Friend says I never contacted her

[Miranda]

I am floored by the events of yesterday. My friend for a lifetime says I never called. Now here's the part that has me floored....we talked twice. I heard nothing from her for months,  so I texted and ask whats a good time to call. She said 10:30 am. I said ok I'll call on Thursday at 10:30, I made that call on May 4th.  I called and got no answer. I said to her "call me when you get in"  She did call and we talked 45 minutes.  The first call was a couple of weeks before Easter.  I texted and said "I am home all day today" "call me if you'd like"  She said she was mopping the floor.  She finally called me that day.  We talked over an hour that day.  I was the one reaching out and that's always how it is.   One reason I don't like calling her is its always the same stuff. If I try to voice any issue, she brushes me off. That is not friendship. Yet I still reach out.  I feel like such a fool.  I tend to believe others care as much as I do. I don't like hurting people.

So a month later almost from the May 4th call I  had heard nothing.  She gets so ticked off  because she "likes the phone"  She totally refuses to text me.  I've ask her many times about this.  Her answer is  she never thinks about it.    I tend to  beat myself up all the time if I'm not doing what everyone wants.  I honored her wishes to talk on the phone, yet she still refuses to text.

I texted her yesterday. I said I have called you, and you can make some effort too.  I had had it with the nonsense.  It goes like this, her guilting me for not calling, her never caring if she texts me or not, and me  thinking I should call. I DID TWICE!  She says I never did call or she just FORGOT    How important those calls must have been to her after she scolded me for not calling

This is selective on her part.  She does as she pleases.  I often wonder what makes me sit and worry about keeping communication open when others don't.  I think I try to be a good person, but all around me people just don't care anymore.  It saddens me.

I thank you for listening to my vent

[Starboard Song]

There are people like that. It can be maddening. And of course, all friendships are imbalanced at times: but we expect people to reciprocate some and to treat us fairly.

You deserve to not feel guilty about such things. I encourage you to try to feel no anger at this selective memory, but also to move forward in confidence that you've behaved well.

[Miranda]

Thank you Starboard Song! I cannot help but feel angry.  I gave my best to her. As I look back even in  high school she did the same things.  All she has to do is look on her past calls and texts to see I called.  I heard nothing back after I told her it saddens me she does not remember talking to me...what...4 weeks ago!  I'm done!

I have been a doormat all my life. A doormat to family and friends.  If anyone can tell me how to stop feeling obligated Id love that!  They don't feel obligated!.  I've sat talking to my siblings about their health and their problems. I listen with compassion to anyone. I'm hurt, sad, and frankly disgusted with my friends behavior!  My siblings never contact me so I stopped contacting them.  I believe in making people feel important, but that mindset is slowly vanishing.  It's done me only harm, and sadness and feelings of being unworthy.

I truly need someone anyone to talk to. It feels good to write this out and not feel shame in doing so.  I am slowly becoming a hermit. It hurts to much to try with people anymore. I am in my golden years, but they don't feel golden..LOL . Thank you for letting me be here

[bloomie]

Hi and welcome! I am glad you are part of this community and that you shared some of the pain and confusion you are experiencing with friends and family. I am really sorry you are going through this.

I was thinking, as I read through your post, that you sound like a wonderful friend and family member. A truly kind and considerate person. My hope, is that you will not allow those beautiful, rare qualities, to be ground out of your interactions with others and relationships.

I can relate to a lot of what you have shared about the foundations you built, at a young age, that established that others - and all of their stuff - is more important than you or your stuff. I came to a turning point in my own life and relationships where I couldn't sustain such imbalance in my relationships and... that I didn't want to.

And I was MAD!! At myself mostly, to be honest. But, the anger told me that I was healing and beginning to value myself and what I invested and offered to others. I realized it was helping me see and care about that my needs were not met and boundaries were often violated. That I had not required a reasonable level of reciprocity in relationships, ever.

Something that may sound odd, but was so beneficial was I committed to a year of refusing to take offense. Now, I don't mean refusing to feel my feelings and process them about real things that really hurt. But, by refusing to take personal offense, even when something was intensely personal, I was able to focus in on what was mine to do in the relationship or situation more clearly to free myself from relationships and situations that left me feeling bad.

