The person Mother portrays on social media is not how she is to me

[Lilyloo]

It just blows my mind!  She portrays this sweet, kind, old lady who comments in adorable sentences and gives such praise and love on social media.  I have never in my 65 years known her to be that way. It makes me angry because people are thinking that's how she is.

Believe me, I have nothing to do with her on there! I do look at my grand daughters pictures that daughter posts and there is the actor giving precious comments


The few people I have opened up to, see those things and In my mind I think they question if I'm the nutty one. How can someone be such different personalities. Oh how I'd have loved a mother like the pretend one

I know this is insane thinking on my part, I can see that it's not worth stressing about, yet I do, why?? I just know that the damaged 'me' wants validation ,that she is nothing like that,  is that crazy?? 

[moglow]

It's not crazy to want confirmation but you may want to let go of that hope. In this situation, hope keeps us tied to the frustrations of what we've rarely or never had from our mothers. We end up wasting a whole lot of time and energy.

For me, finally seeing mother in action was actually helpful. It confirmed for me that she CAN and does turn it on and off. She's not on Facebook, but seeing and hearing her in public as opposed to what we saw so much of behind closed doors was priceless. Watching her flip in seconds from full on snarling rage to the good fairy and back again, was both terrifying and very educational. She has (and showed) absolute control at times - I watched as she carried on a normal phone conversation then picked up mid-rage the instant she hung up the phone. For once I had witnesses who were as stunned as I was.

What's been hardest for me is the sheer consistency of her LACK of consistency. Mother flips and flops all over the place and there's just no way to know which one you'll get or how long it will last. The only constancy with her is, it's gonna change on a dime and without warning. I've had to work at separating myself from it, and some times are still harder than others. That's when i go back to my belief that most of us do the best we can at any given moment on time. We just don't have our best selves available 24/7 and need to give ourselves a break. I wasted too much time trying to figure it out, and not enough teaching myself to let her stuff go. It's all a process.

[Lilyloo]

Thank you moglow!  Everything you say is so right!  Thank You. You always give great advice.  I read posts over again to make it all stick in my head.

I am hoping to get past the worry of what others think. I am reading many things on not beating myself up about what others think. I hope to heal from it soon

As far as Mother, most hope faded years ago.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Yeah, there's the mask of the false self and then the real self. That's what NPD's all about. If others can be convinced of the false self, so can she. 

[Writingthepain]

Oh yeah, when I was a kid my mom could do this sweet lovely mother act in front of others and would call me "darling" and hug me. I was always freaked out by it and it showed much to her annoyance. These days shes incapable of holding any kind of false front for long.
Ps. I have taken to recording my mom on my phone when shes raging away. It helps to know theres a record and to break the gas lighting later

[Lilyloo]

Writingthepain,  I wish I had kept all of my Mothers hateful emails to me. I always just deleted because I was so mad.  That is good you have a record and have recorded her rages.

Call Me Cordelia, So true, it is how NPDS act.  I guess I should just laugh at her

[Ariel]

How do you deal with the rates it just hurts so bad I have to run

[WomanInterrupted]

UnBPD Didi didn't have social media - she desperately wanted it, but that would mean buying a computer.  Uh oh!  I asked who she was going to hire to service and update it, and she got a really imperious look on her face, saying, "YOU will."

I shook my head - "I can't do it.  It's like the wild west out there and you'll need hire professionals."   

She insisted I'd done it before, and I repeated myself; the bottom line being NO - and that was the last talk of THAT!   

Didi was a lot like WTP's mother - in public, we were BFF's, and she was always trying to hang off me, and tell people what a WONDERFUL relationship we had, while I quietly died inside a bit more.   

After the person would leave and be out of earshot, she'd say something snide about their weight, outfit, hair - whatever she could find - and we'd be back to business as usual, with Didi scowling and acting like she's in SO much pain - until we were approached again, and she was ALL sweetness and light!   

It's one of the *many* things that drove me Out of the FOG because *everything* was an ACT - even her suffering and great pain.  She was using it to manipulate me, which pissed me off more than anybody will ever realize.

