A breathe of fresh air

[FreeSophia]

Things had been going good for a while. It is always a little strange when that happens. It is like I was not aware of how bad it truly was until it was better for a while. The change I felt inside of me was big. It's like being lifted out of a whole different FOG. I wonder what it would be like to live like that always. I wonder who I would be. My PDh was "normal" for a while. There were no issues, no eggshells. I started to actually feel comfortable with him and like I looked forward to seeing him instead of dreading it. I saw a whole new side of my personality start to come out. Someone who was happy and open and even flirty with her husband. Is this who I would really be if I had a "normal" relationship? I feel so shut down all of the time. Like I am just medium chill and grey rock'ing it through my life. It was nice to see myself in color.

[Lauren17]

I'm so glad you're getting a break. Enjoy! 🙂

[Fae Greenwood]

I too had a great period in my marriage. Looking back, I was still dealing with rages and illogic but it was so much less than usual that I thought everything was great. My confidence rose since I wasn't bombarded with constant criticism. I started having my hair colored, working out, and planning for a happy future with a beloved husband. Then after nearly three years he regressed. The reality is that PDs get something from the negative behaviors that they don't get from a positive healthy relationship. That they may be capable of "good" behavior for a while underlines that, for my uNPDh anyway, the negative behavior is to some extent a choice. I am still practicing much of that self care and encourage you to take care of yourself also.

[HH]

I totally resonate with your experience.  I don't even know what I would look like "in color" sometimes - and I generally rely on looking at myself in friendships to get a glimpse of that part of me.  I agree, not giving up hope that one day things can get better can be a roller coaster of getting hopes up and then dashed again.  "Hope deferred makes the heart sick" ... so this is not just wishful thinking but hanging onto hope is necessary for your heart to be healthy and whole. When I can frame my hope around a higher purpose, A higher power (I'm a Jesus follower) and the hope that my life can be about faithfulness and choosing health in my chosen relationship - not that my PDw will one day be a stable and consistent person or presence in my life - then I can be thankful for the places where I live in my fullest color and the relationships that draw that part out of me. It's not a question that there is a grieving process of involved when faced with the reality that maybe my marriage is not that place currently or maybe it never will be. Partially - I believe our cultural understanding of marriage in the West puts way too much pressure and expectation on the marriage relationship as the THE place for all physical, emotional, recreational, intellectual, and spiritual needs to be met.  That's an unhealthy burden for spouses who aren't dealing with PD.  If it's any comfort - I totally have been in the exact same place and I'm currently dealing with my own version of the questions you are asking. Hang in there - keep seeking the places you can live in full color and bring that strength and color to your own heart and to your DS in your chosen relationship.  peace today