As a result, I have let go so many relationships that were built on the shifting sand of me being able to maintain them as the tides washed in and out. It might be lonely during that process, but I was not alone because for the first time I was that good, loving, loyal, affirming friend to myself. The person I had known the longest and would be with to the entirety of my life. The one grown adult in my life that I was obligated to and responsible for.

And those relationships I let go... some have been slowly rebuilt or have adjusted to an appropriate level of closeness, and some are no longer. And I am fine. Okay. Steady. And I am not angry anymore.

Keep taking these important steps forward. Keep seeking healing and connection like you are doing with yourself and others in places and ways that will lift you up and encourage you! Keep coming back! We are glad you are here.

[Miranda]

Bloomie, Thank you!  I too am mad at myself. I have allowed this to go on.  I should have learned when Ive told her before and she didn't take me seriously, that she just wasn't listening. Still I sat here and every now and then, it would pop in my mind, that I should call her.  So I did!  I cant even describe the hurt when she said  "So I guess I forgot"   It wasn't 6 months ago...it was 4 weeks ago!  I told myself...ok now you've reached out, she will surely call or text. I got mad when she did nothing.  It says to me 100% that shes not interested.  Yes, Bloomie, I to believe I am beginning to value myself and that I am not a doormat anymore. My first step was to stop being the first to contact my siblings. I will no longer do it! Both siblings only called or texted when they needed me.  It is lonely and often I cry and wonder why they don't care.   There is not one person I know who has ever reached out to me. It was always me reaching out. It hurts to much.  I will take your advice and be a good loyal friend to myself. Obligation seems to be a huge weight hanging over me constantly. I need to know why. There must be a reason . Thank you so much!

Starboard Song and Bloomie,  It really touches my heart that you are so kind and caring

[square]

You asked how you can learn to stop feeling obligated. One idea is to notice how others do it. Your friend says she "didn't think of it" or "forgot" and shrugs it off. It may not be natural to you at first but you can adopt those responses both externally and internally, at least with her. You can reassure yourself that it's fine, she does it too.

[Miranda]

 square, You are right! I will learn how to do this. True, it wont be natural for me, but it will start me on the path to healing this need to please and the worry I have that I should be showing love and caring. Why are there so many in my life who don't return my kindness?  I am the reason, because I put up with it over and over again.  Oh for sure, some people are rude, uncaring, they never give a thought to reciprocate the kindness or concern for others ( given and received, or equally engaged in, by both parties, to give and take mutually, to return in kind or degree) I looked up reciprocate .  I knew the meaning but wanted to see it written out. I have spent my life being the giver.  I'm going to make a list of things I can do to feel better.  Normally I would feel that is selfish, but I'm seeing thru the fog today. Thank you!

[Starboard Song]

Why are there so many in my life who don't return my kindness?  I am the reason, because I put up with it over and over again.

• We had two cats. One cried for food all the time while the other stood silent. When the crier passed away his brother started talking: he never needed to speak up because his brother did it for him.
• I had a friend who had helped me a great deal, many times. And I helped him too when he needed it. Sometimes by talking out hard times, and sometimes helping with some physical chore. One day he said "you never help me like I help you." He had always had FAR MORE he needed. I never realized it, because he didn't feel comfortable expressing those needs. He thought I would just know.
• In college, a friend came to me pretty upset. I was going out with folks several nights a week. He said people never called him the way he called others. They didn't invite him like he invited others. Looking into it, it became clear that (1) I often was inviting myself, and (2) people thought he didn't want them to call, for whatever reason.

Those are different cases. Entirely different. Sometimes one friend is the glue that holds relationships together, and others count on them to the extent of taking them for granted. Sometimes we aren't getting the support we need because we don't express our need. Sometimes we just don't see all the little, subtle dynamics that go on. These are all cases where nobody was the bad guy. In real life, there sometimes is a bad guy. Indeed, that is why this forum exists: there are some VERY bad guys displaying toxic behavior patterns we dub personality disorders.