Anger keeps you *motivated* to have *good, solid boundaries* of titanium, and learn to put your own needs *first.*   

LindaLoo, if you want others to see your mom for who and what she truly is, the answer is simple:  start malfunctioning!  Stop  being the Obedient, Dutiful Doormat Daughter and watch how fast the claws come out.   

That's what I did - boundaries, Medium Chill, lowering contact and *refusing* to come to one of her semi-regular "cancer scares" or other "emergency" that landed her in the hospital (BTW - that all started once I put up enforceable boundaries for *myself*, and saying things like, "I can't do that."  "I'm very busy, and can't go."  "That's just not possible."  "I'll see what I can do, but it's not looking good.")   

The more she heard things like that, the more she was *determined* this was some kind of sick competition over WHO controls my life, and dammit all, she was going to WIN.

Except she didn't, because I *knew* I was proverbially battling for my life and *literally* battling for my freedom and autonomy! 

People who didn't know Didi thought she was all sweetness and light - that quickly changed, and strangers got to see the Didi I knew so well:  surly, nasty, grouchy, always whining or complaining, she's in pain, she's soooooooo siiiiiiiick, she's lonely, bored and old, nobody ever takes her anywhere or buys her nice things, never a nice thing to say about anything or anybody, and EVERY silver lining has a dark cloud.   

Yeah - people couldn't get the hell away from her, fast enough  - and after she openly mocked the nurses at the hospital, she had the audacity to wonder why they would come in, do their jobs and scoot, instead of hanging around to see if Her Waify Majesty needed anything!   

And *all* that came about because I stopped being a dutiful doormat, and MALFUNCTIONED!   

Why does this happen?  Well, you're not listening to her crap anymore - or putting up with it.  You've shut down gossiping, you kick all her complaints up to the appropriate person who can actually help her, you do NOTHING but stay out of the situation, because there really is *nothing* you can do, you use MC, visit infrequently - or never - and cut calls short if she starts being rude, snotty, or starts  lying her face off, or calling names with a civil, "I can see you're upset - we'll talk again later."   

She's *furious* but you've done nothing she can really put her finger on but say, "NO"  - and you're not listening to her venom and bile so  *somebody else gets to be the New You!*   

When that person says, "Adios!" - she'll have to pick another, then another, then another, and another, and pretty soon, the word is out - your mom is a *nightmare.*   

Time will go by, and as your mom ages, she'll probably just decide to throw caution to the wind and NGAF.  NO F's to G and *everybody* is going to hear the awful things that are in her head, because somehow, they deserve it for daring to exist on her planet, without asking her first.   

So that's how you start - baby steps.  Buy the book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend (Available on Amazon, in many formats), go to the Toolbox and learn to speak *fluent* Medium Chill, start putting yourself first with simple things like, "That doesn't work for me."  "I can't do that."  "I'd love to, but I'm swamped, so we'll have to do it another time." 

Your mom will probably kick up a stink that makes you *so* angry that boundaries are  *easy!*

GOOD! 

That means you've done something RIGHT!

No - she's not going to like this and no, you're not doing it to intentionally piss her off, but that's often what happens when somebody who is used to getting their way is *thwarted, regularly.*

The more you stand up for yourself, the more people are going to see the real her.

And it's about damned time they do - and get used to it - because it only keeps getting WORSE as they age, and the PD runs the show, 24/7!   

[Lilyloo]

Womaninterrupted, Thank You!

You said your Mother was always trying to hang out with you in public.  They must all be alike!

