to feel bad about it anymore!  Thank you for reminding me I'm not the only one that has to navigate a mess like this. Hang in there!

Edited to say: I truly didn't need the ladder yesterday, or I would have already gotten it myself. In my previous attempts to keep the peace, I would accept offers of help that were unnecessary or unwanted, to try and avoid pouting or outbursts. Then I realized it didn't really matter.

[xredshoesx]

i was stuck in this place for a couple of years with my ex.  the more i let myself think it was me, the more enmeshed i got  trying to fix everything thinking that would stop his mistreatment of me. 

recognizing it's not you is a big step.  having your kids be mature enough to see it for what it is is huge as well.  best to you as we all move into the holidays- 

[GettingOOTF]

I’m sorry. This is a classic power play. My BPDxH would do stuff like this all the time. Every time he did something “nice” there would be some form of punishment that followed.

My ex was also incredibly passive aggressive. His mother was a master at it so I saw early on where he learned it.

My ex used to do things like yours is doing now all the time. I later realized he was doing them to provoke a fight so he’d feel justified in storming out or if we had joint plans together, saying I couldn’t come anymore.  These incidents were usually preceded by him being “nice” the day before, this strengthened his “I’m such a good husband, and look at what a terrible wife you are” argument. I eventually stopped being drawn in to arguing. Much later, after we’d divorced, I discovered he’d been cheating on me almost the entire marriage and engineered these blowups so he could go be with the person he was currently cheating with.  So much more about the relationship and abuse made sense after that discovery.

I’m not saying your husband is cheating, just that in my experience they know exactly what they are doing and how hurtful and destabilizing it is for you.    It is not in your mind.

[Hazy111]

Passive aggressive gaslighting.  "Hes acting like a child" Who was it that said PD is a form of arrested  development ? 

[Lauren17]

Thank you so much to everyone who replied. As soon as I hit the Post button, I was embarrassed and ashamed about my post. Reading the stories here, I see that others have it much worse than me, and I'm whining about the Christmas tree. I guess I'm not as far Out of the FOG as I'd thought.

GettingOOTF, my MIL is a master at PA techniques as well. I'm also intrigued with the pattern you mentioned about "punishment" following a "nice" period.   Definitely going to be on the lookout for that.

Whiteheron, I saw a reference to covert narc on  another post here. Not mine, but it seemed to describe my situation well. Thank you for the reference. Ive looked up Kris and will definitely watch the videos.

Stillrise, I've been working hard toward not requesting or expecting help from H. The tree is physically impossible for me though. I'll start thinking up alternatives for next time.

The tree is up now. H seems to be expecting a ticker tape parade for the achievement. And then he started poking on my planned gifts for the kids. At least I'm heading in to Round 2 with more awareness.