None of this is your fault. But neither is it likely that you are surrounded by many very bad people. I encourage you to think about each of these scenarios, and try to build two things at once: the healthiest possible patterns of mutual engagement with friends who can do it, and also the healthiest fiddle-dee-dee attitude towards anyone who can't or won't, so you are protected from ever being treated like a floormat. We all can only do our best, and move forward. You should never be made to feel ashamed when you've not done wrong.

Be good. Be strong.

[moglow]

For what it's worth, I know to some degree I'm one of "those friends." The friend that's there and loves you dearly, would move mountains and fight bears for you, but just not available for visits as much as you might like. I lose track of time, get sidetracked or lost in a book or three, and honestly I seem to need more alone time than "normal" people. I dig down into and thoroughly enjoy my alone time, need it to regroup and paste myself back together after the work week. I hear so much noise and phone conversations and chatter and problems, that weekends I'm desperate to be by myself. Push me very hard and I can and will lock down and away. I know what I need and what happens when I don't get it - it's truly not others, it's me doing what I need for myself first.

My close friends know this and we adapt. I bite my tongue and go/call/visit occasionally even when I'm not really up for it. And they will pick up on it and call me out! It's become a joke of sorts, "mo isn't really here with us right now!" and if I need to leave early or raincheck, that's what we do. They know it's not a personal affront or intended to hurt them but protect me. Even with that though, shoot me a text and I'll respond; I'll send random texts just to touch base and share things, ask about something. I'm "there" even if not always in person.

Short answer: I try to keep in mind that everybody has "stuff" and some are coping as best they can and in the way they know works for them. Knowing how I can be, I'm finding I give others a whole lot more grace than I used to. And also, people change, friendships change. Connections we felt once upon a time can and do change. Maybe it's to open us up to the true friendships of a lifetime!

[Catothecat]

One of the things that has helped me deal with friends and so-called friends like this is to think of the situation in terms of role-playing.  Am I playing a "role" for this person and if so, what is it?  And vice versa--are they playing a role for me?  Often I realize that when it comes to the friend who doesn't behave in ways you expect in a friend, my value to them is very specific.  When I withdraw that value or the situation somehow changes, they often drift away or start limiting contact since their expectations aren't being met any more than mine are.  I serve or served my purpose, and that's that.  With some people, I can accept that because while their behavior may be annoying or even hurtful, I know they don't intend it that way.  With others, I feel I was being used and make no effort to remain in their life.  It would take too long to explain how I perceive the difference between the two, but mostly it's a "trust your gut" feeling.  I look at the big picture, at the history, and trust my gut about them. 

[Miranda]

I do realize everyone has issues. They have their own stuff going on. This friend has known that in the past year I've had some stuff of my own going on. When I tried to tell her she retreated. All she said to me was "yes I know you're having problems"  Nothing more. No here's a hug, I'm here for you, just cold as ice.  I am very much a loner, not social, but she knows as they all do that in the snap of a finger I'd be there .  I did have a gut feeling about it, and that was she just wasn't interested.  When I do talk openly it is often deep and emotional.  Perhaps she can't handle it. It's why I came here, because of the need to be open and to communicate. Mostly I need to understand. Thank you so much everyone. You are helping me and I appreciate it

[moglow]

Given that "yes I know you're having problems" - she's not your friend. A friend finds some, feels some, expresses remorse. Realizes what they said and possibly expands with, they don't have it to give right now. They reach out when and as they are able - and they apologize for letting you down!

That said, also understand that it's not YOU. You did not to deserve that and can walk away quietly head held high. No explanation needed.

[Miranda]

moglow,You are so right, she is not a friend! I gave her many chances. I am walking away.

Thank you and all of you. It has helped so much!

[Miranda]

I finally put a stop to her distancing, ignoring behavior.  Every time I had confided in her, she'd say...I don't know what to say. This was laughable to me, as we shared everything since 7th grade. Each time, I'd ask her to text me now and then, shed'd say "i just don't think about it" 

It's been in the last two years that she would retreat as I said earlier. I will say that I do get emotional but, isn't that why we have friends?  I surely wouldn't retreat if she had needed to talk. Obviously she didn't! Nor was she concerned about discussing anything.