At a wedding last December my mother was grabbing my hand wanting me to walk beside her. My youngest brother was behind us taking pictures and saying "oh now that's nice to see"  His girlfriend was telling me when we were at the reception "to just get over it" meaning my very rocky relationship with my Mother.  I came home from that wedding very angry and determined to stop letting my FOO get to me again!! Since then I have seen my Mother once, and my brothers once. I skipped a family reunion because I prefer to take care of my mental health rather than be around the dysfunction

I agree that anger helps us set those boundaries and motivates us.  Just like your mother everything is an ACT with mine, from using a walker when she wants pity, to not needing it the next day. I have been lied to so many times about that walker, just to manipulate me to pity her

I also agree about malfunctioning, and I am doing it!   I told her I can't take her to her next appointment and my last email reply to her was maybe ten words. She gets all nice when I go VLC, and will email. I learned that if I am nice back she uses it to run with her complaints.  Your mother sounds so identical to mine. I hear "I'm lonely, nobody cares, I'm in such pain"  (and then she will be seen out driving and shopping)  She said to me "oh just forget about me and live your own life" 

As you said she has started to pick up other people, mainly my sister-in-law to drive her. I lost trust in this SIL. She had seemed on my side and said she knows how nasty mother is, but then put my moms picture as her FB profile picture  I have lost trust in many, but gained much in learning about what I want, what is toxic and sticking to boundaries

I have learned so much from all of you great people here on this forum!

I do think many see how my mother is but choose to ignore it.

Thank you for your very wonderful advice!   

[MamaDryad]

My mother doesn't do social media-- and believe you me, I know how lucky I am in that-- but the private/public thing is very real. One recurring memory I have from childhood is that we'd be in the kitchen (for some reason, a lot of her rages happened there; it was a tiny, narrow galley kitchen, and she would trap me at the far end and just scream and scream, when she wasn't threatening suicide-by-kitchen-knife on the spot), and she'd be going full blast... and the phone would ring.

And she would pick it up and say, in the chirpiest, calmest, most pleasant voice imaginable, "Hello?" and have a perfectly normal conversation with whoever was calling. While I was standing there, eyes and nose swollen from crying, trying to figure out WTF was happening and whether it was safe to try and sneak past her to my room.

[Lilyloo]

MamaDryad. They are all the same it seems!  I am sorry you went through that They put on a show for others, but we know the truths. I am slowing getting to where I don't care what others think. I tried for to long to convince people. 

[MamaDryad]

LindaLoo, they really are! I'm sorry for what you went through as well. It really messes with your sense of reality, doesn't it?

I still care a bit more than I probably should about how people perceive me. That stuff is hard to shake. But I'm married to someone who couldn't be more different from my image-obsessed family of origin-- her attitude is "as long as I'm not hurting anyone, what other people think of me isn't my business." It's been really good for me.

[athene1399]

I don't have this problem with M, but SO's BPDxw does this and it drives me nuts. She portrays herself as this "warrior" and "trauma survivor" (from her abusive x who is SO who is the most caring and validating person I have ever known). On social media she is this person who helps others and is self-less and humble and all that jazz. Then she plays up what a victim she is and how she never does anything wrong. And then she lies about losing her job or why she lost it).  I just stay away from Social Media. Knowing who she really is but reading all the sympathizing and "you're such a great person, SD is lucky to have you as a mom" while knowing how abusive she can be just pisses me off. And if you try to show the what else goes on you look like the bad guy.

I am sorry your mother has this "fake self" that she portrays on social media. I know how much it can eat at you and invalidates your experiences. You experiences with M are real. This mask on social media is probably a part of her disorder. You know the truth and I am sure there are others who do as well.

[Lilyloo]

Thank you athene1399 and MamaDryad

so many fake people on social media!  I think they all need those 'likes' and praise because they are searching for something! My SIL is on it constantly, from her work desk and all hours of the night.  Her family told her she's addicted!  It's true, it is an addiction with her and she is so fake. Shes sweet as pie to your face or on FB, but not loyal to family.

I do nothing on FB but search nature pages, wildlife, and I love beautiful cottages, cabins, things like that.  There is good there if you're not dealing with people     I added my daughter but nobody else. I guess that is weird, but if all the family sees you are there, then you get 'friend requests' and on and on it goes........

I keep all private on there.  I'm an introvert so social media is scary to me.

I'm not saying all people on social media are like mother and SIL. there are great people who are real and true.

Blessings to you.  This forum is so helpful