I'm a serious thinker, and maybe overdo it, but it didn't matter what I wanted to confide to her, she shut me down.  I'd sit and stew on this. It really got to me.  She wants me to call, yet she refuses to text or call first. Hummmm....something just a bit off here?  So I sent a message that we can send cards, but I felt she had no desire to talk to me.  The long conversations had gone by the wayside. Not on my part but hers! I said people grow apart and it seems to be the case. 

It was often like she was doing deliberate things. I felt she was stabbing me in the back. If she knew I was upset with hubby for something, she would not say a word back if I told her why. Then she'd go on my daughters FB page and if there was a picture my daughter had posted of her dad, this friend would like it and comment..."great guy"  She did it right after I'd said how sad I was that hubby had done nothing with me for months. Hes a true blue workaholic!!  It gets very stressful.  I get upset then get over it, but its just so good to have a friend to pour it out to. NOT THIS FRIEND!  She purposely did that for spite

anyway, I sent the message. I said I have a forum of women who I can talk to, and I get that you don't want to share anymore. I said we age we grow apart. Thanks for the good times.

I will not sit and stew and be sad, She made her point. I got the point, and I expressed myself. I do feel good!!

Thank you friends for listening 

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi Miranda,

I'm late to the conversation here but am reading it over and am proud of what you've walked yourself through regarding this friendship!

Like you, I poured myself into friendships for years. And I got so little back. I have stepped back, and I've had to work really hard to get some sort of understanding about this stepping back process. At a point in my life where I'd like to be able to step into a healthy friendship, I realize that the other person would need to be responsive and reciprocal, and reliable with their friendship to me. I can't control any of that. I know that I'm good at being a kind and reliable friend, but it takes two to tango, as the saying goes!

Friendship is a gift we can give, but it can also be given to people who don't appreciate it. What they wanted, was all the fun, none of the effort. They like it when someone is devoted to them. We feel bad when we treat them the way they treat us.

That said, it's important to learn that we can just match their level of interest and their level of concern. And if we do that and we find that this level of interest feels weak, or thin for us, then I do think that makes it easier to recognize what you did - that the friendship is now over. With age, things change, friendships change. 

We can have people like her in our lives for various reasons. Maybe we enjoy outings like shopping or whatever, but when it comes to support, she doesn't sound like she knows how to offer it. Her loss. You sound like someone with a lot to give, and for the right person to appreciate.

Trees

[Miranda]

treesgrowslowly, Thank you! Yes I always told myself I couldn't treat them the way they treated me, but I sat for so long waiting for a text or a call, and wishing she'd be first just once. I am so glad I am done. There will be a birthday card and Christmas card. That may even stop in time.  To give and always get nothing is more than I can take at this age.  I always told myself maybe shes sitting waiting for me to call. I then found out she just didn't care. To say..."I just don't think about it" or "I forgot to call, "I'll have to write a note to remember"  then the forgetting I called twice within in weeks. I deserve so much better that that!!

You sound like such a great friend! Sad isn't it that our friends didn't put any effort in. It truly is their loss!  I like what you say about the level of interest feeling thin and weak. I tried for 2 years, and ended up with angry, or very sad. The level was very very thin.  I feel a burden is off of me, and I don't anymore have to be good and kind friend who was always hurting. You and I trees, are much more worthy and deserve loving, caring friends who are there through all of our life's ups and downs.  It doesn't matter if it's five years, ten years or like me since 7th grade....if they show no concern then they have none.  It's very selfish.  Wishing you blessings. Often we find those within ourselves.

Thank you again

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi Miranda,

I'm glad I could share something that helped. It has been a long road for me to learn these lessons. I had no idea that most people are just not going to value their friendships very much.

You can imagine the difference between you and her - if you were both given a little garden to attend to for a year. Is she going to check in on her plants, and water them, and learn what each one needs in terms of soil and sunshine? Or will she just leave the plants for months at a time, and then return to the garden and hope that - magically - she has flowers blossoming and fruit on her vines? There are so many people who approach their friendships with this casual approach...they wander off for weeks or months, and return to find that someone else had to water it to keep it all alive!!

Life has gotten easier for me as I have worked hard to tend to my own garden (as the saying goes lol). I now see friendship as two people who agree to tend to a garden together. When the other person flees the scene, I no longer do their work for them.

Your friend showed that she was not paying enough attention. She doesn't want to take care of the friendship the way you did.

Trees

[square]

I like the garden analogy.

Toxic people not only don't care for their garden, but feel resentful and victimized when their garden dies. "Why does this always happen to ME??"

[Miranda]

Trees, I love the garden analogy too!  Its so true. She would not tend her garden. I would tend mine!  Like Square says, these are toxic people. They do get resentful when the garden is full of weeds and beyond repair.  My friend is very spiteful. I saw it in school and Ive seen it over these many years. If I had a boyfriend, she'd flirt with him. There were many things but I ignored them. Now in our older age she wants it her way. The phone that she whines about. I gave in to her  and called her, yet she would still not text me and says I didn't call.  I gave it my all until I was drained!  I saw a very contrary person.

Now here's one for you, after I made it CLEAR to her this friendship was not what it used to be and I felt she did not want conversation...well, low and behold, two days ago I get an invitation in her own hand writing to her wedding anniversary party!!     After I tried to confide in her that my hubby is a very absent hubby, and needed to talk gal to gal, and to me that's what friends do... she totally shut me down on that subject, then she sends me an anniversary invitation    Of course I won't be attending!!  The nerve! I am always wondering if anyone can be that ignorant, or most likely just full of spite!

Do I send a card just for the h*** of it or not?? I was shocked it was her own hand writing.  I could tell when I spoke of my hubby, she wasn't having any of it. Instead she's a puppet for her hubby, caters to all his needs. Hes the king, shes the dutiful queen!  Her daughter has to pay for her cell phone, he wont!. Her car is an old wreck BUT  he owns a car dealership I watched this go on for years! So the wedding anniversary party is just a joke!!

When I needed a friend to talk husband talk, like we'd done many many times(by the way I love my hubby very much, I just miss him since hes gone so much) she ignored. So yes she hasn't tended her garden, and I suspect all the years the garden really meant very little to her.

I hate to rant, but I really needed to.  Trees I Thank you and everyone for easing my burden of this off balance stressful friendship.   

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi Miranda,

Here's what comes to mind for me - from my years of learning from everyone here in this excellent community. Narcs need a story. This was true of my narc parents, and this is what I've seen in a lot of the events that people talk about here.

So now your ex friend has a story to tell people: "I send Miranda a HANDWRITTEN invitation and she didn't even show up!"

She is emotionally immature for her age. Mature people her age do not ignore and dismiss their friend's feelings and concerns. Which is exactly what she did. You told her how you were feeling, she was dismissive with you, and then after the phone call with you, she decides she's going to ignore what you said, and send an invite to her party.

So - what is important to her? Your feelings and concerns, or her party?

I think you outgrew her a while ago. She was emotionally immature in high school, but it didn't stand out as much back then because everyone was still a child!! Teens are children, and are permitted some childish behaviour.

She's no longer in high school, but she has not outgrown the high school level tactics. If you send a card, she'll just add to her narrative "and all Miranda did was send a card" and if you don't send a card, she'll complain to people "Miranda didn't even send a card". It's a lose-lose.

Narcs are famous for using birthdays and anniversaries for their own mind games. She sensed that you were serious about ending the friendship - that is why she sent the invite. She knows she's lost access to you.

If you know that you are done with this friendship with her, then just ask yourself why you would send a card. Knowing you are done, you can decide if a card makes sense to you or not. She sounds self-absorbed.

After you decide whether or not to send the card, the next step is to think about what you want to do for you. You nurtured this garden on your own for a long time. You felt obligated to do so. You wrote about feeling obligated in a previous post.

You're not obligated to attend her party, you're not obligated to send her a card for her anniversary.

If you do buy her a card, consider buying one for yourself as well - and my advice would be to buy a nicer card for yourself than the one you buy for her (if it is affordable!). Find a card that speaks to you, and buy it for yourself.

Treat yourself better than you're treating her. Over time, you'll feel less and less obligated. Instead, you'll appreciate and enjoy tending gardens that feel really good to tend. It takes some time. It took me several years and I am still working on this. One reason we hold on to people like her is because we hold out hope that they will start to grow up. It can be really hard to realize no, she's still acting like she did in high school. But you are not. 

Trees